I'm doing a lot of talkng with God today, lots rattling around in my head, no answers and no idea of direction and feeling lost once again in my life. I know this accident isn't helping and neither was the emergency appendix surgery a week ago. I could not avoid either of those things, and I have to deal with them and the results of them in my life. And they will take time to work out too, healing time with the appendix and both healing and settlement issues with the foot.
I have so many thoughts and questions about Mike and his lies/deceptions and wonder the why of so much of it. I think the fantasy of that lost love was a part, maybe, like the person getting ready to go to that school reunion and wanting to look better, more successful than they really are. We humans have so many vunerable spots. We will diet, exercize, color our hair, rent a car, you name it, all so that those old classmates will think our lives are better than they really are, that we are more successful then we are.
It works in book plots, but it doesn't work in real life. And lies about huge financial problems is a real good way to sink a relationship, the lies about that mortgage were started before my accident. I can't feel a man really loves or cares about me when he's hiding something that can end up with me living in poverty the rest of my life because we are buried under his debts, debts that I had nothing to do with the creation of.
Now, I know about that lie, that deception, I have to wonder about other things and I have to accept I will not have answers and I am not going out looking for them. This is something I need to let go and put behind me, stuff that is not my business now.
I have no idea how much longer I will be off work, and what I will face when I do go back to work, if my foot will tolerate the job duties and hours. Right now I am not even doing any good at dreaming about what I will do with either this house or a new place, I can't even think on landscaping plans.
But I do know the next few days will be busy with Otto, Don's funneral is tomorrow, we have Lin-care coming Tuesday to pick up their oxygen stuff and hopefully to get a load in my truck to go to GoodWill in Jacksonville and be donated. There is so much stuff over at Otto's that needs to be done and I will help him with all I can do, but he also will have to start making some decisions for himself for his future.
I need to finish a letter to Jake, wish he would call so I knew he was doing ok, I keep him in my prayers and trust in God to take care of my boy. He's such a great kid, he's growing into such a good man and I so want to see him grow and become all he can be.
This appendix stuff has added to my stress, not any thing I can do about the timing or my appendix needing removed, or that it takes time to heal from surgery, sure glad I have been working on keeping my co-pay for my health insurance at Cargill paid and I need to check on that too. And I need copies of both hospitals records for filing claims with American, again. At least this time I know I file a seperate claim for each thing.
Right now I can't think about what next week might be like, or dream of what I would like my living room to look like once it's done, either in this house or the monolithic I would like to have built. Somehow, once again, all that dreaming has run into wall, and I am so tired of feeling my life is on hold or ran into a wall.
Patience with myself is something I struggle with, I know pushing my body will NOT speed the healing from this last surgery, everyone is telling me I am doing so well, and I guess, medically I am doing good but it seems like my body is really letting me down. I am not falling apart but it sure feels like it and the accident did not cause the appendix problems but I can't get healed up from the accident before I am back at Memorial for surgery.
I need to get through the next few days and I will and so will Otto, I need to heal up and I want the garden and my flower beds cleaned up, and I wanted to go back to my job and get some pattern back to my days.
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