Mid-March madness

     Well, it is the middle of March already and it is warming up some, the trees are showing signs of springs and my silly daffies have buds coming up, to go with their frosted leaves.  I did get started with raking up the dog poo and winter debris, the flower beds all need a lot of work and the pampas grass needs cut down, I hope I can burn again this spring, once I have the grass down.

     And I did some moving things up in the attic, this year my air cond. unit will be on the south end so I have more and better set up sewing area.  The fabrics are still a disorganized mess, but my working space has improved some.  And I am sewing!

     Work is going ok, it looks like I will be staying on the trimming necks job, it is easier on my old body than what I was doing, I can come home bloody for less pain and less tired at the same pay.  My hand has healed up well, not perfect but it could have been a lot worse and several of us are far more careful about how and where those wizard knives are when not in use.

     The budget and finances are very, very tight right now but I can improve that with some very careful managing my spending.  It will improve as the medical bills get paid off and gone and as credit debt goes down.  I need to manage my impulse spending, and am working on that.  I know it is my head issues and I need to work on some of them but I am gaining.

   But NOT dating, not having a 'love/sex/whatever' thing is working well for me, both head wise and financial. And I am liking my life better and my home.  And doing what I want and enjoy with my off work time, that is a huge plus.  This is a step I should have taken many years ago, and I figured out many years ago I did not need a man to make my life complete, and could sure live without the sex.

     I think part was the social push to be in a relationship, like if you want to be normal, you need a relationship.  And I now am quite happy to be the abnormal person, at work, here where I live, this small old town, and in the world in general.  Plenty of people out there, those that want a relationship can surely go find one, I am not a part of that.

     I do not want to share my home, or my finances, or my toys, tools and treasures.  I do not need someone to 'meet my needs' and I am sure not willing to meet theirs.  Yes, my head is a bit screwed up and I have some issues and problems, but none of those keep me from earning a living, paying my bills, getting the trash out in a timely manor, cleaning up after myself and my pets.  I am not generally a danger to anyone else and certainly not to myself.  

     I don't have blue days as often or pity parties, I don't hate life or the world and my tiny flashes of green envy don't last long, and I sure would not trade my life, even with all the mistakes, poor choices, and other damage and garbage, for any one else's life.

     I am able to spend my off work time doing either what I need to do, what I want to do, or what my body needs me to do, and sometimes that means down and get little or nothing done after work.

Tend to my little place, my aging body, which, at times, means pushing past a bit of pain to keep all the  ability to move and do things I can.

     I love having a sewing space with 2 sewing machines set up to use, I don't have to change thread or settings on projects or can work on 2 different things, like piecing a quilt and sewing a doll outfit.  The goal is to someday be able to have at least 3 machines up and all on the same level, so it is easier to move from 1 to another.  And more possible to help someone learn a bit and still get something done I want to do at the same time.

     Now that it is warming up I need to get the wiring work done in the future bathroom space and get a sheet of drywall up there, the batt insulation can then go under the house for storage, and every sheet of drywall installed makes 1less to do and the house just a tiny bit more energy efficient, and I like that part too.  The lower the utility bill here is, the more paycheck that can pay down debt, cover my cost of living, allow a bit of play money.

     And today I will put the scooter battery on the charger and charge it up some.  It really needs replaced but if it will take some charge, I can always kick start the scooter.  It also needs a new, cheap Walmart milk crate because the last one died.  I need to remember to replace those every couple years as they sun damage and there is no way I will have a car port/garage/bike shelter any year soon.

     But the load of laundry is ready for the dryer, the sun is up, the light frost is almost gone outside and I have sewing waiting for me in my studio, which I love. So, refill my coffee cup and off to enjoy my Sunday.

the silly or foolish choices i make

I know my income is limited, that I have a lot of financial responsibility and now medical bills to pay on to go with all the other stuff.  And I do work on that making practical, good long term choices with my money and credit and with my life.

     But I ALSO make some foolish or stupid decisions and use my credit poorly, which is why I have so much credit debt and make so little progress getting it paid down, paid off and getting out of debt. I know progress on this old house goes far slower because of the credit debt and the dolls, but I STILL add to my doll collection and use credit to do that.

     So, now I have a doll head off to a face painting artist to redo her face, because I messed up her factory original paint, and I am talking a $600 doll, not something I picked up at WalMart.  And I have another of that very same doll in shipping to me, that I might keep or sell or trade, but I seem to have her named already in my head, so that does say something about me keeping her tidy and safe in her box and packing until I have her sold or traded.

     And I have another sewing machine coming, not a bad buy for Bernina, less than $100, inluding the shipping and I will get the Singer tidied up and put it up for sale, keeping my Berninas as I can swap feet about on them and they will allow me to move a project more easily from machine to machine with little or no difference in the stitching or seam widths.  

     I choose to cut out some of the things others have, like tv service, meals out, and movie rentals, trips I do not need to make, vacations away from home, but I will have my old house, my yarns, fabrics, sewing machines and my dolls.  

     There are some real solid reasons to not be dating, my finances and time are spent more to my liking and needs, my house gets better attention and I am much happier.  I dont want to argue, fight, or lie to some man about how I spend the money I earn or how much I have spent on a doll or yarns or fabrics.  I have hopped through hoops to please a man, or tried to be what they wanted me to be and that sure did not work well.

     So, now I live this little life here in this small, old river town, work in the local meat packing plant, live in an old house that had a lot of neglect and some poor choices in repair or improvements in the long past, and I have few friends here, and I like my life that way.  I tend to like the company of my dog, birds and dolls better than most humans.

     I am waiting for 2 dolls actually, 1 is a preorder and will come in the summer or early fall, but the one that will come soon is a duplicate of the one I should have NOT bought on Ebay 3 weekends ago but did as soon as I saw the BIN for the doll at a price, including shipping for less than the seller paid for the doll when she preordered her, many months ago.

     The extra dolls from that shipment went up for sale last Saturday, very limited in number and I had NO valid reason to even be checking on them.   But I signed in early, refreshed the page several times, put the doll in my cart, changed my mind, removed her, put her back in and paid for her.  All deliberate choices, and I cannot blame anyone or make excuses.  I did it while looking at the tan Izzy by Kaye Wiggs I just got and had made an outfit for, knowing what I was adding to my already debt load.

And no matter how many times I say that I will sell or trade her, that is not a sure thing and I know, in my small little head, I have her named.

  So, now I will soon be up to 3 Bernina sewing machines and still need a lot of drywall in my attic space, and have plenty of medical bills to make payments on, am on light duty due to an accident at work that has 26 stitches in the back of my left hand, so that helps cut my paycheck, I am on 36 hour weeks until I am released and back on my job on the kill floor.

     So, while on light duty, I spent $600 in credit on a doll I do not need and already own and on another sewing machine, and have paid $50 to have my big ger Bernina serviced and now have my Nova ther to pick up Saturday and a Bernette 430 that should be shipped and here by the end of next week.

     And to be honest, I am not depressed or worried about my actions and I am not going to try and excuse or justify them.  It is my life and it is my earnings and my problem, and I will get bills paid, and I will make the compromises I need to where and when I have to. I know some of the recent spending choices have not been wise or smart or financially sound, but it is, after all, my life and I am the only one living it.  So, I will deal with the cost of the choices, and admit I did not expect to win the 430 on eBay for the low amount I put as my maximum bid.  I will use it and be glad I have it and sell the Singer I picked up at an estate auction almost 2 years ago.

    And my state tax refund paid the cost of the artist painting my Izzy's face for me and I will make payments out of my savings named slush funds for the dolls I probably should not have bought but did anyway.  and life goes on, now to tell my son that there is a package coming that he might need to watch and sign for.