Going home

Right now, somewhere between MN and CA, Sam, James, Angelo, Bugs and Joanah are taking Cynthia on her final trip home.  I lost track of time, don't remember when she passed away, know Jake is more calmed down, know Ben has let go of a tiny bit of anger and resentment but my life had some major re-evaluation with the massive stroke and complications, and eventual long drawn out death of my sons step mother.

I shifted my priorities, thought over friendships, relationships, work and my time. Made a few changes, shifted a few things, sorted out some of my values and priorities and now, as they head to a funeral and look at picking up their lives, adjusting to all the changes it makes when you loose someone who is the core figure/force in several lives.  

I sit and deal with laundry and think about the huge air draft and damage our house dog has done to the front door, look at the plans for my landing from the kitchen door to the new patio, too big to be called steps, too small to be a deck, as I look out at our wet day ending, I think about how my life has changed in the past 16+ years since my ex husband married a mail order bride.

I would not recommend it, after seeing what that marriage has done to his finances and to his relationship with his older 2 sons, but it is his life, and I do not and did not have to live with much of what went on, clearly I managed to move out of reach.

An old house, 11+ years in the same meat packing plant, the same small river town, even the same phone number for almost 12 years.  A bit boring probably but this life works for me and I like it.  I like this old house, despite the work it needed before the dog added front door frame damage.

And I like where I work and most of the management, most of the people I work around and know they do not impact my life very much, I don't have to let them be part of more than my work days.

I tried but couldn't get Cynthia to accept that I existed and that I was a very involved part of the lives of those boys, she thought she was getting motherless orphans and instead got Maggie's boys.  Who came with their bonding to their mom, not something she expected and not something she could find a way to accept.

I am working on not having my head so set in stone that I cannot adjust or am not willing to flex a bit on some issues and with some things.  But, I do have to be true to myself and I do have to like myself, and that does mean being who I want to be, doing what matters with my time and my life.

It is not a rich and wonderful life, and it would not suit many but it fits me and I manage the rough spots and manage to tweak what needs tweaked, and I treasure and value every minute of each and every day that I have.