old house renovations and insanity

     Last winter it was the kitchen and get actual cupboards, cabinets and a real, working sink I liked, real counters and a real big refinance the almost paid off mortgage.  I survived that, I still have trim work to finish but it might actually get done this winter. 
     But I had that sewing space in the attic to retreat to and hide out in.  Now, the attic is the work in progress, just over a month so I cannot actually claim it has been that long.  I am already going insane, ready to abuse my co-workers over petty things, stressed and want to beat on that son that is again living with me, living supported again by me.. who is doing a lot of that work to finish dry walling and tape, mud and finish all the drywall except the inside of the future bathroom area.
     He finds time to game, to watch anime on the tv I own, with the internet service I pay for, shower in the water I pay for, using the towels I own, the shampoo and such I also buy.  But he has a hard time getting much work done up in that attic space, where I also have my only sleeping space, done.
     Jobs that should take a week or so are taking 2-3 weeks to do that area, and they get done because I go work on them, and I push him to get stuff done while I am at work, earning that money that is supporting the both of us.
      Yes, today I am whining and bitching and just venting.  Yes, I could ask him to move out, and he would, with no anger or raving, and go, where, he would not say, but he would leave...  in time to probably be back under my roof, living off me. 
     Getting a job and keeping it, staying employed with an income does not seem important to that more than 30 years old son, and that too, frustrates and upsets me.  I know I cannot make him be any different, he chooses his own path an lives his own life his way, for the most part.  But I see it as he is throwing hi life and time and abilities away, and that bothers me.
     I know I don't have much control over my adult children and how they choose to live their lives, where they live, who they spend time with, but I can still be bothered about their choices and look to see where I might have gone wrong or failed them while raising them.
     This morning I will touch up some areas with drywall mud, it has been primed and that helps show up spots that need a bit more attention. While that is drying I can start the cut work, paint with a brush the edges and corners that I can't get painted with the roller.  The electrical outlet that needed replaced can get wired in, and paint around them so they can be once again fastened into the box and ready for that breaker to get turned back on.  The ceiling will get painted and then the buttercup yellow on the walls, and the large peg board will get fastened back where it goes, 1 less item in the way, a tiny dent in all the mess and clutter that my sewing studio is and will be for weeks still.
      My much used and needed old truck is sitting at the repair shop and has to have the transmission rebuilt, I want that old truck and need use of a truck for several more years, so fixing it is my choice.  But I also pulled my savings and instead of that little wood shop/hobby shop, bike storage building I had planned and had funds for, I bought a car, 11 years old, $1800 for the car and over $1100 now for taxes, plates, new tires, brake work, transmission lines work, vacuum leak, seat covers....and I am still going to be paying over $40/key to have keys programmed and cut as the car came with only 1 key and 1 remote.  The wrong remotes were ordered, my error, they are now on their way back to seller, the key blanks are here and waiting, I do have 1 new remote that is correct and Ben programmed it, a very simple task with the remote that has the right transponder codes.
      And that is another irritation to add to my life.  The car is nice but it has a huge amount of electronics and so much stuff under the engine hood I have no idea what I am looking at and sure cannot do much of the work.
       I still have my taxes to file and will claim that son on my return, it has been over a year since he has been living off/with Mom again..I think I finally have all the stuff I need, will have to check on line with my 401Ks as I moved them with the change in plant ownership.  I do have the stuff from cashing out my pension and have to do some reading up on that 10% penalty stuff for cashing it before I turned 59.5, the form has some exemption marked but I do need to read and make sure, if I owe that 10%, I want it paid this tax filing and have it behind me.
      And the attic is a huge energy loss until it is finished, and ugly, and disorganized, and having the ceilings finished and the walls done, the sewing studio finished and orderly, storage organized and very usable will be a huge improvement and will last far longer than the disorder and mess it takes to get to that place.  I can cope, not exactly sure how, but know I am able to survive this house a mess stuff, this no place to hide and read, watch Netflix, or listen to music, no place to sew.
      I know that this winter I am able to afford the cost of all the needed materials and some of the just wanted stuff, that the entire attic expansion has not been a huge cost, but has made a huge improvement on my quality of life and will continue to do so for all the years I am able to live here.  These are the things I need to think of and hang on to when the mess and how long it takes starts to make me crazy, depressed and just irritated at that lazy adult living here.  The mess does not bother him as much, and he does not have any huge real reason to push himself to get more of the work done while I am out earning a living.  I wish he would feel, inside, that it matters to do all he can here, in as timely manor as he can, but he won't, I cannot make him feel that way and I can either ask him to leave, or find ways to cope and know I do get much needed and 'free' help on this old house renovations, if I can just survive the cost of that 'free' help I have living here.
      So, now that the coffee maker has been cleaned and rinsed out very well, and coffee made, it is time to get that first load into the dryer, get some coffee and into old house work clothes and go play in my sewing studio, the sooner I get busy up there the sooner this area will be done so we can move things and the next area can be worked. Change the piles and mess around, and find a way to cope and live through another few more weeks of attic mess, bug and push and then we will be to doing the dormer area or starting on the south end.     

The 6th Anniversary of that car accident.

     And I made it through the long work day, chatted with pal Kim after work and drove home in that Neon I bought this past Saturday from a Craig's List seller.  And thought about that accident some today while I was working. And how it has changed my life and changed me.

     It took a long and painful recovery before I returned to work, and there has been some rough days just to stay working but I keep winning that battle.  It took a long time to get the insurance settlement but I put it, or most of it to good use/work in my life.  

     I never came to love that truck I bought as a replacement for my red Mazda truck that I did love very much, but I have taken good care of it, and will continue to do so.  It is currently at the shop to get the transmission rebuilt and will come home to semi-retirement as the old house jobs truck.  I appreciate it, and have put a lot of funds into it, it is old and rusting but has served me well.

     The same old house, and it keeps slowly improving, and I keep being glad I bought it and live here. The same plant, now with a different company to work for, some changes made there and more coming as the new company works to tweak us into their company and their way of doing things. 

     A milder winter than the past 2 have been, working day shift instead of a split shift, working production instead of store room clerk, but day's work for me, now.

     A quieter life than back before the accident and a bit more careful with money, some payroll savings and investments for my future, and a life that has the possibility of going on disability before I am retirement age, not something I ever considered before that Buick crossed the center line in heavy traffic and I knew we would be hit head on and there was damn little I could do to minimize that accident.

     No going back, no changing the past, just adjust and live with what I cannot change, do what I can to have the life I want and that works for me and appreciate each and every day.  At times, it gets hard to find that bright spot, that high point in the day, but if I look, if it matters enough, I can always find a positive thing, a bright ray of light and a reason to know I am blessed.

     6 years have gone by, a lot has changed, I have changed, but there is not sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, first, it does not fix anything, second, I just am not good at that self pity stuff, and most of all, I am tough, hard and mean.  It was my life, and some man with marriage problems managed to get himself killed and really did a number on my little, much loved red truck, on my son and on his gal pal, and on my right leg and my brains.  

     He is dead, and I live on, brain has a few glitches, keep the chemical balance right and it has far fewer glitches.   The right leg and foot is not screaming mad at me as often has it was the first couple years, but that does not mean everything is better, some things will never 'get better' but I make life work and I make that foot and leg work also.

     I lost some precious dreams, can't actually blame that car accident for that, but it was involved.  And I found what really matters, and I learned just how strong and tough I can become.   And how very valuable my independence is to me.  

     And I will make this year a good year in my life, and keep moving forward with my life and with what works for me, my way and in my time frame.

Starting the New Year right is

      I slept in, until after 6 am, which here is sleeping in, my alarm goes off now at 4:15 am.  And the bed has clean sheets, the load of laundry is in the dryer and my peg board has been cleared off so it can be removed.  The north baseboard heater gets removed, that under windows area gets drywalled, maybe a bit of primer, and the heater goes back on so I can turn the power back on to those heaters.  They are connected and on the same breaker so the job means only small plug in heaters in the attic until the north one is back on the wall, wires connected and breaker turned back on.
     We work a full 8 hours tomorrow, overtime, and I am very glad to have it, as that old truck will be costing me several thousand dollars to repair.  But still, a better choice for me and my long term financial needs, goals and dreams.  And I will be nice to Jake's jeep while I have the loan of it.  And not go any place unless I have to...I really do not like that jeep or driving that jeep.
     The attic retreat, the south end, is a real mess, but not everything from the north end is moved in there, so the whole attic area is a jumbled disaster.  No, probably not quite that bad but I will be glad to make some visible progress today.  I know the area has to be done in sections, this house is just too small to move every thing out, do all the walls and ceilings and then get everything moved back in and out where it belongs.  I will not rent storage for the job, and I do not yet own that hobby/wood/bike building I hope to have built and moved here this winter.  And I would not want to pack some things down the stairs, out to the building and then back up again so even IF I did have the little shop building, not everything would be moving out so I would still have a disaster area to live with.
     We are seeing some of those changes at the plant, some job changes, some money/costs tightening that I had been expecting.  The new owners will change some things to how it is done in their other plants, some or most might work well here, and I am not management so it is not my headache.  I do own my job boxing stomaches, have made it clear to my immediate supervisor that having 'the boss' back has that woman giving me orders, telling me what all I do or did wrong and I did tell the real boss that I am the box girl and I see no reason for that to change or for overtime to be paid to the other woman again so she can waste company time.
     But I want a new doll, right now I want the new American Girl of the Year to  play with.  And I own several dolls that size so do not need another one and there are far more important things along with credit debt to pay down and a huge shop bill coming for the work my truck has to have.