Yesterday it was a phone call from a collection agency, looking for Kenn Gean, have not seen or heard from that man for years, like Thanksgiving weekend 1999. A man who always lied, who chose to never live with me, to never provide a home I could relocate to and live with him and who chose to demand I accept his idea of a 'good marriage' or live without him.
My finances and self esteem improved greatly when I chose to ship his few items to his employer, never had a real home address for the man, nor a home phone number, it was short, expensive and stupid, and he is still having financial issues that get calls to my phone number, living in a state he never lived in, in a home he has never seen, a phone number he has never had.
But, then, I seem to make a lot of crappy choices in the men in my life, my life is a track record of crappy and stupid choices and then my working to clean up the mess, fix the financial issues, I even made a very crappy choice in the contractor for a new roof on this old house and it cost me about double what a court judgement finally awarded me out of the large deposit I made on that contract.
But I am keeping my bills paid, and I am slowly digging my way out of debt, and I am slowly fixing this old house, might even see sheet rock/drywall start going up in the attic space this weekend, not much but even 1 sheet is a start, right?
And I keep going to work every day, days I hurt, days I feel a bit under the weather, days my mood sucks and I want to call in and just ditch work. I go to work and I do my job, and I keep working on staying stable, on dealing with what I have to deal with, 1 thing at a time, 1 day at a time.
No law says I have to be happy and cheerful all the time, no law says I have to always like myself and my life, or other humans. I do like me, and my life, most of the time, and there is a very short list of other humans I really care deeply for, a longer list of those I like somewhat and a huge list of those who don't really matter to me. And that too, is ok.
So, again today I am showered and dressed for work, and I will again go to the plant and do my job, and be ok with that, and know the money makes a difference in keeping the bills paid and in having a few dollars extra to buy something I want, to do a bit more work on this old house, add some music to my tunes collection, or a book, or meal out.
Huge difference from the skipping meals to feed my young children poverty I had when Stormy was small and Bryon was a baby, and a big difference from when I lived in Green City MO, and thought I would always have plenty of play money.
Much quieter life than when I lived in Idaho Falls, far better life than when I lived in Charleston S.C. or Maine.
Lots of years, lots of miles and living, and I am ok with who I am and where I am, but I don't want to go to work today, want to stay home and play in my attic, move stuff to get ready for the weekend project, shelves behind the future bathroom there, want to work on my shelf boards, 3 left to round the edges and sand down a bit, but no, I won't do that. I will go to Cargill and work, and I will spend most of that time alone with tunes cranking in my ears, that iPod Touch I bought myself playing my choice of music.
