a letter to - - - -

Dear sister, dear guy boy who wrote me poems,
I am sitting here, beat tired and foot/ankle really hurting,knowing I will be going back to work in a few hours and put in another hard day.
I don't make the money you have in the past, I don't have an exciting life, go neat places that you have been.
but I have an honest life, no drugs,no booze, no deceptions or using people. While you sit serving time, or learning to live on a disability check, I will keep working my small job, living in my old house with the roof that leaks, paying down my debt load.
I also will enjoy fresh air in a small town, friends who value me,not use me. I will watch my flowers grow, take care of my garden and eat and share the bounty it will provide.
Sister, you really screwed up, now you do the time behind bars, and I will know you have a dry roof over your head, heat when it's cold and meals.
Mike, you face each day, knowing that your lies and deceptions cost you the woman of your dreams and she was far more than you ever imagined she would become.
Me, I am going to find the strength to make it through the next 5 days of work, and know I will be going to a better job with the job bid I won. Better benefits and better pay, better able to pay down my debt load faster and have a better standard of living.
Both of you matter to me, and both of you have really let me down. I sure don't envy either of you now, I have in the past but you sure fixed that one for me. Now I admit I want you, both of you to look at me, at my life, at my strength and courage and determination and be filled with regret and envy for the choices you made that put you in the positions you are in.
It may be a while before my roof is replaced, but I will get it done, and cope in the meantime. I hurt some times, bad enough to want a corner to curl up in and cry, but I won't give in and feel sorry for myself or make excuses or blame anyone.
I do hold Youngs accountable for the accident, the man that is dead, and the wife he had a bitter fight with before leaving for work that night he hit my truck head on and killed himself. But I don't blame or whine about how unfair it is.
Look at where you are at, and accept that you put yourself there, not bad luck, not genetics, not someone else, you and you alone.
Choices you made, things you did or chose to not do, ya, it's time to reap the crop that you sowed and the reaping can be bitter. I know that well and that life has it's ways of balancing things out. So, I do think about it, and want to keep that scale balanced in my favor, I work hard at being a good person, at making good choices, at treating others right, at being honest.
So, while you do your time, sister dear, you earned that time behind bars, and Mike,while you live a low budget, pain filled life, you earned that one too. It was your body to take care of, and your financial 'house' to take care of, your future and old age to plan for..now, reap what you spend years sowing and think about that girl you dreamed about and the amazing,smart, strong, capable woman she grew into..
And I will continue to work hard to have a good life, to be honest, to take care of the body I live in, and the old house I own.
I will put in the hours at work, even when it hurts enough to make me want to cry and I will find joy in my freedom and my quiet life in my old river town, a long way from the cages you both have put yourself into...

All the things that go wrong

I knew it was going to rain but did not move the bed, so now my bedding is in the dryer,, the mattress is propped up so it will dry faster and the dehumidifier is running and I am beat tired, hurt, grumpy and mentally kicking myself about being stupid again.
But 1 of my sisters is even more stupid, her son/my nephew called last night while I was at work, I called him this am early and learned his mother, my sister #2 is now serving time, along with her daughter and son in law for dealing Drugs!!!
I have made so many stupid mistakes, the men I have been involved with, the way I have wasted money but I have been smart enough to stay away from drugs and from drinking.
I hope to make smart choices with what I do with any funds I get from the settlement from the auto accident. I do a lot of thinking about it, what is top of the list, what vehicles are on a list for possible IF I can afford to do that, what needs done on this old house. The roof is first, and the knee walls and cross ties up there so the attic can become the studio I want.
the property surveyed and fenced is on that 'want' list, along with new walks,new front porch support/floor, a back deck, debt paid off is high on the list, after the roof.
I hope the job change works out well for me, temp is a gamble but it could work into permanent, the pay is more and the benefits are better. I hope I have less stress and less pain, but no job is perfect and the new job will be busy and have me on my feet as much or more but in a safer area and not as hard of work, not as much problems or problem people.
I'm thinking a tub of hot water and soak while I wait on bedding to dry, I have more sets of sheets but I need/want that blasted mattress pad and I want the mattress to have some time to start drying out too.
These spring storms have taken out entire towns, killed a lot of people, flooded farms, towns, you name it, so I am fortunate that my only problem is the very old roof on this very old house. I am coping with that most of the time, today I just messed up, didn't think about it, did not expect much rain...stupid of me but I am fixing the problem.