I'm doing a lot of talkng with God today, lots rattling around in my head, no answers and no idea of direction and feeling lost once again in my life. I know this accident isn't helping and neither was the emergency appendix surgery a week ago. I could not avoid either of those things, and I have to deal with them and the results of them in my life. And they will take time to work out too, healing time with the appendix and both healing and settlement issues with the foot.
I have so many thoughts and questions about Mike and his lies/deceptions and wonder the why of so much of it. I think the fantasy of that lost love was a part, maybe, like the person getting ready to go to that school reunion and wanting to look better, more successful than they really are. We humans have so many vunerable spots. We will diet, exercize, color our hair, rent a car, you name it, all so that those old classmates will think our lives are better than they really are, that we are more successful then we are.
It works in book plots, but it doesn't work in real life. And lies about huge financial problems is a real good way to sink a relationship, the lies about that mortgage were started before my accident. I can't feel a man really loves or cares about me when he's hiding something that can end up with me living in poverty the rest of my life because we are buried under his debts, debts that I had nothing to do with the creation of.
Now, I know about that lie, that deception, I have to wonder about other things and I have to accept I will not have answers and I am not going out looking for them. This is something I need to let go and put behind me, stuff that is not my business now.
I have no idea how much longer I will be off work, and what I will face when I do go back to work, if my foot will tolerate the job duties and hours. Right now I am not even doing any good at dreaming about what I will do with either this house or a new place, I can't even think on landscaping plans.
But I do know the next few days will be busy with Otto, Don's funneral is tomorrow, we have Lin-care coming Tuesday to pick up their oxygen stuff and hopefully to get a load in my truck to go to GoodWill in Jacksonville and be donated. There is so much stuff over at Otto's that needs to be done and I will help him with all I can do, but he also will have to start making some decisions for himself for his future.
I need to finish a letter to Jake, wish he would call so I knew he was doing ok, I keep him in my prayers and trust in God to take care of my boy. He's such a great kid, he's growing into such a good man and I so want to see him grow and become all he can be.
This appendix stuff has added to my stress, not any thing I can do about the timing or my appendix needing removed, or that it takes time to heal from surgery, sure glad I have been working on keeping my co-pay for my health insurance at Cargill paid and I need to check on that too. And I need copies of both hospitals records for filing claims with American, again. At least this time I know I file a seperate claim for each thing.
Right now I can't think about what next week might be like, or dream of what I would like my living room to look like once it's done, either in this house or the monolithic I would like to have built. Somehow, once again, all that dreaming has run into wall, and I am so tired of feeling my life is on hold or ran into a wall.
Patience with myself is something I struggle with, I know pushing my body will NOT speed the healing from this last surgery, everyone is telling me I am doing so well, and I guess, medically I am doing good but it seems like my body is really letting me down. I am not falling apart but it sure feels like it and the accident did not cause the appendix problems but I can't get healed up from the accident before I am back at Memorial for surgery.
I need to get through the next few days and I will and so will Otto, I need to heal up and I want the garden and my flower beds cleaned up, and I wanted to go back to my job and get some pattern back to my days.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Working on 'moving on with life'
Now that my neighbor Don has passed away, his friend and care giver, Otto, has to learn to move on with his life, and to find a life that is not built around taking care of first Barb and then Don. I promised Don I would help Otto through this and with the details, and as I work on my life and getting it back in working order, I will help Otto with the physical details of his life too and the other 'emotional' stuff as much as I can.
Loads of details to setting up the funneral, to taking care of the provided and needs returned medical supplies, of disposing of old drugs no longer needed, of closing cell phone account. The clothes and such to donate, the surplus beds, surplus wheel chairs, the non-working tv's and so forth that need out and gone. The cleaning so Otto has a home he can be comfortable living in, the cats that need gone, put down. We work on it a little at a time, I can only do so much and it can't all be done in a day. It will take weeks, months to get order over there and it cleaner and safer.
And in the meantime I am working on my life too, the stuff that I need to do, my clean clothes put away, some things here stored, my financial house in tighter order, my personal life in better order.
Mike's call yesterday was 'considerate' and he expressed sympathy at Don's passing, was sorry to hear about my hospital stay with appendix and glad to hear I am healing. I did not hear a word of appology for lying about the mortgage in St. George Utah, or in his telling me I was the 1 wrong and I did not expect it. He did mention he can't seem to fix the block problem with Facebook to get back onto my friends list and would I please add him back on my friends list. That will not be happening, I removed all his family and friends and although his family are not a problem for me, I do not need him having any cyber 'windows's into my life and if any of them are on my friend list, he has that window, use their computer, get them to pull up my facebook when he is at their place so he can check up on me. No, no, he is someone I would like to please just go live his own life and leave me to live mine.
I know I make mistakes, and I know I am hot tempered, judgemental, procrastinate, opinionated, and far too independent. But in the meantme, I get my bills paid on time, I get things done that need done, I am someone my friends can lean on and depend on.
Kid now has tennis balls and loves them, and new chew bones for me to trip over, he's beside my bed when I am here on the bed, asleep or resting. And he is such good company for me, yes, he has cost me some $$ but most of the cost is paid out, vet bill, nutering, bed. I won't have as much of these costs now month from month, Shots might be every year but he only gets nutered once.
I did post photos at the Kish group but have several outfits there and nothing for sale is moving, I will have to go put a lot of doll outfits on watch at E-bay and see what sells and at what prices before deciding what I want to do. I might consider E-Bay but not until more things calm down in my life, if I can get that to happen.
Jake's current socks are going very slow, I need to knit more which probably means I need to do more down time and put my feet up and rest. And I have 2 sweaters that I have not worked on in months that are both for me and I cannot wear either until I am done knitting them.
I am so disappointed in the man Mike Ferrin seems to have become. When I was 16, when I was 20, I did not think I was 'good' enough for this boy home on leave. Now, I am 54, he is 57 and he's not at all the man I thought he would become, and he's also not the man he claims to be either.
I do know he is not a man who can become a quality part of my life, he is not someone who can add value and worth to my life, not emotionally and not financially. So, I can list what I can give to a relationship, now I want to know what a man plans to give to that same relationship.
I don't need sucked dry financially, and I don't need my head 'twisted' because only by messing with myu head ALOT will some man get me to make bloody stupid financial decisions that could ruin my financial stability.
This accident has not done that to me and Mike Ferrin will not do that to me. I am mad, I am indignant but I am not very emotionally hurt by the decision I made to step back from that relationship. First I stepped back, and that was my right, now I have stepped out of that relationship and I will not step back into it and I have closed cyber doors into my life for that man and I have the right to shut the doors and I know how to do it, or at least most of it.
I'm going to be ok, despite the car accident, despite the emergency appendicemy, despite my hard head and overly independent attitude.
Loads of details to setting up the funneral, to taking care of the provided and needs returned medical supplies, of disposing of old drugs no longer needed, of closing cell phone account. The clothes and such to donate, the surplus beds, surplus wheel chairs, the non-working tv's and so forth that need out and gone. The cleaning so Otto has a home he can be comfortable living in, the cats that need gone, put down. We work on it a little at a time, I can only do so much and it can't all be done in a day. It will take weeks, months to get order over there and it cleaner and safer.
And in the meantime I am working on my life too, the stuff that I need to do, my clean clothes put away, some things here stored, my financial house in tighter order, my personal life in better order.
Mike's call yesterday was 'considerate' and he expressed sympathy at Don's passing, was sorry to hear about my hospital stay with appendix and glad to hear I am healing. I did not hear a word of appology for lying about the mortgage in St. George Utah, or in his telling me I was the 1 wrong and I did not expect it. He did mention he can't seem to fix the block problem with Facebook to get back onto my friends list and would I please add him back on my friends list. That will not be happening, I removed all his family and friends and although his family are not a problem for me, I do not need him having any cyber 'windows's into my life and if any of them are on my friend list, he has that window, use their computer, get them to pull up my facebook when he is at their place so he can check up on me. No, no, he is someone I would like to please just go live his own life and leave me to live mine.
I know I make mistakes, and I know I am hot tempered, judgemental, procrastinate, opinionated, and far too independent. But in the meantme, I get my bills paid on time, I get things done that need done, I am someone my friends can lean on and depend on.
Kid now has tennis balls and loves them, and new chew bones for me to trip over, he's beside my bed when I am here on the bed, asleep or resting. And he is such good company for me, yes, he has cost me some $$ but most of the cost is paid out, vet bill, nutering, bed. I won't have as much of these costs now month from month, Shots might be every year but he only gets nutered once.
I did post photos at the Kish group but have several outfits there and nothing for sale is moving, I will have to go put a lot of doll outfits on watch at E-bay and see what sells and at what prices before deciding what I want to do. I might consider E-Bay but not until more things calm down in my life, if I can get that to happen.
Jake's current socks are going very slow, I need to knit more which probably means I need to do more down time and put my feet up and rest. And I have 2 sweaters that I have not worked on in months that are both for me and I cannot wear either until I am done knitting them.
I am so disappointed in the man Mike Ferrin seems to have become. When I was 16, when I was 20, I did not think I was 'good' enough for this boy home on leave. Now, I am 54, he is 57 and he's not at all the man I thought he would become, and he's also not the man he claims to be either.
I do know he is not a man who can become a quality part of my life, he is not someone who can add value and worth to my life, not emotionally and not financially. So, I can list what I can give to a relationship, now I want to know what a man plans to give to that same relationship.
I don't need sucked dry financially, and I don't need my head 'twisted' because only by messing with myu head ALOT will some man get me to make bloody stupid financial decisions that could ruin my financial stability.
This accident has not done that to me and Mike Ferrin will not do that to me. I am mad, I am indignant but I am not very emotionally hurt by the decision I made to step back from that relationship. First I stepped back, and that was my right, now I have stepped out of that relationship and I will not step back into it and I have closed cyber doors into my life for that man and I have the right to shut the doors and I know how to do it, or at least most of it.
I'm going to be ok, despite the car accident, despite the emergency appendicemy, despite my hard head and overly independent attitude.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Today was a good day
Jake called early this morning and pal Julie was here to spend most of the day. We had cornbread for our breakfast and while I prepped the chilies for the dryer Julie read the messages and comments that were sent to me and posted on my blog by the man I have/had been dating.
Wanted her opinion of what he was saying to see if she thought I was over reacting or any of the other things he brought up. She agreed that blocking his 'cyber stalking' was in my best interest and that all I have asked was that he get his financial house in stable order, back income taxes dealt with and both of us sign legal statements that protect our individual assets and property.
I want to believe that if our financial positions were reversed I would act far more considerate and deal with things in a business mannor instead of his telling me I have trust issues and I have never been loved before and just cannot accept someone loving and wanting to take care of me.
He needs a lot of dental work, he needs a doctor appointment so his maint. medications have new scripts so he can get those meds. He needs to be able to fill all those scripts instead of just part of them. He physically has a lot more problems pushing my small lawn mower than I do, and I am the person who was injured in a car accident and have had 2 surgeries in the past 7 months on my right foot and leg.
I don't see how he can take care of me when he isn't taking good care of himself, I cannot see how he can help fix my old house when he has his checking account in the red every month and still has not filed or paid his 2009 income taxes.
I think he has not been totally honest or accurate about financial issues, or maybe realistic... I'm not sure how to put it in words. The math doesn't work in my head, his ex wife's house with mortage against it was collateral for the loan to buy the salvage yard. That, I believe still had a mortgage/debt against it when it was sold, so debt had to be paid before there was any profit.
Profit put into a lot and building a house that was not totally finished, with a $275,000 mortgage against it, her original home sold to 1 of his daughter's and husband, at below market value, that mortgage had to be paid off... She took out the personal loan that bought his semi and trailer that he has clear title to. So, now where does his math come to him being the 1 who 'did it all'?
I walked his car hauler trailer when it was here, and I think it has signs of metal fatigue. And if I am right, he will continue to have repairs and down time, with no credit to help purchase a new one.
He has said 'in a month or two finaces would be stable' but he's said that for the past 8 months. That does not mean he cannot get his finances into a stable condition, his income taxes caught up and keep his trucking business in the black.
But I have reasons to have doubts and he's not doing much to show me his ability to get his business out of the red and keep it that way. And he sure has not done much to prove that he absolutely does not want any benefits from my coming insurance settlement.
I will agree that he does not want a new car, he expected me to just let him have my current pickup truck when I buy a new car with settlement money. He doesn't want a big fancy house, but he wants to be a part of either renovations here or the place out of town project but probably will not have funds to match what I invest in either places. But I am the 1 wrong to make it clear that without matching funds and sweat equity and legal paperwork there was no partnership and no 'we' or 'us' or 'our' stuff.
I'm not in a snit now, or mad or even upset, but I will not put him back on my facebook friends list, I took him off my yahoo messenger list and I started a new blog and will not post very much on the 1 he does know of. I hope he has a link to that 1 as it's no longer on my Facebook and he couldn't get to it there now anyway.
I don't think the problems are that I just really Love my single life, which I really do love my single and independent life. And I was very honest with him about that. I've dated, I've had guys I really cared about since my divorce from Miguel Ruiz and his return to Mexico but it's been 5 years this fall since he left and I started picking up the pieces of my heart and my life.
That man from the past has many good qualities and I do care for him but at 54 I am not willing to let some man turn my financial stability into a mess, nor am I going to trust him blindly.
So, I have stepped back from what we were building or what we might have been building. And I am comfortable with that decision, and I feel that I am not making the wrong choice. And he's quite able to make a life for himself without me, he has a great family, a trucking business that he says makes a lot of money and knows what a good person he is.
I will stay me, being me, with my funny little life and world and do all the things that make my life the great life I think I have. And I won't be sharing any insurance settlements out but invest it, and use it as I think is best...I am very good at thinking things through and making choices that work well for me.
Wanted her opinion of what he was saying to see if she thought I was over reacting or any of the other things he brought up. She agreed that blocking his 'cyber stalking' was in my best interest and that all I have asked was that he get his financial house in stable order, back income taxes dealt with and both of us sign legal statements that protect our individual assets and property.
I want to believe that if our financial positions were reversed I would act far more considerate and deal with things in a business mannor instead of his telling me I have trust issues and I have never been loved before and just cannot accept someone loving and wanting to take care of me.
He needs a lot of dental work, he needs a doctor appointment so his maint. medications have new scripts so he can get those meds. He needs to be able to fill all those scripts instead of just part of them. He physically has a lot more problems pushing my small lawn mower than I do, and I am the person who was injured in a car accident and have had 2 surgeries in the past 7 months on my right foot and leg.
I don't see how he can take care of me when he isn't taking good care of himself, I cannot see how he can help fix my old house when he has his checking account in the red every month and still has not filed or paid his 2009 income taxes.
I think he has not been totally honest or accurate about financial issues, or maybe realistic... I'm not sure how to put it in words. The math doesn't work in my head, his ex wife's house with mortage against it was collateral for the loan to buy the salvage yard. That, I believe still had a mortgage/debt against it when it was sold, so debt had to be paid before there was any profit.
Profit put into a lot and building a house that was not totally finished, with a $275,000 mortgage against it, her original home sold to 1 of his daughter's and husband, at below market value, that mortgage had to be paid off... She took out the personal loan that bought his semi and trailer that he has clear title to. So, now where does his math come to him being the 1 who 'did it all'?
I walked his car hauler trailer when it was here, and I think it has signs of metal fatigue. And if I am right, he will continue to have repairs and down time, with no credit to help purchase a new one.
He has said 'in a month or two finaces would be stable' but he's said that for the past 8 months. That does not mean he cannot get his finances into a stable condition, his income taxes caught up and keep his trucking business in the black.
But I have reasons to have doubts and he's not doing much to show me his ability to get his business out of the red and keep it that way. And he sure has not done much to prove that he absolutely does not want any benefits from my coming insurance settlement.
I will agree that he does not want a new car, he expected me to just let him have my current pickup truck when I buy a new car with settlement money. He doesn't want a big fancy house, but he wants to be a part of either renovations here or the place out of town project but probably will not have funds to match what I invest in either places. But I am the 1 wrong to make it clear that without matching funds and sweat equity and legal paperwork there was no partnership and no 'we' or 'us' or 'our' stuff.
I'm not in a snit now, or mad or even upset, but I will not put him back on my facebook friends list, I took him off my yahoo messenger list and I started a new blog and will not post very much on the 1 he does know of. I hope he has a link to that 1 as it's no longer on my Facebook and he couldn't get to it there now anyway.
I don't think the problems are that I just really Love my single life, which I really do love my single and independent life. And I was very honest with him about that. I've dated, I've had guys I really cared about since my divorce from Miguel Ruiz and his return to Mexico but it's been 5 years this fall since he left and I started picking up the pieces of my heart and my life.
That man from the past has many good qualities and I do care for him but at 54 I am not willing to let some man turn my financial stability into a mess, nor am I going to trust him blindly.
So, I have stepped back from what we were building or what we might have been building. And I am comfortable with that decision, and I feel that I am not making the wrong choice. And he's quite able to make a life for himself without me, he has a great family, a trucking business that he says makes a lot of money and knows what a good person he is.
I will stay me, being me, with my funny little life and world and do all the things that make my life the great life I think I have. And I won't be sharing any insurance settlements out but invest it, and use it as I think is best...I am very good at thinking things through and making choices that work well for me.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Starting a new blog...
I've had a blog here, I still have that blog but since some man stated his intentions to read my blogs and post his side/opinion/corrections there I will just start another blog where I can freely post my thoughts and feeling.
And my hopes, dreams, photos, real life stuff and let the man wonder what I am doing...cyber stalking me will become entertainment on my side when it suits me and I hope a dead end on his part. I think there are several ways to 'close' that cyber window he has had into my life and my little world. Our dating relationship has hit a very rough spot...one that I consider wrecked the boat..or he drilled holes in the boat and it sank.
So, here I start, given time I will get the photos I want here and I will write freely what I want to..and post nonsense at the other blog...
And my hopes, dreams, photos, real life stuff and let the man wonder what I am doing...cyber stalking me will become entertainment on my side when it suits me and I hope a dead end on his part. I think there are several ways to 'close' that cyber window he has had into my life and my little world. Our dating relationship has hit a very rough spot...one that I consider wrecked the boat..or he drilled holes in the boat and it sank.
So, here I start, given time I will get the photos I want here and I will write freely what I want to..and post nonsense at the other blog...
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