Battling the bug problems here. dry and put away again

     Well, it looks like the city is trying to help with the outside bug issues, some, anyway.  They have the code informer out looking for issues on private property that could help harbor and add to the bug problems, like standing water in things like old tires, and tall grasses and weeds, clutter and junk.  All well and good, they are ruffling feathers and keeping posts on the local forum entertaining at times.
     Here at home I have gotten to the vet for flea dope for Shadow, 6 applications which will get us into winter, and $88 for the costs of that.  And it appears that either from my work bag, containing bandanas, hair nets, and such or from the current house son and his out and about visiting people, we are now battling an infestation of bed bugs.  Oh, how nice, and if that adult son had been far more open, blunt, honest about the bug problems he was having down stairs, they might have been being dealt with before they became a problem upstairs.
     Instead he just went elsewhere for several weeks, and only when I caught up with 2 sons about their mess in MY downstairs bedroom did he come home to tackle the mess and discuss the bug issue.
     So, I am spending the money I hoped to restock cupboards this vacation on flea and bed bug bombs and sprays, doing huge amounts of cleaning, laundry and trying to bake my pillows and such soft goods in my truck the next day or two.  I now have a bombing schedule on the white board, and will be bombing every weekend for weeks, which means the birds and their cage go outside to the patio, bombs get set off, I spend 2 hours with the dog on a chain and unhappy, the birds outside and not happy and me sitting with them knitting or reading and watching the clock.  After 2 hours I am in the house to open windows, start house airing, spray areas with flea and bedbug spray and then back outside for 2 hours
      After that 2nd waiting outside time, I get to come in and start wiping down kitchen counters so stuff I took out can come back in, like my iPad and knitting and snacks.  Then I go up and wipe down and clean the bird area, they come in, get back into small pet tote, and get madder, the cage again is taken  apart so it can go back upstairs, clean food and water and the mad birds get back home.  Loads of kitchen stuff to wash and put away again and loads of laundry to wash and dry again.
      This will need done every weekend four more times, skip a weekend and the next weekendshould be the last time until we get infested again by what is becoming a common household problem.  I am glad I have been on vacation this week and did have extra money to buy part of the needed bombs and spray

Dealing with huge changes here.

I     I have been here over 12 years now, and have adjusted to change after change, and keep making my life work, keep paying my bills, supporting myself and at times, others.  And I am just fine with that, had expected to work here, at this plant until I was too disabled or old enough to retire, work for Cargill Meat Solutions, slowly pay down debt, build up some retirement benefits, put a bit in 401K, and just keep this little pattern going.

    But it seems Cargill is selling the entire pork division, including our plant, and so, I will be seeing changes, a new name to the place I work, more paperwork to do, change in who puts my paycheck into my checking account and hopefully who puts my deductions into all the places I have them going, from taxes to savings.

     So, all of us at the plant will be changing who we work for, or will be choosing to leave.  I am going to accept the job I am promised by the sales agreements, and deal with all the paperwork that will take, when the time comes.  Hopefully, once it is done, I will feel my life settle back into the rythem and patterns that I have been working to have my life be.

     I want to continue to work, continue to pay down debt, continue to work on this old house, play with my dolls, sew, knit, read my choice of books and live my funny little quiet life I treasure so much.

And this is the life I have built, day by day, and the financial stability I have created, no one has given it to me.  I have worked for and earned it.  And I have a right to keep it as stable as I can.

     I have sure failed at marriage, and had men fail me too, but I have managed to make my life work, without a man helping to pay the bills, or messing up my life.  And it works here, and I am happy, or most of the time I am happy and content.

     It took me a very long time to get this stable, both financially and emotionally, mentally but I have gotten there and am not going to let the plant ownership change rock that or any person rock that.  I am too old to want to play that game and I don't miss the company or attentions of a man, nor do I miss their attitudes, issues and wants and needs.  Maybe that is part of aging, I am not too worried about it, I sure don't need romance, and if I want some, there are silly books and movies handy to entertain me without causing my finances or my emotions any hardship.

     This past year has really settled out for me, I ended dating and started real living my life, my way, for my wants and needs.  I am more stable, my financial world is more solid, my old house has made some very needed progress and I am doing what I want or need to with my off work time.

     But I do wish we would see less rain and some good motorcycle riding time on weekends, and less biting bugs that seem to attack me every time I walk out the door.

Rains and then more rains

     Well, things are growing well, and it is challenging to weed at Clayville.org due to wet ground, the lawn here gets mowed as I can get to it, Monday after work and needs it again already.  But a metal roof keeps my home dry, my attic space is making very slow progress but I manage to use and enjoy my attic area.

     Work is going ok, about 39 hours a week right now, sometimes a bit more and I am making progress, slow, but still progress paying down the medical bills and making a tiny dent in the credit debt.  Life has a good balance for me, most of the time and I refuse to let much rock my little world.

     I did sell 1 of the tan Izzy dolls, she shipped out Thursday and should be received tomorrow/Saturday.  The funds paid for another Wiggs doll I won on eBay, a pants pattern for SD size dolls, a wig for the coming Gracie doll and a payment on credit debt so that worked nicely for me. 

     I am watching another Wiggs doll, the same sculpt as the one I won but I think the face up is about the ugliest I have seen yet.  This is at least the 3rd time I have seen this very ugly and overpriced doll up for sale.  The sculpt is a lovely face, face painting can take a face from nice to amazing or take a lovely face and turn it ugly, and no upper eye lashes really helps that ugly out.

     And I am sewing, working on pants, a pattern I have had for ages that will fit the dolls I finally own.. I made the cap this week and think it went well but need shank buttons for the top where the crown pieces all meet up.  Right now I have knickers ready for the leg bands to be hand finished, turn them right side to and put fasteners on and see how they fit.  I want to tweak this pattern to fit the 3 different Wiggs dolls I have.  The shirts, vest, jacket and cap need little or no changes but the waist and hips and leg length go from a 43 cm doll to 45 to 53.  If it stays wet this weekend I will be glad for a project to keep me entertained.

     Well, past bedtime, way past my bedtime.

Walking through the past in my mind

Been doing some of that recently and will admit Sam going back to the Phillipines again is part of the why.  His wife is buried there, he did so much more to make that marriage work and to make her happy than he ever did in ours.  

No, I am not jealous, hurt, yes, some, and puzzled as I saw how she treated him, at times.  Physical and verbal abuse, financial ruin, shattered dreams, but she was of far more value to him than I ever was.  This does not make me less of a person, but I am puzzled as to the why.

I work hard here to have a life that I am content with, my life, my own way, solitary, because that works best for me.  

I refuse to see myself as a failure, and refuse to let my past determine my future or my worth.  But there are times I walk through memories and become sad, and times I am angry, but that never lasts long, the sad lasts longer.  But not lonely, I don't feel lonely or needing another human to fill any space or make me of more value.

I just do not understand humans, I know I am also human but the species puzzles me, makes me feel I am not really a part of them, and that I don't want to be, not if I have to be like them, think and act like them.  And I don't think we are getting to be nicer beings, or kinder, or take better care of our small planet.  I cannot change others, so I will be content with working on me, and on liking who I am and on liking this small and quiet life I am living.

I don't envy many others and never for very long, don't envy Sam being able to afford his trip to the Phillipines, or LuAnn and Randy with their trip to UK, and I hope that Sam finds what he is looking for, or does what ever it is that he needs to do.  And I sure do not want him sad, or lonely or in my life.

I built my life around him and his wants and needs, once, and he knew it and used it and walked all over me, until there was nothing much left of me, for him and for my then very young sons.

It has been 21 years now, since we separated and divorced, long years, some of them rough, hard, but I put me back together, different person that I was before I met him, but stronger and smarter and more sure of what I need, who I am and how to make my life work so I keep liking who I am.

So, some days I get a bit sad, a little puzzled, but I get through it, might not figure out some of that puzzle but do work through enough that it no longer makes waves in my emotional pond, and my world is stable and I am at peace again.

Mother's Day.....

      For me it was a wet day with rains coming, sons here for a meal and time to sew on part of the UFDC stuff for the event our local doll club is sponsoring this year.

       I did get a surprise Facebook message from someone I have had no contact with for almost 30 years.  The past is long past, my life here in Illinois works well for me, because I work hard and make good choices and do what it takes to have a life I like.  

     And since I have been a mother for a lot of years, and those children that have a genetic link to him are grown and have been for a long time, it is rather late to tell me Happy Mother's Day.  His life, and what he does, where he is, has no connection to me and my life and I plan to keep it that way.

     Here, I have a house I have provided for myself, and stuff I have worked to pay for, ok credit, not great, but ok credit.  Not much in the bank and plenty of bills and debts to pay on, but a good job to earn that money, and occasionally a bit for play.

     My sewing space is a work in progress but I have a place to sew and good sewing machines, a good work table for cutting fabrics, a workable ironing board, not great but at least I can iron what needs ironed.  I sure have a lot better life than what that man provided for me, and no raving temper fits, no pot smoking, no foul and abusive attitude.   

     He taught me to drive, and taught me some about bikes, and body work on vehicles, how to take apart, clean and reassemble a carb.  But I have come a very long way from those days, from the girl I was when I first met him, from the woman I was when I gave him a second chance.

     I am not someone he knows, or someone who has any place in his life, we walk very different roads and there is no place for him on the road I walk now.  I am not mad or angry or even curious about the message.  

     Life here is not what I ever dreamed I would be living many years ago but it is working well for me, I am aging and ok with that.  I am not well off, but I don't skip meals to pay the utility bill, and I don't have bill collectors hunting for me or the law looking for me.

     The house dog is making progress on manors and behavior issues, and knows I love him.  The people at work know I will show up on time and do my job, to the best of my ability and I have become a valuable member of Pleasant Plains Historical Society.  

      Ya, my little life here does just fine, and I do shut out anyone who will not add value, quality or would damage my little world.

  

Words, thoughts

My labor, meat packing plant job allows me a lot of thinking time, day dreams, lottery dreams, old house plans, financial issues and my life, the past and where I am now and where I would like to be.

Emotionally, mentally, I have come a very long ways since I was 17 or 28 or even 40.  I am more confident, have more sense of self value and will no longer be what others want me to be.

But it took a lot of mistakes, poor choices and being stupid to get to this place.  Not a road I would like anyone to walk, but I made it to here.  I am stable, my finances are not good but they are livable and will slowly get better.

I am staying single, and I am not dating, no time to waste on relationships I do not want or need.  This is my time, and I am running my life my way, not to suit someone else or meet their needs and wants.  The advantage of being self supporting and divorced with children grown is that i can make this choice and there is nothing wrong with my living my life for me and for what matters to me.

Enough of me, my time, my needs was set aside to meet the needs and wants of others for many years, my children, while they were growing up, the men I picked for relationships, even the friends, all seemed to end up on the top of any and all lists while I kept putting myself down at the bottom.

That does not happen now, if something or someone seems on the top of the list, it is because that suits me needs or wants, and I have solid reasons.

Clayville suits me, my wants and needs, so it gets up on that important list, a few humans matter enough to make my list, some of the time, as it suits me.  But I make the list, and I adjust it as I need or want to, my call and my reasons.

I work full time, hurt a lot but I work, that earns the money that pays my bills and buys me the stuff I have.  It is my stuff, to do what I want with, my house, my toys, my books and so forth.  And I can do what I want with those things, as it suits me.  I am working on some of that, so I don't have things I don't use that can be better used elsewhere, like the tiller going to Clayville.  And some things I want to gift where they will have value and meaning, like a couple Sasha dolls to a collector in our club and the inherited silver to my cousin, Rena, it is her maternal bloodline also and she will see they are treasured and valued where I really do not have anyone to hand them on to that will treasure and value them for the family/blood connection they have.

And I am going to enjoy my off work time with doing things that make me feel good about me, about life and make me happy or feel of value.  I have spent too much of my life not feeling of value or with people who told me I was not worth value or appreciate me.  That makes a very good reason to not date.

And I pray that all my children like their lives and the choices they make in those lives, they are all adults now, and can take care of themselves, be responsible for the choices they make and the results of those choices.  I did the best I knew how to be a parent, I know I did not always make the best or right choice, but I tried.  And that is all a person can do, try to do the best they can.  I can't be friends with all my children but I am ok with that, they have the right to choose who they want in their life and I have come to terms with not being close.  I cannot change the past, and I am not willing to be the whipping boy for things I didn't do, or poor choices made by others.  Nor will I beat myself up over someone deciding I just never were the mother they wanted.  

My daughter told me to get out of her life and stay out.  I discovered that works well for me, i do love her and wish her a good life, but I can live just fine with no contact.  And she can change that if she ever wants to, it was her choice, and anytime she wants to be in touch with me, I am easy to find.

My oldest son told me he has disowned me, and I am ok with that too.  He certainly has that right, and lives a long way from my small river town, and that works nicely here.  I hope his life is happy, that he is doing what he wants with his life, I know I am content and like my life here.

The other 2 sons manage to like and accept me for the person I am, and that works nicely, it also explains why I am closer to my younger sons than my older 2.  But they came when I was more stable, and they had more stable parenting, even after their dad and I divorced.  And my financial situation was more stable, so, yes, the life I could help provide those kids with was better.

And now, as I am close to turning 59, I am really ok with me and what I am doing with my life and I am looking at the future and liking that future, and am working to make it a stable one.

Mid-March madness

     Well, it is the middle of March already and it is warming up some, the trees are showing signs of springs and my silly daffies have buds coming up, to go with their frosted leaves.  I did get started with raking up the dog poo and winter debris, the flower beds all need a lot of work and the pampas grass needs cut down, I hope I can burn again this spring, once I have the grass down.

     And I did some moving things up in the attic, this year my air cond. unit will be on the south end so I have more and better set up sewing area.  The fabrics are still a disorganized mess, but my working space has improved some.  And I am sewing!

     Work is going ok, it looks like I will be staying on the trimming necks job, it is easier on my old body than what I was doing, I can come home bloody for less pain and less tired at the same pay.  My hand has healed up well, not perfect but it could have been a lot worse and several of us are far more careful about how and where those wizard knives are when not in use.

     The budget and finances are very, very tight right now but I can improve that with some very careful managing my spending.  It will improve as the medical bills get paid off and gone and as credit debt goes down.  I need to manage my impulse spending, and am working on that.  I know it is my head issues and I need to work on some of them but I am gaining.

   But NOT dating, not having a 'love/sex/whatever' thing is working well for me, both head wise and financial. And I am liking my life better and my home.  And doing what I want and enjoy with my off work time, that is a huge plus.  This is a step I should have taken many years ago, and I figured out many years ago I did not need a man to make my life complete, and could sure live without the sex.

     I think part was the social push to be in a relationship, like if you want to be normal, you need a relationship.  And I now am quite happy to be the abnormal person, at work, here where I live, this small old town, and in the world in general.  Plenty of people out there, those that want a relationship can surely go find one, I am not a part of that.

     I do not want to share my home, or my finances, or my toys, tools and treasures.  I do not need someone to 'meet my needs' and I am sure not willing to meet theirs.  Yes, my head is a bit screwed up and I have some issues and problems, but none of those keep me from earning a living, paying my bills, getting the trash out in a timely manor, cleaning up after myself and my pets.  I am not generally a danger to anyone else and certainly not to myself.  

     I don't have blue days as often or pity parties, I don't hate life or the world and my tiny flashes of green envy don't last long, and I sure would not trade my life, even with all the mistakes, poor choices, and other damage and garbage, for any one else's life.

     I am able to spend my off work time doing either what I need to do, what I want to do, or what my body needs me to do, and sometimes that means down and get little or nothing done after work.

Tend to my little place, my aging body, which, at times, means pushing past a bit of pain to keep all the  ability to move and do things I can.

     I love having a sewing space with 2 sewing machines set up to use, I don't have to change thread or settings on projects or can work on 2 different things, like piecing a quilt and sewing a doll outfit.  The goal is to someday be able to have at least 3 machines up and all on the same level, so it is easier to move from 1 to another.  And more possible to help someone learn a bit and still get something done I want to do at the same time.

     Now that it is warming up I need to get the wiring work done in the future bathroom space and get a sheet of drywall up there, the batt insulation can then go under the house for storage, and every sheet of drywall installed makes 1less to do and the house just a tiny bit more energy efficient, and I like that part too.  The lower the utility bill here is, the more paycheck that can pay down debt, cover my cost of living, allow a bit of play money.

     And today I will put the scooter battery on the charger and charge it up some.  It really needs replaced but if it will take some charge, I can always kick start the scooter.  It also needs a new, cheap Walmart milk crate because the last one died.  I need to remember to replace those every couple years as they sun damage and there is no way I will have a car port/garage/bike shelter any year soon.

     But the load of laundry is ready for the dryer, the sun is up, the light frost is almost gone outside and I have sewing waiting for me in my studio, which I love. So, refill my coffee cup and off to enjoy my Sunday.