It’s going to be cold here, and work is long hours and cold. I’m on the head table or pate meat more often than the job I own, shortage’s of humans but not as bad as last winter was. My aging body is not impressed with our almost 10 hour days, we are at least 20-30 minutes over that 9.5 hour days we were supposed to be working with the new schedule. I can’t change it so I am making practical use of the extra $ and more is going to savings and more is going to pay down debt load.
It’s been over 17 years now since Miguel returned to Mexico and his family and life there. My emotional heart still is still missing him but my brains know we made the correct choice, and I have worked to make my life here work, to continue working at this plant, to continue repairs and improvements on this old house.
He has many family members who are working in our plant, and we talk now, that’s a change from when he left and the lies and deceptions rocked my world. But all these years I have imagined his life back home, the farm he loved and missed all the time living here in the USA, and his children, his parents and the family members still living in the area.
My dreams and imagination apparently is not his actual reality if 1 of his cousin’s comments yesterday are accurate, he mentioned drinking problems and a lot of what I am thinking could be arthritis, very painful legs limiting his mobility and depression. He asked me about going down to visit and I explained just how wrong that would be for me. We have had no contact for 16+ years and I have no right to invade his life and his corner of the planet. And I think the cousin understands that without Miguel contacting me, I would be very much in the wrong to just show up there, or even to write him.
We lived here together, this address hasn’t changed, I told cousin Joel he could tell Miguel that I would be glad to get a postcard from him and would write him a letter if I received a postcard. I think he does understand the why it’s not acceptable, it would be wrong, an invasion of his life without Miguel himself inviting me. That even to contact him would be wrong. Old values, old ethics, old social rights and wrongs.
But if invited to write, I would send him letters and even photos of this old house and of what has changed, not only with the house but with this town and the plant. I miss him, we were lovers, and we were friends, partners and pals.
That kitchen range we spent several months looking and comparing to make the best ‘for life’ decisions on that appliance is now sitting outside and will move to my son’s place when he can get that done. My new electric range is in place, part of the needed wiring upgrade is done and I now have the parts to finish the job, the cold outside part will not be fun but it’s not a huge job.
He would like the solar panels and the expansion up under that steep roof and the metal roof. And that very solid new foundation for the east 1/2 of the house would please him, but I don’t think he would feel comfortable working down in the utility space, but he wouldn’t be so worried about the house falling in on him. And I bet that tankless water heater and hot showers for as long as he wanted would have him grinning big.
It’s finally time to start the exterior work, he’s like that and I hope for an enclosed sun space on the front/west, he would probably try to claim part or all of that on sunny winter days, but then, me and the cats now living here will love whatever I am able to have built.
My/our $14,000 filthy renovation nightmare is on its 3rd mortgage and that’s getting paid off today, once the bank is open. There’s still so much more to be done, from small nickel and dime stuff to some big, needs financing stuff. But a few months this winter with no mortgage to pay and the long hours at the plant will help me pay down some of that debt load faster. As will the tax refund, and yes, I do start thinking about that this time every year and yes, by Christmas or New Year, at the latest, I have some rough figuring done and yes, I still deliberately overpay my federal and state income taxes.
And, yes, despite the issues and problems and ‘everything’ my life works well, I am content and glad I have this life, glad I have some great memories of about 5 years with that man who now lives down in rural Mexico. And he/his life will always be in my prayers that it’s good and he’s healthy and happy. Because, for the most part, I have that, so, ya, I want that for those I care about.
