I get so vexed and stressed fast now, know that will be a problem with work if I don't start dealing with it now. I have so little control over things now, or so it feels, my whole life seems to have slipped out of my grasp.
Patience and I have always battled, I can sit and cane a chair for hours, can knit for hours, it helpes me control me, but that does not do all the other things I just cannot put my hands on and work my way.
State Farm doesn't have my lost wages check yet, agent is out of the office and was out yesterday, another agent could do it but I can wait until Monday and I am going to wait until Monday. Things are not always on my time schedule and making myself wait helps me with that not having it on my schedule but making my schedule work with what makes the most practical sense and works for others.
Letting go of the new bike really makes waves in my head, it's another one of those things I have to accept giving up because of this accident. And at times the price is so bloody damn high, and I know the rest of my life I will pay over and over because 1 man was in a big hurry and pulled into the west bound lane to pass several cars when the traffic conditions were unsafe.
He is very dead, and I am still alive, he had very good insurance, I had no pre-existing medical conditions that this accident aggrivated, all my mobility issues are because of this accident.
So, there will, in time, be a really good settlement, all those medical bills paid, Ben will be paid for the time he spent taking care of me when I was unable to care for myself, for the mowing he did when I was unable to mow my own lawn. And the cash settlement that will, in time, be paid to me will change a lot of things in my life, financially.
But it will never give me back the balance I used to have, the ability to roller skate, to dance, to work on roofs, to go up and down stairs easily. I won't ever run again and I can't ride a bike very easily. I'm getting used to some pain all the time, have to think about it to decide if I hurt more than 'normal' or not.
God has really taken good care of me, my life is rich with blessings and I do know and appreciate that, but walking my dog is a hard and pain filled walk that I force myself to do, knowing it's good for the dog and for me. Knowing walking now will make those first days at work just a bit easier.
And I used to go skipping into the plant, filled with joy, and I want ALL of that back and am afraid I have lost most of it and might loose all of it. I am afraid I will not be able to keep my job and all the wonderful benefits that come with it and the way it makes me feel about me. That most of all, it makes me feel worthwhile and valuable and important.
If I can't work, I don't know where I will find value in the person I will then be--disabled, at 54, will I look in my mirror and see a disabled cripple? Or will I find myself a new image?
That life roadmap is still mangled pieces I can't find a way to re-assemble and that too scares me.
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