It was 45 years ago today that you were born, and a Monday, and we were home in time for Thanksgiving. And you were loved and wanted. I have always loved you and wanted the very best for you.
Your roads and decisions have not been the same as mine, we view so many things so very differently and have lived our lives so very different. I hope you are happy, that the coming years bring you peace and happiness and joy.
I don’t regret having you, or doing the best I could to be a good parent, I don’t mind the times I went without so you could have the very best I could provide and I have gotten through all the pain and hurt you have caused and moved foreword with my life.
You told me to get out of your life and stay out years ago and I did that, and I continue to do that. It’s been working well for me, and I haven’t found any reasons to try and build any bridges. You chose to burn them down and I am and have been, for years, quite willing to leave it that way.
But 45 years ago, you were the most important person in my life, and today, on your birthday I do wish you happiness.
Monday, November 25, 2019
Sunday, October 6, 2019
Chasing dogs and depression
I do not like chasing dogs, or being drug around by a large dog when trying to walk him and I don't like being woke up several times a night by a whining dog, who does not really need out to pee but does want my company.
I do understand it's how his head works, it's his genetics and his raising and his breeding that is a huge part of my problems with the dog and with my growing depression here. I can't change most of the problems, I cannot fix most of the problems and it's getting harder to live with the problems.
The shelters are overrun with dogs they cannot find placements for, and underfunded for their current dogs, so don't tell me to find a shelter that will take him. And calls to local vets either go no response when I left messages or outright refusal to put this dog to sleep, he does not have enough health problems for them to consider it acceptable. They refuse to accept that his aggressive personality, his weight, and strength create a safety problem for me and for others IF/When he is not confined. And they refuse to consider that I might actually be trying to make the best choices for both this dog, who has never lived with anyone except me and my sons, and does not adapt or adjust easily and for me, who with some physical disabilities and aging issues, needs less problems and less trip hazards and less stress in her life.
This is not a situation that a simple pill will fix, the solution is doing something permanent and that is mentally acceptable to me with this dog. I can't just dump him out somewhere, I can't take a gun and shoot him, and I can't keep dealing with the dog.
That son that has to have dogs, that will not help teach a dog good social behaviors, that will not accept house rules for dogs is now far off in another state, which is some help, if only that he no longer comes through and encourages wild and behavior, crazy and unhappy dog problems and leaves behind the mess. But it also means I cannot dump his problem dog back into his life and his living space. It's a mess, the dog is a continual shedding, whining, unhappy dog that deeply wants to be velcro attached to a significant human and I just am not willing and cannot be that human.
My holidays away have not helped, first I was gone in August to Michigan for a fiber festival, several nights away with a friend doing pet care, and then again in September for a scooter rally, both had me 3-4 nights away and the friend coming by to care for the dog. He hates being alone, he hates not having a significant human close at hand, 24/7.
I have a full-time job and have to work to support that dog, myself, my bills and I am going to have a life and do some of the things that I enjoy, including trips that have me not home for several days at a time. And a dog whining off and on all night does not allow me to get my very needed sleep. He will not change and I am at the end of being able to cope, and I will not lose my stability and let issues with a dog whose problems I did not create cause me to be so damn miserable and depressed as I have been this past week.
It's time to buck up and face the fact that I cannot and will not continue to live with this dog.
I do understand it's how his head works, it's his genetics and his raising and his breeding that is a huge part of my problems with the dog and with my growing depression here. I can't change most of the problems, I cannot fix most of the problems and it's getting harder to live with the problems.
The shelters are overrun with dogs they cannot find placements for, and underfunded for their current dogs, so don't tell me to find a shelter that will take him. And calls to local vets either go no response when I left messages or outright refusal to put this dog to sleep, he does not have enough health problems for them to consider it acceptable. They refuse to accept that his aggressive personality, his weight, and strength create a safety problem for me and for others IF/When he is not confined. And they refuse to consider that I might actually be trying to make the best choices for both this dog, who has never lived with anyone except me and my sons, and does not adapt or adjust easily and for me, who with some physical disabilities and aging issues, needs less problems and less trip hazards and less stress in her life.
This is not a situation that a simple pill will fix, the solution is doing something permanent and that is mentally acceptable to me with this dog. I can't just dump him out somewhere, I can't take a gun and shoot him, and I can't keep dealing with the dog.
That son that has to have dogs, that will not help teach a dog good social behaviors, that will not accept house rules for dogs is now far off in another state, which is some help, if only that he no longer comes through and encourages wild and behavior, crazy and unhappy dog problems and leaves behind the mess. But it also means I cannot dump his problem dog back into his life and his living space. It's a mess, the dog is a continual shedding, whining, unhappy dog that deeply wants to be velcro attached to a significant human and I just am not willing and cannot be that human.
My holidays away have not helped, first I was gone in August to Michigan for a fiber festival, several nights away with a friend doing pet care, and then again in September for a scooter rally, both had me 3-4 nights away and the friend coming by to care for the dog. He hates being alone, he hates not having a significant human close at hand, 24/7.
I have a full-time job and have to work to support that dog, myself, my bills and I am going to have a life and do some of the things that I enjoy, including trips that have me not home for several days at a time. And a dog whining off and on all night does not allow me to get my very needed sleep. He will not change and I am at the end of being able to cope, and I will not lose my stability and let issues with a dog whose problems I did not create cause me to be so damn miserable and depressed as I have been this past week.
It's time to buck up and face the fact that I cannot and will not continue to live with this dog.
Saturday, July 6, 2019
20 years ago and more
We buried my mother just a few short days before what would have been, should have been, her 63rd birthday. Now, 20+ years later, it’s my 63rd birthday and I think back to my mother, who gave birth to me but didn’t do much of the raising of me. That was done by her mother and her father, for a lot of reasons, some of them very good.
But today I think of who she was, of what we never had, of those conversations we never had, of all we, for our own reasons, never managed to build a bridge across. And I think of the person I have become in these past 20 years and all the times I wished I could share something with her, my dreams for this old house, my fears after the accident, my joy in the rides I take on my bikes. The pride I take in having and keeping a job and of building a good credit rating.
I try to take better care of my health and my finances than what I saw in my mother and her choices, and I look at her life, as I saw it, what I saw it and try to make wiser choices. But I wish we had been closer, that I had been able or willing to ask her some of the questions that I will never have any answers to.
Today I am doing some things that need done, like laundry and some things that give me pride, like being able to sit on the landing at the top of the stairs to my attic studio/retreat with coffee, knitting, a book, and my iPad, all of which I have because of my own hard work, my pushing hard to return to work after a really bad vehicle accident.
And as it’s Saturday, the bills that needed paid are paid and I have a grocery list, I will be taking that vintage scooter to do the shopping, and my purchases will be coming home in a market bag that I knit myself with my own pattern and designing. A few other things on that list of what gets done this weekend, but done at my pace and as it suits me.
And today I miss being able to call my mom, to probably prank her on the phone, cuz I usually did, on or near my birthday and hers. And I wish I knew if she was ever proud of the person I was or would be proud of who I am now.
But today I think of who she was, of what we never had, of those conversations we never had, of all we, for our own reasons, never managed to build a bridge across. And I think of the person I have become in these past 20 years and all the times I wished I could share something with her, my dreams for this old house, my fears after the accident, my joy in the rides I take on my bikes. The pride I take in having and keeping a job and of building a good credit rating.
I try to take better care of my health and my finances than what I saw in my mother and her choices, and I look at her life, as I saw it, what I saw it and try to make wiser choices. But I wish we had been closer, that I had been able or willing to ask her some of the questions that I will never have any answers to.
Today I am doing some things that need done, like laundry and some things that give me pride, like being able to sit on the landing at the top of the stairs to my attic studio/retreat with coffee, knitting, a book, and my iPad, all of which I have because of my own hard work, my pushing hard to return to work after a really bad vehicle accident.
And as it’s Saturday, the bills that needed paid are paid and I have a grocery list, I will be taking that vintage scooter to do the shopping, and my purchases will be coming home in a market bag that I knit myself with my own pattern and designing. A few other things on that list of what gets done this weekend, but done at my pace and as it suits me.
And today I miss being able to call my mom, to probably prank her on the phone, cuz I usually did, on or near my birthday and hers. And I wish I knew if she was ever proud of the person I was or would be proud of who I am now.
Sunday, June 2, 2019
dreams or nightmares, sometimes they blend together
And dealing with some of my family and their problems/issues drags me into restless activity, nightmares instead of quality sleep and being careless with my credit. And a lot of talking to myself, the dog, parrots, the dolls, the knitting, the walls. . . that sort of head balancing stuff.
The fact is my grandparents did the best they could to raise 3 grandkids and did better than our mother would have done and far better than our father was capable of doing. Yes, they made some really stupid things, but not out of malice or wanting me or any of us to have problems with life.
But it's my life, once I left home, it became my responsibility to live, to make choices, to work out the problems with my decisions and some times to figure out why I made some of the decisions I was making that were not good, healthy or smart choices so that I could do a better job with those choices and with the direction they took my walk in life.
I tried to do the best I could with raising my kids, it's not an easy job some times but I wanted to give them better guidance than I got, better able to know the doors were there and they could work towards and for anything they wanted their lives to be. As they grew and as I saw choices they made were not good for a long term direction or life, I tried to tell or help them see why that was not a good choice.
I want all my children and their children to have lives they like, to make decisions they are ok with living with, and to accept the results of those choices or do the work to change things if it does not work.
Right now my oldest granddaughter seems to have a huge mess in her life, and she's actually the one who has the most responsibility for that mess, her actions or lack of has caused the heartache and misery that she is now dealing with. I want to jump in and do what I can to 'fix' things for her, to help her out but I know that I would be just as well off to take money out of the bank and set it on fire.
And I know that some of my adding to credit debt with things I don't need is my subconscious way of having my finances so I can't afford to help her out in much of any way financially. It did take me some time to sort that out, but it's my way of avoiding rather than facing things.
My daughter told me more than once that I was not willing to just tell her 'no' but I avoided or put off or went around and she was right. Telling her 'no' usually ended up with her throwing raving temper tantrums, hounding and harassing me and saying and doing all she could to make me miserable. And this sort of reaction to being told no was why I found ways to not have to say that word to her. She would cry and scream and yell until she was sick and throwing up, and it worked well, I gave in and gave in and I walked around her jealousy and bad temper and gave in to her over and over. No, we did not have a healthy relationship and we have both paid a high price for that.
Now, I'm working on a healthy life and being mentally healthy too and that does mean keeping my finances in manageable condition, my bills paid on time, food in my house and gas in my vehicles and all that stuff.
I have worked hard for this life here and to like who I am, to have some financial stability and good credit and I am not going to be drilling holes in my own boat, not for anyone and not to hide from anyone. I will put up that wall, move my heart into that 'magic bubble' I mentally created when I was a child and needed a safe place.
And I will accept that it's not my job to fix this mess.
The fact is my grandparents did the best they could to raise 3 grandkids and did better than our mother would have done and far better than our father was capable of doing. Yes, they made some really stupid things, but not out of malice or wanting me or any of us to have problems with life.
But it's my life, once I left home, it became my responsibility to live, to make choices, to work out the problems with my decisions and some times to figure out why I made some of the decisions I was making that were not good, healthy or smart choices so that I could do a better job with those choices and with the direction they took my walk in life.
I tried to do the best I could with raising my kids, it's not an easy job some times but I wanted to give them better guidance than I got, better able to know the doors were there and they could work towards and for anything they wanted their lives to be. As they grew and as I saw choices they made were not good for a long term direction or life, I tried to tell or help them see why that was not a good choice.
I want all my children and their children to have lives they like, to make decisions they are ok with living with, and to accept the results of those choices or do the work to change things if it does not work.
Right now my oldest granddaughter seems to have a huge mess in her life, and she's actually the one who has the most responsibility for that mess, her actions or lack of has caused the heartache and misery that she is now dealing with. I want to jump in and do what I can to 'fix' things for her, to help her out but I know that I would be just as well off to take money out of the bank and set it on fire.
And I know that some of my adding to credit debt with things I don't need is my subconscious way of having my finances so I can't afford to help her out in much of any way financially. It did take me some time to sort that out, but it's my way of avoiding rather than facing things.
My daughter told me more than once that I was not willing to just tell her 'no' but I avoided or put off or went around and she was right. Telling her 'no' usually ended up with her throwing raving temper tantrums, hounding and harassing me and saying and doing all she could to make me miserable. And this sort of reaction to being told no was why I found ways to not have to say that word to her. She would cry and scream and yell until she was sick and throwing up, and it worked well, I gave in and gave in and I walked around her jealousy and bad temper and gave in to her over and over. No, we did not have a healthy relationship and we have both paid a high price for that.
Now, I'm working on a healthy life and being mentally healthy too and that does mean keeping my finances in manageable condition, my bills paid on time, food in my house and gas in my vehicles and all that stuff.
I have worked hard for this life here and to like who I am, to have some financial stability and good credit and I am not going to be drilling holes in my own boat, not for anyone and not to hide from anyone. I will put up that wall, move my heart into that 'magic bubble' I mentally created when I was a child and needed a safe place.
And I will accept that it's not my job to fix this mess.
Monday, April 22, 2019
That raffle scooter
Last year’s Missouri Loves Company raffle scooter is now my Alta Dulce (sugar high) and I’m getting more confident with riding this shifty, vintage treasure. And I’m investing some of that $ I earn at that pork plant on ‘stuff’ for this scooter, the correct tail light, the needed center stand, the missing back bumper, the correct rear view mirrors.
A very unexpected treasure that I appreciate and am working to learn wha needs done to take good care of and to ride and enjoy this vintage Vespa scooter that I now own. And yes, I am still grinning big.
My life has had a lot of ups and downs, and I’ve worked hard to dig myself out of not only the results of my stupid/poor/impulsive choices and decisions but those others caused or brought into my life. Right now I can say my life is working well, and I work hard at making that life good and at appreciating my life, every day and knowing the rough or hard spots are something I can overcome.
I waste money on stuff I don’t need but it’s also my money and bills get paid on time, I keep doing the stuff that needs done, my credit is ok, well, actually it’s better than ok. And most of the time I’m content and occasionally even bouncing happy.
Right now I get a bit pouty about being outbid on a doll I don’t need that’s up for sale on EBay, and if I don’t get the doll, my life will be ok, and if I do, that $ I could have used more wisely but again, it’s my earnings and my children are all grown adults and none of them are dependent on me for the roof over their heads, the clothing they wear or the food they eat.
There are some empty spots in my life, and I am very single and live a solitary life in many ways, but it’s working for me. It’s not how I thought I would be living many years ago when I thought about my ‘old age’ but it’s now just what works for me and I will not be changing that.
It is really ok to be single, to not date, to spend my $ as I want/need and to be content and at peace with the person I have grown into. And it’s ok if I pout about loosing out on an auction or get excited over winning a vintage Vespa scooter.
A very unexpected treasure that I appreciate and am working to learn wha needs done to take good care of and to ride and enjoy this vintage Vespa scooter that I now own. And yes, I am still grinning big.
My life has had a lot of ups and downs, and I’ve worked hard to dig myself out of not only the results of my stupid/poor/impulsive choices and decisions but those others caused or brought into my life. Right now I can say my life is working well, and I work hard at making that life good and at appreciating my life, every day and knowing the rough or hard spots are something I can overcome.
I waste money on stuff I don’t need but it’s also my money and bills get paid on time, I keep doing the stuff that needs done, my credit is ok, well, actually it’s better than ok. And most of the time I’m content and occasionally even bouncing happy.
Right now I get a bit pouty about being outbid on a doll I don’t need that’s up for sale on EBay, and if I don’t get the doll, my life will be ok, and if I do, that $ I could have used more wisely but again, it’s my earnings and my children are all grown adults and none of them are dependent on me for the roof over their heads, the clothing they wear or the food they eat.
There are some empty spots in my life, and I am very single and live a solitary life in many ways, but it’s working for me. It’s not how I thought I would be living many years ago when I thought about my ‘old age’ but it’s now just what works for me and I will not be changing that.
It is really ok to be single, to not date, to spend my $ as I want/need and to be content and at peace with the person I have grown into. And it’s ok if I pout about loosing out on an auction or get excited over winning a vintage Vespa scooter.
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