People from the past

I once loved a young man, built my dreams and life around him and he and drugs pulled my world apart, shattered my dreams, I was a messed up wreck for a very long time, and even believed I was the one who failed.  

And years went by, we got back together, another child was conceived and born and drugs were still a part of his life, and making a mess of my life, the lives of my children and destroying any chance any of us had for a deceit life, a good future.  His parents helped me move myself and my children over a mountain pass, to a place where I had friends and could pick up the pieces and find a way to build my life again, he made the choice to deny being the father of my new baby, chose to throw away that child and the chance to have any part in that baby's life.

Many years have gone by, that baby boy will soon turn 29, it has been over 28.5 years now, and never once has my son asked about the man who fathered him, to see photos or know any details about that sperm donner, because he was that, not a father.

Yesterday through Facebook I was asked about helping him contact my son, that far ago past trying to reach out and touch my life and that of my now adult son.  Stupid how that managed to upset me, shake my foundations, depress me, and totally piss me off.  I will not help that old man, who still, no doubt smokes pot and might still play with other stuff, contact me or my son.  And if asked, I will not help that child I gave birth to get in touch with that man.  

That is a road I will not walk, I cannot control what others do, but I can control what I do, and the choices I make in my life.

This life here in central Illinois is my life, no one built it for me, no one has paid the bills for it, I have done it, and paid the price.  I am the one who has worked long and hard hours at meat packing plants for the paychecks and the benefits that have built this life, and bought the stuff I have in this life, from my house to my bike and scooter, from the table I made, with some help, to the IPad I am using to write this, my hard work has paid the bills.

I know many think pot is not such a big deal, but it is here, keep it out of my house, vehicle, property and my life.  And if you mess with it, I will keep you out of my life, my right of choice, and my right to exclude drugs, drinking, porn and a few other things from my life.

I am not in charge of the lives of other people and their choices, but I do have the right to the choices in my life and in what and who is a part of my life.  And I have the right to live my life in peace with the balance I have achieved, and worked hard for.

Vacation week and making progress

I have put my house and property low on the priority list way too often in the past few years, a poor choice but I also have dealt with a lot of life changes in the past 4+ years and my share of depression and life out of balance stuff.

So, now I am getting finances back on track, my old house and very small lot back on track and my life back on track.  That means my wants and needs are top of that list, being at my place is high on my list and my time for Clayville.org and Pleasant Plains Historical Society is high on that list.

No, I'd don't want to go camping right now, have work here that is far more important to me and that seeing the progress here, investing my week of paid vacation time into my place matters and more importantly, really makes me happy.

That car accident really fouled me up, the deception about finances from someone I thought was very honest really rocked my head and world.  I made some poor choices and was very financially careless during that accident recovery, and then spent several years feeling I would never dig my way out of the pit I dug, that it didn't matter, and that I didn't matter.

Long, rough road but I got through that and will honestly say that the trips out west and the dreams of a future with that man did help me get through a very black, very scary time in my life.  So, scales of life have balanced out, and I am building once again for my future, my way, and with my priority list.

The south end of the attic gained a lot of drywall this past week, that will help with both heating and cooling, the patio is done and paid for, I hope to start the work for a landing in 3 weeks, should have funds for some lumber by then.

The door will have to come out, down to the rough opening and custom door be ordered so I need to be ready to either pay for that or able to afford financing it before the door is taken out.  The opening will be covered with plastic and plywood but I love that door window and will miss it every day I have plywood and no window to let in light and let me look at my east lawn/back yard/new patio.

The old truck is going to cost me a very big shop bill, not the oil change, low rear tire issue and no cool air stuff but the rusted away shackles holding the very needed rear springs and the rusting away front part that also is needed to hold truck running gear to the rest of it.  I am glad Bruce caught it, am glad I have had this week off work so truck could live down at the shop and glad I have good credit.  I have asked Jake to pay his June rent a bit early so that could go to Bruce on the shop bill and will figure out what I do about the rest.  I can run an account at the shop but hate to do that as know Bruce has to keep his finances snug too, so his employees have paychecks and the benefits they deserve and earn.

I want to learn (and always have) bobbin/pillow lace making and cannot afford the bottom of the line kit at this time, that makes me down and then I have to remind myself of all the great stuff I do have to play with and of all the blessings in my life and know that I can afford that kit in a few months, or maybe bid on EBay for the 1up right now.  

So, time to get work clothes on and start work outside, looking forward to seeing improvements outside before the day is over, that thought makes me smile.