Emotionally, mentally, I have come a very long ways since I was 17 or 28 or even 40. I am more confident, have more sense of self value and will no longer be what others want me to be.
But it took a lot of mistakes, poor choices and being stupid to get to this place. Not a road I would like anyone to walk, but I made it to here. I am stable, my finances are not good but they are livable and will slowly get better.
I am staying single, and I am not dating, no time to waste on relationships I do not want or need. This is my time, and I am running my life my way, not to suit someone else or meet their needs and wants. The advantage of being self supporting and divorced with children grown is that i can make this choice and there is nothing wrong with my living my life for me and for what matters to me.
Enough of me, my time, my needs was set aside to meet the needs and wants of others for many years, my children, while they were growing up, the men I picked for relationships, even the friends, all seemed to end up on the top of any and all lists while I kept putting myself down at the bottom.
That does not happen now, if something or someone seems on the top of the list, it is because that suits me needs or wants, and I have solid reasons.
Clayville suits me, my wants and needs, so it gets up on that important list, a few humans matter enough to make my list, some of the time, as it suits me. But I make the list, and I adjust it as I need or want to, my call and my reasons.
I work full time, hurt a lot but I work, that earns the money that pays my bills and buys me the stuff I have. It is my stuff, to do what I want with, my house, my toys, my books and so forth. And I can do what I want with those things, as it suits me. I am working on some of that, so I don't have things I don't use that can be better used elsewhere, like the tiller going to Clayville. And some things I want to gift where they will have value and meaning, like a couple Sasha dolls to a collector in our club and the inherited silver to my cousin, Rena, it is her maternal bloodline also and she will see they are treasured and valued where I really do not have anyone to hand them on to that will treasure and value them for the family/blood connection they have.
And I am going to enjoy my off work time with doing things that make me feel good about me, about life and make me happy or feel of value. I have spent too much of my life not feeling of value or with people who told me I was not worth value or appreciate me. That makes a very good reason to not date.
And I pray that all my children like their lives and the choices they make in those lives, they are all adults now, and can take care of themselves, be responsible for the choices they make and the results of those choices. I did the best I knew how to be a parent, I know I did not always make the best or right choice, but I tried. And that is all a person can do, try to do the best they can. I can't be friends with all my children but I am ok with that, they have the right to choose who they want in their life and I have come to terms with not being close. I cannot change the past, and I am not willing to be the whipping boy for things I didn't do, or poor choices made by others. Nor will I beat myself up over someone deciding I just never were the mother they wanted.
My daughter told me to get out of her life and stay out. I discovered that works well for me, i do love her and wish her a good life, but I can live just fine with no contact. And she can change that if she ever wants to, it was her choice, and anytime she wants to be in touch with me, I am easy to find.
My oldest son told me he has disowned me, and I am ok with that too. He certainly has that right, and lives a long way from my small river town, and that works nicely here. I hope his life is happy, that he is doing what he wants with his life, I know I am content and like my life here.
The other 2 sons manage to like and accept me for the person I am, and that works nicely, it also explains why I am closer to my younger sons than my older 2. But they came when I was more stable, and they had more stable parenting, even after their dad and I divorced. And my financial situation was more stable, so, yes, the life I could help provide those kids with was better.
And now, as I am close to turning 59, I am really ok with me and what I am doing with my life and I am looking at the future and liking that future, and am working to make it a stable one.
