People from the past

I once loved a young man, built my dreams and life around him and he and drugs pulled my world apart, shattered my dreams, I was a messed up wreck for a very long time, and even believed I was the one who failed.  

And years went by, we got back together, another child was conceived and born and drugs were still a part of his life, and making a mess of my life, the lives of my children and destroying any chance any of us had for a deceit life, a good future.  His parents helped me move myself and my children over a mountain pass, to a place where I had friends and could pick up the pieces and find a way to build my life again, he made the choice to deny being the father of my new baby, chose to throw away that child and the chance to have any part in that baby's life.

Many years have gone by, that baby boy will soon turn 29, it has been over 28.5 years now, and never once has my son asked about the man who fathered him, to see photos or know any details about that sperm donner, because he was that, not a father.

Yesterday through Facebook I was asked about helping him contact my son, that far ago past trying to reach out and touch my life and that of my now adult son.  Stupid how that managed to upset me, shake my foundations, depress me, and totally piss me off.  I will not help that old man, who still, no doubt smokes pot and might still play with other stuff, contact me or my son.  And if asked, I will not help that child I gave birth to get in touch with that man.  

That is a road I will not walk, I cannot control what others do, but I can control what I do, and the choices I make in my life.

This life here in central Illinois is my life, no one built it for me, no one has paid the bills for it, I have done it, and paid the price.  I am the one who has worked long and hard hours at meat packing plants for the paychecks and the benefits that have built this life, and bought the stuff I have in this life, from my house to my bike and scooter, from the table I made, with some help, to the IPad I am using to write this, my hard work has paid the bills.

I know many think pot is not such a big deal, but it is here, keep it out of my house, vehicle, property and my life.  And if you mess with it, I will keep you out of my life, my right of choice, and my right to exclude drugs, drinking, porn and a few other things from my life.

I am not in charge of the lives of other people and their choices, but I do have the right to the choices in my life and in what and who is a part of my life.  And I have the right to live my life in peace with the balance I have achieved, and worked hard for.