Another Christmas and I am still glad I gave up all that commercial hype.

     I do get it that a lot of people enjoy the season, and that merchants and their suppliers depend on this huge spending frenzy to help keep in the black.  But it is ok if some of us choose to not play, that does not mean we do not believe in God, or that we do not have faith, but, really, a long list of pagan rituals dressed up for church reasons and commercial reasons do not have to center my life.

     I don't have depression problems, or anger issues, I just don't want to play the game, just do not need that gift giving, that money spending or that guilt tripping.

    Instead, here the meal is in the slow cooker, some progress on the drywall work in my attic area will get done and I will very gladly work for overtime tomorrow and not complain about 2 paid days off, and overtime on a Saturday.

     My old truck has major transmission problems, which will cost a very big bucket of money to fix, but the fix is a better choice than a vehicle change at this time.  It is parked at the shop, a key and note in the box for my awesome mechanic, and I will stop in after work Monday to see what the costs will be and the time frame.  In the meantime, son Jake has lent me his jeep so I have transportation and will be fine.

     We have had a mild winter so far, and hopefully son Ben and I will make good progress on the attic work today as I know we are expecting colder temps and winds, so having that area drywalled will really help.  It will be several weeks before I have my sewing corner set back up, but it will get done, and a friend gifted me with 10 feet of good countertop so I will be building in a great sewing table with some storage beneath and able to set up and use several machines without a battle.

     I think I can still go ahead with the plans to have a small building built for my wood working tools, winter storage for the scooter and Rebel but no space for anyone else to rent or otherwise get me to store any of their things here.  I have too much stuff belonging to my sons as it is now.  I am not the free storage place and I will not become that.

     The ownership change at the plant is starting to show in small ways, we better ship up and do what jobs we are paid for or be walking out the door.  I am glad. I never had bad work habits, and at my advanced age, I sure will not be gaining them.  And taking the job bid to boxing stomaches was a good choice for me, and if offered the set up before we start, I will take that overtime.  

     The truck having major and very costly transmission problems has changed my position on any overtime offered, I will take it and be very glad for it, this will change my plans some, will put me back in debt more than I had hoped, and I will not be making the progress with debt pay down I had expected or planned to be making.

     But my sewing space work will be on the budget and we will keep working at the labor part until it is done and my sewing space set back up, cleaner, better organized and more energy efficient than it has been.

     I know how to roll with most of the ups and downs life has, and how to find another working game plan, what to push, pull or just set aside.  So I will be ok, will manage and will be putting more of my tax refund into debt pay down than I had planned but it will work out.  

     And I have loads of fabrics and yarns to play with so have plenty of entertainment here at home, plenty of dolls to sew for and will be fine.

Not tonight, I refuse to deal with anything.

     I lost or never had a copy of the letter to the plant for accommodations for handicapped that I did over 4 years ago, so will need to compose a new 1 for the new company, but not tonight.  

     I have several sewing projects that need work, but not tonight, things just are not working well and I am not that fond of my seam ripper, just not tonight.

     Yes, there is always knitting waiting for me, but not tonight, not even the sock I started Monday evening, it can wait, there will be another day to work on it.

     I know I need to plan out what bills get paid Friday and what the priority list is for that paycheck, but not tonight, it just is not w good night t deal with finances, which are doing ok, but this is not the night to work on them, another night will make better decisions and the calculator will probably like me better.

      I am just going to give up and go to bed early, everything that needs my attention will be there tomorrow or Thursday, life is ok here but I am just not even going to try and deal with things, I let that stupid letter become a mountain and so now I will just leave it and everything else alone and they can shrink back to real size and be easy to deal with.

And a New chapter begins

    I was not planning to start many new chapters in my life, at my age but life has ways of changing things for a person.  And since Cargill sold the entire pork division to JBS, many people are starting new chapters in their lives, at least if they wish to keep working in the same location.
     I did pick up and fill out and turn in the paperwork to start 401K plans with the new employer, who also uses Vanguard so hopefully I will not go many paychecks before I am putting money into 2 401K plans, 1 pretax and the other is after.. And I have called Vanguard about rolling my Cargill accounts over into the new ones, once those are set up so that is all lined up, at least as much as I can line it up. 
     I went on line and did the stuff I could do for my Cargill pension, I can cash that out and since the pension from Con-Agra is locked and I will have it to draw once I reach 65, I did not want to have another locked when using the funds to pay down debt is a smarter choice at this time.  That paperwork is on it's way back to wherever it has to go, hopefully filled out correctly with everything needed so it can be processed and the certified check sent to me asap.  I might have that by the first week in December.
      Plans do include buying a reasonable sized utility building for a wood shop and setting it up to be a working wood shop and a place for the scooter and Rebel to live in the winter.  I need to have the maple tree cut down, it is slowly dying and needs removed anyway, and then decide on which building, mark out the location and make plans to put in gravel and 6x6 lumber for it to sit on and I think I will need to do 3 'foundation beams' but it will depend on which way the floor joices are laid out in the building.  I do know the door needs to face the house, and I need to remember the very small redbud tree that is already planted so the building is not on top of that and will allow it some growing room.
     We worked today, first Saturday in a very long time and we are hearing there will be production every Saturday and we might work 10 hour days every other week, with night shift working 10's on the alternate weeks.  The money will be good but the hours will beat many of us to pieces. 
     I do have some vacation time coming up and will be attending the BJD convention down in St. Louis next weekend, my first time to go but am joining doll friends down there who will make sure I don't get lost.  I am looking forward to the time away and the fun.
     We are still battling bed bugs some here, we/Ben thinks 1 hitched a ride on his clothing when he was doing some minor carpentry work for a friend, it had been several weeks since either of us had been bitten but we are spraying chairs, beds, floors and starting the war once again.  This has not been a fun battle, the damn bugs are so tiny I can't usually see them and have yet to see a hatchling or baby but sure have been bitten a few times by what Ben says is newly hatched. 
     Our weather is staying mild for this time of year, I am glad as need to do some work under the west side of the house to deal with some air gaps before we have a lot of cold winds and manage to keep putting that job off.  But the old house is making a bit of progress and I hope to have funds for more drywall for the attic area, would like to get all the drywall done in my sewing area, I know that would make it easier to keep clean and also more comfortable, I do have drafts on the north east corner that remind me I need to get the work done.
     So, most of the time I am content and like my little life, and I know it works for me.  It is not the life I thought I would have when I was much younger but it is what I do have and what I have made for myself.  And I just cannot see a reason to get involved with a dating relationship at this time, or any time soon, if ever.  I can daydream such silly things while I am working those very boring jobs in a meat packing plant but sure do not want to start dating any one.
     So, I hope those people in my past have good lives and are happy and so forth and I will be content to live here and do my own thing.  That reaching back into the past to touch base with someone did not work out so well 6 years ago.  Not the fault of my car accident but that accident and the possibility of a settlement that might be in the reach of someone, who had money problems he was not honest about, ya, I can see where I looked like a nice, ripe plum just ready for plucking.
      I don't think most of the people I knew when I was in my early 20's would even pick me out of a crowd, and they sure would not think to find me here, in a small river town, working labor in a meat processing plant or living the solitary life I am living.  I have changed, found my way, built my own security and self belief, become a strong and independent person, a far change and a very long way from the young and really naïve woman child I was when I was 20 or even 26. 
   But I think about that man from the Jessie L Brown, and the way he smiled and made me laugh, and wish his world has been a good one and he is doing well with his life.  And life does move on, and we have gone such different directions, I have gone so far, and it took me so long to find who I really am and to become strong enough to stand my ground and live by my choices and not by the orders and direction or to suit other people.
     But it is getting time for me to turn in, my days start very early even when I am off work, my internal clock seems to not be able to tell it is a 'sleep in' day.

Battling the bug problems here. dry and put away again

     Well, it looks like the city is trying to help with the outside bug issues, some, anyway.  They have the code informer out looking for issues on private property that could help harbor and add to the bug problems, like standing water in things like old tires, and tall grasses and weeds, clutter and junk.  All well and good, they are ruffling feathers and keeping posts on the local forum entertaining at times.
     Here at home I have gotten to the vet for flea dope for Shadow, 6 applications which will get us into winter, and $88 for the costs of that.  And it appears that either from my work bag, containing bandanas, hair nets, and such or from the current house son and his out and about visiting people, we are now battling an infestation of bed bugs.  Oh, how nice, and if that adult son had been far more open, blunt, honest about the bug problems he was having down stairs, they might have been being dealt with before they became a problem upstairs.
     Instead he just went elsewhere for several weeks, and only when I caught up with 2 sons about their mess in MY downstairs bedroom did he come home to tackle the mess and discuss the bug issue.
     So, I am spending the money I hoped to restock cupboards this vacation on flea and bed bug bombs and sprays, doing huge amounts of cleaning, laundry and trying to bake my pillows and such soft goods in my truck the next day or two.  I now have a bombing schedule on the white board, and will be bombing every weekend for weeks, which means the birds and their cage go outside to the patio, bombs get set off, I spend 2 hours with the dog on a chain and unhappy, the birds outside and not happy and me sitting with them knitting or reading and watching the clock.  After 2 hours I am in the house to open windows, start house airing, spray areas with flea and bedbug spray and then back outside for 2 hours
      After that 2nd waiting outside time, I get to come in and start wiping down kitchen counters so stuff I took out can come back in, like my iPad and knitting and snacks.  Then I go up and wipe down and clean the bird area, they come in, get back into small pet tote, and get madder, the cage again is taken  apart so it can go back upstairs, clean food and water and the mad birds get back home.  Loads of kitchen stuff to wash and put away again and loads of laundry to wash and dry again.
      This will need done every weekend four more times, skip a weekend and the next weekendshould be the last time until we get infested again by what is becoming a common household problem.  I am glad I have been on vacation this week and did have extra money to buy part of the needed bombs and spray

Dealing with huge changes here.

I     I have been here over 12 years now, and have adjusted to change after change, and keep making my life work, keep paying my bills, supporting myself and at times, others.  And I am just fine with that, had expected to work here, at this plant until I was too disabled or old enough to retire, work for Cargill Meat Solutions, slowly pay down debt, build up some retirement benefits, put a bit in 401K, and just keep this little pattern going.

    But it seems Cargill is selling the entire pork division, including our plant, and so, I will be seeing changes, a new name to the place I work, more paperwork to do, change in who puts my paycheck into my checking account and hopefully who puts my deductions into all the places I have them going, from taxes to savings.

     So, all of us at the plant will be changing who we work for, or will be choosing to leave.  I am going to accept the job I am promised by the sales agreements, and deal with all the paperwork that will take, when the time comes.  Hopefully, once it is done, I will feel my life settle back into the rythem and patterns that I have been working to have my life be.

     I want to continue to work, continue to pay down debt, continue to work on this old house, play with my dolls, sew, knit, read my choice of books and live my funny little quiet life I treasure so much.

And this is the life I have built, day by day, and the financial stability I have created, no one has given it to me.  I have worked for and earned it.  And I have a right to keep it as stable as I can.

     I have sure failed at marriage, and had men fail me too, but I have managed to make my life work, without a man helping to pay the bills, or messing up my life.  And it works here, and I am happy, or most of the time I am happy and content.

     It took me a very long time to get this stable, both financially and emotionally, mentally but I have gotten there and am not going to let the plant ownership change rock that or any person rock that.  I am too old to want to play that game and I don't miss the company or attentions of a man, nor do I miss their attitudes, issues and wants and needs.  Maybe that is part of aging, I am not too worried about it, I sure don't need romance, and if I want some, there are silly books and movies handy to entertain me without causing my finances or my emotions any hardship.

     This past year has really settled out for me, I ended dating and started real living my life, my way, for my wants and needs.  I am more stable, my financial world is more solid, my old house has made some very needed progress and I am doing what I want or need to with my off work time.

     But I do wish we would see less rain and some good motorcycle riding time on weekends, and less biting bugs that seem to attack me every time I walk out the door.

Rains and then more rains

     Well, things are growing well, and it is challenging to weed at Clayville.org due to wet ground, the lawn here gets mowed as I can get to it, Monday after work and needs it again already.  But a metal roof keeps my home dry, my attic space is making very slow progress but I manage to use and enjoy my attic area.

     Work is going ok, about 39 hours a week right now, sometimes a bit more and I am making progress, slow, but still progress paying down the medical bills and making a tiny dent in the credit debt.  Life has a good balance for me, most of the time and I refuse to let much rock my little world.

     I did sell 1 of the tan Izzy dolls, she shipped out Thursday and should be received tomorrow/Saturday.  The funds paid for another Wiggs doll I won on eBay, a pants pattern for SD size dolls, a wig for the coming Gracie doll and a payment on credit debt so that worked nicely for me. 

     I am watching another Wiggs doll, the same sculpt as the one I won but I think the face up is about the ugliest I have seen yet.  This is at least the 3rd time I have seen this very ugly and overpriced doll up for sale.  The sculpt is a lovely face, face painting can take a face from nice to amazing or take a lovely face and turn it ugly, and no upper eye lashes really helps that ugly out.

     And I am sewing, working on pants, a pattern I have had for ages that will fit the dolls I finally own.. I made the cap this week and think it went well but need shank buttons for the top where the crown pieces all meet up.  Right now I have knickers ready for the leg bands to be hand finished, turn them right side to and put fasteners on and see how they fit.  I want to tweak this pattern to fit the 3 different Wiggs dolls I have.  The shirts, vest, jacket and cap need little or no changes but the waist and hips and leg length go from a 43 cm doll to 45 to 53.  If it stays wet this weekend I will be glad for a project to keep me entertained.

     Well, past bedtime, way past my bedtime.

Walking through the past in my mind

Been doing some of that recently and will admit Sam going back to the Phillipines again is part of the why.  His wife is buried there, he did so much more to make that marriage work and to make her happy than he ever did in ours.  

No, I am not jealous, hurt, yes, some, and puzzled as I saw how she treated him, at times.  Physical and verbal abuse, financial ruin, shattered dreams, but she was of far more value to him than I ever was.  This does not make me less of a person, but I am puzzled as to the why.

I work hard here to have a life that I am content with, my life, my own way, solitary, because that works best for me.  

I refuse to see myself as a failure, and refuse to let my past determine my future or my worth.  But there are times I walk through memories and become sad, and times I am angry, but that never lasts long, the sad lasts longer.  But not lonely, I don't feel lonely or needing another human to fill any space or make me of more value.

I just do not understand humans, I know I am also human but the species puzzles me, makes me feel I am not really a part of them, and that I don't want to be, not if I have to be like them, think and act like them.  And I don't think we are getting to be nicer beings, or kinder, or take better care of our small planet.  I cannot change others, so I will be content with working on me, and on liking who I am and on liking this small and quiet life I am living.

I don't envy many others and never for very long, don't envy Sam being able to afford his trip to the Phillipines, or LuAnn and Randy with their trip to UK, and I hope that Sam finds what he is looking for, or does what ever it is that he needs to do.  And I sure do not want him sad, or lonely or in my life.

I built my life around him and his wants and needs, once, and he knew it and used it and walked all over me, until there was nothing much left of me, for him and for my then very young sons.

It has been 21 years now, since we separated and divorced, long years, some of them rough, hard, but I put me back together, different person that I was before I met him, but stronger and smarter and more sure of what I need, who I am and how to make my life work so I keep liking who I am.

So, some days I get a bit sad, a little puzzled, but I get through it, might not figure out some of that puzzle but do work through enough that it no longer makes waves in my emotional pond, and my world is stable and I am at peace again.

Mother's Day.....

      For me it was a wet day with rains coming, sons here for a meal and time to sew on part of the UFDC stuff for the event our local doll club is sponsoring this year.

       I did get a surprise Facebook message from someone I have had no contact with for almost 30 years.  The past is long past, my life here in Illinois works well for me, because I work hard and make good choices and do what it takes to have a life I like.  

     And since I have been a mother for a lot of years, and those children that have a genetic link to him are grown and have been for a long time, it is rather late to tell me Happy Mother's Day.  His life, and what he does, where he is, has no connection to me and my life and I plan to keep it that way.

     Here, I have a house I have provided for myself, and stuff I have worked to pay for, ok credit, not great, but ok credit.  Not much in the bank and plenty of bills and debts to pay on, but a good job to earn that money, and occasionally a bit for play.

     My sewing space is a work in progress but I have a place to sew and good sewing machines, a good work table for cutting fabrics, a workable ironing board, not great but at least I can iron what needs ironed.  I sure have a lot better life than what that man provided for me, and no raving temper fits, no pot smoking, no foul and abusive attitude.   

     He taught me to drive, and taught me some about bikes, and body work on vehicles, how to take apart, clean and reassemble a carb.  But I have come a very long way from those days, from the girl I was when I first met him, from the woman I was when I gave him a second chance.

     I am not someone he knows, or someone who has any place in his life, we walk very different roads and there is no place for him on the road I walk now.  I am not mad or angry or even curious about the message.  

     Life here is not what I ever dreamed I would be living many years ago but it is working well for me, I am aging and ok with that.  I am not well off, but I don't skip meals to pay the utility bill, and I don't have bill collectors hunting for me or the law looking for me.

     The house dog is making progress on manors and behavior issues, and knows I love him.  The people at work know I will show up on time and do my job, to the best of my ability and I have become a valuable member of Pleasant Plains Historical Society.  

      Ya, my little life here does just fine, and I do shut out anyone who will not add value, quality or would damage my little world.

  

Words, thoughts

My labor, meat packing plant job allows me a lot of thinking time, day dreams, lottery dreams, old house plans, financial issues and my life, the past and where I am now and where I would like to be.

Emotionally, mentally, I have come a very long ways since I was 17 or 28 or even 40.  I am more confident, have more sense of self value and will no longer be what others want me to be.

But it took a lot of mistakes, poor choices and being stupid to get to this place.  Not a road I would like anyone to walk, but I made it to here.  I am stable, my finances are not good but they are livable and will slowly get better.

I am staying single, and I am not dating, no time to waste on relationships I do not want or need.  This is my time, and I am running my life my way, not to suit someone else or meet their needs and wants.  The advantage of being self supporting and divorced with children grown is that i can make this choice and there is nothing wrong with my living my life for me and for what matters to me.

Enough of me, my time, my needs was set aside to meet the needs and wants of others for many years, my children, while they were growing up, the men I picked for relationships, even the friends, all seemed to end up on the top of any and all lists while I kept putting myself down at the bottom.

That does not happen now, if something or someone seems on the top of the list, it is because that suits me needs or wants, and I have solid reasons.

Clayville suits me, my wants and needs, so it gets up on that important list, a few humans matter enough to make my list, some of the time, as it suits me.  But I make the list, and I adjust it as I need or want to, my call and my reasons.

I work full time, hurt a lot but I work, that earns the money that pays my bills and buys me the stuff I have.  It is my stuff, to do what I want with, my house, my toys, my books and so forth.  And I can do what I want with those things, as it suits me.  I am working on some of that, so I don't have things I don't use that can be better used elsewhere, like the tiller going to Clayville.  And some things I want to gift where they will have value and meaning, like a couple Sasha dolls to a collector in our club and the inherited silver to my cousin, Rena, it is her maternal bloodline also and she will see they are treasured and valued where I really do not have anyone to hand them on to that will treasure and value them for the family/blood connection they have.

And I am going to enjoy my off work time with doing things that make me feel good about me, about life and make me happy or feel of value.  I have spent too much of my life not feeling of value or with people who told me I was not worth value or appreciate me.  That makes a very good reason to not date.

And I pray that all my children like their lives and the choices they make in those lives, they are all adults now, and can take care of themselves, be responsible for the choices they make and the results of those choices.  I did the best I knew how to be a parent, I know I did not always make the best or right choice, but I tried.  And that is all a person can do, try to do the best they can.  I can't be friends with all my children but I am ok with that, they have the right to choose who they want in their life and I have come to terms with not being close.  I cannot change the past, and I am not willing to be the whipping boy for things I didn't do, or poor choices made by others.  Nor will I beat myself up over someone deciding I just never were the mother they wanted.  

My daughter told me to get out of her life and stay out.  I discovered that works well for me, i do love her and wish her a good life, but I can live just fine with no contact.  And she can change that if she ever wants to, it was her choice, and anytime she wants to be in touch with me, I am easy to find.

My oldest son told me he has disowned me, and I am ok with that too.  He certainly has that right, and lives a long way from my small river town, and that works nicely here.  I hope his life is happy, that he is doing what he wants with his life, I know I am content and like my life here.

The other 2 sons manage to like and accept me for the person I am, and that works nicely, it also explains why I am closer to my younger sons than my older 2.  But they came when I was more stable, and they had more stable parenting, even after their dad and I divorced.  And my financial situation was more stable, so, yes, the life I could help provide those kids with was better.

And now, as I am close to turning 59, I am really ok with me and what I am doing with my life and I am looking at the future and liking that future, and am working to make it a stable one.

Mid-March madness

     Well, it is the middle of March already and it is warming up some, the trees are showing signs of springs and my silly daffies have buds coming up, to go with their frosted leaves.  I did get started with raking up the dog poo and winter debris, the flower beds all need a lot of work and the pampas grass needs cut down, I hope I can burn again this spring, once I have the grass down.

     And I did some moving things up in the attic, this year my air cond. unit will be on the south end so I have more and better set up sewing area.  The fabrics are still a disorganized mess, but my working space has improved some.  And I am sewing!

     Work is going ok, it looks like I will be staying on the trimming necks job, it is easier on my old body than what I was doing, I can come home bloody for less pain and less tired at the same pay.  My hand has healed up well, not perfect but it could have been a lot worse and several of us are far more careful about how and where those wizard knives are when not in use.

     The budget and finances are very, very tight right now but I can improve that with some very careful managing my spending.  It will improve as the medical bills get paid off and gone and as credit debt goes down.  I need to manage my impulse spending, and am working on that.  I know it is my head issues and I need to work on some of them but I am gaining.

   But NOT dating, not having a 'love/sex/whatever' thing is working well for me, both head wise and financial. And I am liking my life better and my home.  And doing what I want and enjoy with my off work time, that is a huge plus.  This is a step I should have taken many years ago, and I figured out many years ago I did not need a man to make my life complete, and could sure live without the sex.

     I think part was the social push to be in a relationship, like if you want to be normal, you need a relationship.  And I now am quite happy to be the abnormal person, at work, here where I live, this small old town, and in the world in general.  Plenty of people out there, those that want a relationship can surely go find one, I am not a part of that.

     I do not want to share my home, or my finances, or my toys, tools and treasures.  I do not need someone to 'meet my needs' and I am sure not willing to meet theirs.  Yes, my head is a bit screwed up and I have some issues and problems, but none of those keep me from earning a living, paying my bills, getting the trash out in a timely manor, cleaning up after myself and my pets.  I am not generally a danger to anyone else and certainly not to myself.  

     I don't have blue days as often or pity parties, I don't hate life or the world and my tiny flashes of green envy don't last long, and I sure would not trade my life, even with all the mistakes, poor choices, and other damage and garbage, for any one else's life.

     I am able to spend my off work time doing either what I need to do, what I want to do, or what my body needs me to do, and sometimes that means down and get little or nothing done after work.

Tend to my little place, my aging body, which, at times, means pushing past a bit of pain to keep all the  ability to move and do things I can.

     I love having a sewing space with 2 sewing machines set up to use, I don't have to change thread or settings on projects or can work on 2 different things, like piecing a quilt and sewing a doll outfit.  The goal is to someday be able to have at least 3 machines up and all on the same level, so it is easier to move from 1 to another.  And more possible to help someone learn a bit and still get something done I want to do at the same time.

     Now that it is warming up I need to get the wiring work done in the future bathroom space and get a sheet of drywall up there, the batt insulation can then go under the house for storage, and every sheet of drywall installed makes 1less to do and the house just a tiny bit more energy efficient, and I like that part too.  The lower the utility bill here is, the more paycheck that can pay down debt, cover my cost of living, allow a bit of play money.

     And today I will put the scooter battery on the charger and charge it up some.  It really needs replaced but if it will take some charge, I can always kick start the scooter.  It also needs a new, cheap Walmart milk crate because the last one died.  I need to remember to replace those every couple years as they sun damage and there is no way I will have a car port/garage/bike shelter any year soon.

     But the load of laundry is ready for the dryer, the sun is up, the light frost is almost gone outside and I have sewing waiting for me in my studio, which I love. So, refill my coffee cup and off to enjoy my Sunday.

the silly or foolish choices i make

I know my income is limited, that I have a lot of financial responsibility and now medical bills to pay on to go with all the other stuff.  And I do work on that making practical, good long term choices with my money and credit and with my life.

     But I ALSO make some foolish or stupid decisions and use my credit poorly, which is why I have so much credit debt and make so little progress getting it paid down, paid off and getting out of debt. I know progress on this old house goes far slower because of the credit debt and the dolls, but I STILL add to my doll collection and use credit to do that.

     So, now I have a doll head off to a face painting artist to redo her face, because I messed up her factory original paint, and I am talking a $600 doll, not something I picked up at WalMart.  And I have another of that very same doll in shipping to me, that I might keep or sell or trade, but I seem to have her named already in my head, so that does say something about me keeping her tidy and safe in her box and packing until I have her sold or traded.

     And I have another sewing machine coming, not a bad buy for Bernina, less than $100, inluding the shipping and I will get the Singer tidied up and put it up for sale, keeping my Berninas as I can swap feet about on them and they will allow me to move a project more easily from machine to machine with little or no difference in the stitching or seam widths.  

     I choose to cut out some of the things others have, like tv service, meals out, and movie rentals, trips I do not need to make, vacations away from home, but I will have my old house, my yarns, fabrics, sewing machines and my dolls.  

     There are some real solid reasons to not be dating, my finances and time are spent more to my liking and needs, my house gets better attention and I am much happier.  I dont want to argue, fight, or lie to some man about how I spend the money I earn or how much I have spent on a doll or yarns or fabrics.  I have hopped through hoops to please a man, or tried to be what they wanted me to be and that sure did not work well.

     So, now I live this little life here in this small, old river town, work in the local meat packing plant, live in an old house that had a lot of neglect and some poor choices in repair or improvements in the long past, and I have few friends here, and I like my life that way.  I tend to like the company of my dog, birds and dolls better than most humans.

     I am waiting for 2 dolls actually, 1 is a preorder and will come in the summer or early fall, but the one that will come soon is a duplicate of the one I should have NOT bought on Ebay 3 weekends ago but did as soon as I saw the BIN for the doll at a price, including shipping for less than the seller paid for the doll when she preordered her, many months ago.

     The extra dolls from that shipment went up for sale last Saturday, very limited in number and I had NO valid reason to even be checking on them.   But I signed in early, refreshed the page several times, put the doll in my cart, changed my mind, removed her, put her back in and paid for her.  All deliberate choices, and I cannot blame anyone or make excuses.  I did it while looking at the tan Izzy by Kaye Wiggs I just got and had made an outfit for, knowing what I was adding to my already debt load.

And no matter how many times I say that I will sell or trade her, that is not a sure thing and I know, in my small little head, I have her named.

  So, now I will soon be up to 3 Bernina sewing machines and still need a lot of drywall in my attic space, and have plenty of medical bills to make payments on, am on light duty due to an accident at work that has 26 stitches in the back of my left hand, so that helps cut my paycheck, I am on 36 hour weeks until I am released and back on my job on the kill floor.

     So, while on light duty, I spent $600 in credit on a doll I do not need and already own and on another sewing machine, and have paid $50 to have my big ger Bernina serviced and now have my Nova ther to pick up Saturday and a Bernette 430 that should be shipped and here by the end of next week.

     And to be honest, I am not depressed or worried about my actions and I am not going to try and excuse or justify them.  It is my life and it is my earnings and my problem, and I will get bills paid, and I will make the compromises I need to where and when I have to. I know some of the recent spending choices have not been wise or smart or financially sound, but it is, after all, my life and I am the only one living it.  So, I will deal with the cost of the choices, and admit I did not expect to win the 430 on eBay for the low amount I put as my maximum bid.  I will use it and be glad I have it and sell the Singer I picked up at an estate auction almost 2 years ago.

    And my state tax refund paid the cost of the artist painting my Izzy's face for me and I will make payments out of my savings named slush funds for the dolls I probably should not have bought but did anyway.  and life goes on, now to tell my son that there is a package coming that he might need to watch and sign for.

Done with taxes for this year

For the first time in more than 20 years I have not bought tax software and I am not doing taxes for any one else but I will lend a hand to my sons and a couple friends.

My federal return paid down some debt and let me get caught up on a few things, like groceries and household supplies.  My state return will be going on credit card debt, have way too much of that and buying dolls has not helped, but it is my money, my life and my problems if I over spend.

Right now I should be working on some doll quilts for a friend, she will be going to UFDC this year, as usual but I won't be going.  And she will attend a dessert, I am paying the fee for that and doing doll quilts for hostess gifts so she doesn't have to come up with something.  She is very busy with doll stuff for things she is involved with so I decided I could use up some fabrics and batting I have on hand and do small doll quilts for her.

I won a bid to an easier job in the plant than what I had been doing, have been training on it a week now and am making progress, but I need to be more firm with the women who are doing that job but do not own the job, I need to spend more time doing the job to learn it and not standing watching them, they would have me just stand and watch most of the shift if I was willing.  Today I had a watch in my pocket so kept track of time and made sure I did the job for anywhere from 30 minutes to over an hour at a stretch, they both are good at asking if I am tired after about 5 minutes.  I can not learn a job if I do not do the work, and I did win the bid and have the right to learn how to do the job, qualify on it and own it.

It has not been a really bad winter here but this month has been cold and windy and colder, so I have done plenty of whining.  But the house is comfortable most of the time, I can afford the heat bills and I am slowly working on the medical bills that my being so run down cost me, along with over a month off work with NO pay.

I will pay what I can on those medical bills but some of the debt comes first, as does groceries.  I do know that the medical bills need paid off as quickly as I can get it done, but it is just going to take months on some of them.  I am not willing to put every penny I can scrape up on those bills, I will not cut back on some things, and life will survive it.  But the sooner the medical bills are paid off, the happier I will be, I have no idea right now just how many separate accounts they are, the hospital up in Rushville has quite a few, that way they can charge me and my insurance more, but this will be the last time I see any doctors there or go there for any testing, it has added quite a bit more to what I end up paying and of course, cost my insurance more also.  I learned and I will not be sent there again.

But I do have a doll on preorder and I do have 1 I got from eBay that should arrive here Friday, if the tracking is correct.  And no clothes for her, but need to finish some other things before I play, commitments I made, that matter to me.  So,maybe I can fit a doll outfit in this weekend if I get busy tonight and tomorrow after work.

Making progress

So, now I have been back to work 3 weeks now, and it has been almost that long since I had a seizure/fit/episode so I am gaining on replacing minerals, iron and electrolytes.  And, most days I am not beat tired as I walk out of the plant.  We have been very hot on the harvest/kill floor, especially the past 2 days and I was shaky before the shift was done so had warm Gatorade before leaving.
The box of doll eyes, eye putty and 2 wig caps was here but not the expected box of yarn.  I think our local post office  holds some things for Saturday delivery so they can justify those hours and I would not be surprised if that is going on in many places.  The yarn shipping shows an expected delivery date of 2/5 or 2/6 and it was not coming from very far away, my new skin for the iPad was in Springfield postal system by Wednesday evening but has an expected delivery of Saturday.  Oh, well, not much I can do about what the post office does as long as things arrive safely and within reasonable time.
I am really liking not dating and not having phone calls from a man I don't have much to say to.  I know I am living a very spoiled, self indulgent, self centered life.  But, hey, I support myself and have for many years now, over 10, and I pay my bills, work full time, take care of my responsibilities so my time off work is MINE, and there is no law that makes me spend time with a man, or reason to do things with my free time to please someone else at my expense.
I did that often enough in the past and I am done with it. 
This week I don't have any play money so I will be content to do things at home and hope to get some sewing done for the dolls, some knitting done and my state taxes filed, now that I have the printer software installed in the laptop.  I have a few other chores that need done, like clean the bird cage, do laundry and some bathroom cleaning, but that still leaves me time to sew for my dolls.
I am still waiting for itemized bills from the local hospital for the medical testing done there but the checks are written out and figured out of the bank balance.  I just will not pay on the bills without getting an itemized bill so I know what I am paying for.  My work insurance has already paid their part.  I do expect to see more bills from Prairie Heart and will be making payments on that too.
But my federal tax refund did go to paying down credit debt, stocking up the kitchen cupboards and a few other things I needed or wanted. 
Last year taxes went to the survey and then the patio pour, along with paycheck funds and the money from selling the lot in MO. I hope to keep gaining on paying down debt load, on old house progress and building up savings, including my 4O1s.  I should be able to increase the Roth by 1% this weekend, that will add at least $280 more each year to what is already going in.
And i have a Kaye Wiggs doll on pre-order at Jpopdolls.  So, that is the remaining debt on the Barclay card, which started with my iPad, and was my Touch, the replacement since delivery guy stole the red Touch, my Rebel and my 2nd Nexus 7, the first one being given to Ben.
I think my life is really good, the granite is finally done, I did have a follow up call from Lowes and did make sure the guy was aware of the cabinet door issue so that matter is on a priority list.  I know I have a lot of woodwork/trim work to do but I will work on that as I have funds, bills first, support for the front/west side of the house so I can start working on supporting the porch roof and tearing out the crappy porch landing and support, replacing rotted out sill plate and rebuilding a porch so the roof can then be supported, the porch roof can get a metal roof and I will be closer to starting to tear off the old siding, repairs, insulation and heading towards something for siding.
Years and lots of money and lots of time, the house has had 10 + years and funds and that will continue, it i MY home, and I like it, life here works for me, and I plan to keep on working, on that old house and on the life I am living.     

Time to reassess my life and direction

I am on my third week back at work, the disability pay will finally be paid so I can start paying on the growing mountain of medical bills.
The winter is being milder than last winter, the kitchen renovation is still dragging on, the front/west will plate is rotting out, due to the front porch, so now I need to put support under the floor joists as soon as possible and then support outside for the porch roof and start tearing out the concrete and build a new porch, steps,replace roof support, it never ends here.
But I seem to like my life, and all the small parts that make up this quiet life.
The not dating is working well for me, like the time I have and what I am doing with it.  Less stress, more quality and I am where I want to be, at my home and not elsewhere.
Glad to have my taxes filed for the Federal, and will do the state on the first of February, have a list of where the funds go, most to debt, and the iPad goes off to Apple for a battery replacement.
Past my bedtime, another long and hard day at the pig plant tomorrow.

Long medical leave but finally back to work

And I did not enjoy the paperwork battles, and still have not gotten any disability pay but that paperwork hassle is making some progress.  I did get a clean bill of heart health, the arythmia which I can't even spell right, was not the problem, the grand mal seizure was the cause of the heart acting funny, and small petit mal seizures kept it dancing a bit.

And electrolites or rather the lack of them probably was a big contribution to the seizure stuff.

So, a lot of tests, lab work, time off work I really could not afford but at least now I have a better idea of what I need to keep balanced and will be sucking down gallons and gallons of Gateraid to help keep that electrolites in better balance.  

But I did get 3 quilts done, repaired, clean and on the blanket shelf, did some doll sewing and sold 1 outfit, started designing a sweater, doll sized and because I was suffering from sweater envy.  I am actually writing understandable directions, that could work into a pattern, and the sweater, with lovely braided cables, is getting close to done and should fit my Berdine Creedy doll.  I think the pattern will be easy for me to tweak to fit other dolls and to change the texturing stitches.  

The counters are here, it is great to have a working kitchen sink, and I did not upgrade that, but the one that came free with the granite is very nice.  The east wall back splash broke on the way into the house, the seams need sealed and the corner at the breaker box needs to be trimmed a bit so that door will open.  

But it is great to have a good, working kitchen finally and I am so glad I refinanced for enough to go with quality and very handicap friendly cabinets and the granite.  And base cabinets set at my comfort level is a real plus and worth the extra costs.

I am glad to be back at work, wish I had not been off work at all but some things just happen and then you find a way to deal with them.  I do have most of the work done to file my taxes, and it is waiting for the release of some energy credit form, which since i replaced a door and several windows with new and energy efficient ones will get me a bit more return if I wait for the form to be released.  The IRS is not accepting returns until 1/20 so I should have it by then and push the button for electronic filing.

The weather has improved some, above freezing now and the snow and ice have melted away, the patio needs swept as soon as it is dry, and I keep hoping Julie gets her fridge moved soon.

The truck is still hauling scraps of drywall around and might be until the city has clean up, and I will get rid of the old mattress and box spring then also.

Finances are not very good but should improve, I lack patience and get ticked off about the paperwork drag out, the lost wages, the fact that I didn't realize how depleted my body was getting until I was off work and catching up.

But I cannot change what has been done, so will live with it and work on getting life back onto the workable track that is my life, on my terms.

I know not dating is sure working well, as is staying home unless I have to go some place, work, what errands I have to do, home.  I have not even done breakfast at McDonalds for weeks and I am sure they are managing just fine.  I have money on my card for that but stayed home while I was off work on medical and now I just don't have the time or desire.  

Plus, I am working on keeping most of my life out of reach of the gossip mill and fools who have not much more to do with their lives than talk about other people.

I have far less tolerance for people and their issues, problems and so forth than I did several months ago, or several years ago.  So, I am not very friendly and my health issues are my business and not their concern, and I will manage just fine to take care of my medical issues and my old house projects and my work.

And I will play dolls, and read books, watch my choice of entertainment on my own tv and in my own house.

And I am telling people I do not know, who come to the house that, yes, the dog does bite, he has very good teeth, no, I do not need anyone to haul off the fridge, it belongs to a friend who really needs to get it moved, and no, I do not need the sink hauled off, I will take care of that myself, and yes, I do ride both those bikes, 1 is my summer ride to work and the other is my escape and freedom.

So, now, back to the book and the knitting and the yummy herbal tea.