We buried my mother just a few short days before what would have been, should have been, her 63rd birthday. Now, 20+ years later, it’s my 63rd birthday and I think back to my mother, who gave birth to me but didn’t do much of the raising of me. That was done by her mother and her father, for a lot of reasons, some of them very good.
But today I think of who she was, of what we never had, of those conversations we never had, of all we, for our own reasons, never managed to build a bridge across. And I think of the person I have become in these past 20 years and all the times I wished I could share something with her, my dreams for this old house, my fears after the accident, my joy in the rides I take on my bikes. The pride I take in having and keeping a job and of building a good credit rating.
I try to take better care of my health and my finances than what I saw in my mother and her choices, and I look at her life, as I saw it, what I saw it and try to make wiser choices. But I wish we had been closer, that I had been able or willing to ask her some of the questions that I will never have any answers to.
Today I am doing some things that need done, like laundry and some things that give me pride, like being able to sit on the landing at the top of the stairs to my attic studio/retreat with coffee, knitting, a book, and my iPad, all of which I have because of my own hard work, my pushing hard to return to work after a really bad vehicle accident.
And as it’s Saturday, the bills that needed paid are paid and I have a grocery list, I will be taking that vintage scooter to do the shopping, and my purchases will be coming home in a market bag that I knit myself with my own pattern and designing. A few other things on that list of what gets done this weekend, but done at my pace and as it suits me.
And today I miss being able to call my mom, to probably prank her on the phone, cuz I usually did, on or near my birthday and hers. And I wish I knew if she was ever proud of the person I was or would be proud of who I am now.
