I admit I am counting down the days until I am back at work. But I did get a doll dress made that I had cut out last fall. I did get the first estimate on replacing my roof, will want as many as I can get and then to check on rep of the bidders.
I did have a good day with Julie here yesterday. Ben's been here all week and has tinkered with Jake's damaged laptop. Appears that the LCD screen is damaged but rest of computer functions fine..so with something for a screen, Ben is gaming to his heart's content on Jake's computer--
I am coping ok, phone call from what was probably a collection agency for Mike Ferrin this week was a surprise, did not expect to have such calls coming here. I am not surprised about a collection agency wanting to contact him, just that they would have my phone # in connection with him.
Not a problem for me, Ben is the 1 who answered the phone and he also was surprised that anyone would call here for that person.
I do a lot of thinking and sorting out my head with time off work, my regular days off, and this vacation time. I still feel I am in a 'holding pattern' in some ways, but know my life is moving forward, or that time is, and I will get by and survive.
People and things don't matter to me as much as they did before the accident, I've pulled away emotionally from the world in some ways, and that has both it's good points and some probably negative ones.
I do look forward to spring and working my flower beds and garden, it does a lot of positive things for my soul and heart. This year I will get dormant oil and do my plum trees and the roses, this year I will buy some bug spray and use it carefully, this year I should not be so handicapped and unable to take care of my tiny bit of ground here.
I want to see the pampas grass started along the outside of the berm, and move the roses and replace them with Robin Hood Roses as they will get taller and make a tighter, higher hedge.
I will get through the winter and through the insurance settlement, I will get through the management changes at work, the changes in supply/warehouse department and I will not let this accident or Mike's deception mess up my life and head.
But I will also guard myself more than I did before, that trust issue is shot to pieces and at this time I have no reason to want to fix it. I am better off not trusting other people for the most part, depending on only me works far better than picking up myself after someone lets me down or messes my life up.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
A new year and figuring it out
So, it's getting close to the end of the first week of the new year. And getting close to the first anniversary of the car accident that has changed my life so profoundly. I am working on adjusting to all the changes, and still figuring some of them out.
Physically I have a lot more changes than are noticeable, the amount of pain, how it is affecting movement and attitude. How it has changed me in ways I didn't know it would change me.
Harder, more bitter, and more anger about the causes of the accident. It was not just Mark Young at fault, his state of mind was a direct result of his marriage problem and his argument with his wife about his adultery.
I have a harder attitude at work, and in some cases/situations, that is an improvement. Gwenn and Dave D no longer make much waves in my mental world with their petty attitudes or snippy, nasty little comments. I have not told them to go to hell but they sure do know they don't matter a lot to me and I don't cower at their disapproval or negative attitudes.
And I find it quite entertaining that they are both dis-pleased with who has the purchasing manager job and the new warehouse supervisor job. Bot of them applied for both of those openings and neither were qualified, but they are going to nit-pick the 2 people who did get those openings.
Maintenance has a very good opinion of Megan, the new dept. head and I have a lot of trust in their judgment, many of them have had Megan as their dept. head. Julie W, has a good history of supervisor in some challenging departments and I think she is more capable of dealing with warehouse, supply and the equipment/frock room people than Gwenn and Dave want to give her credit for. Jealous and sour grapes is a big part of their problems.
I am going to say they are right in their assessment of Tina T and what little work she manages to do and get done. We have had some changes in time schedules and job duties and it will be interesting to see if Tina T starts to get done what is now her job responsibilities.
Dating is a huge change, my attitude about relationships, what I need and want has changed with the changes in me this accident has caused. I am not willing to put much into a relationship nor do I want anyone taking up much of my off work time and I sure don't want someone taking up any space here in my home and adding to the work load here for me.
Mike Ferrin's deceptions about financial matters hurt me some financially, and emotionally sure added to the lack of trust in other people, especially men that I do have. He lied from the very beginning about some huge financial problems and obligations that were and are his and that could have resulted in me being impoverished for the rest of my life.
I have made some terrible financial choices in my adult life, and almost all of them have come about because of the man I was involved with at the time those decisions were made. Men have greatly benefited from those relationships and I have ended up footing the bills for that.
I am no longer willing or able to continue to be so very stupid about men and about money. I am not concerned about their poverty or money problems. I also will not get involved with anyone that could become a problem that way.
So, it suits me to have a very not too involved 'thing' going with Carl M. And what is or isn't going on between us is far more our business than people at plant realize. They can talk and speculate all they want. We will manage to get along and do what works for us despite their help and supervision and so forth.
I am ok with the person I have become with this accident, but I know some other are not as happy, mostly because I am not doing anything for them now, I am not willing to do anything for them now, I will not make time for them in my life...gee, too bad, I cannot take care of my own responsibilities and some of theirs.
I am looking at tax refund time and making a small dent in some of the debt load. I won't gain much but I will gain about $100 less per month to pay out so that can go to some of the huge credit debt so it goes down a bit faster.
I am looking forward to the doctor appointment and insurance visit after that and hope to see this accident settlement by construction time this spring. And I hope to see enough from the settlement so that the house can get the needed roof work without a loan.
This week I have a good paycheck and will put it to good use, know I need to be very practical for several years as I dig my way out of debt and work on repairs and improvements my old house needs.
I no longer feel guilty about having a self centered life, about me and what I want and need being the center of my life and what I do, how I spend my money and time. I have spent most of my 54 years doing for others first alot of the time, but I have no husband, and my children are all adults now, my parents are gone so I am on my own. And my responsibilities and my needs can come first and will.
Kid is my indulgence and spoilt and catered to pet, and the birds have me, but everyone else can go fend for themselves. I will choose who I spend my time with, and what I do for others. And I am not going to be able to fit into my time anyone or anything that don't suit me
Physically I have a lot more changes than are noticeable, the amount of pain, how it is affecting movement and attitude. How it has changed me in ways I didn't know it would change me.
Harder, more bitter, and more anger about the causes of the accident. It was not just Mark Young at fault, his state of mind was a direct result of his marriage problem and his argument with his wife about his adultery.
I have a harder attitude at work, and in some cases/situations, that is an improvement. Gwenn and Dave D no longer make much waves in my mental world with their petty attitudes or snippy, nasty little comments. I have not told them to go to hell but they sure do know they don't matter a lot to me and I don't cower at their disapproval or negative attitudes.
And I find it quite entertaining that they are both dis-pleased with who has the purchasing manager job and the new warehouse supervisor job. Bot of them applied for both of those openings and neither were qualified, but they are going to nit-pick the 2 people who did get those openings.
Maintenance has a very good opinion of Megan, the new dept. head and I have a lot of trust in their judgment, many of them have had Megan as their dept. head. Julie W, has a good history of supervisor in some challenging departments and I think she is more capable of dealing with warehouse, supply and the equipment/frock room people than Gwenn and Dave want to give her credit for. Jealous and sour grapes is a big part of their problems.
I am going to say they are right in their assessment of Tina T and what little work she manages to do and get done. We have had some changes in time schedules and job duties and it will be interesting to see if Tina T starts to get done what is now her job responsibilities.
Dating is a huge change, my attitude about relationships, what I need and want has changed with the changes in me this accident has caused. I am not willing to put much into a relationship nor do I want anyone taking up much of my off work time and I sure don't want someone taking up any space here in my home and adding to the work load here for me.
Mike Ferrin's deceptions about financial matters hurt me some financially, and emotionally sure added to the lack of trust in other people, especially men that I do have. He lied from the very beginning about some huge financial problems and obligations that were and are his and that could have resulted in me being impoverished for the rest of my life.
I have made some terrible financial choices in my adult life, and almost all of them have come about because of the man I was involved with at the time those decisions were made. Men have greatly benefited from those relationships and I have ended up footing the bills for that.
I am no longer willing or able to continue to be so very stupid about men and about money. I am not concerned about their poverty or money problems. I also will not get involved with anyone that could become a problem that way.
So, it suits me to have a very not too involved 'thing' going with Carl M. And what is or isn't going on between us is far more our business than people at plant realize. They can talk and speculate all they want. We will manage to get along and do what works for us despite their help and supervision and so forth.
I am ok with the person I have become with this accident, but I know some other are not as happy, mostly because I am not doing anything for them now, I am not willing to do anything for them now, I will not make time for them in my life...gee, too bad, I cannot take care of my own responsibilities and some of theirs.
I am looking at tax refund time and making a small dent in some of the debt load. I won't gain much but I will gain about $100 less per month to pay out so that can go to some of the huge credit debt so it goes down a bit faster.
I am looking forward to the doctor appointment and insurance visit after that and hope to see this accident settlement by construction time this spring. And I hope to see enough from the settlement so that the house can get the needed roof work without a loan.
This week I have a good paycheck and will put it to good use, know I need to be very practical for several years as I dig my way out of debt and work on repairs and improvements my old house needs.
I no longer feel guilty about having a self centered life, about me and what I want and need being the center of my life and what I do, how I spend my money and time. I have spent most of my 54 years doing for others first alot of the time, but I have no husband, and my children are all adults now, my parents are gone so I am on my own. And my responsibilities and my needs can come first and will.
Kid is my indulgence and spoilt and catered to pet, and the birds have me, but everyone else can go fend for themselves. I will choose who I spend my time with, and what I do for others. And I am not going to be able to fit into my time anyone or anything that don't suit me
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