I get so vexed and stressed fast now, know that will be a problem with work if I don't start dealing with it now. I have so little control over things now, or so it feels, my whole life seems to have slipped out of my grasp.
Patience and I have always battled, I can sit and cane a chair for hours, can knit for hours, it helpes me control me, but that does not do all the other things I just cannot put my hands on and work my way.
State Farm doesn't have my lost wages check yet, agent is out of the office and was out yesterday, another agent could do it but I can wait until Monday and I am going to wait until Monday. Things are not always on my time schedule and making myself wait helps me with that not having it on my schedule but making my schedule work with what makes the most practical sense and works for others.
Letting go of the new bike really makes waves in my head, it's another one of those things I have to accept giving up because of this accident. And at times the price is so bloody damn high, and I know the rest of my life I will pay over and over because 1 man was in a big hurry and pulled into the west bound lane to pass several cars when the traffic conditions were unsafe.
He is very dead, and I am still alive, he had very good insurance, I had no pre-existing medical conditions that this accident aggrivated, all my mobility issues are because of this accident.
So, there will, in time, be a really good settlement, all those medical bills paid, Ben will be paid for the time he spent taking care of me when I was unable to care for myself, for the mowing he did when I was unable to mow my own lawn. And the cash settlement that will, in time, be paid to me will change a lot of things in my life, financially.
But it will never give me back the balance I used to have, the ability to roller skate, to dance, to work on roofs, to go up and down stairs easily. I won't ever run again and I can't ride a bike very easily. I'm getting used to some pain all the time, have to think about it to decide if I hurt more than 'normal' or not.
God has really taken good care of me, my life is rich with blessings and I do know and appreciate that, but walking my dog is a hard and pain filled walk that I force myself to do, knowing it's good for the dog and for me. Knowing walking now will make those first days at work just a bit easier.
And I used to go skipping into the plant, filled with joy, and I want ALL of that back and am afraid I have lost most of it and might loose all of it. I am afraid I will not be able to keep my job and all the wonderful benefits that come with it and the way it makes me feel about me. That most of all, it makes me feel worthwhile and valuable and important.
If I can't work, I don't know where I will find value in the person I will then be--disabled, at 54, will I look in my mirror and see a disabled cripple? Or will I find myself a new image?
That life roadmap is still mangled pieces I can't find a way to re-assemble and that too scares me.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Strange Dreams
Sunday night I dreamed about a baby camel that was dying of thirst and a UPS? van went and parked in my way when I was trying to pack water to the baby camel. Now, why I dreamed about a baby camel here in my back yard I have NO idea, or why I didn't just use the hose and water tap. I have 3 outside, no freeze taps, and hoses...Kid woke me up and so I don't know what happened. And I sure don't understand that dream.
Last night's dream was that 20+ acres I hope to own and planting trees and watching the house start up. And I still can't see that floor plan so guess I better play with my rough plans again. I have decided I need a library area that can display dolls and have a lot of the books and something that can easily turn into sleeping space for a guest.
The skies are blue, I hope to get started on caning that chair today while it's nice, it's a job that works best outside as it's a wet job.
Love the striped sweater and need to wash and block it, it's getting time to seriously think about buying a sweater board for blocking/drying my sweaters on. I own 3 good hand knit sweaters and this last 1 has to be hand washed and dryed. The blue one should be, but the pink Gansey is very machine washable and dryable. I love that Regia silk blend sock yarn and want enough in fingering wt to knit another sweater. The sport weight one is great but heavy sweater, would be nice to have one in a lighter weight.
Kid is busy this morning and I need to take us for a walk, it's been too many days that I have not walked us.
I think the foot is about as healed up as it will get, and I hope the foot and I do well at Cargill, that State FArm and I can get things settled by early in the coming year. That I can have that piece of land I want and build a good, solid, handicapped planned house and plant my trees and flowers and build my life into something worth having.
Last night's dream was that 20+ acres I hope to own and planting trees and watching the house start up. And I still can't see that floor plan so guess I better play with my rough plans again. I have decided I need a library area that can display dolls and have a lot of the books and something that can easily turn into sleeping space for a guest.
The skies are blue, I hope to get started on caning that chair today while it's nice, it's a job that works best outside as it's a wet job.
Love the striped sweater and need to wash and block it, it's getting time to seriously think about buying a sweater board for blocking/drying my sweaters on. I own 3 good hand knit sweaters and this last 1 has to be hand washed and dryed. The blue one should be, but the pink Gansey is very machine washable and dryable. I love that Regia silk blend sock yarn and want enough in fingering wt to knit another sweater. The sport weight one is great but heavy sweater, would be nice to have one in a lighter weight.
Kid is busy this morning and I need to take us for a walk, it's been too many days that I have not walked us.
I think the foot is about as healed up as it will get, and I hope the foot and I do well at Cargill, that State FArm and I can get things settled by early in the coming year. That I can have that piece of land I want and build a good, solid, handicapped planned house and plant my trees and flowers and build my life into something worth having.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Rains and phone calls
It's gray and we've had light rains but not enough to wake me with water dripping on my head, I did move the bed out, just in case. Jake called around 4 am, long line waiting to call home so he couldn't talk long, he's ok, glad laptop got here and said the power cord was stolen so I now can safely order 1 and not find the original showing up in the mail.
Thnat man sent me an e-mail, he's reading the other blog, don't think he can easily find this one, I hope not, I want someplace I can write freely and express myself freely and so now have a 2nd blog. I just do better with a keyboard now than a pen and journal.
He says he took care of the capital gains taxes when the salvage yard was sold, he says he will take care of his income taxes, says he never set out to decieve me, and will deal with the mortgage and foreclosure. OK, ok, ya, ya.
But that does not change the facts, he and Annette went from financially stable to poverty and deep in debt, that he did not re-invest that money from the sold business that made his living into something that would make him a living again. And that a very overpriced and poorly designed house was built and that mortgage that he was clearly on, he very clearly lied to me about being on.
I can honestly say I miss the phone conversations with him, and putting him out of my life was not an easy choice but it was the long term smart choice, both financially and emotionally. He and I do not see or handle financal matters the same, our priorities are different, and what we want or see for the future are far different.
I cannot see a reason to try and continue any sort of 'friendship' with him. I don't have a lot of friends, by my own choice, and I do not need a lot of men friends, or I can say I have enough good solid ones that are here.
The trust and believe in him as someone I could build something with is gone, and I don't want him to decieve himself or anyone else into thinking we might have a future together. He did not 'blow' that, his financial management was something that was 'lurking' in the back and would have come to the surface sometime, it's better for me that it happened as quickly as it did.
So, the basic foundation materials were not there for me to be able to build a long term and committed relationship with that man. I am, at 54, not willing to take on someone with that much debt load, that long history of financial/life management and health management that is so far different from how I do such things.
I am not going to change who I am and I am not going to ever be 'ok' with such a huge difference in things that matter to me. I just am not willing to help support and provide for a man who has not taken care of himself and his financial matters for his own future and life. He has had more oppertunity to have built a solid base, more oppertunity to have some security for his later years but has not. He took vacations and did that cruise ship thing more than once but neglected to invest some money into his own health and dental care.
I have had some vacations, doll conventions but my financial stability was first and taking care of my body, keeping it healthy has always been something I have done. I have lived far more stable than he has, although he has earned more than me, has had the ability to earn more than me.
We make very different choices with a lot of things. I admit I have major security issues and trust issues, I will not trust anyone when it comes to finances, I want proof and I want paperwork, finances are business. I will not put my long term security and life in the hands of someone else, it's my responsibility to ensure my future, not theirs, and my job to take care of, make the decisions for that life and also decide it's direction.
I did put the e-mail in a file but I am not going to answer it. I need to walk away, and I have done that, I need to keep him out of my life and I will continue to do that. I do now know that we have no future together, I am not sure we could have ever made it work when we were young. There is no turning back time, the years have gone and I am moving foreward with my life in the directions it needs to go.
Thnat man sent me an e-mail, he's reading the other blog, don't think he can easily find this one, I hope not, I want someplace I can write freely and express myself freely and so now have a 2nd blog. I just do better with a keyboard now than a pen and journal.
He says he took care of the capital gains taxes when the salvage yard was sold, he says he will take care of his income taxes, says he never set out to decieve me, and will deal with the mortgage and foreclosure. OK, ok, ya, ya.
But that does not change the facts, he and Annette went from financially stable to poverty and deep in debt, that he did not re-invest that money from the sold business that made his living into something that would make him a living again. And that a very overpriced and poorly designed house was built and that mortgage that he was clearly on, he very clearly lied to me about being on.
I can honestly say I miss the phone conversations with him, and putting him out of my life was not an easy choice but it was the long term smart choice, both financially and emotionally. He and I do not see or handle financal matters the same, our priorities are different, and what we want or see for the future are far different.
I cannot see a reason to try and continue any sort of 'friendship' with him. I don't have a lot of friends, by my own choice, and I do not need a lot of men friends, or I can say I have enough good solid ones that are here.
The trust and believe in him as someone I could build something with is gone, and I don't want him to decieve himself or anyone else into thinking we might have a future together. He did not 'blow' that, his financial management was something that was 'lurking' in the back and would have come to the surface sometime, it's better for me that it happened as quickly as it did.
So, the basic foundation materials were not there for me to be able to build a long term and committed relationship with that man. I am, at 54, not willing to take on someone with that much debt load, that long history of financial/life management and health management that is so far different from how I do such things.
I am not going to change who I am and I am not going to ever be 'ok' with such a huge difference in things that matter to me. I just am not willing to help support and provide for a man who has not taken care of himself and his financial matters for his own future and life. He has had more oppertunity to have built a solid base, more oppertunity to have some security for his later years but has not. He took vacations and did that cruise ship thing more than once but neglected to invest some money into his own health and dental care.
I have had some vacations, doll conventions but my financial stability was first and taking care of my body, keeping it healthy has always been something I have done. I have lived far more stable than he has, although he has earned more than me, has had the ability to earn more than me.
We make very different choices with a lot of things. I admit I have major security issues and trust issues, I will not trust anyone when it comes to finances, I want proof and I want paperwork, finances are business. I will not put my long term security and life in the hands of someone else, it's my responsibility to ensure my future, not theirs, and my job to take care of, make the decisions for that life and also decide it's direction.
I did put the e-mail in a file but I am not going to answer it. I need to walk away, and I have done that, I need to keep him out of my life and I will continue to do that. I do now know that we have no future together, I am not sure we could have ever made it work when we were young. There is no turning back time, the years have gone and I am moving foreward with my life in the directions it needs to go.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
A new month, a new attitude???
I am going to work on some attitude improvement, some more patience with my body and it's healing, less with my #2 son who really needs to do more than camp out in my living room and play games and sleep or go play with his gal pal. I told him he gets a 30 day move out notice when he was here today.
I am going to push myself to do more on the neglected sewing and knitting projects, and see if I can get some things done and out of the way. I have the new chair ready to cane, and am waiting for the cane to get here.
I do have most of the paperwork I need to get done ready for State Farm, shoes and sweater replacement stuff and started 1 for all the trips to the doctor, that 1 I will not print out yet as I will have probably at least 1 or 2 more visits to Dr. Mulshine before being released to work.
I have a lot of concerns about my foot tolerating the work load, Right now I think the odds of my foot making the work load is about 50-75% and that discourages me. But I do know the foot has come a long way, the pain has dropped a lot, the swelling issues are also less so there has been huge progress. And I could be dealing with far worse injuries.
I am making progress on keeping the budget tighter and better in balance, and in making sure I get the groceries bought and in cooking meals and keeping me fed in a timely mannor. I still have bouts of depression or anger, but not as often or as long lasting. I am trying to not be discouraged at what I haven't gotten done on this house, on my debt load, in my garden in the past 8 months.
I have done what I could, have not slacked off very much, and at times have pushed my foot very hard, there is no way I could have gotten the north bathroom window changed out but I could have kept a tighter rein on my finances and had less credit debt by now. I have spent too much on dolls and other not necessary things.
The trips out west were also added money and credit spent that might or might not been the wisest decisions but I got to know a lot, see a lot and then made some better decisions long term because of those long conversations. Ones that will protect my financial stability long term so the cost balances out well for me.
I'm glad Kid has come into my life, and do not begrudge the costs or the fact that he just romped on my damaged foot. He doesn't know and he is doing well for a young pup, a very big, young pup.
And some day I will not be living in a house with a roof that leaks on my head.
I am going to push myself to do more on the neglected sewing and knitting projects, and see if I can get some things done and out of the way. I have the new chair ready to cane, and am waiting for the cane to get here.
I do have most of the paperwork I need to get done ready for State Farm, shoes and sweater replacement stuff and started 1 for all the trips to the doctor, that 1 I will not print out yet as I will have probably at least 1 or 2 more visits to Dr. Mulshine before being released to work.
I have a lot of concerns about my foot tolerating the work load, Right now I think the odds of my foot making the work load is about 50-75% and that discourages me. But I do know the foot has come a long way, the pain has dropped a lot, the swelling issues are also less so there has been huge progress. And I could be dealing with far worse injuries.
I am making progress on keeping the budget tighter and better in balance, and in making sure I get the groceries bought and in cooking meals and keeping me fed in a timely mannor. I still have bouts of depression or anger, but not as often or as long lasting. I am trying to not be discouraged at what I haven't gotten done on this house, on my debt load, in my garden in the past 8 months.
I have done what I could, have not slacked off very much, and at times have pushed my foot very hard, there is no way I could have gotten the north bathroom window changed out but I could have kept a tighter rein on my finances and had less credit debt by now. I have spent too much on dolls and other not necessary things.
The trips out west were also added money and credit spent that might or might not been the wisest decisions but I got to know a lot, see a lot and then made some better decisions long term because of those long conversations. Ones that will protect my financial stability long term so the cost balances out well for me.
I'm glad Kid has come into my life, and do not begrudge the costs or the fact that he just romped on my damaged foot. He doesn't know and he is doing well for a young pup, a very big, young pup.
And some day I will not be living in a house with a roof that leaks on my head.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)