Mid-March madness

     Well, it is the middle of March already and it is warming up some, the trees are showing signs of springs and my silly daffies have buds coming up, to go with their frosted leaves.  I did get started with raking up the dog poo and winter debris, the flower beds all need a lot of work and the pampas grass needs cut down, I hope I can burn again this spring, once I have the grass down.

     And I did some moving things up in the attic, this year my air cond. unit will be on the south end so I have more and better set up sewing area.  The fabrics are still a disorganized mess, but my working space has improved some.  And I am sewing!

     Work is going ok, it looks like I will be staying on the trimming necks job, it is easier on my old body than what I was doing, I can come home bloody for less pain and less tired at the same pay.  My hand has healed up well, not perfect but it could have been a lot worse and several of us are far more careful about how and where those wizard knives are when not in use.

     The budget and finances are very, very tight right now but I can improve that with some very careful managing my spending.  It will improve as the medical bills get paid off and gone and as credit debt goes down.  I need to manage my impulse spending, and am working on that.  I know it is my head issues and I need to work on some of them but I am gaining.

   But NOT dating, not having a 'love/sex/whatever' thing is working well for me, both head wise and financial. And I am liking my life better and my home.  And doing what I want and enjoy with my off work time, that is a huge plus.  This is a step I should have taken many years ago, and I figured out many years ago I did not need a man to make my life complete, and could sure live without the sex.

     I think part was the social push to be in a relationship, like if you want to be normal, you need a relationship.  And I now am quite happy to be the abnormal person, at work, here where I live, this small old town, and in the world in general.  Plenty of people out there, those that want a relationship can surely go find one, I am not a part of that.

     I do not want to share my home, or my finances, or my toys, tools and treasures.  I do not need someone to 'meet my needs' and I am sure not willing to meet theirs.  Yes, my head is a bit screwed up and I have some issues and problems, but none of those keep me from earning a living, paying my bills, getting the trash out in a timely manor, cleaning up after myself and my pets.  I am not generally a danger to anyone else and certainly not to myself.  

     I don't have blue days as often or pity parties, I don't hate life or the world and my tiny flashes of green envy don't last long, and I sure would not trade my life, even with all the mistakes, poor choices, and other damage and garbage, for any one else's life.

     I am able to spend my off work time doing either what I need to do, what I want to do, or what my body needs me to do, and sometimes that means down and get little or nothing done after work.

Tend to my little place, my aging body, which, at times, means pushing past a bit of pain to keep all the  ability to move and do things I can.

     I love having a sewing space with 2 sewing machines set up to use, I don't have to change thread or settings on projects or can work on 2 different things, like piecing a quilt and sewing a doll outfit.  The goal is to someday be able to have at least 3 machines up and all on the same level, so it is easier to move from 1 to another.  And more possible to help someone learn a bit and still get something done I want to do at the same time.

     Now that it is warming up I need to get the wiring work done in the future bathroom space and get a sheet of drywall up there, the batt insulation can then go under the house for storage, and every sheet of drywall installed makes 1less to do and the house just a tiny bit more energy efficient, and I like that part too.  The lower the utility bill here is, the more paycheck that can pay down debt, cover my cost of living, allow a bit of play money.

     And today I will put the scooter battery on the charger and charge it up some.  It really needs replaced but if it will take some charge, I can always kick start the scooter.  It also needs a new, cheap Walmart milk crate because the last one died.  I need to remember to replace those every couple years as they sun damage and there is no way I will have a car port/garage/bike shelter any year soon.

     But the load of laundry is ready for the dryer, the sun is up, the light frost is almost gone outside and I have sewing waiting for me in my studio, which I love. So, refill my coffee cup and off to enjoy my Sunday.

the silly or foolish choices i make

I know my income is limited, that I have a lot of financial responsibility and now medical bills to pay on to go with all the other stuff.  And I do work on that making practical, good long term choices with my money and credit and with my life.

     But I ALSO make some foolish or stupid decisions and use my credit poorly, which is why I have so much credit debt and make so little progress getting it paid down, paid off and getting out of debt. I know progress on this old house goes far slower because of the credit debt and the dolls, but I STILL add to my doll collection and use credit to do that.

     So, now I have a doll head off to a face painting artist to redo her face, because I messed up her factory original paint, and I am talking a $600 doll, not something I picked up at WalMart.  And I have another of that very same doll in shipping to me, that I might keep or sell or trade, but I seem to have her named already in my head, so that does say something about me keeping her tidy and safe in her box and packing until I have her sold or traded.

     And I have another sewing machine coming, not a bad buy for Bernina, less than $100, inluding the shipping and I will get the Singer tidied up and put it up for sale, keeping my Berninas as I can swap feet about on them and they will allow me to move a project more easily from machine to machine with little or no difference in the stitching or seam widths.  

     I choose to cut out some of the things others have, like tv service, meals out, and movie rentals, trips I do not need to make, vacations away from home, but I will have my old house, my yarns, fabrics, sewing machines and my dolls.  

     There are some real solid reasons to not be dating, my finances and time are spent more to my liking and needs, my house gets better attention and I am much happier.  I dont want to argue, fight, or lie to some man about how I spend the money I earn or how much I have spent on a doll or yarns or fabrics.  I have hopped through hoops to please a man, or tried to be what they wanted me to be and that sure did not work well.

     So, now I live this little life here in this small, old river town, work in the local meat packing plant, live in an old house that had a lot of neglect and some poor choices in repair or improvements in the long past, and I have few friends here, and I like my life that way.  I tend to like the company of my dog, birds and dolls better than most humans.

     I am waiting for 2 dolls actually, 1 is a preorder and will come in the summer or early fall, but the one that will come soon is a duplicate of the one I should have NOT bought on Ebay 3 weekends ago but did as soon as I saw the BIN for the doll at a price, including shipping for less than the seller paid for the doll when she preordered her, many months ago.

     The extra dolls from that shipment went up for sale last Saturday, very limited in number and I had NO valid reason to even be checking on them.   But I signed in early, refreshed the page several times, put the doll in my cart, changed my mind, removed her, put her back in and paid for her.  All deliberate choices, and I cannot blame anyone or make excuses.  I did it while looking at the tan Izzy by Kaye Wiggs I just got and had made an outfit for, knowing what I was adding to my already debt load.

And no matter how many times I say that I will sell or trade her, that is not a sure thing and I know, in my small little head, I have her named.

  So, now I will soon be up to 3 Bernina sewing machines and still need a lot of drywall in my attic space, and have plenty of medical bills to make payments on, am on light duty due to an accident at work that has 26 stitches in the back of my left hand, so that helps cut my paycheck, I am on 36 hour weeks until I am released and back on my job on the kill floor.

     So, while on light duty, I spent $600 in credit on a doll I do not need and already own and on another sewing machine, and have paid $50 to have my big ger Bernina serviced and now have my Nova ther to pick up Saturday and a Bernette 430 that should be shipped and here by the end of next week.

     And to be honest, I am not depressed or worried about my actions and I am not going to try and excuse or justify them.  It is my life and it is my earnings and my problem, and I will get bills paid, and I will make the compromises I need to where and when I have to. I know some of the recent spending choices have not been wise or smart or financially sound, but it is, after all, my life and I am the only one living it.  So, I will deal with the cost of the choices, and admit I did not expect to win the 430 on eBay for the low amount I put as my maximum bid.  I will use it and be glad I have it and sell the Singer I picked up at an estate auction almost 2 years ago.

    And my state tax refund paid the cost of the artist painting my Izzy's face for me and I will make payments out of my savings named slush funds for the dolls I probably should not have bought but did anyway.  and life goes on, now to tell my son that there is a package coming that he might need to watch and sign for.

Done with taxes for this year

For the first time in more than 20 years I have not bought tax software and I am not doing taxes for any one else but I will lend a hand to my sons and a couple friends.

My federal return paid down some debt and let me get caught up on a few things, like groceries and household supplies.  My state return will be going on credit card debt, have way too much of that and buying dolls has not helped, but it is my money, my life and my problems if I over spend.

Right now I should be working on some doll quilts for a friend, she will be going to UFDC this year, as usual but I won't be going.  And she will attend a dessert, I am paying the fee for that and doing doll quilts for hostess gifts so she doesn't have to come up with something.  She is very busy with doll stuff for things she is involved with so I decided I could use up some fabrics and batting I have on hand and do small doll quilts for her.

I won a bid to an easier job in the plant than what I had been doing, have been training on it a week now and am making progress, but I need to be more firm with the women who are doing that job but do not own the job, I need to spend more time doing the job to learn it and not standing watching them, they would have me just stand and watch most of the shift if I was willing.  Today I had a watch in my pocket so kept track of time and made sure I did the job for anywhere from 30 minutes to over an hour at a stretch, they both are good at asking if I am tired after about 5 minutes.  I can not learn a job if I do not do the work, and I did win the bid and have the right to learn how to do the job, qualify on it and own it.

It has not been a really bad winter here but this month has been cold and windy and colder, so I have done plenty of whining.  But the house is comfortable most of the time, I can afford the heat bills and I am slowly working on the medical bills that my being so run down cost me, along with over a month off work with NO pay.

I will pay what I can on those medical bills but some of the debt comes first, as does groceries.  I do know that the medical bills need paid off as quickly as I can get it done, but it is just going to take months on some of them.  I am not willing to put every penny I can scrape up on those bills, I will not cut back on some things, and life will survive it.  But the sooner the medical bills are paid off, the happier I will be, I have no idea right now just how many separate accounts they are, the hospital up in Rushville has quite a few, that way they can charge me and my insurance more, but this will be the last time I see any doctors there or go there for any testing, it has added quite a bit more to what I end up paying and of course, cost my insurance more also.  I learned and I will not be sent there again.

But I do have a doll on preorder and I do have 1 I got from eBay that should arrive here Friday, if the tracking is correct.  And no clothes for her, but need to finish some other things before I play, commitments I made, that matter to me.  So,maybe I can fit a doll outfit in this weekend if I get busy tonight and tomorrow after work.

Making progress

So, now I have been back to work 3 weeks now, and it has been almost that long since I had a seizure/fit/episode so I am gaining on replacing minerals, iron and electrolytes.  And, most days I am not beat tired as I walk out of the plant.  We have been very hot on the harvest/kill floor, especially the past 2 days and I was shaky before the shift was done so had warm Gatorade before leaving.
The box of doll eyes, eye putty and 2 wig caps was here but not the expected box of yarn.  I think our local post office  holds some things for Saturday delivery so they can justify those hours and I would not be surprised if that is going on in many places.  The yarn shipping shows an expected delivery date of 2/5 or 2/6 and it was not coming from very far away, my new skin for the iPad was in Springfield postal system by Wednesday evening but has an expected delivery of Saturday.  Oh, well, not much I can do about what the post office does as long as things arrive safely and within reasonable time.
I am really liking not dating and not having phone calls from a man I don't have much to say to.  I know I am living a very spoiled, self indulgent, self centered life.  But, hey, I support myself and have for many years now, over 10, and I pay my bills, work full time, take care of my responsibilities so my time off work is MINE, and there is no law that makes me spend time with a man, or reason to do things with my free time to please someone else at my expense.
I did that often enough in the past and I am done with it. 
This week I don't have any play money so I will be content to do things at home and hope to get some sewing done for the dolls, some knitting done and my state taxes filed, now that I have the printer software installed in the laptop.  I have a few other chores that need done, like clean the bird cage, do laundry and some bathroom cleaning, but that still leaves me time to sew for my dolls.
I am still waiting for itemized bills from the local hospital for the medical testing done there but the checks are written out and figured out of the bank balance.  I just will not pay on the bills without getting an itemized bill so I know what I am paying for.  My work insurance has already paid their part.  I do expect to see more bills from Prairie Heart and will be making payments on that too.
But my federal tax refund did go to paying down credit debt, stocking up the kitchen cupboards and a few other things I needed or wanted. 
Last year taxes went to the survey and then the patio pour, along with paycheck funds and the money from selling the lot in MO. I hope to keep gaining on paying down debt load, on old house progress and building up savings, including my 4O1s.  I should be able to increase the Roth by 1% this weekend, that will add at least $280 more each year to what is already going in.
And i have a Kaye Wiggs doll on pre-order at Jpopdolls.  So, that is the remaining debt on the Barclay card, which started with my iPad, and was my Touch, the replacement since delivery guy stole the red Touch, my Rebel and my 2nd Nexus 7, the first one being given to Ben.
I think my life is really good, the granite is finally done, I did have a follow up call from Lowes and did make sure the guy was aware of the cabinet door issue so that matter is on a priority list.  I know I have a lot of woodwork/trim work to do but I will work on that as I have funds, bills first, support for the front/west side of the house so I can start working on supporting the porch roof and tearing out the crappy porch landing and support, replacing rotted out sill plate and rebuilding a porch so the roof can then be supported, the porch roof can get a metal roof and I will be closer to starting to tear off the old siding, repairs, insulation and heading towards something for siding.
Years and lots of money and lots of time, the house has had 10 + years and funds and that will continue, it i MY home, and I like it, life here works for me, and I plan to keep on working, on that old house and on the life I am living.     

Time to reassess my life and direction

I am on my third week back at work, the disability pay will finally be paid so I can start paying on the growing mountain of medical bills.
The winter is being milder than last winter, the kitchen renovation is still dragging on, the front/west will plate is rotting out, due to the front porch, so now I need to put support under the floor joists as soon as possible and then support outside for the porch roof and start tearing out the concrete and build a new porch, steps,replace roof support, it never ends here.
But I seem to like my life, and all the small parts that make up this quiet life.
The not dating is working well for me, like the time I have and what I am doing with it.  Less stress, more quality and I am where I want to be, at my home and not elsewhere.
Glad to have my taxes filed for the Federal, and will do the state on the first of February, have a list of where the funds go, most to debt, and the iPad goes off to Apple for a battery replacement.
Past my bedtime, another long and hard day at the pig plant tomorrow.

Long medical leave but finally back to work

And I did not enjoy the paperwork battles, and still have not gotten any disability pay but that paperwork hassle is making some progress.  I did get a clean bill of heart health, the arythmia which I can't even spell right, was not the problem, the grand mal seizure was the cause of the heart acting funny, and small petit mal seizures kept it dancing a bit.

And electrolites or rather the lack of them probably was a big contribution to the seizure stuff.

So, a lot of tests, lab work, time off work I really could not afford but at least now I have a better idea of what I need to keep balanced and will be sucking down gallons and gallons of Gateraid to help keep that electrolites in better balance.  

But I did get 3 quilts done, repaired, clean and on the blanket shelf, did some doll sewing and sold 1 outfit, started designing a sweater, doll sized and because I was suffering from sweater envy.  I am actually writing understandable directions, that could work into a pattern, and the sweater, with lovely braided cables, is getting close to done and should fit my Berdine Creedy doll.  I think the pattern will be easy for me to tweak to fit other dolls and to change the texturing stitches.  

The counters are here, it is great to have a working kitchen sink, and I did not upgrade that, but the one that came free with the granite is very nice.  The east wall back splash broke on the way into the house, the seams need sealed and the corner at the breaker box needs to be trimmed a bit so that door will open.  

But it is great to have a good, working kitchen finally and I am so glad I refinanced for enough to go with quality and very handicap friendly cabinets and the granite.  And base cabinets set at my comfort level is a real plus and worth the extra costs.

I am glad to be back at work, wish I had not been off work at all but some things just happen and then you find a way to deal with them.  I do have most of the work done to file my taxes, and it is waiting for the release of some energy credit form, which since i replaced a door and several windows with new and energy efficient ones will get me a bit more return if I wait for the form to be released.  The IRS is not accepting returns until 1/20 so I should have it by then and push the button for electronic filing.

The weather has improved some, above freezing now and the snow and ice have melted away, the patio needs swept as soon as it is dry, and I keep hoping Julie gets her fridge moved soon.

The truck is still hauling scraps of drywall around and might be until the city has clean up, and I will get rid of the old mattress and box spring then also.

Finances are not very good but should improve, I lack patience and get ticked off about the paperwork drag out, the lost wages, the fact that I didn't realize how depleted my body was getting until I was off work and catching up.

But I cannot change what has been done, so will live with it and work on getting life back onto the workable track that is my life, on my terms.

I know not dating is sure working well, as is staying home unless I have to go some place, work, what errands I have to do, home.  I have not even done breakfast at McDonalds for weeks and I am sure they are managing just fine.  I have money on my card for that but stayed home while I was off work on medical and now I just don't have the time or desire.  

Plus, I am working on keeping most of my life out of reach of the gossip mill and fools who have not much more to do with their lives than talk about other people.

I have far less tolerance for people and their issues, problems and so forth than I did several months ago, or several years ago.  So, I am not very friendly and my health issues are my business and not their concern, and I will manage just fine to take care of my medical issues and my old house projects and my work.

And I will play dolls, and read books, watch my choice of entertainment on my own tv and in my own house.

And I am telling people I do not know, who come to the house that, yes, the dog does bite, he has very good teeth, no, I do not need anyone to haul off the fridge, it belongs to a friend who really needs to get it moved, and no, I do not need the sink hauled off, I will take care of that myself, and yes, I do ride both those bikes, 1 is my summer ride to work and the other is my escape and freedom.

So, now, back to the book and the knitting and the yummy herbal tea.

Human issues and God

I absolutely believe in God, or the existence of something far beyond my human understanding that exists, and is involved with our tiny human lives.  I do believe in the birth and death of Jesus, and that of the teacher called Budda.

I believe in a final judgement of a soul, after it has moved on from the body it resides/ resided in.  And I believe in reincarnation.

I believe in forgiveness and in forgiving but I think that some sort of rules are in force here.  If I deliberately hurt or harm, or cause harm, attempt to cause harm to someone, it only by repenting of my actions and Asking Them for that forgiveness do balance or start to correct that wrong, their forgiving me, once I am dead does not fix this wrong with God or the world, but if the issue troubles that person, their forgiving me after death can make them more comfortable.  It does not gain the dead anything, they are still accountable for their actions and get to sort it out with God.

Death is not an automatic clean slate wipe for the soul, and if I see no reason to forgive the dead, that does not make me a bad person, their sins are not weighing on my soul, mine are.  And if what wrong they did me is long past and I have lived years beyond the reach of that person, good for me.

I do believe that God is firmly in charge of those scales of justice and can sleep well, knowing it is with God first I keep my life in balance.

No, I am not forgiving some nasty, mean bit of humanity, but I am also not letting their past actions make any waves in my emotional pond.  They were not worth packing around in my load of emotional garbage I pack around.  Their actions eventually got them terminated from our mutual place of employment, solved my being harassed by them and in time I relocated in another state.

So, no, this death makes little waves in my pond.  I am thankful to now be employed where our management takes swift action to stop harassment long before it has much of a start and where no one tells me I need a better sense of humor when I ask management to put a stop to my being harassed in the work place.