Trying to settle into 'winter mode' and not liking the though

     I know it will soon be winter, the Rebel is already in the shop building I bought last spring but I am still able to ride the LXV to work some days so am putting off the oil changes and pulling that battery for winter storage.
     And I am trying to work harder at keeping finances under better, tighter management as I have dreams of a vacation in Ontario Canada for a scooter rally that is held there every other year.  It's in the later part of June so I have to get a passport, have to save up at least $1000-1500 and be able to schedule that time off for my vacation, and it's a long drive so I need to plan 4 days travel time with my old truck, hauling the LXV and not sure about camping in that area or my costs.
     But I am finally started, with Ben's help on the drywall work on the south attic end which has waited for summer and bike season to end.  Which is a big part of why the sewing area is such a disaster, I started moving things out of the way late this summer so the work could get started, which means some things moved into the sewing area, which was already too crowded.
      Work at the plant is 6 days a week so the paychecks are larger, that helps funds, helps pay more on the debt load and gives me some play money also, but I have to still control spending urges and I need to work harder with that.
      A molar needs pulled, old filling and teeth grinding has caused the tooth to crack from the top down.  I have known since my last cleaning, this late spring but until it got miserable, I have avoided doing anything.  The dental office wanted to do crown work and I know how that goes next will be that same tooth needs a root canal, and no, I don't think I want to keep making dental appointments and paying the part my dental insurance will not pay.  So, a dental extraction is scheduled for 11/21, I can't get a SV day so will do FMLA paperwork, hope it all gets filled out right but work the early part of the morning and have to leave by 9 am so I can go home, change clothes and have Ben go with me to the oral surgeon in Jacksonville.  I will have to be put under for the procedure and that means no driving myself home and no going back to work that day.
     But I did have a great riding summer, and put over 3000 miles on the bikes, combined, and still might get a few more trips to work in before I give up for the winter.  And I have a small growing bed with some very hot chili peppers and they have done well so we have dried chilies and we have fresh chili powder for cooking and now I give them away.
     Jake and I irritate each other with political arguments, with neither of us winning.  But he has agreed about socks I knit him, he had 3 choices and of course he chose 1 that did not have him buying any sock yarns but that would get him socks with black tops.  His are making progress and black sock yarn has been ordered, on sale, and should be here before too long.
     I am so glad I live far enough away from any relatives with problems that they don't hit me up for any help, financial or otherwise.  As I have not made the choices in their lives, I am not willing to help them out, fix their problems and I actually don't have a lot of sympathy for the results of the crappy results of their choices.  We live in a very hard world that won't be getting any easier, my helping would not actually fix the root of the problem, which is life choices.
     But it does bother me to know my oldest granddaughter and her children are living so poor and have the problems they have, I know the children are not at fault for the poor choices but they will end up doing far too much of the 'paying' for mom's bad/poor choices.  I paid for those of my parents an also some of my grandparents, and I know my children paid some for my poor/bad choices.  But I got my head out of my ass and worked to change things and keep my life stable, keep a job that paid enough to put that roof over our heads, and food on the table.  Hard life lessons but they have to be learned.
     I'm not really moody, blue or depressed, but I am dealing with constant pain issues, the dental will continue to get worse until that tooth is pulled, it will be some long hard days until that happens but I do have an appointment made and the foot and I just need a bit more agreement on what is workable.  I will always have some pain issues, it's keeping them within my comfort limits that I need to maintain, today is going down hill but I am getting a few things done that need done and that my head needs done to be balanced.
     I cannot change the past and I can't change other people, but I can sort thoughts out and find a balance that works for me.  That is what I have been doing some with that riding solo time, I think about my past, the people, the effects, the choices and come to terms with some things I have needed to look at and emotionally deal with and put away permanently.
      So, yes, in a way I am looking forward to the coming winter, to the work on the south attic area and that space gained back, and more energy efficient, and the overtime increasing what I can get paid down on my debt load and what I am able to build up in savings and 401K, I will miss riding to work some but I can cope.  I still need to do some work on the car, and need to order a part for that.  But it has made some progress this summer, with Ben's help.
      Well, time to go pick chilies and then see if I can get that heater back mounted in place and the power back on before supper and time to get ready for bed.  

New rides, finances and people

     I traded my 2013 Honda Metro in for a new 2016 Vespa LXV 150ie, bigger, faster and 3 years of payments, for the $5000 I could have bought a used Harley, so says a co-worker who has motorcycle validation on his driver's license but has not owned a motorcycle in many years (if ever).  But I can boast of a Harley in the past, and a Triumph along with several others and still own and ride that Honda Rebel.  

     The Vespa was long thought out, long researched and even which, of 5 different models with 150-155cc engines Vespa makes that I would buy.  I admit that a more noticeable color than the silver would be nice, or more noticed by drivers who don't look for bikes and scooters on the streets and roads, but this scooter works for me and will long term.  

     I like riding, get a lot of unwind time riding and see no reason to not buy what I want for a ride, if I can and am willing to pay for it.  The budget will be tighter and I have less going into my 401K plans but I also changed how they were invested and they now grow slowly but grow, I don't have losses now that eat away at what comes out of my paychecks.  Nor do I have questionable investments that could take it all in a moment and leave me with nothing of what I worked for and had put away.

     This old house needs a lot of work and money, sure looks rough, both inside and out, has some structural issues in front to be dealt with, starting with supporting the porch roof so the rest can be torn out, some sill plate replaced and then the porch foundation replaced, rebuilt and the porch roof once again supported by that porch structure.  Pain in the ass to figure out and build that support before the tear out can happen, and I will not start that tear out until I have funds to not only tear it out and dispose of the bad concrete and other rubble but also do the rebuild and do it right.  That means tax time, for the most part but might actually work on that roof support this fall.

     Our Presidental election this heart looks to be entertaining IF you don't live here in the States, a bad dream that easily could become a long nightmare if you are a US citizen.  I don't think we have a good choice this time around, bad and probably a lot worse is more how it is shaping up.  There are times I can appreciate getting old and knowing I don't have to spend many years helping dig our country out of the messes that our elected people keep digging us into.  Illinois have plenty of it's own debt and political problems, know wishing ill health or death on someone is wrong but there are times I see that as the best way to rid ourselves of a person in power that seems impossible to get voted out or removed from a job..... 

     But, little by little, I keep making my life work, making choices, most of the time, that make my life stable, livable and make me content and happy.  I like who I am, the way I live my life and the directions I am going, for the most part.  Know it is not a life that would work for every one, and is often more solitary than others realize.

      Thinking back, and knowing I had plenty of 'toxic people' choices in my life, am related to several of those 'toxic people' and married or almost married some of them, I thank God daily that I am now able to screen better and make better choices.  Not always easy, and sure had some guilt tripping to deal with and work around, through or get away from.  But, I am NOT responsible for the poor choices of others, it is not my job to clean up or pay the bills or go without because of their choices and it is not a result of my parenting.  

     I work hard to have stability, to keep a job, to do a good job at work and to be a good employee, to earn that much needed paycheck and to appreciate all that paycheck pays for and helps me provide in my small life.  I would not have this house or the improvements I have made on this old house without that paycheck, or the good credit that I appreciate and use.  I would not have that old truck I keep repaired or that Dodge Neon I bought and put a lot of money into for repairs, that 2008 Honda Rebel I ride and love or that new Vespa I have 3 years of payments to make on.

     YES, this is a "I" and "me" post, it is also my blog.  The parrots are doing fine, Shadow is napping, the rain looks like it is past, the clean laundry is put away, and I get to make the decisions on what I do the rest of today.  I won't be feeling bad or guilty because I have a roof over my head, transportation and food in the house.  That is what I keep a job for, and why I go to work every day, usually glad to have a job, a job that has above minimum wage pay, and benefits.  No one gives me that, and no one has provided much in my life, not freely and not from love or any other reason.  As an adult, I have earned my way, every day, and paid for not just what I had, wore or ate but also helped provide that for others, my children, men in my life, and others.

     I have really quit providing much for others, a very few matter enough for me to do for them or buy for them, I am not very charitable, and I am not very soft hearted, and I quit being a gullible fool a long time ago.  That gullible fool stuff cost me a lot, both emotionally and financially, took a lot of hard and painful lessons to get over that, get hard, get tough and most of all, get smart.

     I am not throwing rocks at others, and I am not going to let people from that past know just how much I now look down on them, think poorly or bad of them.  It and they are not worth the effort or the time and my time and my life are valuable, at least to me.  It took me way too many years to learn to value myself and to feel I had worth, too many people worked hard to keep me feeling valueless and deserving of their abuse and deserving to be used by them.  

     Yes, I have moved on, and yes, I do like my life, and no, I am not hung up on the past, or letting it drag me around, but there are moments when I stop and think where I am now, what I have, what I am doing and try to imagine what my life would be like with that person or this other person in my life.  And know how sad and miserable a life I would be living.  

     I don't I'll wish any of them, but I sure won't let them back into my life, not my daughter, not the father of my sons, not the beau from the past.  All toxic, all users, and all have the lives they have earned and the lives that are the results of their own life choices, not my choices and not my doing.

     So, I will put on my riding wear and go take 1 of my rides out and enjoy my Sunday.

The rewards of staying employed and sticking it out through the rough times.

     Tomorrow will be the anniversary of my first day at this plant, 13 years ago.  I have it off as a paid vacation day, and will hopefully be getting some things done here at home.  I am still working on this old house that I bought/financed in July 2004, it now has a solid foundation and a good metal roof, a dormer addition and that unused area below the roof and above the 9+ foot ceilings has become living space, still a work in progress but the north end has the Sheetrock finished and painted and I have a great sewing area that I am still working on setting up and settling in with.

   The south end is the retreat, where I am currently sleeping, and I am getting ready to finish drywall work in that area, but have no idea when that small space between the 2 will go from a storage area into a small but very handy 2nd bathroom.

     I survived the problems of marriage to an illegal who was still legally married in Mexico, he returned, I got a divorce, and picked up the pieces.  I won't say I moved on, but I will say I have worked to make my life what I want and what I need.

     I survived a wicked car accident, the fault of the other driver, and I got through the insurance issues with that, a very dishonest contractor, the bills for that, the very long 8 months and 17 days off work and I got through the involvement with a man from the far past, whose honesty about finances was very lacking.  

     My credit rating has gone down, and up and down some and up again, but I am reasonably stable, I still am working full time, have benefits that come with that working and can afford luxuries in my life.  Yarns, fabrics, dolls and to replace my very aged iPad 3 with the newest iPad Pro 9.7, and the goodies that are made for it.  It is in shipping now and expected here Friday, the pencil is here now and the keyboard case comes tomorrow.  

     Tonight I have been working on stuff for a mattress to fit the little antique 'servant's' bed I picked up from a moving sale.  I made a covered mattress board this past weekend and after work picked up a foam mattress topper which I will use to make the mattress.  I have my cording for the edges made now and batting to wrap the foam in before putting on the muslin cover I will be making for it.  Then it will need custom sheets, mattress pad and in time, it will want quilts made to fit right. The bed is full length but all of 27 inches wide, from frame side to frame side and head and footboard are the same and almost 27 inches high.

     I would not have this house, or all the stuff inside this house, the truck and the car, and the little shop building that is not yet moved here, or be able to get that new iPad and the goodies IF I had not stuck it out, through the hard days, the pain, the hassles and harrassments, and all the other 'stuff' life has had.  

     It has not been an easy walk, but it is my walk and I am the one who had made it work, and I am the one who has paid the bills, made the decisions and will continue to do so.  I like feeling I own my own life, I did not feel that ownership with my marriages, or dating relationships, but single, not dating, I own my life, my time and my choices.

     And I know I will be watching finances closely to pay the debt load down once again but I do not regret the dolls I bought on 'plastic' money or the coming new iPad. But, again, my life and my choices and I make them work for me.

old house renovations and insanity

     Last winter it was the kitchen and get actual cupboards, cabinets and a real, working sink I liked, real counters and a real big refinance the almost paid off mortgage.  I survived that, I still have trim work to finish but it might actually get done this winter. 
     But I had that sewing space in the attic to retreat to and hide out in.  Now, the attic is the work in progress, just over a month so I cannot actually claim it has been that long.  I am already going insane, ready to abuse my co-workers over petty things, stressed and want to beat on that son that is again living with me, living supported again by me.. who is doing a lot of that work to finish dry walling and tape, mud and finish all the drywall except the inside of the future bathroom area.
     He finds time to game, to watch anime on the tv I own, with the internet service I pay for, shower in the water I pay for, using the towels I own, the shampoo and such I also buy.  But he has a hard time getting much work done up in that attic space, where I also have my only sleeping space, done.
     Jobs that should take a week or so are taking 2-3 weeks to do that area, and they get done because I go work on them, and I push him to get stuff done while I am at work, earning that money that is supporting the both of us.
      Yes, today I am whining and bitching and just venting.  Yes, I could ask him to move out, and he would, with no anger or raving, and go, where, he would not say, but he would leave...  in time to probably be back under my roof, living off me. 
     Getting a job and keeping it, staying employed with an income does not seem important to that more than 30 years old son, and that too, frustrates and upsets me.  I know I cannot make him be any different, he chooses his own path an lives his own life his way, for the most part.  But I see it as he is throwing hi life and time and abilities away, and that bothers me.
     I know I don't have much control over my adult children and how they choose to live their lives, where they live, who they spend time with, but I can still be bothered about their choices and look to see where I might have gone wrong or failed them while raising them.
     This morning I will touch up some areas with drywall mud, it has been primed and that helps show up spots that need a bit more attention. While that is drying I can start the cut work, paint with a brush the edges and corners that I can't get painted with the roller.  The electrical outlet that needed replaced can get wired in, and paint around them so they can be once again fastened into the box and ready for that breaker to get turned back on.  The ceiling will get painted and then the buttercup yellow on the walls, and the large peg board will get fastened back where it goes, 1 less item in the way, a tiny dent in all the mess and clutter that my sewing studio is and will be for weeks still.
      My much used and needed old truck is sitting at the repair shop and has to have the transmission rebuilt, I want that old truck and need use of a truck for several more years, so fixing it is my choice.  But I also pulled my savings and instead of that little wood shop/hobby shop, bike storage building I had planned and had funds for, I bought a car, 11 years old, $1800 for the car and over $1100 now for taxes, plates, new tires, brake work, transmission lines work, vacuum leak, seat covers....and I am still going to be paying over $40/key to have keys programmed and cut as the car came with only 1 key and 1 remote.  The wrong remotes were ordered, my error, they are now on their way back to seller, the key blanks are here and waiting, I do have 1 new remote that is correct and Ben programmed it, a very simple task with the remote that has the right transponder codes.
      And that is another irritation to add to my life.  The car is nice but it has a huge amount of electronics and so much stuff under the engine hood I have no idea what I am looking at and sure cannot do much of the work.
       I still have my taxes to file and will claim that son on my return, it has been over a year since he has been living off/with Mom again..I think I finally have all the stuff I need, will have to check on line with my 401Ks as I moved them with the change in plant ownership.  I do have the stuff from cashing out my pension and have to do some reading up on that 10% penalty stuff for cashing it before I turned 59.5, the form has some exemption marked but I do need to read and make sure, if I owe that 10%, I want it paid this tax filing and have it behind me.
      And the attic is a huge energy loss until it is finished, and ugly, and disorganized, and having the ceilings finished and the walls done, the sewing studio finished and orderly, storage organized and very usable will be a huge improvement and will last far longer than the disorder and mess it takes to get to that place.  I can cope, not exactly sure how, but know I am able to survive this house a mess stuff, this no place to hide and read, watch Netflix, or listen to music, no place to sew.
      I know that this winter I am able to afford the cost of all the needed materials and some of the just wanted stuff, that the entire attic expansion has not been a huge cost, but has made a huge improvement on my quality of life and will continue to do so for all the years I am able to live here.  These are the things I need to think of and hang on to when the mess and how long it takes starts to make me crazy, depressed and just irritated at that lazy adult living here.  The mess does not bother him as much, and he does not have any huge real reason to push himself to get more of the work done while I am out earning a living.  I wish he would feel, inside, that it matters to do all he can here, in as timely manor as he can, but he won't, I cannot make him feel that way and I can either ask him to leave, or find ways to cope and know I do get much needed and 'free' help on this old house renovations, if I can just survive the cost of that 'free' help I have living here.
      So, now that the coffee maker has been cleaned and rinsed out very well, and coffee made, it is time to get that first load into the dryer, get some coffee and into old house work clothes and go play in my sewing studio, the sooner I get busy up there the sooner this area will be done so we can move things and the next area can be worked. Change the piles and mess around, and find a way to cope and live through another few more weeks of attic mess, bug and push and then we will be to doing the dormer area or starting on the south end.     

The 6th Anniversary of that car accident.

     And I made it through the long work day, chatted with pal Kim after work and drove home in that Neon I bought this past Saturday from a Craig's List seller.  And thought about that accident some today while I was working. And how it has changed my life and changed me.

     It took a long and painful recovery before I returned to work, and there has been some rough days just to stay working but I keep winning that battle.  It took a long time to get the insurance settlement but I put it, or most of it to good use/work in my life.  

     I never came to love that truck I bought as a replacement for my red Mazda truck that I did love very much, but I have taken good care of it, and will continue to do so.  It is currently at the shop to get the transmission rebuilt and will come home to semi-retirement as the old house jobs truck.  I appreciate it, and have put a lot of funds into it, it is old and rusting but has served me well.

     The same old house, and it keeps slowly improving, and I keep being glad I bought it and live here. The same plant, now with a different company to work for, some changes made there and more coming as the new company works to tweak us into their company and their way of doing things. 

     A milder winter than the past 2 have been, working day shift instead of a split shift, working production instead of store room clerk, but day's work for me, now.

     A quieter life than back before the accident and a bit more careful with money, some payroll savings and investments for my future, and a life that has the possibility of going on disability before I am retirement age, not something I ever considered before that Buick crossed the center line in heavy traffic and I knew we would be hit head on and there was damn little I could do to minimize that accident.

     No going back, no changing the past, just adjust and live with what I cannot change, do what I can to have the life I want and that works for me and appreciate each and every day.  At times, it gets hard to find that bright spot, that high point in the day, but if I look, if it matters enough, I can always find a positive thing, a bright ray of light and a reason to know I am blessed.

     6 years have gone by, a lot has changed, I have changed, but there is not sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, first, it does not fix anything, second, I just am not good at that self pity stuff, and most of all, I am tough, hard and mean.  It was my life, and some man with marriage problems managed to get himself killed and really did a number on my little, much loved red truck, on my son and on his gal pal, and on my right leg and my brains.  

     He is dead, and I live on, brain has a few glitches, keep the chemical balance right and it has far fewer glitches.   The right leg and foot is not screaming mad at me as often has it was the first couple years, but that does not mean everything is better, some things will never 'get better' but I make life work and I make that foot and leg work also.

     I lost some precious dreams, can't actually blame that car accident for that, but it was involved.  And I found what really matters, and I learned just how strong and tough I can become.   And how very valuable my independence is to me.  

     And I will make this year a good year in my life, and keep moving forward with my life and with what works for me, my way and in my time frame.

Starting the New Year right is

      I slept in, until after 6 am, which here is sleeping in, my alarm goes off now at 4:15 am.  And the bed has clean sheets, the load of laundry is in the dryer and my peg board has been cleared off so it can be removed.  The north baseboard heater gets removed, that under windows area gets drywalled, maybe a bit of primer, and the heater goes back on so I can turn the power back on to those heaters.  They are connected and on the same breaker so the job means only small plug in heaters in the attic until the north one is back on the wall, wires connected and breaker turned back on.
     We work a full 8 hours tomorrow, overtime, and I am very glad to have it, as that old truck will be costing me several thousand dollars to repair.  But still, a better choice for me and my long term financial needs, goals and dreams.  And I will be nice to Jake's jeep while I have the loan of it.  And not go any place unless I have to...I really do not like that jeep or driving that jeep.
     The attic retreat, the south end, is a real mess, but not everything from the north end is moved in there, so the whole attic area is a jumbled disaster.  No, probably not quite that bad but I will be glad to make some visible progress today.  I know the area has to be done in sections, this house is just too small to move every thing out, do all the walls and ceilings and then get everything moved back in and out where it belongs.  I will not rent storage for the job, and I do not yet own that hobby/wood/bike building I hope to have built and moved here this winter.  And I would not want to pack some things down the stairs, out to the building and then back up again so even IF I did have the little shop building, not everything would be moving out so I would still have a disaster area to live with.
     We are seeing some of those changes at the plant, some job changes, some money/costs tightening that I had been expecting.  The new owners will change some things to how it is done in their other plants, some or most might work well here, and I am not management so it is not my headache.  I do own my job boxing stomaches, have made it clear to my immediate supervisor that having 'the boss' back has that woman giving me orders, telling me what all I do or did wrong and I did tell the real boss that I am the box girl and I see no reason for that to change or for overtime to be paid to the other woman again so she can waste company time.
     But I want a new doll, right now I want the new American Girl of the Year to  play with.  And I own several dolls that size so do not need another one and there are far more important things along with credit debt to pay down and a huge shop bill coming for the work my truck has to have.