Ending 2011 and looking to 2012

Well, I can say it has been a better year than 2010 but it would not take much to beat 2010. I have been back at work for over a year now, did make a job change there in plant to hourly management with better pay and benefits and easier on my damaged leg/foot. I do now have a very tall and stiff brace/support boot that helps me with being on my feet for a full work shift. My finances are in a bit better shape and my house has a new metal roof, the dormer is built and I am enjoying my very basic spiral stair to that attic space that is very slowly taking shape to be my studio and retreat. A quiet and stable dating relationship with a man who is not living off me and who will not cause me to get phone calls from collection agencies looking for him to pay past due bills. Now, that is a good change from the past, I still get calls from collection agencies looking for Kenn Gean and Michael Ferrin. Our weather is way too mild for this time of year and I worry about what will come in the next few months for storms but do know my house should stay dry and hopefully warm unless the power goes out for very long. I'm doing something at our local library every Thursday morning now and will be offering free knitting lessons there at that time to anyone who wants to come. I have house plants again and some bulbs hiding in the fridge so I can try forcing them, they have about 2 more weeks of refrigeration and then into pots and in the storage area and dark but not cold for a week or so and then out in the light. My first attempt so I am hoping they like me and do ok. Still no handicapped parking permit but I did download and print out the needed form for that and am going to consider getting it filled out and signed by my doctor. I won't need or use it often but there are times I should have it and use it. Ben's doing ok, Jake is doing great, Bryon is still in CA and I hope doing ok. I still have no contact with Stormy and am comfortable with that. No anger or guilt or issues, just know that she has to live her life and with her choices and I have a right to live my life, to not be manipulated or emotionally battered by her choices and her emotional problems. They are not my doing, my choices or mine to fix, pay for and I cannot change them. I am looking at gaining progress on the old house project, doing more outside with my landscaping projects and getting more of my debt load paid down. I am stable and at peace with my life, with who I am and with where I am going in my life, at least most of the time.

That old house

It's been a long haul but I am finally seeing all that space below my roof rafters and the ceiling joices becoming living space. I still have a lot more work and am going to be out of money as soon as the west half of the roof is done. But I have my dormer and spiral stairs and I will eventually have a bathroom up there too. I will be taking my original contractor to small claims court over his defaulting on the contract and not refunding the deposit. It stinks but things happen. I did all I could to make this be a good job. C.L. Campbell construction chose to be dishonest, chose to leave my house open to elements. But Pat Herzog is now working on the house, he has the dormer done, the east side of the roof is done and Monday they start on the west side. Winter is coming and I have a good start on insulating the new space. And I will work on it tomorrow and Ben might help me some. It would be great if I could afford to have the entire attic sheet rocked including the bathroom that is not even framed in yet. But at least the space is now workable, it might take me a couple years to finish the new upstairs area but I am seeing slow progress.

rainand bank policy

It keeps raining, the roof keeps leaking, I can't work on the yard work needing done, I did get the settlement done and the bank 'froze' the check, so the deposit on the air cond work was overdrafted.

I did call, and yes, the check is good, the funds are there but it's their policy to hold it for 2 days before crediting it to my account. I should have cashed the check and then put the damn cash into my checking account.
It sure fouls up my getting things done, and sure does not help my credit..I know I have not been keeping my checking account in good balance since this accident and I do know how much of that is my fault, but the insurance check was drawn on a chase account and so they Knew it was good. A lot of banks credit the funds that day to your account...and I can and might change banks..

But I will get my financial house in solid order, keep a checkbook in good order again and get my head out of my ass when it comes to money management. I am getting my life back into working order, now I need to get my finances in working order and keep them that way.

It does keep me from spending much money today, and I am in a snit with the weather, the bank, the house, so it is a good day for me to be stupid about finances. . .

I do have chili cooking, didn't have any onion to put in as I planned to cook at Larry's and he had an early dr. appointment in Quincy so wasn't home and had the place locked. Not a problem for me really but it would have been nice to have an onion to add to the pot.

Work is going ok, and I have been getting price quotes on spiral stair cases for the house as it looks like I can afford to get that now. I also priced a deck and am going to get a bid/price quote on the heating and cooling for the attic, there might be a way to afford that too, or part of it.

And it looks like the cloud cover is breaking up some, I am so tired of rain, the roof leaking, not being able to ride my little bike, not being able to work in the garden any amount.

I will get through this, I will get control of my finances and my moods and will be not out playing all weekend for the next weekend or 2 and get more done.

Just thinking

It's a rainy day here, the truck is down at the shop for oil change and the air cond. work, it looks like it is done, the little bike is wet, poor Honda Passport needs a shelter but I am not sure when I will get something built for it.]
I would like to hear from State farm and get this settlement done, and I would like more contractors come/make appointments to look at the work here. I will call Monday if I have not heard anything. It needs done.]
And once again A.M. got walked out, the other 2nd shift supply clerk who really should have been terminated long ago. When he threw the pallet at my back, when he was seen by management, on his cell phone, over and over, during working hours, in supply.]
And a long list of things, but I would not bet any $$ on his actually loosing his job. I don]'t know who he has pull with or if he just intimidates people.]
The frock room job is a challenge and I don't yet love my job the way I loved my supply job but it is physically easier on me, not as hard and more money and benefits so that is all positive.
My life is going ok now, it has taken me a long time to get as stable as I am now and the finances are still very tight and rocky but I am working on improving that.]
And on some of the other small things, making peace with my poor choices in the past, controlling my finances better, my moods better.]
My huge credit debt has me living in near poverty and I know it is my doing, I made the choices that grew that debt, can't blame some man as it was not their credit or debit card that was used. . gifts, helping out, being nice, all that stuff I have done in the past and am working on NOT doing now, the guys I have been involved with and my sons, or more accurately, my #2 son.
Years ago it was the men I was involved with and my daughter and her children but I moved away, we fought and she told me to get out of her life and stay out. And for a change I did that, it was not the first time she had pushed me out but it was the time I finally held my ground and stayed out and quit letting her milk me or letting her sucker me out of money.]
Well, I have things here I need to get done and sitting here does not get a thing done so it's time to shut this down and get busy.

a letter to - - - -

Dear sister, dear guy boy who wrote me poems,
I am sitting here, beat tired and foot/ankle really hurting,knowing I will be going back to work in a few hours and put in another hard day.
I don't make the money you have in the past, I don't have an exciting life, go neat places that you have been.
but I have an honest life, no drugs,no booze, no deceptions or using people. While you sit serving time, or learning to live on a disability check, I will keep working my small job, living in my old house with the roof that leaks, paying down my debt load.
I also will enjoy fresh air in a small town, friends who value me,not use me. I will watch my flowers grow, take care of my garden and eat and share the bounty it will provide.
Sister, you really screwed up, now you do the time behind bars, and I will know you have a dry roof over your head, heat when it's cold and meals.
Mike, you face each day, knowing that your lies and deceptions cost you the woman of your dreams and she was far more than you ever imagined she would become.
Me, I am going to find the strength to make it through the next 5 days of work, and know I will be going to a better job with the job bid I won. Better benefits and better pay, better able to pay down my debt load faster and have a better standard of living.
Both of you matter to me, and both of you have really let me down. I sure don't envy either of you now, I have in the past but you sure fixed that one for me. Now I admit I want you, both of you to look at me, at my life, at my strength and courage and determination and be filled with regret and envy for the choices you made that put you in the positions you are in.
It may be a while before my roof is replaced, but I will get it done, and cope in the meantime. I hurt some times, bad enough to want a corner to curl up in and cry, but I won't give in and feel sorry for myself or make excuses or blame anyone.
I do hold Youngs accountable for the accident, the man that is dead, and the wife he had a bitter fight with before leaving for work that night he hit my truck head on and killed himself. But I don't blame or whine about how unfair it is.
Look at where you are at, and accept that you put yourself there, not bad luck, not genetics, not someone else, you and you alone.
Choices you made, things you did or chose to not do, ya, it's time to reap the crop that you sowed and the reaping can be bitter. I know that well and that life has it's ways of balancing things out. So, I do think about it, and want to keep that scale balanced in my favor, I work hard at being a good person, at making good choices, at treating others right, at being honest.
So, while you do your time, sister dear, you earned that time behind bars, and Mike,while you live a low budget, pain filled life, you earned that one too. It was your body to take care of, and your financial 'house' to take care of, your future and old age to plan for..now, reap what you spend years sowing and think about that girl you dreamed about and the amazing,smart, strong, capable woman she grew into..
And I will continue to work hard to have a good life, to be honest, to take care of the body I live in, and the old house I own.
I will put in the hours at work, even when it hurts enough to make me want to cry and I will find joy in my freedom and my quiet life in my old river town, a long way from the cages you both have put yourself into...

All the things that go wrong

I knew it was going to rain but did not move the bed, so now my bedding is in the dryer,, the mattress is propped up so it will dry faster and the dehumidifier is running and I am beat tired, hurt, grumpy and mentally kicking myself about being stupid again.
But 1 of my sisters is even more stupid, her son/my nephew called last night while I was at work, I called him this am early and learned his mother, my sister #2 is now serving time, along with her daughter and son in law for dealing Drugs!!!
I have made so many stupid mistakes, the men I have been involved with, the way I have wasted money but I have been smart enough to stay away from drugs and from drinking.
I hope to make smart choices with what I do with any funds I get from the settlement from the auto accident. I do a lot of thinking about it, what is top of the list, what vehicles are on a list for possible IF I can afford to do that, what needs done on this old house. The roof is first, and the knee walls and cross ties up there so the attic can become the studio I want.
the property surveyed and fenced is on that 'want' list, along with new walks,new front porch support/floor, a back deck, debt paid off is high on the list, after the roof.
I hope the job change works out well for me, temp is a gamble but it could work into permanent, the pay is more and the benefits are better. I hope I have less stress and less pain, but no job is perfect and the new job will be busy and have me on my feet as much or more but in a safer area and not as hard of work, not as much problems or problem people.
I'm thinking a tub of hot water and soak while I wait on bedding to dry, I have more sets of sheets but I need/want that blasted mattress pad and I want the mattress to have some time to start drying out too.
These spring storms have taken out entire towns, killed a lot of people, flooded farms, towns, you name it, so I am fortunate that my only problem is the very old roof on this very old house. I am coping with that most of the time, today I just messed up, didn't think about it, did not expect much rain...stupid of me but I am fixing the problem.

bills and getting finances in order

I know i am making progress with finances here but it gets hard to believe I will ever get out of the hole I have now. It's my doing, can't blame anyone, want to blame the lies and deception of M.F. but know I had debt before that and know I did not wisely use my lost wages when I was off work and recovering from that damn accident.
So, now I pull from savings to make ends meet, cut back on alot of things, including groceries and know I will get through this, and I know I will get finances into better shape, know in time I will have some of these medical bills off my back, I have paid the co-pay in full on quite a few of them.
I get depressed and angry about some of what has happened in the past 16+ months but know none of that 2010 can be changed, it was a really lousy year, thought I had life into such good shape, was seeing so much progress with finances and the house and my personal life and self esteem. The accident and the deception/lies of M.F. really put a huge dent into both my finances and my self-esteem.
but I am gaining every week, it's not fast progress, it's not easy and when I get depressed I do have more problems with using credit to get things I don't need and sure am better off not buying on credit or not buying at all.
A month can make such a difference here for me and I know that. This financial stress will improve, and the garden is starting to come up, see beans and corn coming through the ground and now want someone to stand rabbit patrol.
I'm staying home tonight, usually sleep at Larry's on my days off, on my day shift days but have chili here and bread sticks rising. He called and is heading to bed, I will see him tomorrow, and i just am moody, feeling down about finances here and don't need to inflict him with it. I took a nap today so will be up later than he is, and might do that soak in the tub with a book or soak and cry--that might actually be very workable, Kid will be glad to have me home and sleep in the house with me.
I'm going to get this posted and check on my bread sticks.

well into April

and I have things that need to get done, for Jake, here at the house, outside, and time goes by so fast.
I actually did get an e-mail from M.F., not any sorry about the spam, or the lies, he's still claiming he never lied or deceived or used me. It's me with the problem..he's no longer working, health problems he labels as genetic but I think neglect and poor eating/health habits are more of the cause. It's water under a old bridge, a foolish error in judgement and misplaced trust on my part. And I am glad I managed to get my head in better order and could see that the financial issues were not what he was saying, and found that foreclosure notice on line with his name on it.
I know it's going to take a long time to get my finances, house and some parts of my life into solid shape but I am seeing progress, slower than I like but at least I am making progress every month.
I won't say that life here is perfect, my foot and ankle don't tolerate my job very well, but I am watching bids, did bid on 3 frock room jobs and my dept. head is also head of that dept. and I don't think she even considered me for any of the openings. It's not union so I can't do a blasted thing about the openings going to people with far less time in plant than I have.
The relationship with Larry is good, I worry about his up-coming surgery but he has no real choice and we both have confidence in his doctor. His son and daughter will be there for the surgery and until he's out of recovery and I am glad I won't be there alone and that he is important enough for them to be there with us.
Got a lot I need to get done today before work, know I will walk into a lot needing done, normal Monday for me.

Working on the finances

I really like my Kindle and it might be worth it's price in just the free e-books I can download and read. One I am reading and re-reading is Living Rich by Spending Smart by Greg Karp and although I am already doing some of the things advised or mentioned in the book, I will be doing more.
One of the things I do need to do is put in writing why I feel I have so much financial debt,who I came to build up that debt load and the mistakes or poor choices and why I made them.
So, today I am starting that. I know I spend money or credit when I am feeling sorry for myself or am rewarding myself. That is something I need to look at closer and sort out my feeling in a hot tub instead of on line shopping trips.Adding to my debt load or spending money that needs to pay down bills or buy food does not gain me anything positive.
Another problem has been my choices of men in my life,I have made some costly choices there since my divorce from Sam, that was probably the start. So, debts have built up, poor choices have continued and I have spent $$ on men that really should have never been in my house, my life or gotten a dime spent on them.
Losers, I have a long history of dating and living with losers, of picking men I can 'fix' or take care of, and I use my money to fix things for them, buy them gifts, pay bills for them or help support them. Mike Ferrin was the last on that list and I hope I am breaking that habit.
And supporting my adult son, Ben has been a real financial drag, it's costly and it does not make his life or mine better. He needs to take care of himself, and I need to quit letting him live off me. That is one thing I am doing now, he's out of the house now, some of his stuff is still here but I did change the locks and he does not have a key to the new locks.
I am getting close to a settlement with State Farm on the auto accident from last year and by state law the max they can be made to pay me is the policy value per accident, less the costs. This is 3x the max medical per person, and I do have a legal right to request that be paid instead of settling for the medical which after my medical bills and lost wages, what I have to pay back to Cargill for the disability I got from them will give me very little cash.
I'm managing now so putting off a settlement to gain what I am legally entitled to is the wise choice.
Now that Ben is out I am finding my household bills are less, that is helping and I have some medical bills paid off, Larry feeds me some, he is not a drain on my finances or heart.
It's going to be a long and hard haul but I am working on smarter choices and thinking more about how I got to where I am financially, not counting the accident it's self but the spending of the past 16+ years and what it's done to me.
Hard look at myself and I don't like what I see, but only by looking at past choices and analyzing them will I be able to get my financial house into a livable order and prepare for my growing old and fixed income and live on that.

Offended, but blast it, can't change people...

I got offended by something Larry's daughter said when she called him this am. We get it from everyone, or rather from far too many people who need more to do than think about what Larry and I do when we are together or who assume all we do is have sex. I'm not a slut, I am not an easy lay, or desperate...and it offends me.
Larry is far more than a sex toy, he's warm, kind, funny, he's far more than just someone to have sex with and I know I am more than that to him.
Yes, we are adults and do have sex, and we enjoy it. But that's just a small part of what we have and what we do...
I can't change people, I won't let them make waves in my emotional pond for long, but I came home feeling hurt and wounded and wanting to just curl up somewhere and cry.
It won't fix a thing, it's not Larry's fault and it's not mine, it's just people being stupid. It won't hurt us unless we let it and Larry is NOT, so now it's me and my getting my head around this stupidity...
That man and I have something, it works for us,and we won't let the world, friends, neighbors, kids make much waves for us.. It is our lives and our business.
So, it's my days off and cold again so I won't get as much done outside as I had hoped but I will get some things done here, including clean sheets on my bed..
Being upset over Becky's comment, or those of other people is something I will get over, and we are rather open about our closeness, we like that holding hands stuff, me sitting in the middle of the bench seat in the pickup trucks, and we we won't stop just to suit the world..

Doing the math for practical life.

One of the 'pals' that Larry has coffee with keeps bringing up the 'married/getting married' stuff when he sees Larry. And it's so stupid, not because we don't care about each other, we do and we have good communication and good chemistry but when I look at the practical aspects of our lives, it just does not work well.
He has his paid for place, with enough parking for what he owns, a garage and a home he has lived in for years, in a quiet corner of this town.
I have a renovation project with another 5 years on the mortgage and a lot of work needing done, but it has my flower beds, my garden space and enough room for what I need. And I can live here and stay healthy and off drugs to control my allergies and asthma.
Larry's place would cost a lot of money to get to where I could live in it full time with my allergies and stay healthy. And there's not enough space for my sewing, my dolls, my books. There's no garden or flower beds, I would be starting from scratch once again and I am not willing to do that.
Here, there's no space for all that Larry owns, not enough parking room, no garage, and not enough land/lot to build that without me giving up a lot of my very small amount of land. And the house is not big enough for all of his stuff and mine too so that would require a lot of each of us thinning out our stuff to fit the space and then the cost of making more space and garage and so forth.
There's the cost of medical care and health insurance issues, and of our adult children and estates.
We can do this our way, 2 lives, 2 homes and sleep often in the same bed, his some nights, mine some nights, we don't have need of a license and others are not running our lives, making our choices or supporting us. We will not have children together, I am turning 55, he is 63, our parenting days are done and we are glad of that.
It's a fun together, companionship, hot romance, good company, comfortable with each other thing that we have going,it's our relationship, our lives and we are doing just fine at running it all by our selves.
We are not trying to run any other lives or relationships, just our own. we are adults and competent adults. We might act like we are a pair of teens in lust but that's our choices and our fun.
We didn't expect something so comfortable, so fast, nor did we expect something so 'good chemistry' but we sure are not complaining about that either.
I miss him when we are apart but I am able to function alone. I still like my quiet house, my time with my books and knitting and dog, I am not lonely, but miss Larry. It's not the same as being lonely.
He misses me when we are apart, but he has a life, and things he does, places he goes, he can manage just fine all day without me right there, we just LIKE being together a lot...
So, practical reasons, personal reasons, our reasons, it is really our lives and we are living them our way, despite his adult children and their worries and concerns, despite my maint. pals and their 'fun' and despite the nosy 'biddies' that are all retired men and Larry's friends/pals/acquaintances.
In time everyone will adjust or find something more entertaining than what Larry and I are doing, and in the meantime we will do as we please, regardless of the rest of the world, it's our lives and we will live it our way.

Into March and on with life

It's my Friday off and I didn't end up going to Springfield with pal Darrell for his shoulder surgery so that means I had early coffee with Larry and then we did his blood work thing up in Rushville. I then ran some errands and now am home with my feet up and Kid's enjoying Mom home.
Ben's stuff is gathered up and ready to go somewhere besides my bathroom and living room, Jake's stuff needs to be put in the storage area still but I need to do some making room work before it can move.
The state tax return came and my Kindle and a skin for it has been ordered, I want a cover but will wait a bit for that, can come up with something here for a while until it's on the budget. I did also price checking on car insurance and can't change that at this time, maybe in a year I will be a better insurance risk.
The house is staying clean while I am gone, or the mess doesn't get worse and that is a nice change, I have no idea where Ben is but he's an adult, I just would like the jeep keys to turn up so I can get Andy's blankets out of my way.
Jake's buying the jeep from his dad and for now it's living in my yard, I am so not happy about the whole situation but know Jake's doing what he feels is best and I can live with the jeep here IF I have keys so I can move it out of my way now and then to mow and so forth.
Foot is doing very well, that should scare me but I think I will just appreciate how much less pain I am having and how much better I am walking.
I have bid for a frock room job and hope to get the opening, it will pay less per hour but think long term it will be so much better for me and I will have Sundays free again so that means I can attend church some and also doll club meetings IF I do get the job.
Money is so very tight here, I can't afford to keep supporting/housing/feeding Ben. It's time he was self supporting and time for me to get with putting my financial house into better order and also my house cleaner, my life in better shape.
This Larry thing is good for both of us, we aren't looking too far down the road but we are comfortable with each other. I know that I can't move away from my little house and what I am working on here, not even a few blocks away and that's his home, his place, his space and he needs it that way. So, we get to know the streets between here and there, we fit our time together when we can and we don't worry about who talks or what others think. He's widowed, I am divorced, our kids are all adults so it's our choices and lives, not theirs to live.
I did pass all my truck license tests in plant so now can get more comfortable and experience with both the scissor lift and the stand up trucks. So, that's a weekend work project, have the license so now am not violating company rules to use/practice with them.
And the birds are making noise and need their cage cleaned so I will get that done..and find something to do, sure would like to be getting Jake's things out of my sewing space...maybe next days off, I can start the make space job before work and have it done by Thursday..if weather co-operates and I get with it. It would be nice to get my sewing space back once again.
And I have a box I want down in the storage area and out of my way here too.

The start of March

The snow has almost all melted away, the creeping charlie is growing every day. I have so much to do and life has been crazy lately. Jake had leave and it was a great leave compared to the last one.
Now I am trying to move Ben out and get my life going my way once again. I have old house projects planned, garden and flower bed work planned and soon it will be warm enough to get started.
I also have a new playmate to enjoy. He's more than just a playmate but I am not ready to say a lot about how I feel. It's not what I expected or wanted to walk into my life and now I see what happens as we get to know each other better.

Foot is tolerating work better but I plan to bid on the up-coming frock/equipment job and hope I can get it. The pay is less per hour but it should be safer and easier on my foot and less co-worker stress for the most part.

And the state does have my tax return in process so I hope in a week or 2 to see my refund paid into my bank account so I can buy the roses I want and the Kindle e-reader I want. Between the 2 of them I will spend about all that refund but I am going to be pleased with the roses I am getting and I will use the e-reader alot.
We are talking camping soon, Larry owns a new(to him) 5th wheel, it replaces what he used to have and it's nice. I can give up tent camping if that's what it takes to have camping trips with Larry.
6 months ago I didn't know if I could even keep my job and I knew there would never be any man that could become important. Now I am adding new roads to that road map for my life I have been re-drawing and I know I can do my job and earn my way in life.
There are still a lot of things I need to work out, the insurance settlement and getting my 2nd son moved out and keep him moved out are high on the list here.
but life has far more joy and happiness than I expected to ever have again.

bad dreams...

I don't remember what I dreamed last night, just small bits and pieces and I woke up feeling stressed and unhappy. And I am not sure why my dreams were so disturbed, nothing that I watched on tv should have caused a problem and nothing has happened in the real world I am living in,
Work is going ok, I am glad I was able to go back to work after the accident, and some shifts get hard but I do like my job and most of the people there. My foot gets miserable some times, but I'm not often taking anything for pain so that's good.
Winter is long and hard this winter, we've had more snow than I have seen for years but I have managed to shovel what I needed to and Ben and Tamara helped with this last storm. But I'm not depressed with winter or the cold.
So I don't know why or what rattled my sleep and walked through my dreams--or I know who/what but I will sort it out and get my balance and composure back. My life here is good, there is balance and peace.
My finances are slowly getting better, it will take a long time but I am making progress and I am making progress with the house, not fast but a bit at a time. I'm not going to let the past and anyone from the past screw up my head, especially those that share my blood and genetics.
I did the best I knew how to be a good parent, I wasn't perfect but my kids are now all adults and living their own lives. I am not making any of their choices, nor am I responsible for their lives.
Like most parents, I want the best for my kids, and want them to be happy with their own lives, but I know they have to do the living of those lives, making the choices and dealing with the results of those choices.
Now, it's my life here, and my paychecks to make decisions with, and to support my self, and I do have a lot of stuff that I don't have to have, I buy things I want, I add to my doll collection and have techie toys that I don't need. It's a single and indulgent life in ways but it is my life.
And I am not going to let dreams or the past mess up my head nor am I going to let some sort of guilt trip crawl into my head either.

Snow and vacation time

I admit I am counting down the days until I am back at work. But I did get a doll dress made that I had cut out last fall. I did get the first estimate on replacing my roof, will want as many as I can get and then to check on rep of the bidders.
I did have a good day with Julie here yesterday. Ben's been here all week and has tinkered with Jake's damaged laptop. Appears that the LCD screen is damaged but rest of computer functions fine..so with something for a screen, Ben is gaming to his heart's content on Jake's computer--
I am coping ok, phone call from what was probably a collection agency for Mike Ferrin this week was a surprise, did not expect to have such calls coming here. I am not surprised about a collection agency wanting to contact him, just that they would have my phone # in connection with him.
Not a problem for me, Ben is the 1 who answered the phone and he also was surprised that anyone would call here for that person.
I do a lot of thinking and sorting out my head with time off work, my regular days off, and this vacation time. I still feel I am in a 'holding pattern' in some ways, but know my life is moving forward, or that time is, and I will get by and survive.
People and things don't matter to me as much as they did before the accident, I've pulled away emotionally from the world in some ways, and that has both it's good points and some probably negative ones.
I do look forward to spring and working my flower beds and garden, it does a lot of positive things for my soul and heart. This year I will get dormant oil and do my plum trees and the roses, this year I will buy some bug spray and use it carefully, this year I should not be so handicapped and unable to take care of my tiny bit of ground here.
I want to see the pampas grass started along the outside of the berm, and move the roses and replace them with Robin Hood Roses as they will get taller and make a tighter, higher hedge.

I will get through the winter and through the insurance settlement, I will get through the management changes at work, the changes in supply/warehouse department and I will not let this accident or Mike's deception mess up my life and head.
But I will also guard myself more than I did before, that trust issue is shot to pieces and at this time I have no reason to want to fix it. I am better off not trusting other people for the most part, depending on only me works far better than picking up myself after someone lets me down or messes my life up.

A new year and figuring it out

So, it's getting close to the end of the first week of the new year. And getting close to the first anniversary of the car accident that has changed my life so profoundly. I am working on adjusting to all the changes, and still figuring some of them out.
Physically I have a lot more changes than are noticeable, the amount of pain, how it is affecting movement and attitude. How it has changed me in ways I didn't know it would change me.
Harder, more bitter, and more anger about the causes of the accident. It was not just Mark Young at fault, his state of mind was a direct result of his marriage problem and his argument with his wife about his adultery.
I have a harder attitude at work, and in some cases/situations, that is an improvement. Gwenn and Dave D no longer make much waves in my mental world with their petty attitudes or snippy, nasty little comments. I have not told them to go to hell but they sure do know they don't matter a lot to me and I don't cower at their disapproval or negative attitudes.
And I find it quite entertaining that they are both dis-pleased with who has the purchasing manager job and the new warehouse supervisor job. Bot of them applied for both of those openings and neither were qualified, but they are going to nit-pick the 2 people who did get those openings.
Maintenance has a very good opinion of Megan, the new dept. head and I have a lot of trust in their judgment, many of them have had Megan as their dept. head. Julie W, has a good history of supervisor in some challenging departments and I think she is more capable of dealing with warehouse, supply and the equipment/frock room people than Gwenn and Dave want to give her credit for. Jealous and sour grapes is a big part of their problems.
I am going to say they are right in their assessment of Tina T and what little work she manages to do and get done. We have had some changes in time schedules and job duties and it will be interesting to see if Tina T starts to get done what is now her job responsibilities.
Dating is a huge change, my attitude about relationships, what I need and want has changed with the changes in me this accident has caused. I am not willing to put much into a relationship nor do I want anyone taking up much of my off work time and I sure don't want someone taking up any space here in my home and adding to the work load here for me.
Mike Ferrin's deceptions about financial matters hurt me some financially, and emotionally sure added to the lack of trust in other people, especially men that I do have. He lied from the very beginning about some huge financial problems and obligations that were and are his and that could have resulted in me being impoverished for the rest of my life.
I have made some terrible financial choices in my adult life, and almost all of them have come about because of the man I was involved with at the time those decisions were made. Men have greatly benefited from those relationships and I have ended up footing the bills for that.
I am no longer willing or able to continue to be so very stupid about men and about money. I am not concerned about their poverty or money problems. I also will not get involved with anyone that could become a problem that way.
So, it suits me to have a very not too involved 'thing' going with Carl M. And what is or isn't going on between us is far more our business than people at plant realize. They can talk and speculate all they want. We will manage to get along and do what works for us despite their help and supervision and so forth.
I am ok with the person I have become with this accident, but I know some other are not as happy, mostly because I am not doing anything for them now, I am not willing to do anything for them now, I will not make time for them in my life...gee, too bad, I cannot take care of my own responsibilities and some of theirs.
I am looking at tax refund time and making a small dent in some of the debt load. I won't gain much but I will gain about $100 less per month to pay out so that can go to some of the huge credit debt so it goes down a bit faster.
I am looking forward to the doctor appointment and insurance visit after that and hope to see this accident settlement by construction time this spring. And I hope to see enough from the settlement so that the house can get the needed roof work without a loan.
This week I have a good paycheck and will put it to good use, know I need to be very practical for several years as I dig my way out of debt and work on repairs and improvements my old house needs.
I no longer feel guilty about having a self centered life, about me and what I want and need being the center of my life and what I do, how I spend my money and time. I have spent most of my 54 years doing for others first alot of the time, but I have no husband, and my children are all adults now, my parents are gone so I am on my own. And my responsibilities and my needs can come first and will.
Kid is my indulgence and spoilt and catered to pet, and the birds have me, but everyone else can go fend for themselves. I will choose who I spend my time with, and what I do for others. And I am not going to be able to fit into my time anyone or anything that don't suit me