Changes

The season is changing, the trees are loosing their leaves and despite the 75 degrees today I know fall is here. Another summer has come and gone here in IL, but I didn't make much progress with the garden or the flower beds or with the old house renovations.
I did make a lot of progress with healing from the January car accident. And now I will work on dealing with the changes that has made in me, in my abilities and in who I have become.
I'm really glad to be home now, it was a long and busy work day for me, all the work shifts are long and pain filled hours now, and I miss the ability to put in an 8 hour shift and go skipping out of the plant with plenty of energy to work in the garden or go some place.
But I have made over 3 weeks back in the plant, and each week I gain a bit more strength and things get just a tiny bit easier. It will be a long and slow improvement but I am doing my share of the work load.
I'm hoping State Farm will get this settled fast once I have my final doctor appointment. I have moved it up to mid-November. I would like to know all the medical bills are paid, that I no longer have those co-pays to worry about fitting into my budget and can instead work on the co-pays on my doctor/medical bills from the appendix project and on paying down that huge amount of credit debt I have now (again).
Think about M.F. and wonder how he is doing but won't reply to either of the 2 e-mails he sent me, just filed them away. I don't know why he lied about that huge mortgage he was on, and think there is a big chance he is also on that credit debt he said she had. I know financially I cannot and will not deal with that debt load.
I will deal with my debt load and my old house with the leaking roof. I will deal with my foot and leg and my problems. And I will hope he has a good life and that he is doing well but I know not checking and not communicating is what is in my best interest.
And I am not going to get involved 'romantically' or sexually with D. H. again, but will be glad we have a friendship of sorts. It's not a close and tight friendship and I don't want that at this time with anyone. I don't have much to give to a relationship right now and I might never have much to give.
That doesn't bother or worry me, it's where I am 'at' in my life at this time and place. I need my life for me right now and I need to not worry about others and about their problems.
I'm really hurting a lot tonight so will do the futon and tv and my knitting and Kid for company and be very glad I don't work day shift tomorrow.
I need to make a list of what needs paid and have a budget plan for the coming paycheck, that is something I need to start working on so I have bills paid on time once again and so that I can know what needs paid and when once again.

Back to work, back to dealing with my co-workers

I was raised with really good work ethics, and I like them. I like doing a good job, co-operating with management and trying to get along. That's not the norm where I am working, and I get stressed but I know I can't change those people and I won't let them change me. I like being the person I am and if that is a problem for them, it's their problem, not mine.
I get stressed a bit faster now but the stresses are different. I don't feel responsible for their poor work, or that I need to 'fix' what they have done wrong and I no longer am bothered by the union steward's attitude or by the head games they play.
I am back at work, in time I will have the settlement of this auto accident behind me, and those medical bills behind me. I will keep working on my old house and I will keep on paying down my credit debt, cleaning up and doing stuff with my tiny lot here.
I am not going to get upset about the weight I have gained, it's not much but those 10+ year old Rockies don't fit and I have left them off at the local charity, and I have a few other things I will drop off. I will buy new and larger jeans, I don't need to wear my pants like paper on the wall and I don't have to dress to suit anyone except myself now.
I did go to the western wear store in Springfield today and tried on a pair of jeans but didn't buy them. I knew I could find the same or similar for a lower price on line. I haven't shopped for anything other than work clothes and yarns, dolls for years.
I am glad I was able to work overtime yesterday and I will willingly work overtime every chance I get, and I don't really give a shit if some of the rest of supply crew get in a snit, whine or otherwise get ugly.
My life isn't perfect but I am working very hard to put it back together after the car accident ripped it to pieces. It's been a long and hard 8-9 months and I will not let those nasty attitudes at work damage what I have worked so hard to rebuild.
I didn't check my lottery tickets, until I check them I can still dream acres out of town and a monolithic dome house and all that other stuff.
Well, it's time to shut this down and knit on my current sweater or Jake's socks, relax as I know I will have a busy Saturday and maybe even 12 hours.

What I'm really missing lately

Somehow last night at work I was thinking about what all is going on in the world and how much I really, really MISS having someone to talk to that really talks about the global economic condition, about who is really funding political campaigns, about what wind generators might or might not do. I miss having someone who will push me to use my brains, to think, to dig out the facts and to form my own opinion on some huge issues.
My grandfather is the 1 who first pushed me to think and use my brains, from the time I was 8 or 9, he had me reading adult books on religion, politics, history, you name it, he had an interest, he had me reading so he had someone to debate with, to talk with, to think with.
And Sam, Ben and Jake's dad, that man used his brains, we had subscriptions to some heavy news and science publications, we read them, we watched the news, we talked and debated and weighed the issues, long talks, lots of brain work.
Now I feel like I live in a 'brain vacuum' and although I know some great and very special people, none of them seem to want to think hard, chase facts, read/watch and think about what is going on around us.
I miss that, I want to talk to someone about the foreclosure issues, about wind power and where it might be going, about water rights and water shortages world wide and what that will/might do to us and everyone in the coming years. I want to discuss and debate the climate change and what we really do know, what the facts are.
It's no wonder I find so many people boring if I spend much time with them. And find men to be often not worth my time now. It's not that I don't like them, but if they don't really use their brains and think beyond their own lives, conversation with them gets dull and boring.
I don't think I have become hugely different because of this accident in January but I do know I don't want to waste my time on boring people when it comes to being a part of my real personal time and space.
I value the friendship D.H. and I now have, but it won't ever go back to a sexual relationship, he doesn't think far enough outside of his world. And I don't want sex just because a man wants it, I have no interest or desire for sex right now, and I am very ok with that. And my personal time is very limited now that I am back at work and my work hours, split shift, days on the weekend, 2nd shift Monday-Wedensday makes it hard to have any quality time with someone who works different hours.
Now that the Free Methodist church in Rushville is doing Bible Study on Sunday evenings I can attend that, not the same as church and Sunday School, I miss that but love my work schedule that I have. So, I will make the effort to go to Rushville after a very busy work shift and enjoy Bible Study on Sunday evenings but I will not make the effort to go to Springfield with D.H. to eat out and play.
I want to move beyond where this accident has me, I want to like who I have become now, I know I have changed in ways I am still figuring out, not huge changes but sure did sort out what really matters to me and who I really am.
Today makes my last work day of my work week, I need to get some more work done in the garden clean up and I have plans to go to Springfield Friday and I need to get the finances in good order and the checkbook register in order before that happens and get a few bills paid and know what bills I will be paying in the next few weeks so I can start getting a working budget and pattern for my finances once again. More paperwork, man, my life seems to revolve around paperwork.

Trying to pick up those pieces

Well, I'm back at work finally and have seen a lawyer about this accident and the settlement. IL state laws limit the amount the auto insurance company can be made to pay out to the value of the policy. I do have a right to a certified copy of that policy and must request it in writing. So, that means after all the bills are paid I will receive very little from this accident.
I did get my lost wages while I was off work and am glad mark young carried a policy high enough for that and the medical bills.
When I think of how much I have lost mobility wise, how farther behind financially I am now, when I think about the 8.5+ months of my life spent with recovery and pain, of the pain I get to live with the rest of my life...
It's a huge black hole that I will not let myself be sucked down into. I am going to get my finances back into working order, I am going to take care of my little place, the old house and the tiny lot it sits on.
I will not let Mark Young's poor choices in life ruin mine. It has changed it but I will not let it ruin my life.
This accident has changed the person I am, in ways I am still figuring out, but I can live with the woman I am. I am tougher, I am meaner, I have less tolerance for others, both at work and in my personal life.
I have so much emotional hurt and anger over this accident and there's not much I can do with it. Mark Young is dead, writing his widow an ugly letter doesn't do much to change anything for the better in my life and she wasn't in that car, she wasn't driving it. They had a fight over his adultery but she did not make the decision to pass those 2 cars at high speed or to not try to minimize the impact to the oncoming vehicle, my little red truck.
I am back at work, I have a tiny bit each week going into savings, I can pay my own bills once again on my earnings, and State Farm will get the medical bills from this accident paid and off my back.
My credit stinks now but I will work on paying down the credit debt and I will work on tightening my budget, getting more practical about money.
This old house comes first, I have to be able to keep working on the repairs, that leaking roof has to be fixed as soon as possible. I have to get that credit debt paid off and some of those accounts closed. I cannot afford to live like I have in the past, it's time to make some personal changes IF I want my life to be workable, if I want this old house repaired.
I have to live in this world, and not spend too much time dreaming about what it could have been or what the lottery would do but deal with the here and now.
Winter is coming and I need to plan for that, the furnace needs a new filter and that needs done soon. I do have 1 air conditioner out but I need to either remove the 1 in my bedroom or cover the outside again this year.
Kid will need a house and some sort of heating in that this winter if Ben isn't living here, it will be too cold for him to be out all the hours I am at work without some heat.
But I have some really good solid friends and I have my job, my sewing and knitting and I will get through this, it won't be easy. But the past 9 months have not been easy either.

I'm finally back to work

Today was my first day, it felt so good to be walking back into the plant. I have so much to catch up on, some new stock, some stuff has moved to different locations, some new procedures and new policy changes. But I will work with someone for a few days while I get caught back up and that helps.
It will take some long and hard work weeks for my body to adjust to being back at work again. And I know I will have a lot of pain from the damaged foot and from the change in my gait. But at least now I can feel like there is a start to getting my life back into some sort of livable order.
Did have a 'congrats' e-mail from the MF but put it into a file and will not reply. That is a door that is closed and I am not even going to open a window a smidge in that direction, not at this time and probably not ever.
Do have a lot that has to be dealt with in the coming months, do know finances will be terribly tight for months as I get medical bills paid on and the house payment caught up and so forth.
But at least I am heading in the right direction finally.
Maybe I will start sleeping better, maybe some of the nightmares will slow down, better yet, maybe they will even end.
I'm not making a lot of knitting progress on the red Aran but know it will get done soon, won't knit on it when I am so tired as I make mistakes and then have to rip it back and re-knit and that's no progress either.
Time to shut down and get the dog walked and get to bed