Hurting

I really do understand people/cultures who practice self-mutilation as a part of their grieving process. I don't know if it helps but when you hurt so much inside, it just seems right that some of that suffering and pain show on the outside.
We lost my silly dog, Kid, an accident while he was on an outing with Jake and Ben.   All preventable, if only, but there is no Turing back the clock on this past Saturday and doing anything different.
Kid is dead, buried, gone and I have to find a way to accept, deal with and adjust to that.  As does Jake, whose bed Kid almost always shared.  The house is so empty, birds are their usual loud selves but without Kid, it is an empty house.  No more battles about who goes out the door first, no more nose poking and dog nudging and digging me out of bed early in the morning to take him out for potty call.  No more nose pushing aside the curtain on the south living room window so he could watch traffic or watch me mow.
Lost my yard work, flower bed supervisor, my hard black tail beating on me, huge feet in the way,  big dog crowding me through doorways, supervisor for long soaks in the tub with a book.
Glad I was already scheduled for Monday and Tuesday off work, already had flower bed clean up on the plans so am getting that done, along with dividing day lilies, some to go on Kid's grave.
Jake has put in at least 1 application for dog rescue, Lab/Weimaraner breed, I put in a call to someone raising them, puppies all sold.
We know that no other dog will be Kid, but we know his breeding was a big part of what made him such a great dog for both of us.
I just want my Kid back, under foot, in the way, sucking up attention, nudging me to pet him or take him out so he could potty, sniff everything, chase the cats that live around here.
Caught up on laundry, worked on outside/fall clean up and garden chores, grieved, and drew farther away from the world.
Got privacy film up on 2 more windows and on the window in the front door, have enoug left I will probably start on bathroom windows, at least the lower half.  I want the curtains pulled back so I have the light in, but it is not to watch the street, I could care less who is driving by, but I miss having the light in, and miss seeing my flower beds and such.  The film will shut out the view into the house but allow me to have the light, see, and enjoy my own home more.
Finishing up a pair of socks for Jake, got 1 started for mr and might get the mate cast on before I shut down for the night.  Trying to not cry myself to sleep tonight, sleeping with my old bear again, doing a lot of talking to God and think God is okay with me feeling I don't want to go to heaven if there is no dogs there, if I don't have Kid waiting for me there.  Right now, the idea of a heaven without dogs doesn't seem to be any place I could ever be willing to visit, much less be stuck with staying.