Today I lost 1 of my sun conures, Sunny, to old age. The 3 all came to me as babies, Blue and Sunny were still needing hand fed, Feliz was the 1 I had to wait for an egg to hatch and the baby to make it past the 1st week. So, they grew up in my home and have always been 'my kids'. But they are old kids, all are over 18 years old now, that's very old for a Sun Conure, and pretty aged for a Quaker Parrot.
I found him crumpled up on the cage floor, early this morning, I did wrap him in a clean cloth napkin and got a tiny bit of water in him, and knew he was not hurt or sick, but just dying, old age and no young berries for parrots or people. He was comfortable, knew he was loved and died quietly, peacefully and now I grieve and wish I had got him more cinnamon graham crackers, and more Sunny Delight, his favorite food and drink.
For more than 18 years these 3 parrots have shared my life and home, they have been my companions through relationships failing, through jobs ending, moved with me 4 times and have coped with this old house and on-going renovations for 13+ years now. Most of their lives has been lived in this renovation nightmare, and they have been the why some days work did get done and why I worked hard to get back to work after that damn accident. Quality parrot food is not cheap, these are not cheap kids, their toys are not cheap and they have a rather pricey cage to live and play in.
For me, they have been the only constant living beings in my life, I have never lived with any human as long as I have these parrots, not with my birth parents, not with my grandparents, none of my kids and I lived together, continuously, for so long. And I sure have not been able to make any relationship last with any man anywhere close to as long as the Feathered kids and I have been a family. So, ya, it really hurts to loose this small, loud, food throwing child, who grew old while I kept them the kids in my mind.
I know he had a good parrot life with me, know he was a content parrot and will be missed by his cage mates and by me. And I am working on accepting that Feliz is almost the same age, there might be 2 months difference in their ages but not much more than that. I expect to outlive my parrots, which is far easier on them than if they outlived me but I'm sad an hurting.
Right now I want to believe, like a small child, that they have souls and Sunny is now flitting around all the awesome beauty of a very natural heaven, not buildings and streets of gold, but trees and fruits and a safe world where he can fly free, where there are people he can go bug and steal sips of Sunny Delight from, and get to rob popcorn and shredded wheat from. I don't want a heaven that doesn't have loud and happy parrots flitting about. And I don't want to think about living in a house that has no parrots or only 1 sad and lonely old parrot.
But Blue and Feliz will probably be my last parrots, and Shadow might be my last dog, it's very hard on pets when the owner dies and no one is there to want them and take them. And that is the reality of my life and my world. They have me and I have them and I know that's just where it is. Ben's still living here in Beardstown but has his own life and I rarely see him. He's not going to take my dog or parrots, and I will be lucky if he pet sits for my vacation.
My rather solitary and single life really does work for me, and I like it, but today, loosing Sunny, I know the drawbacks, there is no one to comfort me, and there are a very few people I would even accept any comfort from, 1 is in Mexico, and Ben is busy doing that living his life stuff... ya, very short list.
So, I did the laundry and it's dry, folded and in the house, and I buried my much loved Sunny, under the south kitchen window, and I cleaned the bird cage tray, which needed done today and I cleaned the floor below the cage, another chore that was on today's list. And I've hid in the studio, and worked on tweaking a doll pattern for a doll. And I've cried, time and time again, and I will do more of that crying, but I know Sunny didn't suffer, his death was a natural process of life, and hes buried without a box or wrap, so that his body returns to the earth, not from where he was born but this sandy little town where we have spent most of his life.
And I will heal, and miss him and know that Feliz will probably be leaving me before I retire from the plant, Quakers are longer lived, but Blue has never been the only parrot, I don't know how he will adjust if/when that happens. Another hill in life I will have to climb when I get there.
I don't live the life that many I work with do, and I'm ok with that, I live the life that works for me, and I know right now I am shutting people out, both in the real world and in cyber land, but I grieve alone, I tuck into my space/home/thoughts and mourn alone, and that's been how I've done it all my life, from small losses as a child to the big ones, I pull into myself and grieve and mourn alone. There is no sharing my pain, it's not an apple or an orange you can take and cut into pieces, it's a hurt inside that I just have to deal with, and think on and sort out and find a balance and acceptance of what I cannot change.
There are so many people whose lives are not as comfortable as mine is, as financially stable as mine is, or as mine can be, it is still an old house needing work but it's a warm house in the winter, and cool enough to be comfortable, for us, anyways, in the summer and there is always food, in fact these parrots have always had expensive parrot pellets that are healthy and abundant, Mom makes sure of that and good water and even a water dish big enough to bath in. We have a stable, safe and secure little world here in this old river town and this old house. I've worked to provide that, for myself, my pets, my sons, and am glad I have been able to.
This afternoon is a bit easier than this morning was, and I know tomorrow will be a little easier but I do understand why people with emotional problems and mental issues often cut themselves, there's that part of me that thinks if I can give myself physical pain, it might lessen the emotional pain that Sunny's dying has given me. I know it will not, and I am not going to deliberately hurt myself, if I even stub a toe, it will be an accident. But, today, I really do 'get it' as to why people start doing that.
I will stick with playing with my dolls and my knitting, it works for me and I know that no physical pain will ease the grief that Sunny dying has caused, not his fault, just part of caring for anything, especially anything living.
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