And dealing with some of my family and their problems/issues drags me into restless activity, nightmares instead of quality sleep and being careless with my credit. And a lot of talking to myself, the dog, parrots, the dolls, the knitting, the walls. . . that sort of head balancing stuff.
The fact is my grandparents did the best they could to raise 3 grandkids and did better than our mother would have done and far better than our father was capable of doing. Yes, they made some really stupid things, but not out of malice or wanting me or any of us to have problems with life.
But it's my life, once I left home, it became my responsibility to live, to make choices, to work out the problems with my decisions and some times to figure out why I made some of the decisions I was making that were not good, healthy or smart choices so that I could do a better job with those choices and with the direction they took my walk in life.
I tried to do the best I could with raising my kids, it's not an easy job some times but I wanted to give them better guidance than I got, better able to know the doors were there and they could work towards and for anything they wanted their lives to be. As they grew and as I saw choices they made were not good for a long term direction or life, I tried to tell or help them see why that was not a good choice.
I want all my children and their children to have lives they like, to make decisions they are ok with living with, and to accept the results of those choices or do the work to change things if it does not work.
Right now my oldest granddaughter seems to have a huge mess in her life, and she's actually the one who has the most responsibility for that mess, her actions or lack of has caused the heartache and misery that she is now dealing with. I want to jump in and do what I can to 'fix' things for her, to help her out but I know that I would be just as well off to take money out of the bank and set it on fire.
And I know that some of my adding to credit debt with things I don't need is my subconscious way of having my finances so I can't afford to help her out in much of any way financially. It did take me some time to sort that out, but it's my way of avoiding rather than facing things.
My daughter told me more than once that I was not willing to just tell her 'no' but I avoided or put off or went around and she was right. Telling her 'no' usually ended up with her throwing raving temper tantrums, hounding and harassing me and saying and doing all she could to make me miserable. And this sort of reaction to being told no was why I found ways to not have to say that word to her. She would cry and scream and yell until she was sick and throwing up, and it worked well, I gave in and gave in and I walked around her jealousy and bad temper and gave in to her over and over. No, we did not have a healthy relationship and we have both paid a high price for that.
Now, I'm working on a healthy life and being mentally healthy too and that does mean keeping my finances in manageable condition, my bills paid on time, food in my house and gas in my vehicles and all that stuff.
I have worked hard for this life here and to like who I am, to have some financial stability and good credit and I am not going to be drilling holes in my own boat, not for anyone and not to hide from anyone. I will put up that wall, move my heart into that 'magic bubble' I mentally created when I was a child and needed a safe place.
And I will accept that it's not my job to fix this mess.
