Rains and then more rains

     Well, things are growing well, and it is challenging to weed at Clayville.org due to wet ground, the lawn here gets mowed as I can get to it, Monday after work and needs it again already.  But a metal roof keeps my home dry, my attic space is making very slow progress but I manage to use and enjoy my attic area.

     Work is going ok, about 39 hours a week right now, sometimes a bit more and I am making progress, slow, but still progress paying down the medical bills and making a tiny dent in the credit debt.  Life has a good balance for me, most of the time and I refuse to let much rock my little world.

     I did sell 1 of the tan Izzy dolls, she shipped out Thursday and should be received tomorrow/Saturday.  The funds paid for another Wiggs doll I won on eBay, a pants pattern for SD size dolls, a wig for the coming Gracie doll and a payment on credit debt so that worked nicely for me. 

     I am watching another Wiggs doll, the same sculpt as the one I won but I think the face up is about the ugliest I have seen yet.  This is at least the 3rd time I have seen this very ugly and overpriced doll up for sale.  The sculpt is a lovely face, face painting can take a face from nice to amazing or take a lovely face and turn it ugly, and no upper eye lashes really helps that ugly out.

     And I am sewing, working on pants, a pattern I have had for ages that will fit the dolls I finally own.. I made the cap this week and think it went well but need shank buttons for the top where the crown pieces all meet up.  Right now I have knickers ready for the leg bands to be hand finished, turn them right side to and put fasteners on and see how they fit.  I want to tweak this pattern to fit the 3 different Wiggs dolls I have.  The shirts, vest, jacket and cap need little or no changes but the waist and hips and leg length go from a 43 cm doll to 45 to 53.  If it stays wet this weekend I will be glad for a project to keep me entertained.

     Well, past bedtime, way past my bedtime.

Walking through the past in my mind

Been doing some of that recently and will admit Sam going back to the Phillipines again is part of the why.  His wife is buried there, he did so much more to make that marriage work and to make her happy than he ever did in ours.  

No, I am not jealous, hurt, yes, some, and puzzled as I saw how she treated him, at times.  Physical and verbal abuse, financial ruin, shattered dreams, but she was of far more value to him than I ever was.  This does not make me less of a person, but I am puzzled as to the why.

I work hard here to have a life that I am content with, my life, my own way, solitary, because that works best for me.  

I refuse to see myself as a failure, and refuse to let my past determine my future or my worth.  But there are times I walk through memories and become sad, and times I am angry, but that never lasts long, the sad lasts longer.  But not lonely, I don't feel lonely or needing another human to fill any space or make me of more value.

I just do not understand humans, I know I am also human but the species puzzles me, makes me feel I am not really a part of them, and that I don't want to be, not if I have to be like them, think and act like them.  And I don't think we are getting to be nicer beings, or kinder, or take better care of our small planet.  I cannot change others, so I will be content with working on me, and on liking who I am and on liking this small and quiet life I am living.

I don't envy many others and never for very long, don't envy Sam being able to afford his trip to the Phillipines, or LuAnn and Randy with their trip to UK, and I hope that Sam finds what he is looking for, or does what ever it is that he needs to do.  And I sure do not want him sad, or lonely or in my life.

I built my life around him and his wants and needs, once, and he knew it and used it and walked all over me, until there was nothing much left of me, for him and for my then very young sons.

It has been 21 years now, since we separated and divorced, long years, some of them rough, hard, but I put me back together, different person that I was before I met him, but stronger and smarter and more sure of what I need, who I am and how to make my life work so I keep liking who I am.

So, some days I get a bit sad, a little puzzled, but I get through it, might not figure out some of that puzzle but do work through enough that it no longer makes waves in my emotional pond, and my world is stable and I am at peace again.