Somehow last night at work I was thinking about what all is going on in the world and how much I really, really MISS having someone to talk to that really talks about the global economic condition, about who is really funding political campaigns, about what wind generators might or might not do. I miss having someone who will push me to use my brains, to think, to dig out the facts and to form my own opinion on some huge issues.
My grandfather is the 1 who first pushed me to think and use my brains, from the time I was 8 or 9, he had me reading adult books on religion, politics, history, you name it, he had an interest, he had me reading so he had someone to debate with, to talk with, to think with.
And Sam, Ben and Jake's dad, that man used his brains, we had subscriptions to some heavy news and science publications, we read them, we watched the news, we talked and debated and weighed the issues, long talks, lots of brain work.
Now I feel like I live in a 'brain vacuum' and although I know some great and very special people, none of them seem to want to think hard, chase facts, read/watch and think about what is going on around us.
I miss that, I want to talk to someone about the foreclosure issues, about wind power and where it might be going, about water rights and water shortages world wide and what that will/might do to us and everyone in the coming years. I want to discuss and debate the climate change and what we really do know, what the facts are.
It's no wonder I find so many people boring if I spend much time with them. And find men to be often not worth my time now. It's not that I don't like them, but if they don't really use their brains and think beyond their own lives, conversation with them gets dull and boring.
I don't think I have become hugely different because of this accident in January but I do know I don't want to waste my time on boring people when it comes to being a part of my real personal time and space.
I value the friendship D.H. and I now have, but it won't ever go back to a sexual relationship, he doesn't think far enough outside of his world. And I don't want sex just because a man wants it, I have no interest or desire for sex right now, and I am very ok with that. And my personal time is very limited now that I am back at work and my work hours, split shift, days on the weekend, 2nd shift Monday-Wedensday makes it hard to have any quality time with someone who works different hours.
Now that the Free Methodist church in Rushville is doing Bible Study on Sunday evenings I can attend that, not the same as church and Sunday School, I miss that but love my work schedule that I have. So, I will make the effort to go to Rushville after a very busy work shift and enjoy Bible Study on Sunday evenings but I will not make the effort to go to Springfield with D.H. to eat out and play.
I want to move beyond where this accident has me, I want to like who I have become now, I know I have changed in ways I am still figuring out, not huge changes but sure did sort out what really matters to me and who I really am.
Today makes my last work day of my work week, I need to get some more work done in the garden clean up and I have plans to go to Springfield Friday and I need to get the finances in good order and the checkbook register in order before that happens and get a few bills paid and know what bills I will be paying in the next few weeks so I can start getting a working budget and pattern for my finances once again. More paperwork, man, my life seems to revolve around paperwork.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Trying to pick up those pieces
Well, I'm back at work finally and have seen a lawyer about this accident and the settlement. IL state laws limit the amount the auto insurance company can be made to pay out to the value of the policy. I do have a right to a certified copy of that policy and must request it in writing. So, that means after all the bills are paid I will receive very little from this accident.
I did get my lost wages while I was off work and am glad mark young carried a policy high enough for that and the medical bills.
When I think of how much I have lost mobility wise, how farther behind financially I am now, when I think about the 8.5+ months of my life spent with recovery and pain, of the pain I get to live with the rest of my life...
It's a huge black hole that I will not let myself be sucked down into. I am going to get my finances back into working order, I am going to take care of my little place, the old house and the tiny lot it sits on.
I will not let Mark Young's poor choices in life ruin mine. It has changed it but I will not let it ruin my life.
This accident has changed the person I am, in ways I am still figuring out, but I can live with the woman I am. I am tougher, I am meaner, I have less tolerance for others, both at work and in my personal life.
I have so much emotional hurt and anger over this accident and there's not much I can do with it. Mark Young is dead, writing his widow an ugly letter doesn't do much to change anything for the better in my life and she wasn't in that car, she wasn't driving it. They had a fight over his adultery but she did not make the decision to pass those 2 cars at high speed or to not try to minimize the impact to the oncoming vehicle, my little red truck.
I am back at work, I have a tiny bit each week going into savings, I can pay my own bills once again on my earnings, and State Farm will get the medical bills from this accident paid and off my back.
My credit stinks now but I will work on paying down the credit debt and I will work on tightening my budget, getting more practical about money.
This old house comes first, I have to be able to keep working on the repairs, that leaking roof has to be fixed as soon as possible. I have to get that credit debt paid off and some of those accounts closed. I cannot afford to live like I have in the past, it's time to make some personal changes IF I want my life to be workable, if I want this old house repaired.
I have to live in this world, and not spend too much time dreaming about what it could have been or what the lottery would do but deal with the here and now.
Winter is coming and I need to plan for that, the furnace needs a new filter and that needs done soon. I do have 1 air conditioner out but I need to either remove the 1 in my bedroom or cover the outside again this year.
Kid will need a house and some sort of heating in that this winter if Ben isn't living here, it will be too cold for him to be out all the hours I am at work without some heat.
But I have some really good solid friends and I have my job, my sewing and knitting and I will get through this, it won't be easy. But the past 9 months have not been easy either.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
I'm finally back to work
Today was my first day, it felt so good to be walking back into the plant. I have so much to catch up on, some new stock, some stuff has moved to different locations, some new procedures and new policy changes. But I will work with someone for a few days while I get caught back up and that helps.
It will take some long and hard work weeks for my body to adjust to being back at work again. And I know I will have a lot of pain from the damaged foot and from the change in my gait. But at least now I can feel like there is a start to getting my life back into some sort of livable order.
Did have a 'congrats' e-mail from the MF but put it into a file and will not reply. That is a door that is closed and I am not even going to open a window a smidge in that direction, not at this time and probably not ever.
Do have a lot that has to be dealt with in the coming months, do know finances will be terribly tight for months as I get medical bills paid on and the house payment caught up and so forth.
But at least I am heading in the right direction finally.
Maybe I will start sleeping better, maybe some of the nightmares will slow down, better yet, maybe they will even end.
I'm not making a lot of knitting progress on the red Aran but know it will get done soon, won't knit on it when I am so tired as I make mistakes and then have to rip it back and re-knit and that's no progress either.
Time to shut down and get the dog walked and get to bed
It will take some long and hard work weeks for my body to adjust to being back at work again. And I know I will have a lot of pain from the damaged foot and from the change in my gait. But at least now I can feel like there is a start to getting my life back into some sort of livable order.
Did have a 'congrats' e-mail from the MF but put it into a file and will not reply. That is a door that is closed and I am not even going to open a window a smidge in that direction, not at this time and probably not ever.
Do have a lot that has to be dealt with in the coming months, do know finances will be terribly tight for months as I get medical bills paid on and the house payment caught up and so forth.
But at least I am heading in the right direction finally.
Maybe I will start sleeping better, maybe some of the nightmares will slow down, better yet, maybe they will even end.
I'm not making a lot of knitting progress on the red Aran but know it will get done soon, won't knit on it when I am so tired as I make mistakes and then have to rip it back and re-knit and that's no progress either.
Time to shut down and get the dog walked and get to bed
Friday, September 17, 2010
Attitude, working on attitude
I get so vexed and stressed fast now, know that will be a problem with work if I don't start dealing with it now. I have so little control over things now, or so it feels, my whole life seems to have slipped out of my grasp.
Patience and I have always battled, I can sit and cane a chair for hours, can knit for hours, it helpes me control me, but that does not do all the other things I just cannot put my hands on and work my way.
State Farm doesn't have my lost wages check yet, agent is out of the office and was out yesterday, another agent could do it but I can wait until Monday and I am going to wait until Monday. Things are not always on my time schedule and making myself wait helps me with that not having it on my schedule but making my schedule work with what makes the most practical sense and works for others.
Letting go of the new bike really makes waves in my head, it's another one of those things I have to accept giving up because of this accident. And at times the price is so bloody damn high, and I know the rest of my life I will pay over and over because 1 man was in a big hurry and pulled into the west bound lane to pass several cars when the traffic conditions were unsafe.
He is very dead, and I am still alive, he had very good insurance, I had no pre-existing medical conditions that this accident aggrivated, all my mobility issues are because of this accident.
So, there will, in time, be a really good settlement, all those medical bills paid, Ben will be paid for the time he spent taking care of me when I was unable to care for myself, for the mowing he did when I was unable to mow my own lawn. And the cash settlement that will, in time, be paid to me will change a lot of things in my life, financially.
But it will never give me back the balance I used to have, the ability to roller skate, to dance, to work on roofs, to go up and down stairs easily. I won't ever run again and I can't ride a bike very easily. I'm getting used to some pain all the time, have to think about it to decide if I hurt more than 'normal' or not.
God has really taken good care of me, my life is rich with blessings and I do know and appreciate that, but walking my dog is a hard and pain filled walk that I force myself to do, knowing it's good for the dog and for me. Knowing walking now will make those first days at work just a bit easier.
And I used to go skipping into the plant, filled with joy, and I want ALL of that back and am afraid I have lost most of it and might loose all of it. I am afraid I will not be able to keep my job and all the wonderful benefits that come with it and the way it makes me feel about me. That most of all, it makes me feel worthwhile and valuable and important.
If I can't work, I don't know where I will find value in the person I will then be--disabled, at 54, will I look in my mirror and see a disabled cripple? Or will I find myself a new image?
That life roadmap is still mangled pieces I can't find a way to re-assemble and that too scares me.
Patience and I have always battled, I can sit and cane a chair for hours, can knit for hours, it helpes me control me, but that does not do all the other things I just cannot put my hands on and work my way.
State Farm doesn't have my lost wages check yet, agent is out of the office and was out yesterday, another agent could do it but I can wait until Monday and I am going to wait until Monday. Things are not always on my time schedule and making myself wait helps me with that not having it on my schedule but making my schedule work with what makes the most practical sense and works for others.
Letting go of the new bike really makes waves in my head, it's another one of those things I have to accept giving up because of this accident. And at times the price is so bloody damn high, and I know the rest of my life I will pay over and over because 1 man was in a big hurry and pulled into the west bound lane to pass several cars when the traffic conditions were unsafe.
He is very dead, and I am still alive, he had very good insurance, I had no pre-existing medical conditions that this accident aggrivated, all my mobility issues are because of this accident.
So, there will, in time, be a really good settlement, all those medical bills paid, Ben will be paid for the time he spent taking care of me when I was unable to care for myself, for the mowing he did when I was unable to mow my own lawn. And the cash settlement that will, in time, be paid to me will change a lot of things in my life, financially.
But it will never give me back the balance I used to have, the ability to roller skate, to dance, to work on roofs, to go up and down stairs easily. I won't ever run again and I can't ride a bike very easily. I'm getting used to some pain all the time, have to think about it to decide if I hurt more than 'normal' or not.
God has really taken good care of me, my life is rich with blessings and I do know and appreciate that, but walking my dog is a hard and pain filled walk that I force myself to do, knowing it's good for the dog and for me. Knowing walking now will make those first days at work just a bit easier.
And I used to go skipping into the plant, filled with joy, and I want ALL of that back and am afraid I have lost most of it and might loose all of it. I am afraid I will not be able to keep my job and all the wonderful benefits that come with it and the way it makes me feel about me. That most of all, it makes me feel worthwhile and valuable and important.
If I can't work, I don't know where I will find value in the person I will then be--disabled, at 54, will I look in my mirror and see a disabled cripple? Or will I find myself a new image?
That life roadmap is still mangled pieces I can't find a way to re-assemble and that too scares me.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Strange Dreams
Sunday night I dreamed about a baby camel that was dying of thirst and a UPS? van went and parked in my way when I was trying to pack water to the baby camel. Now, why I dreamed about a baby camel here in my back yard I have NO idea, or why I didn't just use the hose and water tap. I have 3 outside, no freeze taps, and hoses...Kid woke me up and so I don't know what happened. And I sure don't understand that dream.
Last night's dream was that 20+ acres I hope to own and planting trees and watching the house start up. And I still can't see that floor plan so guess I better play with my rough plans again. I have decided I need a library area that can display dolls and have a lot of the books and something that can easily turn into sleeping space for a guest.
The skies are blue, I hope to get started on caning that chair today while it's nice, it's a job that works best outside as it's a wet job.
Love the striped sweater and need to wash and block it, it's getting time to seriously think about buying a sweater board for blocking/drying my sweaters on. I own 3 good hand knit sweaters and this last 1 has to be hand washed and dryed. The blue one should be, but the pink Gansey is very machine washable and dryable. I love that Regia silk blend sock yarn and want enough in fingering wt to knit another sweater. The sport weight one is great but heavy sweater, would be nice to have one in a lighter weight.
Kid is busy this morning and I need to take us for a walk, it's been too many days that I have not walked us.
I think the foot is about as healed up as it will get, and I hope the foot and I do well at Cargill, that State FArm and I can get things settled by early in the coming year. That I can have that piece of land I want and build a good, solid, handicapped planned house and plant my trees and flowers and build my life into something worth having.
Last night's dream was that 20+ acres I hope to own and planting trees and watching the house start up. And I still can't see that floor plan so guess I better play with my rough plans again. I have decided I need a library area that can display dolls and have a lot of the books and something that can easily turn into sleeping space for a guest.
The skies are blue, I hope to get started on caning that chair today while it's nice, it's a job that works best outside as it's a wet job.
Love the striped sweater and need to wash and block it, it's getting time to seriously think about buying a sweater board for blocking/drying my sweaters on. I own 3 good hand knit sweaters and this last 1 has to be hand washed and dryed. The blue one should be, but the pink Gansey is very machine washable and dryable. I love that Regia silk blend sock yarn and want enough in fingering wt to knit another sweater. The sport weight one is great but heavy sweater, would be nice to have one in a lighter weight.
Kid is busy this morning and I need to take us for a walk, it's been too many days that I have not walked us.
I think the foot is about as healed up as it will get, and I hope the foot and I do well at Cargill, that State FArm and I can get things settled by early in the coming year. That I can have that piece of land I want and build a good, solid, handicapped planned house and plant my trees and flowers and build my life into something worth having.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Rains and phone calls
It's gray and we've had light rains but not enough to wake me with water dripping on my head, I did move the bed out, just in case. Jake called around 4 am, long line waiting to call home so he couldn't talk long, he's ok, glad laptop got here and said the power cord was stolen so I now can safely order 1 and not find the original showing up in the mail.
Thnat man sent me an e-mail, he's reading the other blog, don't think he can easily find this one, I hope not, I want someplace I can write freely and express myself freely and so now have a 2nd blog. I just do better with a keyboard now than a pen and journal.
He says he took care of the capital gains taxes when the salvage yard was sold, he says he will take care of his income taxes, says he never set out to decieve me, and will deal with the mortgage and foreclosure. OK, ok, ya, ya.
But that does not change the facts, he and Annette went from financially stable to poverty and deep in debt, that he did not re-invest that money from the sold business that made his living into something that would make him a living again. And that a very overpriced and poorly designed house was built and that mortgage that he was clearly on, he very clearly lied to me about being on.
I can honestly say I miss the phone conversations with him, and putting him out of my life was not an easy choice but it was the long term smart choice, both financially and emotionally. He and I do not see or handle financal matters the same, our priorities are different, and what we want or see for the future are far different.
I cannot see a reason to try and continue any sort of 'friendship' with him. I don't have a lot of friends, by my own choice, and I do not need a lot of men friends, or I can say I have enough good solid ones that are here.
The trust and believe in him as someone I could build something with is gone, and I don't want him to decieve himself or anyone else into thinking we might have a future together. He did not 'blow' that, his financial management was something that was 'lurking' in the back and would have come to the surface sometime, it's better for me that it happened as quickly as it did.
So, the basic foundation materials were not there for me to be able to build a long term and committed relationship with that man. I am, at 54, not willing to take on someone with that much debt load, that long history of financial/life management and health management that is so far different from how I do such things.
I am not going to change who I am and I am not going to ever be 'ok' with such a huge difference in things that matter to me. I just am not willing to help support and provide for a man who has not taken care of himself and his financial matters for his own future and life. He has had more oppertunity to have built a solid base, more oppertunity to have some security for his later years but has not. He took vacations and did that cruise ship thing more than once but neglected to invest some money into his own health and dental care.
I have had some vacations, doll conventions but my financial stability was first and taking care of my body, keeping it healthy has always been something I have done. I have lived far more stable than he has, although he has earned more than me, has had the ability to earn more than me.
We make very different choices with a lot of things. I admit I have major security issues and trust issues, I will not trust anyone when it comes to finances, I want proof and I want paperwork, finances are business. I will not put my long term security and life in the hands of someone else, it's my responsibility to ensure my future, not theirs, and my job to take care of, make the decisions for that life and also decide it's direction.
I did put the e-mail in a file but I am not going to answer it. I need to walk away, and I have done that, I need to keep him out of my life and I will continue to do that. I do now know that we have no future together, I am not sure we could have ever made it work when we were young. There is no turning back time, the years have gone and I am moving foreward with my life in the directions it needs to go.
Thnat man sent me an e-mail, he's reading the other blog, don't think he can easily find this one, I hope not, I want someplace I can write freely and express myself freely and so now have a 2nd blog. I just do better with a keyboard now than a pen and journal.
He says he took care of the capital gains taxes when the salvage yard was sold, he says he will take care of his income taxes, says he never set out to decieve me, and will deal with the mortgage and foreclosure. OK, ok, ya, ya.
But that does not change the facts, he and Annette went from financially stable to poverty and deep in debt, that he did not re-invest that money from the sold business that made his living into something that would make him a living again. And that a very overpriced and poorly designed house was built and that mortgage that he was clearly on, he very clearly lied to me about being on.
I can honestly say I miss the phone conversations with him, and putting him out of my life was not an easy choice but it was the long term smart choice, both financially and emotionally. He and I do not see or handle financal matters the same, our priorities are different, and what we want or see for the future are far different.
I cannot see a reason to try and continue any sort of 'friendship' with him. I don't have a lot of friends, by my own choice, and I do not need a lot of men friends, or I can say I have enough good solid ones that are here.
The trust and believe in him as someone I could build something with is gone, and I don't want him to decieve himself or anyone else into thinking we might have a future together. He did not 'blow' that, his financial management was something that was 'lurking' in the back and would have come to the surface sometime, it's better for me that it happened as quickly as it did.
So, the basic foundation materials were not there for me to be able to build a long term and committed relationship with that man. I am, at 54, not willing to take on someone with that much debt load, that long history of financial/life management and health management that is so far different from how I do such things.
I am not going to change who I am and I am not going to ever be 'ok' with such a huge difference in things that matter to me. I just am not willing to help support and provide for a man who has not taken care of himself and his financial matters for his own future and life. He has had more oppertunity to have built a solid base, more oppertunity to have some security for his later years but has not. He took vacations and did that cruise ship thing more than once but neglected to invest some money into his own health and dental care.
I have had some vacations, doll conventions but my financial stability was first and taking care of my body, keeping it healthy has always been something I have done. I have lived far more stable than he has, although he has earned more than me, has had the ability to earn more than me.
We make very different choices with a lot of things. I admit I have major security issues and trust issues, I will not trust anyone when it comes to finances, I want proof and I want paperwork, finances are business. I will not put my long term security and life in the hands of someone else, it's my responsibility to ensure my future, not theirs, and my job to take care of, make the decisions for that life and also decide it's direction.
I did put the e-mail in a file but I am not going to answer it. I need to walk away, and I have done that, I need to keep him out of my life and I will continue to do that. I do now know that we have no future together, I am not sure we could have ever made it work when we were young. There is no turning back time, the years have gone and I am moving foreward with my life in the directions it needs to go.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
A new month, a new attitude???
I am going to work on some attitude improvement, some more patience with my body and it's healing, less with my #2 son who really needs to do more than camp out in my living room and play games and sleep or go play with his gal pal. I told him he gets a 30 day move out notice when he was here today.
I am going to push myself to do more on the neglected sewing and knitting projects, and see if I can get some things done and out of the way. I have the new chair ready to cane, and am waiting for the cane to get here.
I do have most of the paperwork I need to get done ready for State Farm, shoes and sweater replacement stuff and started 1 for all the trips to the doctor, that 1 I will not print out yet as I will have probably at least 1 or 2 more visits to Dr. Mulshine before being released to work.
I have a lot of concerns about my foot tolerating the work load, Right now I think the odds of my foot making the work load is about 50-75% and that discourages me. But I do know the foot has come a long way, the pain has dropped a lot, the swelling issues are also less so there has been huge progress. And I could be dealing with far worse injuries.
I am making progress on keeping the budget tighter and better in balance, and in making sure I get the groceries bought and in cooking meals and keeping me fed in a timely mannor. I still have bouts of depression or anger, but not as often or as long lasting. I am trying to not be discouraged at what I haven't gotten done on this house, on my debt load, in my garden in the past 8 months.
I have done what I could, have not slacked off very much, and at times have pushed my foot very hard, there is no way I could have gotten the north bathroom window changed out but I could have kept a tighter rein on my finances and had less credit debt by now. I have spent too much on dolls and other not necessary things.
The trips out west were also added money and credit spent that might or might not been the wisest decisions but I got to know a lot, see a lot and then made some better decisions long term because of those long conversations. Ones that will protect my financial stability long term so the cost balances out well for me.
I'm glad Kid has come into my life, and do not begrudge the costs or the fact that he just romped on my damaged foot. He doesn't know and he is doing well for a young pup, a very big, young pup.
And some day I will not be living in a house with a roof that leaks on my head.
I am going to push myself to do more on the neglected sewing and knitting projects, and see if I can get some things done and out of the way. I have the new chair ready to cane, and am waiting for the cane to get here.
I do have most of the paperwork I need to get done ready for State Farm, shoes and sweater replacement stuff and started 1 for all the trips to the doctor, that 1 I will not print out yet as I will have probably at least 1 or 2 more visits to Dr. Mulshine before being released to work.
I have a lot of concerns about my foot tolerating the work load, Right now I think the odds of my foot making the work load is about 50-75% and that discourages me. But I do know the foot has come a long way, the pain has dropped a lot, the swelling issues are also less so there has been huge progress. And I could be dealing with far worse injuries.
I am making progress on keeping the budget tighter and better in balance, and in making sure I get the groceries bought and in cooking meals and keeping me fed in a timely mannor. I still have bouts of depression or anger, but not as often or as long lasting. I am trying to not be discouraged at what I haven't gotten done on this house, on my debt load, in my garden in the past 8 months.
I have done what I could, have not slacked off very much, and at times have pushed my foot very hard, there is no way I could have gotten the north bathroom window changed out but I could have kept a tighter rein on my finances and had less credit debt by now. I have spent too much on dolls and other not necessary things.
The trips out west were also added money and credit spent that might or might not been the wisest decisions but I got to know a lot, see a lot and then made some better decisions long term because of those long conversations. Ones that will protect my financial stability long term so the cost balances out well for me.
I'm glad Kid has come into my life, and do not begrudge the costs or the fact that he just romped on my damaged foot. He doesn't know and he is doing well for a young pup, a very big, young pup.
And some day I will not be living in a house with a roof that leaks on my head.
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