Today I lost 1 of my sun conures, Sunny, to old age. The 3 all came to me as babies, Blue and Sunny were still needing hand fed, Feliz was the 1 I had to wait for an egg to hatch and the baby to make it past the 1st week. So, they grew up in my home and have always been 'my kids'. But they are old kids, all are over 18 years old now, that's very old for a Sun Conure, and pretty aged for a Quaker Parrot.
I found him crumpled up on the cage floor, early this morning, I did wrap him in a clean cloth napkin and got a tiny bit of water in him, and knew he was not hurt or sick, but just dying, old age and no young berries for parrots or people. He was comfortable, knew he was loved and died quietly, peacefully and now I grieve and wish I had got him more cinnamon graham crackers, and more Sunny Delight, his favorite food and drink.
For more than 18 years these 3 parrots have shared my life and home, they have been my companions through relationships failing, through jobs ending, moved with me 4 times and have coped with this old house and on-going renovations for 13+ years now. Most of their lives has been lived in this renovation nightmare, and they have been the why some days work did get done and why I worked hard to get back to work after that damn accident. Quality parrot food is not cheap, these are not cheap kids, their toys are not cheap and they have a rather pricey cage to live and play in.
For me, they have been the only constant living beings in my life, I have never lived with any human as long as I have these parrots, not with my birth parents, not with my grandparents, none of my kids and I lived together, continuously, for so long. And I sure have not been able to make any relationship last with any man anywhere close to as long as the Feathered kids and I have been a family. So, ya, it really hurts to loose this small, loud, food throwing child, who grew old while I kept them the kids in my mind.
I know he had a good parrot life with me, know he was a content parrot and will be missed by his cage mates and by me. And I am working on accepting that Feliz is almost the same age, there might be 2 months difference in their ages but not much more than that. I expect to outlive my parrots, which is far easier on them than if they outlived me but I'm sad an hurting.
Right now I want to believe, like a small child, that they have souls and Sunny is now flitting around all the awesome beauty of a very natural heaven, not buildings and streets of gold, but trees and fruits and a safe world where he can fly free, where there are people he can go bug and steal sips of Sunny Delight from, and get to rob popcorn and shredded wheat from. I don't want a heaven that doesn't have loud and happy parrots flitting about. And I don't want to think about living in a house that has no parrots or only 1 sad and lonely old parrot.
But Blue and Feliz will probably be my last parrots, and Shadow might be my last dog, it's very hard on pets when the owner dies and no one is there to want them and take them. And that is the reality of my life and my world. They have me and I have them and I know that's just where it is. Ben's still living here in Beardstown but has his own life and I rarely see him. He's not going to take my dog or parrots, and I will be lucky if he pet sits for my vacation.
My rather solitary and single life really does work for me, and I like it, but today, loosing Sunny, I know the drawbacks, there is no one to comfort me, and there are a very few people I would even accept any comfort from, 1 is in Mexico, and Ben is busy doing that living his life stuff... ya, very short list.
So, I did the laundry and it's dry, folded and in the house, and I buried my much loved Sunny, under the south kitchen window, and I cleaned the bird cage tray, which needed done today and I cleaned the floor below the cage, another chore that was on today's list. And I've hid in the studio, and worked on tweaking a doll pattern for a doll. And I've cried, time and time again, and I will do more of that crying, but I know Sunny didn't suffer, his death was a natural process of life, and hes buried without a box or wrap, so that his body returns to the earth, not from where he was born but this sandy little town where we have spent most of his life.
And I will heal, and miss him and know that Feliz will probably be leaving me before I retire from the plant, Quakers are longer lived, but Blue has never been the only parrot, I don't know how he will adjust if/when that happens. Another hill in life I will have to climb when I get there.
I don't live the life that many I work with do, and I'm ok with that, I live the life that works for me, and I know right now I am shutting people out, both in the real world and in cyber land, but I grieve alone, I tuck into my space/home/thoughts and mourn alone, and that's been how I've done it all my life, from small losses as a child to the big ones, I pull into myself and grieve and mourn alone. There is no sharing my pain, it's not an apple or an orange you can take and cut into pieces, it's a hurt inside that I just have to deal with, and think on and sort out and find a balance and acceptance of what I cannot change.
There are so many people whose lives are not as comfortable as mine is, as financially stable as mine is, or as mine can be, it is still an old house needing work but it's a warm house in the winter, and cool enough to be comfortable, for us, anyways, in the summer and there is always food, in fact these parrots have always had expensive parrot pellets that are healthy and abundant, Mom makes sure of that and good water and even a water dish big enough to bath in. We have a stable, safe and secure little world here in this old river town and this old house. I've worked to provide that, for myself, my pets, my sons, and am glad I have been able to.
This afternoon is a bit easier than this morning was, and I know tomorrow will be a little easier but I do understand why people with emotional problems and mental issues often cut themselves, there's that part of me that thinks if I can give myself physical pain, it might lessen the emotional pain that Sunny's dying has given me. I know it will not, and I am not going to deliberately hurt myself, if I even stub a toe, it will be an accident. But, today, I really do 'get it' as to why people start doing that.
I will stick with playing with my dolls and my knitting, it works for me and I know that no physical pain will ease the grief that Sunny dying has caused, not his fault, just part of caring for anything, especially anything living.
Saturday, July 28, 2018
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Dealing with life and other humans
Most of the time I think my life is ok, that I have managed to achieve a good balance and most importantly, peace of mind and like who I am and how I live my life. I made a job change in plant and that has been positive. Less stress, less physically taxing and I work with 3 really great women.
I am finally living alone, except for parrots and Shadow, which works well. I still have a lot of work here on this old house that needs done and a lot of putting my stuff in order, getting rid of a few things and making my spaces work for me, and making my sewing studio more orderly and usable.
Finances get really tight but I know that is my problem and I can resolve it and I do, not always as fast as I would like but at least it's my problem and not caused by someone else. I have had plenty of that in the past and am very glad to not have some man sucking me dry, either financially or emotionally.
I still procrastinate too many things and I am working on some of that, and on getting more tidy, in my bedroom and the kitchen mainly, at least for now. And I still do not like conflict or dealing with people issues.
Single and no romantic, emotional involvements with any man works for me, and despite the pushing I feel from a guy I once was intimate with, I am NOT going down that road. How he feels, or says he feels is not my problem and is not going to manipulate my personal time and what I do with my life, or how I feel about anyone.
There is nothing wrong with me staying single, with me not having a love interest and with me wanting my time off work for my living, and for what I want to do and what I need to do. I am not willing to make any efforts to have much of a relationship with a man, they just are not that necessary in my life. And I sure do not want 1 in my bed or mauling my body. I just do not need or want that and I do not have to subject myself to it.
I did sell the much loved Rebel but also bought a used Vespa GTS that will work far better for me in the long run, and that is part of the financial bind I have put myself in, cost of plates, title and additional insurance costs. The LXV got a new tire, another financial ouch, and the rides both had oil changes and the GTS also got brake fluid changed, hub oil changed and since it has liquid cooled, that fluid also was changed. Add in the parts costs for a USB outlet in the glove box so I can charge my cell phone, ya, I managed to really make my savings dwindle and my grocery budget non-existent, at least for right now.
But I have vacation coming soon and am going to Michigan Fiber Festival and going Alone! No, I am not taking that guy pal, although he wants to go and we have discussed it, but that was before his pace maker was replaced, with some surgical issues, like very low blood pressure, so low they could not safely put him under to do the surgery and that the weather and heat/humidity can be very high up in Allegan Michigan during August, there is very limited shelter for people with health issues up at those county fair grounds and I have NO desire to spend any of my very long planned for vacation and classes at the Fiber Festival complicated by someone else's health issue and I do not want to worry about them or have to deal with anyone for the amount of time I will be gone.
Jake has moved back to Colorado, first he helped his dad, Sam, move back there and then moved himself, and I hope life there works for him, and he finds his direction and is happy. I know I don't have the answers for him and I love my youngest son, but he adds stress and complications to my world and helps Shadow be a problem dog. Not what that dog needs, not what I need and Jake does not want a long term life here in central Illinois.
I did Ancestry DNA test and have been chasing down those 'dead bodies' to fill in that family tree stuff, and have found a lot of good and solid people on my father's side. Growing up and hearing nothing but negative things about that man and his family, it has been good for my 'head' to find some really good people were his ancestors, people every bit as worthwhile as Grandma's Littlefield line.
And I am finding my Grandpa Noel's family, and so many, many ancestors. I have Dutch Reformation, Quakers, Mennonites, Baptists, Methodists, Catholics and that list of church and religious affiliations will probably grow. I have now 4 different people at least, that served in the Revolutionary War, and some immigrants. Of course, all my ancestors came from some immigrants, I don't think there is any Native Americans in my tree, but it seems a lot of my DNA got here before this nation was founded and that has surprised me. I knew Littlefields came here in 1638, but I had expected to find that more ancestors came here after that little war of Independence.
And it's time to shut things down, get some stuff ready for the morning and back to work, I am not going to let that silly old man's anything make waves in my pond, he is not my entertainment job, and he's not going to become my child to take care of, or gain any of what he wants out of me. I just do not like his campground where he now has his camper, I don't want to watch tv at his house, hell, I don't want to watch tv, I am not wanting to have him keep me company on my vacation time and I don't want to chat on line with him any amount...got stuff I would rather be doing.
I am finally living alone, except for parrots and Shadow, which works well. I still have a lot of work here on this old house that needs done and a lot of putting my stuff in order, getting rid of a few things and making my spaces work for me, and making my sewing studio more orderly and usable.
Finances get really tight but I know that is my problem and I can resolve it and I do, not always as fast as I would like but at least it's my problem and not caused by someone else. I have had plenty of that in the past and am very glad to not have some man sucking me dry, either financially or emotionally.
I still procrastinate too many things and I am working on some of that, and on getting more tidy, in my bedroom and the kitchen mainly, at least for now. And I still do not like conflict or dealing with people issues.
Single and no romantic, emotional involvements with any man works for me, and despite the pushing I feel from a guy I once was intimate with, I am NOT going down that road. How he feels, or says he feels is not my problem and is not going to manipulate my personal time and what I do with my life, or how I feel about anyone.
There is nothing wrong with me staying single, with me not having a love interest and with me wanting my time off work for my living, and for what I want to do and what I need to do. I am not willing to make any efforts to have much of a relationship with a man, they just are not that necessary in my life. And I sure do not want 1 in my bed or mauling my body. I just do not need or want that and I do not have to subject myself to it.
I did sell the much loved Rebel but also bought a used Vespa GTS that will work far better for me in the long run, and that is part of the financial bind I have put myself in, cost of plates, title and additional insurance costs. The LXV got a new tire, another financial ouch, and the rides both had oil changes and the GTS also got brake fluid changed, hub oil changed and since it has liquid cooled, that fluid also was changed. Add in the parts costs for a USB outlet in the glove box so I can charge my cell phone, ya, I managed to really make my savings dwindle and my grocery budget non-existent, at least for right now.
But I have vacation coming soon and am going to Michigan Fiber Festival and going Alone! No, I am not taking that guy pal, although he wants to go and we have discussed it, but that was before his pace maker was replaced, with some surgical issues, like very low blood pressure, so low they could not safely put him under to do the surgery and that the weather and heat/humidity can be very high up in Allegan Michigan during August, there is very limited shelter for people with health issues up at those county fair grounds and I have NO desire to spend any of my very long planned for vacation and classes at the Fiber Festival complicated by someone else's health issue and I do not want to worry about them or have to deal with anyone for the amount of time I will be gone.
Jake has moved back to Colorado, first he helped his dad, Sam, move back there and then moved himself, and I hope life there works for him, and he finds his direction and is happy. I know I don't have the answers for him and I love my youngest son, but he adds stress and complications to my world and helps Shadow be a problem dog. Not what that dog needs, not what I need and Jake does not want a long term life here in central Illinois.
I did Ancestry DNA test and have been chasing down those 'dead bodies' to fill in that family tree stuff, and have found a lot of good and solid people on my father's side. Growing up and hearing nothing but negative things about that man and his family, it has been good for my 'head' to find some really good people were his ancestors, people every bit as worthwhile as Grandma's Littlefield line.
And I am finding my Grandpa Noel's family, and so many, many ancestors. I have Dutch Reformation, Quakers, Mennonites, Baptists, Methodists, Catholics and that list of church and religious affiliations will probably grow. I have now 4 different people at least, that served in the Revolutionary War, and some immigrants. Of course, all my ancestors came from some immigrants, I don't think there is any Native Americans in my tree, but it seems a lot of my DNA got here before this nation was founded and that has surprised me. I knew Littlefields came here in 1638, but I had expected to find that more ancestors came here after that little war of Independence.
And it's time to shut things down, get some stuff ready for the morning and back to work, I am not going to let that silly old man's anything make waves in my pond, he is not my entertainment job, and he's not going to become my child to take care of, or gain any of what he wants out of me. I just do not like his campground where he now has his camper, I don't want to watch tv at his house, hell, I don't want to watch tv, I am not wanting to have him keep me company on my vacation time and I don't want to chat on line with him any amount...got stuff I would rather be doing.
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