Easter Weekend in the Corvid-19 plague era

     Yes, I know it's not being called a plague, it is a virus, and antibiotics will not work to treat it, too bad our current president is too stupid to understand that.
     It's after midnight so well past my bedtime but I let a phone call with my youngest son upset me, not so much my son but his father and health problems, which seem to be due to lack of taking care of his health.  And I am not to blame for that, no, Jake is not blaming me or commenting on his dad neglecting his health but it's adding burdens to Jake's young shoulders and that's what is bothering me.
     I think Sam has no problems with putting weight on Jake's shoulders, in expecting his son to be his 'fixer' in life.  Yes, I do realize that Jake too is making that choice, and I need to stay out of it.  But Jake is my son too, and I do not want him not living his life for years while he takes care of his dad, supports his dad and adult younger brother who needs to accept being an adult and become a self-responsible, self-supporting adult.
     And for some stupid reason, I am mad at myself for momentarily feeling guilty that I am not taking care of Sam so Jake doesn't have to.   But to be honest, many years ago, 1994 to be exact, Sam wanted either we divorce or I do everything his way, including let him have what my godfather had left me.  He was not content with me being farm labor, earning the paycheck at the chicken plant that was paying our living bills and helping pay ranch/farm bills but he wanted that inheritance with no agreement to repay it to me, or for me to have any involvement or say on how he spent/used it.
      It's been a very long road for me to become independent and have the backbone to stand up for myself, I do accept and understand that I was raised to be a doormat.  And I am not blaming anyone for that, blame will not fix or change it and my grandparents did the best job they knew how with raising 3 grandkids.  And they both sacrificed a lot for us, far more than they ever let us know.
     And I am glad Jake called and that the phone and I were in the same place for a change.  My smartphone spends most of the time on a shelf and often shut off, that is why it has a power button, so I can turn it off and ignore it. 
     And phone calls from Jake that end up talking about his dad or a couple other people usually end up with me having crazy, not fun nightmares.  Which is why I am here and not asleep in my bed.  I need to sort out my head so that I do sleep peacefully and not with nightmares that have woke me up crying.  I'm not going down that road, not tonight and I am not going to make myself miserable over Sam's health problems.  I am not the cause of them, and I am not obligated to feel guilty or to help take care of that man.
      Here we have our plant still working, management trying to prevent any of us getting or sharing Covid-19, trying to keep us employed and producing quality pork products, and that works well for me, both emotionally and financially. 
      Spring is here, my redbud trees have their very first flower buds, which means my volunteer seedlings have finally gotten old enough to make flower buds this spring.  And my volunteer oak sapling has survived the winter after I moved it this past fall and is slowly getting ready to put out leaves too.  2 of the scooters are out for riding season so I now have room to work on the vintage scooter.
      Debt is going down, the freezer has plenty of meat in it, and I have 2 doll dresses ready to start the hand smocking and these will probably be put up for sale on a doll group or 2.  I have enough fabric face masks to go all week with 3 every day.  They are not the best protection but they are far better than nothing.
     When I calm down and really look at my life and my choices and direction I find the balance and know I am ok and I will manage to make good choices, for my reasons and that work for me.  That I will continue to live my life as I need and want to, including taking care of my health and my actual responsibilities. 
      I know there is a lot that I cannot fix and that it's not my job to fix, and I know that I can't make choices for others.  I can't change what this Corvid-19 does to our nation, to the economy or prevent it from killing a lot of people, but I can try and not catch it and not spread it.  I can keep going to work as long as that is possible and I can keep paying my bills and contributing to the economy.
     So, it's Easter, a time of renewal and of rebirth, and time for me to get to bed, to start another day and get some things done here that need doing before work Monday.

Things I want and don’t really need

   That seems to sum it up, I want to eat my pizza at Pizza Hut, not being it home to eat.  But I don’t need to eat in the restaurant, but now that we cannot, I realize just how much that eating in that place, with that staff and who I was with was the really good part.  Not complaining about the quality of the food, but it’s the other stuff that I am really missing.
     I don’t know if we will ever get that old normal back after this pandemic ends, it will leave it’s mark on all of us, will make changes we don’t even see coming now.  It’s worse than many realize or want to accept and it will continue to get worse for the next week or next month or maybe even the next year.
    And I want the old normal back, and I want an e-reader.  No, I do not need 1, no, there’s no book right now that I am desperate to read and need the e-reader for that.  But I gave my Kindle away several years ago, and it was the right choice and to the right people. I do not want to give up my iBooks to have a kindle reader on my Apple products and I do not plan to use my darn smartphone for an e-reader.  I want a bloody damn new e-reader and I am Not going to use credit to buy it and have it NOW.  
     But that stimulus $$ will soon show up in my bank and I can buy it then and put the rest of the stimulus on high interest credit debt.  And I am going to buy more books in digital format and miss the real, with paper pages edition.  But it’s storage and space and looking at what I want and where I do not want to be once I retire.  And I already have a lot of books that I would end up packing in boxes, heavy boxes to move once again.  More books than the latest move, a lot more heavy books to move.  That’s why I want the e-reader and now.  So that I can work on adjusting my old brain to adapting to digital books, and be a bit more practical about the future and what really needs to matter.
    But right now, I just need to survive this pandemic and stay sane.