Open, empty back lawn

Jake and Darcy helped me with clean up and burning the yard waste Sunday, now my back lawn/ yard looks so open and empty.  With the pampas grass cut down I have no privacy from the street and alley, the grass had not yet greened up, the day lilies are slow to show up this year so it is a big empty space with no privacy.

In time I will have it fenced and that will help some in the spring and I know it won't be long before things green up and start to grow.  It just take time and warmer weather.

Work is going ok but coming home is not.  Jake living here is livable but his girlfriend staying here most of the time is not.  Talking calmly to Jake about it has not changed things, I like her but I do not want her staying here all the time.  I don't even want her here every weekend.  Or all week and back at her parents on weekends.  I like it best when I am the only human living here, I tolerate Jake living here but know it is short term and he tends to leave me alone, does not chatter at me when I come in from work.

I will not be run out but I admit to hiding upstairs and being not happy about it.  I want my house back, I want no young women staying here most of the time and I want to get up to quiet, I want to come home to quiet, and I want people to go home where they belong.  It they do not want to live at home, then they can go work enough hours to pay rent and get their own place.  Not occupy my home, not make me feel crowded in my own place.

Humans, please go find your own place, nicely, quietly, please just go and leave me to my little old house alone, birds and dog may stay.

Winding down, a long day

But work was over 8 hours, good for that paycheck that will be short 2 days. And I have the batteries back in the Rebel and the scooter and took the scooter to get dog food.

Shadow has been working on pushing to see just how bad he can be and still live.  This dog has a lot of growing pains, as he grows, we have the pains and today he was pushing hard to see just how bad he could be.  Out of the yard and not come to me, jump up on me at the table, he is taking stuff from the table when we are out of the kitchen, found my new tube of Carmex on the living room floor. He has also deliberately peed on the floor, his ' in a snit' thing he does when he can't have his way.  

So, he can sleep in his crate, he is safe, the kitchen floor has been mopped 2times tonight and I am just stressed out with the dog, with a human or two, with things in general.

Tomorrow is the quilt show, the doll club meeting and I need to pick up the concrete patio blocks and some for the retaining wall so I can get that started.  Going 1 more patio block deep, 16" so I can fence across to the southeast corner of the house, with gates to get the bike and scooter in and out.  I need enough depth so the Rebel will fit without having to be at an angle and I need the change done before I start seeing contractors here for bids on the concrete patio pour that I hope/plan to have done this spring/summer.

I hope to see the survey done this coming week, the deposit has been paid and that check cleared my bank, and then I get to start figuring the fencing and what that will cost, as I can afford the materials and do the work.  At least it is a job that can be done in sections.

I really need to keep finances snug and make smart money choices so I can afford that fencing and some drywall and so forth, debt load will not go down very fast but as long as I can pay some over the minimum I will have to be ok with that.  Priorities, the house payment, the fencing and keep nibbling down that debt load, keep adding to the 401K, keep working on my small and boring life.

I am not bored with it but it sure would not make a book any one would pay to read.  I like this town and I like the house I have, might like a location away from such busy streets but at least I can get in and out when the streets are covered in snow.

A back patio and the kitchen door working will help, and fencing will help, along with some planned landscaping and a outdoor fabric "wall" on the south side of the big patio will give me an area where I feel I have some privacy.

But I know I live where anyone who wants to, can keep an eye on my life, and on my coming and going, make me feel spied on, make me feel like I am stalked.  Bugs me but then, I know that is part of why it is done, like tinkering/messing with the Passports was done more to irritate and bug me than to really help me out.  The Passports moved home and have been sold, the scooter and Rebel stay here and I tarp/cover them for weather protection.  My solution to that entertainment, but I don't know yet how I will deal with the spy game or if I will just work on tuning it out for the most part.  It is a good way for a man to become someone I used to spend time with, instead of someone I spend time with but he  has not figured that one out.

Oh, well, petty issues, every one has a few in their lives to deal with and I have dealt with worse.

Men, dating, on line dating web sites and that stuff in general

I admit to looking now and then at on line dating sites, am not willing to date people who work at the plant, don't see dumping the friendship with Larry at this time and have to be honest,the old house projects, both inside and outside hold more interest for me than a potential romance.

I admit to liking my very solitary lifestyle, plenty I enjoy doing alone and if I want company, I can usually find either Larry or a gal pal or son to keep me company.  And I like time alone, a lot of time alone.   I can read, watch what I want to watch, Downton Abby is my current enjoyment. I have time to sew and knit, plan out projects and see progress on them.

And my finances seem to be more stable.  Not getting rich, not even getting out of debt very fast but making ok progress on reducing the debt load, progress on this old house and progress on me.

I think tweaking me is and always will be an on-going project.  I need to find ways to get more organized and more tidy, I need to have better control of my temper, and of my spending impulses.

The weather this winter has been colder with more snow than in the past 10 winters I have been in Illinois and that too has added to my restless moods.  But I got exercise shoveling snow, and I helped my neighbors south of me, so that was good too.

Think there are a lot of good people out there, single and looking to meet someone, hope they find each other, know I am really not 1of them, know I don't want involved with any one, but do look now and then and dream.

Think I am happier dreaming about moving to the Faroe Islands than dreaming about a relationship, both occupy my mind while I do those jobs at the plant that now earn my living, and dating is less fun to dream about than becoming part of a small village on a rocky island in the North Sea.

Not blaming men for this, just accepting the reality of my life, this old house and what I really want for my life and for my future.

The house will be a long and slow project, but it is my project, and I don't want it taken over by someone else, and I sure do not want to loose the roof over my head due to the problems of some other person, not of my doing.  So, alone works for keeping the house and my stability as secure as I can make it, and that seems to be far more secure than I have found life with a man to be.

But I think it is great that 1 of my cousins is taking a holiday with her husband to celebrate their 25th anniversary.  And I like it that friends from childhood are still married to each other, despite all the rough times their lives have had, people I know do make marriage work.

But I don't want marriage, or live together or even a lot of time with anyone right now, I want stable finances and progress on my projects planned for this summer.

Working on that "me" project

Being back on the kill floor and a brainless, for the most part, job means that I have time again to dream and also to nit-pick my life and all the crappy choices I have made over the past 55+ years.

Being single, staying single and only a friendship, a very limited one with 1man seems to be working for me, at least far better than some of the past choices.

And I am working on controlling my using plastic cards to indulge and waste money that I later never seem to get paid off, high interest rates and way too much credit debt.  But I am making a bit of progress, not as much as I want.  But I am saving and have a 401K now to go with that Con-Agra pension I will hope to get every month.  

The house progress seems to be at a stop, I had hoped to see more drywall up but Jake and I did not communicate well with the 3 day weekend I had last month and so I lost that great work time.  But I will see outside progress this spring or early summer and plan to get some drywall, help to get it up into the attic and then help as needed to get it on the south end wall and some more of my ceiling heat loss area.

I am knitting on my 6th sock for the brace, but neglecting the doll clothes sewing that I should be working on and I will hope to make some doll sewing time this coming weekend.  I am tired, have been tired most of the week, but we are not working this Saturday and I plan to sleep later than 5 am if Shadow will let me.

Well, I am falling asleep and need a few things done first so better be done here and get with that before bed stuff.