Well, I managed to completely delete everything I had thought I saved before chasing down more coffee last night. I guess that was because I needed to put more though and reflection on what I had written.
I am very glad to be going to Michigan Fiber Festival, I went 12 years ago, took my oldest grandchild, unplanned but family problems and some separation and possible cooling down time was a good idea. I don't know that it helped, but I know I made the right choices then, and I keep working on making them now.
This trip I am going alone, unless you count a small doll as company, I plan to have some fun with photo shoots with the doll. I also have a very small tent, will camp a bit 'rough' and have 4 nights, 3 classes and am so very excited about going. But it's over 375 miles each way, a long and not fun drive, and no, there is no way I can take the weaving equipment, which I need for 1 of the classes I am taking and take the GTS. I put a lot of thought into how I could manage that and no, there just is no way...scoots store and the drive is manageable, but will be Boring.
I am not involved with my first born child and have very limited contact with her children, a choice of distance and knowing that at 1 time it was better for them, less conflict and less problems of head messing by their mother, now it's they are grown or almost grown and leading their own lives. And the younger 3, whose dad and his family have done a great job of of parenting and supporting and of being good role models, are doing well, 2 off in college, the youngest will be heading that way soon. Young adults who are making a lot of very good choices with their lives and who they associate with, where they go and what they do.
I can't say the same for that oldest grand child, but I will say that it is her life and her choices, she is the one who is living them and either can find ways to make them work or understand that 'help' always comes with strings, some of those strings are acceptable and workable, some are not and it's up to an individual to make that decision.
I have not been a good example always, I was not raised with some good examples on some issues/things/behaviors and I was raised to think I was not capable of getting and keeping a job, of managing money, of making good, intelligent choices. It's nice that I did prove my grandmother wrong on my mental abilities, it came a little late, and I am glad my mother realized and understood that she did her share to contribute to my failing to believe in myself, and in my own rights to live my life by my own choices.
I know I was too young and not ready when I had my first child, and it was a 'choice' I was pressured into making, oh, not an accidental conception, that was deliberate, it's that I was not wanting to start a family so young, I knew I was not ready for that, I was married but I wanted college and even had been saving up for that.
But I gave in to pressure, and I felt I didn't have a right to stand up for what I wanted, I thought that was selfish and bad, so I gave in. and I continued to give in on so many things for so many years, just be a door mat, just try to conform, just do what he wanted.
Now, I am living my life, my choices, it's my job and my paycheck and my house and I am very independent and very single and most of the time at peace with who I am and what I am doing. I know now that not only can I NOT fix other people's lives, choices, problems but I am also Not Responsible for their decisions and I don't have to try and fix it, I do not have to sacrifice for them and I don't have to feel guilty for my choice and living my life for me.
I do care about all those children, 4 of them, that I gave birth to, and did my best to parent, and I do accept they do not all see or understand that. I hope they have lives that work for them and are doing well, but I also know they are all adults, wow, the oldest turns 44 this Thanksgiving season and the youngest is already 29. And I just double checked the math on that, time has gotten away from me.
Go fly, spread your wings, become what you need to become, ask if you need my help but do not slam me because I am also human and was not a perfect parent. You can walk away, you can disown me, you can tell the world I was a failure or accuse me of abuse or of allowing it to happen. It is your life and your choices and you live it, if those feelings, attitudes, lies make your life better, fine. If they are why you use as excuses for why you are who you are or why you have screwed up your own life, well, that's actually not going to cause any damage in my life and I no longer let your words and actions cause me damage. I've grown too and I've learned what strings to let go, which ones to cut.
My life works and is a good life because I work to make it that. and it is very much My life.
