I don't do that commercial Christmas stuff, walked away from that 'crap' many years ago. I will eat the mid-winter feast meal, this year Cargill is doing our dinner on a Tuesday so I actually get to have my Christmas dinner. And the gift from the plant was a very nice sized ham and a really great sweatshirt fleece blanket in a very friendly gray that Kid and I will enjoy.
D.H. has backed off and now now longer tries to get me to do something after I get off work Sundays and I think he has finally accepted that I am not dating him, I am not going to Springfield or Jacksonville with him and that I don't want drug into any of the plant issues he's involved in, having or whatever.
It's cold, and I am not enjoying some of that, but I will survive. So far it's not been too bad in supply but some of my co-workers have set the area heater on 100, I turned it down, turned off the small electric heaters and was comfortable all shift. I was also busy and got things done that needed done.
I was spending some out of plant time with a maint. guy when I started that royal blue work sweater, now the replacement is done and I'm considering some time with that same guy again.
He does understand that I am still getting life back on solid ground, that I don't have much time or much 'me' to put into a relationship but he's ok with that. He also has done some things that hit me as making it obvious that he is interested in me...and we will both get some flack/teasing/comments about it. And he knew he would be 'opening the door' to talk and speculation on what's going on between us...plenty of audience to that coffee delivery and the comments he made. Including his supervisor. It's ok, I can handle the waves.
Jake's back at home base, talked to him last night, that was great, he sounds good, happy, talking about his leave, doesn't know when it will be yet. Loves me, had some of his hand knit socks stolen, some wore out.
The new work sweater had it's first trip through the washing machine and dryer. I did turn it wrong side out and I did remove it from the dryer before it was completely dry. I love the sweater, think I need several more that weight and do have the purple 1 started, planning to use a pattern by Alice Starmore for that 1 but we all know I will adjust it to fit me better or tweak it to suit me more.
Don't have much of a wish list, 1 month of everyone working in supply/warehouse being considerate, and doing their job and doing it right would be nice. Less pain in the right foot would really be appreciated as would more patience with myself.
Sister L is still hurting from her surgery, still having daily migrains, still looking for mr right, I am glad I don't have her life, am glad I am emotionally stronger, and manage my life different than she is doing her life. She may pass for many years younger than she actually is but I don't see it lasting if she continues drinking and being dis-satisfied with her life. I thought she and her husband had got it figured out, how to keep a marriage working, but after 24+ years of marriage, they are now divorced.
I will gladly keep my old house and damaged foot, it's a life I can work with and some things, some days are just gold, coffee delivered today, the patience some of the maint guys have when I have to move a lot of stuff with the fork truck before I can get to the racks and barrels of oil down.
The dog reeks when he passes gas, and he wants to cuddle, wants my attention when I am trying to read my e-mail, crowds me sleeping, takes up a lot of my bed, but he also loves me with few demands, just as I am, on my good days and on my bad ones too.
I do so love my life, love that feeling I get when I put on a sweater I knit, especially when it's 1 I designed too. 3 out of 5 of my hand knit sweaters are my own design/creation. Love wrapping up in the new blanket and watching tv with that dog. I do know I still have a lot of issues to work out, sort out, deal with.
I know I have a ways to go when I find myself crying over sad spots in Star Trek Voyager episodes. Or sad spots in movies. I don't cry over my life but I am far too easily moved to tears over fictional things. I am not going to try to 'get help' with any emotional issues or 'depression' as I know there is nothing in my life that would be 'fixed' by anti-depressants, I have a lot that needs dealt with, taken care of, and some is just time and you have to live through that 'time' stuff
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Winter is here
And we have gotten real cold, at least for this area. I lived through much colder out west, but I was younger then and didn't have a metal plate and 5 screws in 1 leg. I am not whining but life here is not all cake and ice cream. I try to not moan or whine where many people can read it or where my venting can get waves going that I don't want to deal with.
Some of my co-workers suck when it comes to doing their work duties, I do not expect it to get a lot better with the new dept head and I doubt if having our very own warehouse supervisor on 2nd shift will make huge changes, nor will security cameras in the warehouse but the gate might be kept shut like it should be more often.
And looking back, I have to wonder just how stupid and desperate that guy from the past thought I was??? Ok, so I had some fun out west, at a time I really wanted an escape from being here, from dealing with the accident and I wanted something to believe in, someone who gave me a bit of 'happy ever after' even when I could see that he could not bring it about.
So, a year later, I walk with a real obvious limp some days, and hurt a lot, and live with that hurt. and I just don't want some man feeding me any lines/lies/crap again. I don't want to hear much about their problems, I won't fix things for anyone, and I don't want to share my house, my bed or my paycheck with anyone except the dog and birds, and the birds do not get to share that bed.
I also think Suzi has her doll outfits way overpriced and that green sweater she has up for sale has a serious cable screw up on it, it's not acceptable workmanship for the price she is asking. I know she is very talented and creative, but she's not designing much original stuff, purchased patterns for both the sewing and knitting and not a huge amount of tweaking with them...
but I am also not creating much, for sale or for myself...
Taking some time off knitting or slowing down some on it, wrists and lower arms are getting painful at times, and I know I have pushed hard with my sweater. It will get done, I will be wearing it soon but it's not a life and death thing..the world does not end if I don't get it done Now..but I would like to be wearing it to work Saturday or Sunday..and impress that guy in the boiler room I flirt with.
We have been involved before, and we might again do some of that adult stuff, and for now, we are comfortable with things as they are..it's too cold to play or run back and forth between where he lives and where I live and our different work schedules...
and I need to head for bed, get that spoilt dog out for a last potty break and then tuck in the warm and clean bed that is waiting for us...
Some of my co-workers suck when it comes to doing their work duties, I do not expect it to get a lot better with the new dept head and I doubt if having our very own warehouse supervisor on 2nd shift will make huge changes, nor will security cameras in the warehouse but the gate might be kept shut like it should be more often.
And looking back, I have to wonder just how stupid and desperate that guy from the past thought I was??? Ok, so I had some fun out west, at a time I really wanted an escape from being here, from dealing with the accident and I wanted something to believe in, someone who gave me a bit of 'happy ever after' even when I could see that he could not bring it about.
So, a year later, I walk with a real obvious limp some days, and hurt a lot, and live with that hurt. and I just don't want some man feeding me any lines/lies/crap again. I don't want to hear much about their problems, I won't fix things for anyone, and I don't want to share my house, my bed or my paycheck with anyone except the dog and birds, and the birds do not get to share that bed.
I also think Suzi has her doll outfits way overpriced and that green sweater she has up for sale has a serious cable screw up on it, it's not acceptable workmanship for the price she is asking. I know she is very talented and creative, but she's not designing much original stuff, purchased patterns for both the sewing and knitting and not a huge amount of tweaking with them...
but I am also not creating much, for sale or for myself...
Taking some time off knitting or slowing down some on it, wrists and lower arms are getting painful at times, and I know I have pushed hard with my sweater. It will get done, I will be wearing it soon but it's not a life and death thing..the world does not end if I don't get it done Now..but I would like to be wearing it to work Saturday or Sunday..and impress that guy in the boiler room I flirt with.
We have been involved before, and we might again do some of that adult stuff, and for now, we are comfortable with things as they are..it's too cold to play or run back and forth between where he lives and where I live and our different work schedules...
and I need to head for bed, get that spoilt dog out for a last potty break and then tuck in the warm and clean bed that is waiting for us...
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Hot baths and wild dogs
It's really great to come home from work to a long hot bath and a wild dog to keep me company. It doesn't matter to the dog if the dishes are done or not, or if the clean laundry is put away, he loves me and is very glad to have me home and is content with dog food in his bowl for something to eat.
Not dating is working so well right now for me, no stress, no one trying to push me to go out, or be entertaining.
I don't need a man to think for me, or help me spend my money. I don't need 1 to take care of me, in fact, most of the men I have dated since Miguel left have needed taken care of more than they have been able to take care of me. And they have cost me money. So, being single works so very much better than being involved with Mike and his financial mess, or Darrell and all the issues in his life.
Kid might drive me crazy with his needs for attention but that big footed, long legged, spoiled and indulged dog is far better company and less demanding financially than the men I have been involved with lately--like the past 4+ years.
Not dating is working so well right now for me, no stress, no one trying to push me to go out, or be entertaining.
I don't need a man to think for me, or help me spend my money. I don't need 1 to take care of me, in fact, most of the men I have dated since Miguel left have needed taken care of more than they have been able to take care of me. And they have cost me money. So, being single works so very much better than being involved with Mike and his financial mess, or Darrell and all the issues in his life.
Kid might drive me crazy with his needs for attention but that big footed, long legged, spoiled and indulged dog is far better company and less demanding financially than the men I have been involved with lately--like the past 4+ years.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Attitudes..it's all about attitudes
Attitude is such a personal thing, you can have a good one, you can have a bad one, you can have a good attitude about some things and bad about other things, and it's so individual, how we see that 'attitude' another person has.
I like feeling good about going to work, I like being busy, I like being up-beat and happy. It's my choice, and it's an 'inside me' thing that I don't have to, won't let others poke pins in. I am quite willing to let them have their 'don't care' attitudes, their 'hate work, hate the boss' attitude.
People have been, since cave man days, going through life feeling they always get the bad deal, feeling someone 'shit' on them, feeling they were cheated. It's their personal choice of attitude and it's not contagious so I don't have to catch it.
I am not responsible for other people's attitude, if they say or suggest I am, they are coping out and are not willing to take responsibility for their own attitude and their own choices of how they choose to respond to situations or other people.
I also like knowing I have money going into payroll savings every week, that my debt load is dropping every week, I like knowing I am getting my life, my finances back into some order that I am comfortable with.
And I like knowing I make the choices for how I spend my earnings, it gives me a cheerful attitude to know I have bills paid on time or early, that I can pay extra on credit debt, that I can get the co-pays on medical bills paid off.
Physically I might never bounce with joy again, but I like having that feeling back inside me, it took a long and hard battle to get some of that 'happy' stuff back. But it's back, even when I am hurting a lot at work, I still have a lot of that 'happy' just glowing out.
And it feeds my energy levels, I like that, so even when I hurt a lot, I can push me harder to do what needs done. If my co-worker, on the 2 nights we do work together, chooses to spend most of his work shift sitting on his butt with his big feet propped up on a desk, that is his choice.
But I will no longer be the dept. scapegoat for the others to dump on, I am not the only 1 working on Tuesday and Wed. and I am not going to be in the office about what I did or did not get done on those nights or if I left a few minutes early.
No, it's not all my job, they are not paying me more per hour to do more work than that lazy, sour, bad attitude I work with on those days. And 3rd shift can help pull his load, especially the brown hatted union steward who protects that man's back, who favors him, and who has managed to help him keep or get back his job over and over.
He is on his last chance, and I know he and good old pal union steward want to get him moved to the job bid he won before he gets another write up or causes any problems. 1 more 'anything' and he will be permanently out of the plant. He's managed to get his 'rope' that short and me, I would be quite happy if that rope frayed through and dropped him.
I know the added hours and work load would be very hard on me, but the freedom from stress would be well worth some of the pain and being beat tired.
I like feeling good about going to work, I like being busy, I like being up-beat and happy. It's my choice, and it's an 'inside me' thing that I don't have to, won't let others poke pins in. I am quite willing to let them have their 'don't care' attitudes, their 'hate work, hate the boss' attitude.
People have been, since cave man days, going through life feeling they always get the bad deal, feeling someone 'shit' on them, feeling they were cheated. It's their personal choice of attitude and it's not contagious so I don't have to catch it.
I am not responsible for other people's attitude, if they say or suggest I am, they are coping out and are not willing to take responsibility for their own attitude and their own choices of how they choose to respond to situations or other people.
I also like knowing I have money going into payroll savings every week, that my debt load is dropping every week, I like knowing I am getting my life, my finances back into some order that I am comfortable with.
And I like knowing I make the choices for how I spend my earnings, it gives me a cheerful attitude to know I have bills paid on time or early, that I can pay extra on credit debt, that I can get the co-pays on medical bills paid off.
Physically I might never bounce with joy again, but I like having that feeling back inside me, it took a long and hard battle to get some of that 'happy' stuff back. But it's back, even when I am hurting a lot at work, I still have a lot of that 'happy' just glowing out.
And it feeds my energy levels, I like that, so even when I hurt a lot, I can push me harder to do what needs done. If my co-worker, on the 2 nights we do work together, chooses to spend most of his work shift sitting on his butt with his big feet propped up on a desk, that is his choice.
But I will no longer be the dept. scapegoat for the others to dump on, I am not the only 1 working on Tuesday and Wed. and I am not going to be in the office about what I did or did not get done on those nights or if I left a few minutes early.
No, it's not all my job, they are not paying me more per hour to do more work than that lazy, sour, bad attitude I work with on those days. And 3rd shift can help pull his load, especially the brown hatted union steward who protects that man's back, who favors him, and who has managed to help him keep or get back his job over and over.
He is on his last chance, and I know he and good old pal union steward want to get him moved to the job bid he won before he gets another write up or causes any problems. 1 more 'anything' and he will be permanently out of the plant. He's managed to get his 'rope' that short and me, I would be quite happy if that rope frayed through and dropped him.
I know the added hours and work load would be very hard on me, but the freedom from stress would be well worth some of the pain and being beat tired.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Changes
The season is changing, the trees are loosing their leaves and despite the 75 degrees today I know fall is here. Another summer has come and gone here in IL, but I didn't make much progress with the garden or the flower beds or with the old house renovations.
I did make a lot of progress with healing from the January car accident. And now I will work on dealing with the changes that has made in me, in my abilities and in who I have become.
I'm really glad to be home now, it was a long and busy work day for me, all the work shifts are long and pain filled hours now, and I miss the ability to put in an 8 hour shift and go skipping out of the plant with plenty of energy to work in the garden or go some place.
But I have made over 3 weeks back in the plant, and each week I gain a bit more strength and things get just a tiny bit easier. It will be a long and slow improvement but I am doing my share of the work load.
I'm hoping State Farm will get this settled fast once I have my final doctor appointment. I have moved it up to mid-November. I would like to know all the medical bills are paid, that I no longer have those co-pays to worry about fitting into my budget and can instead work on the co-pays on my doctor/medical bills from the appendix project and on paying down that huge amount of credit debt I have now (again).
Think about M.F. and wonder how he is doing but won't reply to either of the 2 e-mails he sent me, just filed them away. I don't know why he lied about that huge mortgage he was on, and think there is a big chance he is also on that credit debt he said she had. I know financially I cannot and will not deal with that debt load.
I will deal with my debt load and my old house with the leaking roof. I will deal with my foot and leg and my problems. And I will hope he has a good life and that he is doing well but I know not checking and not communicating is what is in my best interest.
And I am not going to get involved 'romantically' or sexually with D. H. again, but will be glad we have a friendship of sorts. It's not a close and tight friendship and I don't want that at this time with anyone. I don't have much to give to a relationship right now and I might never have much to give.
That doesn't bother or worry me, it's where I am 'at' in my life at this time and place. I need my life for me right now and I need to not worry about others and about their problems.
I'm really hurting a lot tonight so will do the futon and tv and my knitting and Kid for company and be very glad I don't work day shift tomorrow.
I need to make a list of what needs paid and have a budget plan for the coming paycheck, that is something I need to start working on so I have bills paid on time once again and so that I can know what needs paid and when once again.
I did make a lot of progress with healing from the January car accident. And now I will work on dealing with the changes that has made in me, in my abilities and in who I have become.
I'm really glad to be home now, it was a long and busy work day for me, all the work shifts are long and pain filled hours now, and I miss the ability to put in an 8 hour shift and go skipping out of the plant with plenty of energy to work in the garden or go some place.
But I have made over 3 weeks back in the plant, and each week I gain a bit more strength and things get just a tiny bit easier. It will be a long and slow improvement but I am doing my share of the work load.
I'm hoping State Farm will get this settled fast once I have my final doctor appointment. I have moved it up to mid-November. I would like to know all the medical bills are paid, that I no longer have those co-pays to worry about fitting into my budget and can instead work on the co-pays on my doctor/medical bills from the appendix project and on paying down that huge amount of credit debt I have now (again).
Think about M.F. and wonder how he is doing but won't reply to either of the 2 e-mails he sent me, just filed them away. I don't know why he lied about that huge mortgage he was on, and think there is a big chance he is also on that credit debt he said she had. I know financially I cannot and will not deal with that debt load.
I will deal with my debt load and my old house with the leaking roof. I will deal with my foot and leg and my problems. And I will hope he has a good life and that he is doing well but I know not checking and not communicating is what is in my best interest.
And I am not going to get involved 'romantically' or sexually with D. H. again, but will be glad we have a friendship of sorts. It's not a close and tight friendship and I don't want that at this time with anyone. I don't have much to give to a relationship right now and I might never have much to give.
That doesn't bother or worry me, it's where I am 'at' in my life at this time and place. I need my life for me right now and I need to not worry about others and about their problems.
I'm really hurting a lot tonight so will do the futon and tv and my knitting and Kid for company and be very glad I don't work day shift tomorrow.
I need to make a list of what needs paid and have a budget plan for the coming paycheck, that is something I need to start working on so I have bills paid on time once again and so that I can know what needs paid and when once again.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Back to work, back to dealing with my co-workers
I was raised with really good work ethics, and I like them. I like doing a good job, co-operating with management and trying to get along. That's not the norm where I am working, and I get stressed but I know I can't change those people and I won't let them change me. I like being the person I am and if that is a problem for them, it's their problem, not mine.
I get stressed a bit faster now but the stresses are different. I don't feel responsible for their poor work, or that I need to 'fix' what they have done wrong and I no longer am bothered by the union steward's attitude or by the head games they play.
I am back at work, in time I will have the settlement of this auto accident behind me, and those medical bills behind me. I will keep working on my old house and I will keep on paying down my credit debt, cleaning up and doing stuff with my tiny lot here.
I am not going to get upset about the weight I have gained, it's not much but those 10+ year old Rockies don't fit and I have left them off at the local charity, and I have a few other things I will drop off. I will buy new and larger jeans, I don't need to wear my pants like paper on the wall and I don't have to dress to suit anyone except myself now.
I did go to the western wear store in Springfield today and tried on a pair of jeans but didn't buy them. I knew I could find the same or similar for a lower price on line. I haven't shopped for anything other than work clothes and yarns, dolls for years.
I am glad I was able to work overtime yesterday and I will willingly work overtime every chance I get, and I don't really give a shit if some of the rest of supply crew get in a snit, whine or otherwise get ugly.
My life isn't perfect but I am working very hard to put it back together after the car accident ripped it to pieces. It's been a long and hard 8-9 months and I will not let those nasty attitudes at work damage what I have worked so hard to rebuild.
I didn't check my lottery tickets, until I check them I can still dream acres out of town and a monolithic dome house and all that other stuff.
Well, it's time to shut this down and knit on my current sweater or Jake's socks, relax as I know I will have a busy Saturday and maybe even 12 hours.
I get stressed a bit faster now but the stresses are different. I don't feel responsible for their poor work, or that I need to 'fix' what they have done wrong and I no longer am bothered by the union steward's attitude or by the head games they play.
I am back at work, in time I will have the settlement of this auto accident behind me, and those medical bills behind me. I will keep working on my old house and I will keep on paying down my credit debt, cleaning up and doing stuff with my tiny lot here.
I am not going to get upset about the weight I have gained, it's not much but those 10+ year old Rockies don't fit and I have left them off at the local charity, and I have a few other things I will drop off. I will buy new and larger jeans, I don't need to wear my pants like paper on the wall and I don't have to dress to suit anyone except myself now.
I did go to the western wear store in Springfield today and tried on a pair of jeans but didn't buy them. I knew I could find the same or similar for a lower price on line. I haven't shopped for anything other than work clothes and yarns, dolls for years.
I am glad I was able to work overtime yesterday and I will willingly work overtime every chance I get, and I don't really give a shit if some of the rest of supply crew get in a snit, whine or otherwise get ugly.
My life isn't perfect but I am working very hard to put it back together after the car accident ripped it to pieces. It's been a long and hard 8-9 months and I will not let those nasty attitudes at work damage what I have worked so hard to rebuild.
I didn't check my lottery tickets, until I check them I can still dream acres out of town and a monolithic dome house and all that other stuff.
Well, it's time to shut this down and knit on my current sweater or Jake's socks, relax as I know I will have a busy Saturday and maybe even 12 hours.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
What I'm really missing lately
Somehow last night at work I was thinking about what all is going on in the world and how much I really, really MISS having someone to talk to that really talks about the global economic condition, about who is really funding political campaigns, about what wind generators might or might not do. I miss having someone who will push me to use my brains, to think, to dig out the facts and to form my own opinion on some huge issues.
My grandfather is the 1 who first pushed me to think and use my brains, from the time I was 8 or 9, he had me reading adult books on religion, politics, history, you name it, he had an interest, he had me reading so he had someone to debate with, to talk with, to think with.
And Sam, Ben and Jake's dad, that man used his brains, we had subscriptions to some heavy news and science publications, we read them, we watched the news, we talked and debated and weighed the issues, long talks, lots of brain work.
Now I feel like I live in a 'brain vacuum' and although I know some great and very special people, none of them seem to want to think hard, chase facts, read/watch and think about what is going on around us.
I miss that, I want to talk to someone about the foreclosure issues, about wind power and where it might be going, about water rights and water shortages world wide and what that will/might do to us and everyone in the coming years. I want to discuss and debate the climate change and what we really do know, what the facts are.
It's no wonder I find so many people boring if I spend much time with them. And find men to be often not worth my time now. It's not that I don't like them, but if they don't really use their brains and think beyond their own lives, conversation with them gets dull and boring.
I don't think I have become hugely different because of this accident in January but I do know I don't want to waste my time on boring people when it comes to being a part of my real personal time and space.
I value the friendship D.H. and I now have, but it won't ever go back to a sexual relationship, he doesn't think far enough outside of his world. And I don't want sex just because a man wants it, I have no interest or desire for sex right now, and I am very ok with that. And my personal time is very limited now that I am back at work and my work hours, split shift, days on the weekend, 2nd shift Monday-Wedensday makes it hard to have any quality time with someone who works different hours.
Now that the Free Methodist church in Rushville is doing Bible Study on Sunday evenings I can attend that, not the same as church and Sunday School, I miss that but love my work schedule that I have. So, I will make the effort to go to Rushville after a very busy work shift and enjoy Bible Study on Sunday evenings but I will not make the effort to go to Springfield with D.H. to eat out and play.
I want to move beyond where this accident has me, I want to like who I have become now, I know I have changed in ways I am still figuring out, not huge changes but sure did sort out what really matters to me and who I really am.
Today makes my last work day of my work week, I need to get some more work done in the garden clean up and I have plans to go to Springfield Friday and I need to get the finances in good order and the checkbook register in order before that happens and get a few bills paid and know what bills I will be paying in the next few weeks so I can start getting a working budget and pattern for my finances once again. More paperwork, man, my life seems to revolve around paperwork.
My grandfather is the 1 who first pushed me to think and use my brains, from the time I was 8 or 9, he had me reading adult books on religion, politics, history, you name it, he had an interest, he had me reading so he had someone to debate with, to talk with, to think with.
And Sam, Ben and Jake's dad, that man used his brains, we had subscriptions to some heavy news and science publications, we read them, we watched the news, we talked and debated and weighed the issues, long talks, lots of brain work.
Now I feel like I live in a 'brain vacuum' and although I know some great and very special people, none of them seem to want to think hard, chase facts, read/watch and think about what is going on around us.
I miss that, I want to talk to someone about the foreclosure issues, about wind power and where it might be going, about water rights and water shortages world wide and what that will/might do to us and everyone in the coming years. I want to discuss and debate the climate change and what we really do know, what the facts are.
It's no wonder I find so many people boring if I spend much time with them. And find men to be often not worth my time now. It's not that I don't like them, but if they don't really use their brains and think beyond their own lives, conversation with them gets dull and boring.
I don't think I have become hugely different because of this accident in January but I do know I don't want to waste my time on boring people when it comes to being a part of my real personal time and space.
I value the friendship D.H. and I now have, but it won't ever go back to a sexual relationship, he doesn't think far enough outside of his world. And I don't want sex just because a man wants it, I have no interest or desire for sex right now, and I am very ok with that. And my personal time is very limited now that I am back at work and my work hours, split shift, days on the weekend, 2nd shift Monday-Wedensday makes it hard to have any quality time with someone who works different hours.
Now that the Free Methodist church in Rushville is doing Bible Study on Sunday evenings I can attend that, not the same as church and Sunday School, I miss that but love my work schedule that I have. So, I will make the effort to go to Rushville after a very busy work shift and enjoy Bible Study on Sunday evenings but I will not make the effort to go to Springfield with D.H. to eat out and play.
I want to move beyond where this accident has me, I want to like who I have become now, I know I have changed in ways I am still figuring out, not huge changes but sure did sort out what really matters to me and who I really am.
Today makes my last work day of my work week, I need to get some more work done in the garden clean up and I have plans to go to Springfield Friday and I need to get the finances in good order and the checkbook register in order before that happens and get a few bills paid and know what bills I will be paying in the next few weeks so I can start getting a working budget and pattern for my finances once again. More paperwork, man, my life seems to revolve around paperwork.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Trying to pick up those pieces
Well, I'm back at work finally and have seen a lawyer about this accident and the settlement. IL state laws limit the amount the auto insurance company can be made to pay out to the value of the policy. I do have a right to a certified copy of that policy and must request it in writing. So, that means after all the bills are paid I will receive very little from this accident.
I did get my lost wages while I was off work and am glad mark young carried a policy high enough for that and the medical bills.
When I think of how much I have lost mobility wise, how farther behind financially I am now, when I think about the 8.5+ months of my life spent with recovery and pain, of the pain I get to live with the rest of my life...
It's a huge black hole that I will not let myself be sucked down into. I am going to get my finances back into working order, I am going to take care of my little place, the old house and the tiny lot it sits on.
I will not let Mark Young's poor choices in life ruin mine. It has changed it but I will not let it ruin my life.
This accident has changed the person I am, in ways I am still figuring out, but I can live with the woman I am. I am tougher, I am meaner, I have less tolerance for others, both at work and in my personal life.
I have so much emotional hurt and anger over this accident and there's not much I can do with it. Mark Young is dead, writing his widow an ugly letter doesn't do much to change anything for the better in my life and she wasn't in that car, she wasn't driving it. They had a fight over his adultery but she did not make the decision to pass those 2 cars at high speed or to not try to minimize the impact to the oncoming vehicle, my little red truck.
I am back at work, I have a tiny bit each week going into savings, I can pay my own bills once again on my earnings, and State Farm will get the medical bills from this accident paid and off my back.
My credit stinks now but I will work on paying down the credit debt and I will work on tightening my budget, getting more practical about money.
This old house comes first, I have to be able to keep working on the repairs, that leaking roof has to be fixed as soon as possible. I have to get that credit debt paid off and some of those accounts closed. I cannot afford to live like I have in the past, it's time to make some personal changes IF I want my life to be workable, if I want this old house repaired.
I have to live in this world, and not spend too much time dreaming about what it could have been or what the lottery would do but deal with the here and now.
Winter is coming and I need to plan for that, the furnace needs a new filter and that needs done soon. I do have 1 air conditioner out but I need to either remove the 1 in my bedroom or cover the outside again this year.
Kid will need a house and some sort of heating in that this winter if Ben isn't living here, it will be too cold for him to be out all the hours I am at work without some heat.
But I have some really good solid friends and I have my job, my sewing and knitting and I will get through this, it won't be easy. But the past 9 months have not been easy either.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
I'm finally back to work
Today was my first day, it felt so good to be walking back into the plant. I have so much to catch up on, some new stock, some stuff has moved to different locations, some new procedures and new policy changes. But I will work with someone for a few days while I get caught back up and that helps.
It will take some long and hard work weeks for my body to adjust to being back at work again. And I know I will have a lot of pain from the damaged foot and from the change in my gait. But at least now I can feel like there is a start to getting my life back into some sort of livable order.
Did have a 'congrats' e-mail from the MF but put it into a file and will not reply. That is a door that is closed and I am not even going to open a window a smidge in that direction, not at this time and probably not ever.
Do have a lot that has to be dealt with in the coming months, do know finances will be terribly tight for months as I get medical bills paid on and the house payment caught up and so forth.
But at least I am heading in the right direction finally.
Maybe I will start sleeping better, maybe some of the nightmares will slow down, better yet, maybe they will even end.
I'm not making a lot of knitting progress on the red Aran but know it will get done soon, won't knit on it when I am so tired as I make mistakes and then have to rip it back and re-knit and that's no progress either.
Time to shut down and get the dog walked and get to bed
It will take some long and hard work weeks for my body to adjust to being back at work again. And I know I will have a lot of pain from the damaged foot and from the change in my gait. But at least now I can feel like there is a start to getting my life back into some sort of livable order.
Did have a 'congrats' e-mail from the MF but put it into a file and will not reply. That is a door that is closed and I am not even going to open a window a smidge in that direction, not at this time and probably not ever.
Do have a lot that has to be dealt with in the coming months, do know finances will be terribly tight for months as I get medical bills paid on and the house payment caught up and so forth.
But at least I am heading in the right direction finally.
Maybe I will start sleeping better, maybe some of the nightmares will slow down, better yet, maybe they will even end.
I'm not making a lot of knitting progress on the red Aran but know it will get done soon, won't knit on it when I am so tired as I make mistakes and then have to rip it back and re-knit and that's no progress either.
Time to shut down and get the dog walked and get to bed
Friday, September 17, 2010
Attitude, working on attitude
I get so vexed and stressed fast now, know that will be a problem with work if I don't start dealing with it now. I have so little control over things now, or so it feels, my whole life seems to have slipped out of my grasp.
Patience and I have always battled, I can sit and cane a chair for hours, can knit for hours, it helpes me control me, but that does not do all the other things I just cannot put my hands on and work my way.
State Farm doesn't have my lost wages check yet, agent is out of the office and was out yesterday, another agent could do it but I can wait until Monday and I am going to wait until Monday. Things are not always on my time schedule and making myself wait helps me with that not having it on my schedule but making my schedule work with what makes the most practical sense and works for others.
Letting go of the new bike really makes waves in my head, it's another one of those things I have to accept giving up because of this accident. And at times the price is so bloody damn high, and I know the rest of my life I will pay over and over because 1 man was in a big hurry and pulled into the west bound lane to pass several cars when the traffic conditions were unsafe.
He is very dead, and I am still alive, he had very good insurance, I had no pre-existing medical conditions that this accident aggrivated, all my mobility issues are because of this accident.
So, there will, in time, be a really good settlement, all those medical bills paid, Ben will be paid for the time he spent taking care of me when I was unable to care for myself, for the mowing he did when I was unable to mow my own lawn. And the cash settlement that will, in time, be paid to me will change a lot of things in my life, financially.
But it will never give me back the balance I used to have, the ability to roller skate, to dance, to work on roofs, to go up and down stairs easily. I won't ever run again and I can't ride a bike very easily. I'm getting used to some pain all the time, have to think about it to decide if I hurt more than 'normal' or not.
God has really taken good care of me, my life is rich with blessings and I do know and appreciate that, but walking my dog is a hard and pain filled walk that I force myself to do, knowing it's good for the dog and for me. Knowing walking now will make those first days at work just a bit easier.
And I used to go skipping into the plant, filled with joy, and I want ALL of that back and am afraid I have lost most of it and might loose all of it. I am afraid I will not be able to keep my job and all the wonderful benefits that come with it and the way it makes me feel about me. That most of all, it makes me feel worthwhile and valuable and important.
If I can't work, I don't know where I will find value in the person I will then be--disabled, at 54, will I look in my mirror and see a disabled cripple? Or will I find myself a new image?
That life roadmap is still mangled pieces I can't find a way to re-assemble and that too scares me.
Patience and I have always battled, I can sit and cane a chair for hours, can knit for hours, it helpes me control me, but that does not do all the other things I just cannot put my hands on and work my way.
State Farm doesn't have my lost wages check yet, agent is out of the office and was out yesterday, another agent could do it but I can wait until Monday and I am going to wait until Monday. Things are not always on my time schedule and making myself wait helps me with that not having it on my schedule but making my schedule work with what makes the most practical sense and works for others.
Letting go of the new bike really makes waves in my head, it's another one of those things I have to accept giving up because of this accident. And at times the price is so bloody damn high, and I know the rest of my life I will pay over and over because 1 man was in a big hurry and pulled into the west bound lane to pass several cars when the traffic conditions were unsafe.
He is very dead, and I am still alive, he had very good insurance, I had no pre-existing medical conditions that this accident aggrivated, all my mobility issues are because of this accident.
So, there will, in time, be a really good settlement, all those medical bills paid, Ben will be paid for the time he spent taking care of me when I was unable to care for myself, for the mowing he did when I was unable to mow my own lawn. And the cash settlement that will, in time, be paid to me will change a lot of things in my life, financially.
But it will never give me back the balance I used to have, the ability to roller skate, to dance, to work on roofs, to go up and down stairs easily. I won't ever run again and I can't ride a bike very easily. I'm getting used to some pain all the time, have to think about it to decide if I hurt more than 'normal' or not.
God has really taken good care of me, my life is rich with blessings and I do know and appreciate that, but walking my dog is a hard and pain filled walk that I force myself to do, knowing it's good for the dog and for me. Knowing walking now will make those first days at work just a bit easier.
And I used to go skipping into the plant, filled with joy, and I want ALL of that back and am afraid I have lost most of it and might loose all of it. I am afraid I will not be able to keep my job and all the wonderful benefits that come with it and the way it makes me feel about me. That most of all, it makes me feel worthwhile and valuable and important.
If I can't work, I don't know where I will find value in the person I will then be--disabled, at 54, will I look in my mirror and see a disabled cripple? Or will I find myself a new image?
That life roadmap is still mangled pieces I can't find a way to re-assemble and that too scares me.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Strange Dreams
Sunday night I dreamed about a baby camel that was dying of thirst and a UPS? van went and parked in my way when I was trying to pack water to the baby camel. Now, why I dreamed about a baby camel here in my back yard I have NO idea, or why I didn't just use the hose and water tap. I have 3 outside, no freeze taps, and hoses...Kid woke me up and so I don't know what happened. And I sure don't understand that dream.
Last night's dream was that 20+ acres I hope to own and planting trees and watching the house start up. And I still can't see that floor plan so guess I better play with my rough plans again. I have decided I need a library area that can display dolls and have a lot of the books and something that can easily turn into sleeping space for a guest.
The skies are blue, I hope to get started on caning that chair today while it's nice, it's a job that works best outside as it's a wet job.
Love the striped sweater and need to wash and block it, it's getting time to seriously think about buying a sweater board for blocking/drying my sweaters on. I own 3 good hand knit sweaters and this last 1 has to be hand washed and dryed. The blue one should be, but the pink Gansey is very machine washable and dryable. I love that Regia silk blend sock yarn and want enough in fingering wt to knit another sweater. The sport weight one is great but heavy sweater, would be nice to have one in a lighter weight.
Kid is busy this morning and I need to take us for a walk, it's been too many days that I have not walked us.
I think the foot is about as healed up as it will get, and I hope the foot and I do well at Cargill, that State FArm and I can get things settled by early in the coming year. That I can have that piece of land I want and build a good, solid, handicapped planned house and plant my trees and flowers and build my life into something worth having.
Last night's dream was that 20+ acres I hope to own and planting trees and watching the house start up. And I still can't see that floor plan so guess I better play with my rough plans again. I have decided I need a library area that can display dolls and have a lot of the books and something that can easily turn into sleeping space for a guest.
The skies are blue, I hope to get started on caning that chair today while it's nice, it's a job that works best outside as it's a wet job.
Love the striped sweater and need to wash and block it, it's getting time to seriously think about buying a sweater board for blocking/drying my sweaters on. I own 3 good hand knit sweaters and this last 1 has to be hand washed and dryed. The blue one should be, but the pink Gansey is very machine washable and dryable. I love that Regia silk blend sock yarn and want enough in fingering wt to knit another sweater. The sport weight one is great but heavy sweater, would be nice to have one in a lighter weight.
Kid is busy this morning and I need to take us for a walk, it's been too many days that I have not walked us.
I think the foot is about as healed up as it will get, and I hope the foot and I do well at Cargill, that State FArm and I can get things settled by early in the coming year. That I can have that piece of land I want and build a good, solid, handicapped planned house and plant my trees and flowers and build my life into something worth having.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Rains and phone calls
It's gray and we've had light rains but not enough to wake me with water dripping on my head, I did move the bed out, just in case. Jake called around 4 am, long line waiting to call home so he couldn't talk long, he's ok, glad laptop got here and said the power cord was stolen so I now can safely order 1 and not find the original showing up in the mail.
Thnat man sent me an e-mail, he's reading the other blog, don't think he can easily find this one, I hope not, I want someplace I can write freely and express myself freely and so now have a 2nd blog. I just do better with a keyboard now than a pen and journal.
He says he took care of the capital gains taxes when the salvage yard was sold, he says he will take care of his income taxes, says he never set out to decieve me, and will deal with the mortgage and foreclosure. OK, ok, ya, ya.
But that does not change the facts, he and Annette went from financially stable to poverty and deep in debt, that he did not re-invest that money from the sold business that made his living into something that would make him a living again. And that a very overpriced and poorly designed house was built and that mortgage that he was clearly on, he very clearly lied to me about being on.
I can honestly say I miss the phone conversations with him, and putting him out of my life was not an easy choice but it was the long term smart choice, both financially and emotionally. He and I do not see or handle financal matters the same, our priorities are different, and what we want or see for the future are far different.
I cannot see a reason to try and continue any sort of 'friendship' with him. I don't have a lot of friends, by my own choice, and I do not need a lot of men friends, or I can say I have enough good solid ones that are here.
The trust and believe in him as someone I could build something with is gone, and I don't want him to decieve himself or anyone else into thinking we might have a future together. He did not 'blow' that, his financial management was something that was 'lurking' in the back and would have come to the surface sometime, it's better for me that it happened as quickly as it did.
So, the basic foundation materials were not there for me to be able to build a long term and committed relationship with that man. I am, at 54, not willing to take on someone with that much debt load, that long history of financial/life management and health management that is so far different from how I do such things.
I am not going to change who I am and I am not going to ever be 'ok' with such a huge difference in things that matter to me. I just am not willing to help support and provide for a man who has not taken care of himself and his financial matters for his own future and life. He has had more oppertunity to have built a solid base, more oppertunity to have some security for his later years but has not. He took vacations and did that cruise ship thing more than once but neglected to invest some money into his own health and dental care.
I have had some vacations, doll conventions but my financial stability was first and taking care of my body, keeping it healthy has always been something I have done. I have lived far more stable than he has, although he has earned more than me, has had the ability to earn more than me.
We make very different choices with a lot of things. I admit I have major security issues and trust issues, I will not trust anyone when it comes to finances, I want proof and I want paperwork, finances are business. I will not put my long term security and life in the hands of someone else, it's my responsibility to ensure my future, not theirs, and my job to take care of, make the decisions for that life and also decide it's direction.
I did put the e-mail in a file but I am not going to answer it. I need to walk away, and I have done that, I need to keep him out of my life and I will continue to do that. I do now know that we have no future together, I am not sure we could have ever made it work when we were young. There is no turning back time, the years have gone and I am moving foreward with my life in the directions it needs to go.
Thnat man sent me an e-mail, he's reading the other blog, don't think he can easily find this one, I hope not, I want someplace I can write freely and express myself freely and so now have a 2nd blog. I just do better with a keyboard now than a pen and journal.
He says he took care of the capital gains taxes when the salvage yard was sold, he says he will take care of his income taxes, says he never set out to decieve me, and will deal with the mortgage and foreclosure. OK, ok, ya, ya.
But that does not change the facts, he and Annette went from financially stable to poverty and deep in debt, that he did not re-invest that money from the sold business that made his living into something that would make him a living again. And that a very overpriced and poorly designed house was built and that mortgage that he was clearly on, he very clearly lied to me about being on.
I can honestly say I miss the phone conversations with him, and putting him out of my life was not an easy choice but it was the long term smart choice, both financially and emotionally. He and I do not see or handle financal matters the same, our priorities are different, and what we want or see for the future are far different.
I cannot see a reason to try and continue any sort of 'friendship' with him. I don't have a lot of friends, by my own choice, and I do not need a lot of men friends, or I can say I have enough good solid ones that are here.
The trust and believe in him as someone I could build something with is gone, and I don't want him to decieve himself or anyone else into thinking we might have a future together. He did not 'blow' that, his financial management was something that was 'lurking' in the back and would have come to the surface sometime, it's better for me that it happened as quickly as it did.
So, the basic foundation materials were not there for me to be able to build a long term and committed relationship with that man. I am, at 54, not willing to take on someone with that much debt load, that long history of financial/life management and health management that is so far different from how I do such things.
I am not going to change who I am and I am not going to ever be 'ok' with such a huge difference in things that matter to me. I just am not willing to help support and provide for a man who has not taken care of himself and his financial matters for his own future and life. He has had more oppertunity to have built a solid base, more oppertunity to have some security for his later years but has not. He took vacations and did that cruise ship thing more than once but neglected to invest some money into his own health and dental care.
I have had some vacations, doll conventions but my financial stability was first and taking care of my body, keeping it healthy has always been something I have done. I have lived far more stable than he has, although he has earned more than me, has had the ability to earn more than me.
We make very different choices with a lot of things. I admit I have major security issues and trust issues, I will not trust anyone when it comes to finances, I want proof and I want paperwork, finances are business. I will not put my long term security and life in the hands of someone else, it's my responsibility to ensure my future, not theirs, and my job to take care of, make the decisions for that life and also decide it's direction.
I did put the e-mail in a file but I am not going to answer it. I need to walk away, and I have done that, I need to keep him out of my life and I will continue to do that. I do now know that we have no future together, I am not sure we could have ever made it work when we were young. There is no turning back time, the years have gone and I am moving foreward with my life in the directions it needs to go.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
A new month, a new attitude???
I am going to work on some attitude improvement, some more patience with my body and it's healing, less with my #2 son who really needs to do more than camp out in my living room and play games and sleep or go play with his gal pal. I told him he gets a 30 day move out notice when he was here today.
I am going to push myself to do more on the neglected sewing and knitting projects, and see if I can get some things done and out of the way. I have the new chair ready to cane, and am waiting for the cane to get here.
I do have most of the paperwork I need to get done ready for State Farm, shoes and sweater replacement stuff and started 1 for all the trips to the doctor, that 1 I will not print out yet as I will have probably at least 1 or 2 more visits to Dr. Mulshine before being released to work.
I have a lot of concerns about my foot tolerating the work load, Right now I think the odds of my foot making the work load is about 50-75% and that discourages me. But I do know the foot has come a long way, the pain has dropped a lot, the swelling issues are also less so there has been huge progress. And I could be dealing with far worse injuries.
I am making progress on keeping the budget tighter and better in balance, and in making sure I get the groceries bought and in cooking meals and keeping me fed in a timely mannor. I still have bouts of depression or anger, but not as often or as long lasting. I am trying to not be discouraged at what I haven't gotten done on this house, on my debt load, in my garden in the past 8 months.
I have done what I could, have not slacked off very much, and at times have pushed my foot very hard, there is no way I could have gotten the north bathroom window changed out but I could have kept a tighter rein on my finances and had less credit debt by now. I have spent too much on dolls and other not necessary things.
The trips out west were also added money and credit spent that might or might not been the wisest decisions but I got to know a lot, see a lot and then made some better decisions long term because of those long conversations. Ones that will protect my financial stability long term so the cost balances out well for me.
I'm glad Kid has come into my life, and do not begrudge the costs or the fact that he just romped on my damaged foot. He doesn't know and he is doing well for a young pup, a very big, young pup.
And some day I will not be living in a house with a roof that leaks on my head.
I am going to push myself to do more on the neglected sewing and knitting projects, and see if I can get some things done and out of the way. I have the new chair ready to cane, and am waiting for the cane to get here.
I do have most of the paperwork I need to get done ready for State Farm, shoes and sweater replacement stuff and started 1 for all the trips to the doctor, that 1 I will not print out yet as I will have probably at least 1 or 2 more visits to Dr. Mulshine before being released to work.
I have a lot of concerns about my foot tolerating the work load, Right now I think the odds of my foot making the work load is about 50-75% and that discourages me. But I do know the foot has come a long way, the pain has dropped a lot, the swelling issues are also less so there has been huge progress. And I could be dealing with far worse injuries.
I am making progress on keeping the budget tighter and better in balance, and in making sure I get the groceries bought and in cooking meals and keeping me fed in a timely mannor. I still have bouts of depression or anger, but not as often or as long lasting. I am trying to not be discouraged at what I haven't gotten done on this house, on my debt load, in my garden in the past 8 months.
I have done what I could, have not slacked off very much, and at times have pushed my foot very hard, there is no way I could have gotten the north bathroom window changed out but I could have kept a tighter rein on my finances and had less credit debt by now. I have spent too much on dolls and other not necessary things.
The trips out west were also added money and credit spent that might or might not been the wisest decisions but I got to know a lot, see a lot and then made some better decisions long term because of those long conversations. Ones that will protect my financial stability long term so the cost balances out well for me.
I'm glad Kid has come into my life, and do not begrudge the costs or the fact that he just romped on my damaged foot. He doesn't know and he is doing well for a young pup, a very big, young pup.
And some day I will not be living in a house with a roof that leaks on my head.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Talking with God, looking for answers
I'm doing a lot of talkng with God today, lots rattling around in my head, no answers and no idea of direction and feeling lost once again in my life. I know this accident isn't helping and neither was the emergency appendix surgery a week ago. I could not avoid either of those things, and I have to deal with them and the results of them in my life. And they will take time to work out too, healing time with the appendix and both healing and settlement issues with the foot.
I have so many thoughts and questions about Mike and his lies/deceptions and wonder the why of so much of it. I think the fantasy of that lost love was a part, maybe, like the person getting ready to go to that school reunion and wanting to look better, more successful than they really are. We humans have so many vunerable spots. We will diet, exercize, color our hair, rent a car, you name it, all so that those old classmates will think our lives are better than they really are, that we are more successful then we are.
It works in book plots, but it doesn't work in real life. And lies about huge financial problems is a real good way to sink a relationship, the lies about that mortgage were started before my accident. I can't feel a man really loves or cares about me when he's hiding something that can end up with me living in poverty the rest of my life because we are buried under his debts, debts that I had nothing to do with the creation of.
Now, I know about that lie, that deception, I have to wonder about other things and I have to accept I will not have answers and I am not going out looking for them. This is something I need to let go and put behind me, stuff that is not my business now.
I have no idea how much longer I will be off work, and what I will face when I do go back to work, if my foot will tolerate the job duties and hours. Right now I am not even doing any good at dreaming about what I will do with either this house or a new place, I can't even think on landscaping plans.
But I do know the next few days will be busy with Otto, Don's funneral is tomorrow, we have Lin-care coming Tuesday to pick up their oxygen stuff and hopefully to get a load in my truck to go to GoodWill in Jacksonville and be donated. There is so much stuff over at Otto's that needs to be done and I will help him with all I can do, but he also will have to start making some decisions for himself for his future.
I need to finish a letter to Jake, wish he would call so I knew he was doing ok, I keep him in my prayers and trust in God to take care of my boy. He's such a great kid, he's growing into such a good man and I so want to see him grow and become all he can be.
This appendix stuff has added to my stress, not any thing I can do about the timing or my appendix needing removed, or that it takes time to heal from surgery, sure glad I have been working on keeping my co-pay for my health insurance at Cargill paid and I need to check on that too. And I need copies of both hospitals records for filing claims with American, again. At least this time I know I file a seperate claim for each thing.
Right now I can't think about what next week might be like, or dream of what I would like my living room to look like once it's done, either in this house or the monolithic I would like to have built. Somehow, once again, all that dreaming has run into wall, and I am so tired of feeling my life is on hold or ran into a wall.
Patience with myself is something I struggle with, I know pushing my body will NOT speed the healing from this last surgery, everyone is telling me I am doing so well, and I guess, medically I am doing good but it seems like my body is really letting me down. I am not falling apart but it sure feels like it and the accident did not cause the appendix problems but I can't get healed up from the accident before I am back at Memorial for surgery.
I need to get through the next few days and I will and so will Otto, I need to heal up and I want the garden and my flower beds cleaned up, and I wanted to go back to my job and get some pattern back to my days.
I have so many thoughts and questions about Mike and his lies/deceptions and wonder the why of so much of it. I think the fantasy of that lost love was a part, maybe, like the person getting ready to go to that school reunion and wanting to look better, more successful than they really are. We humans have so many vunerable spots. We will diet, exercize, color our hair, rent a car, you name it, all so that those old classmates will think our lives are better than they really are, that we are more successful then we are.
It works in book plots, but it doesn't work in real life. And lies about huge financial problems is a real good way to sink a relationship, the lies about that mortgage were started before my accident. I can't feel a man really loves or cares about me when he's hiding something that can end up with me living in poverty the rest of my life because we are buried under his debts, debts that I had nothing to do with the creation of.
Now, I know about that lie, that deception, I have to wonder about other things and I have to accept I will not have answers and I am not going out looking for them. This is something I need to let go and put behind me, stuff that is not my business now.
I have no idea how much longer I will be off work, and what I will face when I do go back to work, if my foot will tolerate the job duties and hours. Right now I am not even doing any good at dreaming about what I will do with either this house or a new place, I can't even think on landscaping plans.
But I do know the next few days will be busy with Otto, Don's funneral is tomorrow, we have Lin-care coming Tuesday to pick up their oxygen stuff and hopefully to get a load in my truck to go to GoodWill in Jacksonville and be donated. There is so much stuff over at Otto's that needs to be done and I will help him with all I can do, but he also will have to start making some decisions for himself for his future.
I need to finish a letter to Jake, wish he would call so I knew he was doing ok, I keep him in my prayers and trust in God to take care of my boy. He's such a great kid, he's growing into such a good man and I so want to see him grow and become all he can be.
This appendix stuff has added to my stress, not any thing I can do about the timing or my appendix needing removed, or that it takes time to heal from surgery, sure glad I have been working on keeping my co-pay for my health insurance at Cargill paid and I need to check on that too. And I need copies of both hospitals records for filing claims with American, again. At least this time I know I file a seperate claim for each thing.
Right now I can't think about what next week might be like, or dream of what I would like my living room to look like once it's done, either in this house or the monolithic I would like to have built. Somehow, once again, all that dreaming has run into wall, and I am so tired of feeling my life is on hold or ran into a wall.
Patience with myself is something I struggle with, I know pushing my body will NOT speed the healing from this last surgery, everyone is telling me I am doing so well, and I guess, medically I am doing good but it seems like my body is really letting me down. I am not falling apart but it sure feels like it and the accident did not cause the appendix problems but I can't get healed up from the accident before I am back at Memorial for surgery.
I need to get through the next few days and I will and so will Otto, I need to heal up and I want the garden and my flower beds cleaned up, and I wanted to go back to my job and get some pattern back to my days.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Working on 'moving on with life'
Now that my neighbor Don has passed away, his friend and care giver, Otto, has to learn to move on with his life, and to find a life that is not built around taking care of first Barb and then Don. I promised Don I would help Otto through this and with the details, and as I work on my life and getting it back in working order, I will help Otto with the physical details of his life too and the other 'emotional' stuff as much as I can.
Loads of details to setting up the funneral, to taking care of the provided and needs returned medical supplies, of disposing of old drugs no longer needed, of closing cell phone account. The clothes and such to donate, the surplus beds, surplus wheel chairs, the non-working tv's and so forth that need out and gone. The cleaning so Otto has a home he can be comfortable living in, the cats that need gone, put down. We work on it a little at a time, I can only do so much and it can't all be done in a day. It will take weeks, months to get order over there and it cleaner and safer.
And in the meantime I am working on my life too, the stuff that I need to do, my clean clothes put away, some things here stored, my financial house in tighter order, my personal life in better order.
Mike's call yesterday was 'considerate' and he expressed sympathy at Don's passing, was sorry to hear about my hospital stay with appendix and glad to hear I am healing. I did not hear a word of appology for lying about the mortgage in St. George Utah, or in his telling me I was the 1 wrong and I did not expect it. He did mention he can't seem to fix the block problem with Facebook to get back onto my friends list and would I please add him back on my friends list. That will not be happening, I removed all his family and friends and although his family are not a problem for me, I do not need him having any cyber 'windows's into my life and if any of them are on my friend list, he has that window, use their computer, get them to pull up my facebook when he is at their place so he can check up on me. No, no, he is someone I would like to please just go live his own life and leave me to live mine.
I know I make mistakes, and I know I am hot tempered, judgemental, procrastinate, opinionated, and far too independent. But in the meantme, I get my bills paid on time, I get things done that need done, I am someone my friends can lean on and depend on.
Kid now has tennis balls and loves them, and new chew bones for me to trip over, he's beside my bed when I am here on the bed, asleep or resting. And he is such good company for me, yes, he has cost me some $$ but most of the cost is paid out, vet bill, nutering, bed. I won't have as much of these costs now month from month, Shots might be every year but he only gets nutered once.
I did post photos at the Kish group but have several outfits there and nothing for sale is moving, I will have to go put a lot of doll outfits on watch at E-bay and see what sells and at what prices before deciding what I want to do. I might consider E-Bay but not until more things calm down in my life, if I can get that to happen.
Jake's current socks are going very slow, I need to knit more which probably means I need to do more down time and put my feet up and rest. And I have 2 sweaters that I have not worked on in months that are both for me and I cannot wear either until I am done knitting them.
I am so disappointed in the man Mike Ferrin seems to have become. When I was 16, when I was 20, I did not think I was 'good' enough for this boy home on leave. Now, I am 54, he is 57 and he's not at all the man I thought he would become, and he's also not the man he claims to be either.
I do know he is not a man who can become a quality part of my life, he is not someone who can add value and worth to my life, not emotionally and not financially. So, I can list what I can give to a relationship, now I want to know what a man plans to give to that same relationship.
I don't need sucked dry financially, and I don't need my head 'twisted' because only by messing with myu head ALOT will some man get me to make bloody stupid financial decisions that could ruin my financial stability.
This accident has not done that to me and Mike Ferrin will not do that to me. I am mad, I am indignant but I am not very emotionally hurt by the decision I made to step back from that relationship. First I stepped back, and that was my right, now I have stepped out of that relationship and I will not step back into it and I have closed cyber doors into my life for that man and I have the right to shut the doors and I know how to do it, or at least most of it.
I'm going to be ok, despite the car accident, despite the emergency appendicemy, despite my hard head and overly independent attitude.
Loads of details to setting up the funneral, to taking care of the provided and needs returned medical supplies, of disposing of old drugs no longer needed, of closing cell phone account. The clothes and such to donate, the surplus beds, surplus wheel chairs, the non-working tv's and so forth that need out and gone. The cleaning so Otto has a home he can be comfortable living in, the cats that need gone, put down. We work on it a little at a time, I can only do so much and it can't all be done in a day. It will take weeks, months to get order over there and it cleaner and safer.
And in the meantime I am working on my life too, the stuff that I need to do, my clean clothes put away, some things here stored, my financial house in tighter order, my personal life in better order.
Mike's call yesterday was 'considerate' and he expressed sympathy at Don's passing, was sorry to hear about my hospital stay with appendix and glad to hear I am healing. I did not hear a word of appology for lying about the mortgage in St. George Utah, or in his telling me I was the 1 wrong and I did not expect it. He did mention he can't seem to fix the block problem with Facebook to get back onto my friends list and would I please add him back on my friends list. That will not be happening, I removed all his family and friends and although his family are not a problem for me, I do not need him having any cyber 'windows's into my life and if any of them are on my friend list, he has that window, use their computer, get them to pull up my facebook when he is at their place so he can check up on me. No, no, he is someone I would like to please just go live his own life and leave me to live mine.
I know I make mistakes, and I know I am hot tempered, judgemental, procrastinate, opinionated, and far too independent. But in the meantme, I get my bills paid on time, I get things done that need done, I am someone my friends can lean on and depend on.
Kid now has tennis balls and loves them, and new chew bones for me to trip over, he's beside my bed when I am here on the bed, asleep or resting. And he is such good company for me, yes, he has cost me some $$ but most of the cost is paid out, vet bill, nutering, bed. I won't have as much of these costs now month from month, Shots might be every year but he only gets nutered once.
I did post photos at the Kish group but have several outfits there and nothing for sale is moving, I will have to go put a lot of doll outfits on watch at E-bay and see what sells and at what prices before deciding what I want to do. I might consider E-Bay but not until more things calm down in my life, if I can get that to happen.
Jake's current socks are going very slow, I need to knit more which probably means I need to do more down time and put my feet up and rest. And I have 2 sweaters that I have not worked on in months that are both for me and I cannot wear either until I am done knitting them.
I am so disappointed in the man Mike Ferrin seems to have become. When I was 16, when I was 20, I did not think I was 'good' enough for this boy home on leave. Now, I am 54, he is 57 and he's not at all the man I thought he would become, and he's also not the man he claims to be either.
I do know he is not a man who can become a quality part of my life, he is not someone who can add value and worth to my life, not emotionally and not financially. So, I can list what I can give to a relationship, now I want to know what a man plans to give to that same relationship.
I don't need sucked dry financially, and I don't need my head 'twisted' because only by messing with myu head ALOT will some man get me to make bloody stupid financial decisions that could ruin my financial stability.
This accident has not done that to me and Mike Ferrin will not do that to me. I am mad, I am indignant but I am not very emotionally hurt by the decision I made to step back from that relationship. First I stepped back, and that was my right, now I have stepped out of that relationship and I will not step back into it and I have closed cyber doors into my life for that man and I have the right to shut the doors and I know how to do it, or at least most of it.
I'm going to be ok, despite the car accident, despite the emergency appendicemy, despite my hard head and overly independent attitude.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Today was a good day
Jake called early this morning and pal Julie was here to spend most of the day. We had cornbread for our breakfast and while I prepped the chilies for the dryer Julie read the messages and comments that were sent to me and posted on my blog by the man I have/had been dating.
Wanted her opinion of what he was saying to see if she thought I was over reacting or any of the other things he brought up. She agreed that blocking his 'cyber stalking' was in my best interest and that all I have asked was that he get his financial house in stable order, back income taxes dealt with and both of us sign legal statements that protect our individual assets and property.
I want to believe that if our financial positions were reversed I would act far more considerate and deal with things in a business mannor instead of his telling me I have trust issues and I have never been loved before and just cannot accept someone loving and wanting to take care of me.
He needs a lot of dental work, he needs a doctor appointment so his maint. medications have new scripts so he can get those meds. He needs to be able to fill all those scripts instead of just part of them. He physically has a lot more problems pushing my small lawn mower than I do, and I am the person who was injured in a car accident and have had 2 surgeries in the past 7 months on my right foot and leg.
I don't see how he can take care of me when he isn't taking good care of himself, I cannot see how he can help fix my old house when he has his checking account in the red every month and still has not filed or paid his 2009 income taxes.
I think he has not been totally honest or accurate about financial issues, or maybe realistic... I'm not sure how to put it in words. The math doesn't work in my head, his ex wife's house with mortage against it was collateral for the loan to buy the salvage yard. That, I believe still had a mortgage/debt against it when it was sold, so debt had to be paid before there was any profit.
Profit put into a lot and building a house that was not totally finished, with a $275,000 mortgage against it, her original home sold to 1 of his daughter's and husband, at below market value, that mortgage had to be paid off... She took out the personal loan that bought his semi and trailer that he has clear title to. So, now where does his math come to him being the 1 who 'did it all'?
I walked his car hauler trailer when it was here, and I think it has signs of metal fatigue. And if I am right, he will continue to have repairs and down time, with no credit to help purchase a new one.
He has said 'in a month or two finaces would be stable' but he's said that for the past 8 months. That does not mean he cannot get his finances into a stable condition, his income taxes caught up and keep his trucking business in the black.
But I have reasons to have doubts and he's not doing much to show me his ability to get his business out of the red and keep it that way. And he sure has not done much to prove that he absolutely does not want any benefits from my coming insurance settlement.
I will agree that he does not want a new car, he expected me to just let him have my current pickup truck when I buy a new car with settlement money. He doesn't want a big fancy house, but he wants to be a part of either renovations here or the place out of town project but probably will not have funds to match what I invest in either places. But I am the 1 wrong to make it clear that without matching funds and sweat equity and legal paperwork there was no partnership and no 'we' or 'us' or 'our' stuff.
I'm not in a snit now, or mad or even upset, but I will not put him back on my facebook friends list, I took him off my yahoo messenger list and I started a new blog and will not post very much on the 1 he does know of. I hope he has a link to that 1 as it's no longer on my Facebook and he couldn't get to it there now anyway.
I don't think the problems are that I just really Love my single life, which I really do love my single and independent life. And I was very honest with him about that. I've dated, I've had guys I really cared about since my divorce from Miguel Ruiz and his return to Mexico but it's been 5 years this fall since he left and I started picking up the pieces of my heart and my life.
That man from the past has many good qualities and I do care for him but at 54 I am not willing to let some man turn my financial stability into a mess, nor am I going to trust him blindly.
So, I have stepped back from what we were building or what we might have been building. And I am comfortable with that decision, and I feel that I am not making the wrong choice. And he's quite able to make a life for himself without me, he has a great family, a trucking business that he says makes a lot of money and knows what a good person he is.
I will stay me, being me, with my funny little life and world and do all the things that make my life the great life I think I have. And I won't be sharing any insurance settlements out but invest it, and use it as I think is best...I am very good at thinking things through and making choices that work well for me.
Wanted her opinion of what he was saying to see if she thought I was over reacting or any of the other things he brought up. She agreed that blocking his 'cyber stalking' was in my best interest and that all I have asked was that he get his financial house in stable order, back income taxes dealt with and both of us sign legal statements that protect our individual assets and property.
I want to believe that if our financial positions were reversed I would act far more considerate and deal with things in a business mannor instead of his telling me I have trust issues and I have never been loved before and just cannot accept someone loving and wanting to take care of me.
He needs a lot of dental work, he needs a doctor appointment so his maint. medications have new scripts so he can get those meds. He needs to be able to fill all those scripts instead of just part of them. He physically has a lot more problems pushing my small lawn mower than I do, and I am the person who was injured in a car accident and have had 2 surgeries in the past 7 months on my right foot and leg.
I don't see how he can take care of me when he isn't taking good care of himself, I cannot see how he can help fix my old house when he has his checking account in the red every month and still has not filed or paid his 2009 income taxes.
I think he has not been totally honest or accurate about financial issues, or maybe realistic... I'm not sure how to put it in words. The math doesn't work in my head, his ex wife's house with mortage against it was collateral for the loan to buy the salvage yard. That, I believe still had a mortgage/debt against it when it was sold, so debt had to be paid before there was any profit.
Profit put into a lot and building a house that was not totally finished, with a $275,000 mortgage against it, her original home sold to 1 of his daughter's and husband, at below market value, that mortgage had to be paid off... She took out the personal loan that bought his semi and trailer that he has clear title to. So, now where does his math come to him being the 1 who 'did it all'?
I walked his car hauler trailer when it was here, and I think it has signs of metal fatigue. And if I am right, he will continue to have repairs and down time, with no credit to help purchase a new one.
He has said 'in a month or two finaces would be stable' but he's said that for the past 8 months. That does not mean he cannot get his finances into a stable condition, his income taxes caught up and keep his trucking business in the black.
But I have reasons to have doubts and he's not doing much to show me his ability to get his business out of the red and keep it that way. And he sure has not done much to prove that he absolutely does not want any benefits from my coming insurance settlement.
I will agree that he does not want a new car, he expected me to just let him have my current pickup truck when I buy a new car with settlement money. He doesn't want a big fancy house, but he wants to be a part of either renovations here or the place out of town project but probably will not have funds to match what I invest in either places. But I am the 1 wrong to make it clear that without matching funds and sweat equity and legal paperwork there was no partnership and no 'we' or 'us' or 'our' stuff.
I'm not in a snit now, or mad or even upset, but I will not put him back on my facebook friends list, I took him off my yahoo messenger list and I started a new blog and will not post very much on the 1 he does know of. I hope he has a link to that 1 as it's no longer on my Facebook and he couldn't get to it there now anyway.
I don't think the problems are that I just really Love my single life, which I really do love my single and independent life. And I was very honest with him about that. I've dated, I've had guys I really cared about since my divorce from Miguel Ruiz and his return to Mexico but it's been 5 years this fall since he left and I started picking up the pieces of my heart and my life.
That man from the past has many good qualities and I do care for him but at 54 I am not willing to let some man turn my financial stability into a mess, nor am I going to trust him blindly.
So, I have stepped back from what we were building or what we might have been building. And I am comfortable with that decision, and I feel that I am not making the wrong choice. And he's quite able to make a life for himself without me, he has a great family, a trucking business that he says makes a lot of money and knows what a good person he is.
I will stay me, being me, with my funny little life and world and do all the things that make my life the great life I think I have. And I won't be sharing any insurance settlements out but invest it, and use it as I think is best...I am very good at thinking things through and making choices that work well for me.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Starting a new blog...
I've had a blog here, I still have that blog but since some man stated his intentions to read my blogs and post his side/opinion/corrections there I will just start another blog where I can freely post my thoughts and feeling.
And my hopes, dreams, photos, real life stuff and let the man wonder what I am doing...cyber stalking me will become entertainment on my side when it suits me and I hope a dead end on his part. I think there are several ways to 'close' that cyber window he has had into my life and my little world. Our dating relationship has hit a very rough spot...one that I consider wrecked the boat..or he drilled holes in the boat and it sank.
So, here I start, given time I will get the photos I want here and I will write freely what I want to..and post nonsense at the other blog...
And my hopes, dreams, photos, real life stuff and let the man wonder what I am doing...cyber stalking me will become entertainment on my side when it suits me and I hope a dead end on his part. I think there are several ways to 'close' that cyber window he has had into my life and my little world. Our dating relationship has hit a very rough spot...one that I consider wrecked the boat..or he drilled holes in the boat and it sank.
So, here I start, given time I will get the photos I want here and I will write freely what I want to..and post nonsense at the other blog...
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