Finding balance most of the time, trying to keep my life working, the finances working and like who I am and what I am doing.
Still have some issues with the man stuff, not sure about what to do with who I date, and what time I spend with him, know I want to keep my life going in directions that work for me, that I can manage and be happy. He is a good man but there are small things that add up to me getting more and more distance.
I love having a bike again, it gives me a lot of freedom, emotionally. And I do like my life, even when it has rough spots and issues. The house needs so much work, the debt load is high, the landscaping is a neglected mess, the son leaves the house a disaster at times. But it is all workable.
I would like to manage my finances better than I am doing now, but the debt load is going down, I am working hard to Not use my Credit for stuff I can wait on, making payments as big as I can on all the debts, including utilities, round up is the key for that.
Moods are staying more stable, but I have a long list of stuff I need to do, should get done and that list is not shrinking very much. But, at least I am not being depressed, and I am doing good with cutting out snacking on candy, and not making M&Ms a meal. So, I have dropped a few pounds in the past 6 months and that is a good thing.
Did start a membership at a singles web site but not ready to make it a paid membership, but might in the future. Not sure if that is something I want or not but I am thinking about what I do want sometime down the road. I know that having Jake live here does fill some of the companionship needs in my life but he will be here only for a while.
I do like feeling that I own my own life and am in charge of it, and know that staying single has a lot more that than any committed relationship and I sure don't need a sex life or scratch an itch now and then stuff.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Bikes and boys
20 years ago I bought my Honda Nighthawk, had 2 young sons who went to the bike shop with me and I told them that when they got old enough they could learn to ride on Mommy's bike. And 1 of them did, and also laid it down more than once and managed to run it out of oil, ruining the motor.
Now, once again, I have bought a motorcycle, same engine and transmission as that Nighthawk, different frame, and those 2 sons are still around. But this time, they are adults and if they take the state motorcycle safety class, get their license, I will let 1 of them ride the new bike, but not for long and not often.
Figure if people want to ride motorcycles, people should buy and support motorcycles, not part of the 'mom job' when the sons are adults. I am paying for the bike, and the parts, the insurance and I am doing the work on this bike, do not want or need sons or others to help or meddle.
I did take that safety course and my paperwork should be here in 2 weeks and not only does it get me the legal stuff, it also gets me 15% discount on my bike insurance.
And after some work, I have the bike running, rough in lower gears but that is a start. Next is a new air filter and some tweaking on the carb.
And the keys to both my scooter and my bike go to work with me, truck is here for Jake to use while his jeep is in the shop, Ben is just visiting and has no vehicle privilege in this house.
I am not too old or too crippled for a small motorcycle, and I am not too old to appreciate what my working can buy. Like my life most of the time, like living alone but don't object to Jake living here, Ben is just visiting and it has been long enough, he needs to go, no idea where he is staying but at 28, he is an adult and needs to be responsible for his own life, and not have Mommy taking care of, supporting him.
And, no, he cannot ride my bikes, he can get a job and figure out how to buy his own.
Now, once again, I have bought a motorcycle, same engine and transmission as that Nighthawk, different frame, and those 2 sons are still around. But this time, they are adults and if they take the state motorcycle safety class, get their license, I will let 1 of them ride the new bike, but not for long and not often.
Figure if people want to ride motorcycles, people should buy and support motorcycles, not part of the 'mom job' when the sons are adults. I am paying for the bike, and the parts, the insurance and I am doing the work on this bike, do not want or need sons or others to help or meddle.
I did take that safety course and my paperwork should be here in 2 weeks and not only does it get me the legal stuff, it also gets me 15% discount on my bike insurance.
And after some work, I have the bike running, rough in lower gears but that is a start. Next is a new air filter and some tweaking on the carb.
And the keys to both my scooter and my bike go to work with me, truck is here for Jake to use while his jeep is in the shop, Ben is just visiting and has no vehicle privilege in this house.
I am not too old or too crippled for a small motorcycle, and I am not too old to appreciate what my working can buy. Like my life most of the time, like living alone but don't object to Jake living here, Ben is just visiting and it has been long enough, he needs to go, no idea where he is staying but at 28, he is an adult and needs to be responsible for his own life, and not have Mommy taking care of, supporting him.
And, no, he cannot ride my bikes, he can get a job and figure out how to buy his own.
Monday, June 24, 2013
trucks, bikes and sons
I now own 1 '94 Ford Ranger and 3 Honda bikes, '81 Passport, 2008 Rebel and the '13 Metro, all need the oil changed, I am working on carburetors on 2 of the bikes, which means they also have no gas in the tank, and my truck has about 1/4 of a tank, it had over 1/2 the last time I drove it.
Son Jake's jeep is in the shop, he is running my truck, I don't mind except he does not like putting much gas in vehicles, think he got that from his dad.
Son Ben wants to ride my bikes and meddles if he is here and I have a bike project/maintenance job going, he also is very good at burning the gas I paid for and not replacing it.
So, this am I need to run to J-ville for bike parts and gee, there is my pickup, finally home and gee, not much gas, Metro is too small to run that far and back in a reasonable time, and I am Not happy Mommy...but I will get gas $ from Jake, be very happy he is the current 'at home' son as he does NOT want to ride, meddle with or otherwise have anything to do with My Honda rides.
I do have the Passport up for sale, and I do owe $$$ on the Rebel, but the Metro is almost paid off, and the $ I save on gas running here in town is great, so life will get better, I will resolve the carburetor problems, replace a gas line or 2, get bikes back together and gas in their tanks and I will get gas $ from Jake this morning. The sun is out and I have a good life, despite the bike issues, the nearly empty gas tank in my truck issue and work issues. My finances are not good, but they are livable and most of the time I am happy, would be happier if 2 or 3 of those bikes were running this week, like in the next day or so...
Son Jake's jeep is in the shop, he is running my truck, I don't mind except he does not like putting much gas in vehicles, think he got that from his dad.
Son Ben wants to ride my bikes and meddles if he is here and I have a bike project/maintenance job going, he also is very good at burning the gas I paid for and not replacing it.
So, this am I need to run to J-ville for bike parts and gee, there is my pickup, finally home and gee, not much gas, Metro is too small to run that far and back in a reasonable time, and I am Not happy Mommy...but I will get gas $ from Jake, be very happy he is the current 'at home' son as he does NOT want to ride, meddle with or otherwise have anything to do with My Honda rides.
I do have the Passport up for sale, and I do owe $$$ on the Rebel, but the Metro is almost paid off, and the $ I save on gas running here in town is great, so life will get better, I will resolve the carburetor problems, replace a gas line or 2, get bikes back together and gas in their tanks and I will get gas $ from Jake this morning. The sun is out and I have a good life, despite the bike issues, the nearly empty gas tank in my truck issue and work issues. My finances are not good, but they are livable and most of the time I am happy, would be happier if 2 or 3 of those bikes were running this week, like in the next day or so...
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
screwed up my finances
can't blame anyone for this one, I did it all on my own, standing in the rain, bidding on a 2008 Honda Rebel, motorcycle that will need work, that has a huge debt load on my paid off credit card, no funds for the DMV costs like sales tax, title and plate fee and I have NO valid license for running a bike this size.
It is sitting on my bike patio with the tank on the glider, the seats, it has 2, in the house, the carb gasket kit waiting for pickup in Jacksonville and me knowing I am going to be starving and struggling for months if not longer over this indulgence.
She's different build than that Nighthawk I had and loved so much and rode so much, Ben will not be riding this bike, Jake doesn't worry about Mom, knows her love of such thing and thinks she manages to keep her finances on track, I won't tell him different at this time.
Today is the panic and stress day, but I will get through this, get the bike running and licensed, insured and get that valid license for enjoying it out on the roads.
I did put the Passport up for sale, for a lot less than I paid for it, and if/when it sells, that will help a huge amount, and I need to write up ad for work that puts the radial arm saw, band saw and wood planer up for sale and try and get them sold and out of the house. Selling them was on the plans anyway.
I will pull from savings, keep a tight budget, scramble to be practical and thrifty and get through this.
A bit of work and this new ride will take me out of town, just running the roads to escape, to enjoy and to be me, like the smaller bikes here in town but have missed the bigger bike.
I didn't think, after the accident I would ever get back to where a road bike was possible but I am to that place, healed, gained back far more of ME than I ever thought I could, know I am not the woman I was before that damn car accident, but I am far better, stronger than I was a year ago and far harder and tougher than I was before the accident.
But, my life is also far more about me and what I want and were I want to go with that life, more self centered and more selfish, and I am ok with that.
So, I will shuffle, and push the funds, will whine and grouse but all in all, I will get through it and be ok with where I am taking my life and with who I am.
Today is a bit of a down day, but it won't last long, did get part of the do list done, will not sweat the stuff that did not get done, know I manage my life so it works out, and pull through the messes, get things back on track and working.
Jake will get his jeep out of the shop and quit running my truck, I will get the laundry done, the dog fed, the Passport sold, the new bike licensed and running and I will enjoy the summer.
It is sitting on my bike patio with the tank on the glider, the seats, it has 2, in the house, the carb gasket kit waiting for pickup in Jacksonville and me knowing I am going to be starving and struggling for months if not longer over this indulgence.
She's different build than that Nighthawk I had and loved so much and rode so much, Ben will not be riding this bike, Jake doesn't worry about Mom, knows her love of such thing and thinks she manages to keep her finances on track, I won't tell him different at this time.
Today is the panic and stress day, but I will get through this, get the bike running and licensed, insured and get that valid license for enjoying it out on the roads.
I did put the Passport up for sale, for a lot less than I paid for it, and if/when it sells, that will help a huge amount, and I need to write up ad for work that puts the radial arm saw, band saw and wood planer up for sale and try and get them sold and out of the house. Selling them was on the plans anyway.
I will pull from savings, keep a tight budget, scramble to be practical and thrifty and get through this.
A bit of work and this new ride will take me out of town, just running the roads to escape, to enjoy and to be me, like the smaller bikes here in town but have missed the bigger bike.
I didn't think, after the accident I would ever get back to where a road bike was possible but I am to that place, healed, gained back far more of ME than I ever thought I could, know I am not the woman I was before that damn car accident, but I am far better, stronger than I was a year ago and far harder and tougher than I was before the accident.
But, my life is also far more about me and what I want and were I want to go with that life, more self centered and more selfish, and I am ok with that.
So, I will shuffle, and push the funds, will whine and grouse but all in all, I will get through it and be ok with where I am taking my life and with who I am.
Today is a bit of a down day, but it won't last long, did get part of the do list done, will not sweat the stuff that did not get done, know I manage my life so it works out, and pull through the messes, get things back on track and working.
Jake will get his jeep out of the shop and quit running my truck, I will get the laundry done, the dog fed, the Passport sold, the new bike licensed and running and I will enjoy the summer.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
finding a way to deal with what I can't change
So, I find myself buying or looking at buying things that I don't need and that the budget really should not stretch for, so I need to think out the issues and problems in my life and deal with them, so need to list them and start sorting out what can be done, what needs changed and what I need to find ways to adjust to.
I want to be happy with my life and with who I am so now need to sort out why that is not where I am in my small world and my head.
So, now I have to face some things that I have been trying to hide from, and ya, I do have a few ideas of what those things are so guess it's not that hard to know where to start.
I don't have someone to talk things out with, and I don't have a close friend or partner in life, and I don't have a good relationship with the man I date, I just have a 'get by' one.
Work has some issues but I know they are not at the heart of my real problems and they are not the WHY I am buying myself stuff that is not on the budget. I will work out the work issues, some will resolve themselves if I just let them and ya, I am smart enough to do that.
So, Maggie, deal with what you can, find the ways to accept what you cannot or will not change and get the budget back on track, be happy with all the goodies, toys, dolls I have,
I want to be happy with my life and with who I am so now need to sort out why that is not where I am in my small world and my head.
So, now I have to face some things that I have been trying to hide from, and ya, I do have a few ideas of what those things are so guess it's not that hard to know where to start.
I don't have someone to talk things out with, and I don't have a close friend or partner in life, and I don't have a good relationship with the man I date, I just have a 'get by' one.
Work has some issues but I know they are not at the heart of my real problems and they are not the WHY I am buying myself stuff that is not on the budget. I will work out the work issues, some will resolve themselves if I just let them and ya, I am smart enough to do that.
So, Maggie, deal with what you can, find the ways to accept what you cannot or will not change and get the budget back on track, be happy with all the goodies, toys, dolls I have,
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Work changes and rivers
It has been a busy week or two here, the river is well above flood stage and we are under a possible evacuation here in town. I am not hugely stressed about it but I do have my scooters sitting in the kitchen so they are higher and not out handy to roll away when I am not around this weekend.
At work we are no longer washing the mesh gloves so my job duties have changed as have those of others, both on my shift and on day shift.
Add in our work areas are also changing, our lead has been on vacation and now has a broken shoulder that happened less than 2 hours into her first shift back from vacation. So chaos reigns this week around here and I am not yet ready for the doll club event that our club is hosting this coming Saturday.
So, now at work I no longer sort racks of equipment and pins, that is now Barb's job and I bag equipment all shift. And we will both adjust and learn to do and keep up with the change of job duties.
After over a week of rains, we are having sunshine and warming up, I have a lot of work outside to try and catch up on but I have about 2/3 of the pampas grass cut down and burnt and have mowed once.
Life is going ok, I keep the bills paid, most of the time I am content with my life and who I am, it is not perfect but I make it work.
At work we are no longer washing the mesh gloves so my job duties have changed as have those of others, both on my shift and on day shift.
Add in our work areas are also changing, our lead has been on vacation and now has a broken shoulder that happened less than 2 hours into her first shift back from vacation. So chaos reigns this week around here and I am not yet ready for the doll club event that our club is hosting this coming Saturday.
So, now at work I no longer sort racks of equipment and pins, that is now Barb's job and I bag equipment all shift. And we will both adjust and learn to do and keep up with the change of job duties.
After over a week of rains, we are having sunshine and warming up, I have a lot of work outside to try and catch up on but I have about 2/3 of the pampas grass cut down and burnt and have mowed once.
Life is going ok, I keep the bills paid, most of the time I am content with my life and who I am, it is not perfect but I make it work.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
feeling lost, trying to find me or at least direction
Yesterday it was a phone call from a collection agency, looking for Kenn Gean, have not seen or heard from that man for years, like Thanksgiving weekend 1999. A man who always lied, who chose to never live with me, to never provide a home I could relocate to and live with him and who chose to demand I accept his idea of a 'good marriage' or live without him.
My finances and self esteem improved greatly when I chose to ship his few items to his employer, never had a real home address for the man, nor a home phone number, it was short, expensive and stupid, and he is still having financial issues that get calls to my phone number, living in a state he never lived in, in a home he has never seen, a phone number he has never had.
But, then, I seem to make a lot of crappy choices in the men in my life, my life is a track record of crappy and stupid choices and then my working to clean up the mess, fix the financial issues, I even made a very crappy choice in the contractor for a new roof on this old house and it cost me about double what a court judgement finally awarded me out of the large deposit I made on that contract.
But I am keeping my bills paid, and I am slowly digging my way out of debt, and I am slowly fixing this old house, might even see sheet rock/drywall start going up in the attic space this weekend, not much but even 1 sheet is a start, right?
And I keep going to work every day, days I hurt, days I feel a bit under the weather, days my mood sucks and I want to call in and just ditch work. I go to work and I do my job, and I keep working on staying stable, on dealing with what I have to deal with, 1 thing at a time, 1 day at a time.
No law says I have to be happy and cheerful all the time, no law says I have to always like myself and my life, or other humans. I do like me, and my life, most of the time, and there is a very short list of other humans I really care deeply for, a longer list of those I like somewhat and a huge list of those who don't really matter to me. And that too, is ok.
So, again today I am showered and dressed for work, and I will again go to the plant and do my job, and be ok with that, and know the money makes a difference in keeping the bills paid and in having a few dollars extra to buy something I want, to do a bit more work on this old house, add some music to my tunes collection, or a book, or meal out.
Huge difference from the skipping meals to feed my young children poverty I had when Stormy was small and Bryon was a baby, and a big difference from when I lived in Green City MO, and thought I would always have plenty of play money.
Much quieter life than when I lived in Idaho Falls, far better life than when I lived in Charleston S.C. or Maine.
Lots of years, lots of miles and living, and I am ok with who I am and where I am, but I don't want to go to work today, want to stay home and play in my attic, move stuff to get ready for the weekend project, shelves behind the future bathroom there, want to work on my shelf boards, 3 left to round the edges and sand down a bit, but no, I won't do that. I will go to Cargill and work, and I will spend most of that time alone with tunes cranking in my ears, that iPod Touch I bought myself playing my choice of music.
My finances and self esteem improved greatly when I chose to ship his few items to his employer, never had a real home address for the man, nor a home phone number, it was short, expensive and stupid, and he is still having financial issues that get calls to my phone number, living in a state he never lived in, in a home he has never seen, a phone number he has never had.
But, then, I seem to make a lot of crappy choices in the men in my life, my life is a track record of crappy and stupid choices and then my working to clean up the mess, fix the financial issues, I even made a very crappy choice in the contractor for a new roof on this old house and it cost me about double what a court judgement finally awarded me out of the large deposit I made on that contract.
But I am keeping my bills paid, and I am slowly digging my way out of debt, and I am slowly fixing this old house, might even see sheet rock/drywall start going up in the attic space this weekend, not much but even 1 sheet is a start, right?
And I keep going to work every day, days I hurt, days I feel a bit under the weather, days my mood sucks and I want to call in and just ditch work. I go to work and I do my job, and I keep working on staying stable, on dealing with what I have to deal with, 1 thing at a time, 1 day at a time.
No law says I have to be happy and cheerful all the time, no law says I have to always like myself and my life, or other humans. I do like me, and my life, most of the time, and there is a very short list of other humans I really care deeply for, a longer list of those I like somewhat and a huge list of those who don't really matter to me. And that too, is ok.
So, again today I am showered and dressed for work, and I will again go to the plant and do my job, and be ok with that, and know the money makes a difference in keeping the bills paid and in having a few dollars extra to buy something I want, to do a bit more work on this old house, add some music to my tunes collection, or a book, or meal out.
Huge difference from the skipping meals to feed my young children poverty I had when Stormy was small and Bryon was a baby, and a big difference from when I lived in Green City MO, and thought I would always have plenty of play money.
Much quieter life than when I lived in Idaho Falls, far better life than when I lived in Charleston S.C. or Maine.
Lots of years, lots of miles and living, and I am ok with who I am and where I am, but I don't want to go to work today, want to stay home and play in my attic, move stuff to get ready for the weekend project, shelves behind the future bathroom there, want to work on my shelf boards, 3 left to round the edges and sand down a bit, but no, I won't do that. I will go to Cargill and work, and I will spend most of that time alone with tunes cranking in my ears, that iPod Touch I bought myself playing my choice of music.
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