Not tonight, I refuse to deal with anything.

     I lost or never had a copy of the letter to the plant for accommodations for handicapped that I did over 4 years ago, so will need to compose a new 1 for the new company, but not tonight.  

     I have several sewing projects that need work, but not tonight, things just are not working well and I am not that fond of my seam ripper, just not tonight.

     Yes, there is always knitting waiting for me, but not tonight, not even the sock I started Monday evening, it can wait, there will be another day to work on it.

     I know I need to plan out what bills get paid Friday and what the priority list is for that paycheck, but not tonight, it just is not w good night t deal with finances, which are doing ok, but this is not the night to work on them, another night will make better decisions and the calculator will probably like me better.

      I am just going to give up and go to bed early, everything that needs my attention will be there tomorrow or Thursday, life is ok here but I am just not even going to try and deal with things, I let that stupid letter become a mountain and so now I will just leave it and everything else alone and they can shrink back to real size and be easy to deal with.

And a New chapter begins

    I was not planning to start many new chapters in my life, at my age but life has ways of changing things for a person.  And since Cargill sold the entire pork division to JBS, many people are starting new chapters in their lives, at least if they wish to keep working in the same location.
     I did pick up and fill out and turn in the paperwork to start 401K plans with the new employer, who also uses Vanguard so hopefully I will not go many paychecks before I am putting money into 2 401K plans, 1 pretax and the other is after.. And I have called Vanguard about rolling my Cargill accounts over into the new ones, once those are set up so that is all lined up, at least as much as I can line it up. 
     I went on line and did the stuff I could do for my Cargill pension, I can cash that out and since the pension from Con-Agra is locked and I will have it to draw once I reach 65, I did not want to have another locked when using the funds to pay down debt is a smarter choice at this time.  That paperwork is on it's way back to wherever it has to go, hopefully filled out correctly with everything needed so it can be processed and the certified check sent to me asap.  I might have that by the first week in December.
      Plans do include buying a reasonable sized utility building for a wood shop and setting it up to be a working wood shop and a place for the scooter and Rebel to live in the winter.  I need to have the maple tree cut down, it is slowly dying and needs removed anyway, and then decide on which building, mark out the location and make plans to put in gravel and 6x6 lumber for it to sit on and I think I will need to do 3 'foundation beams' but it will depend on which way the floor joices are laid out in the building.  I do know the door needs to face the house, and I need to remember the very small redbud tree that is already planted so the building is not on top of that and will allow it some growing room.
     We worked today, first Saturday in a very long time and we are hearing there will be production every Saturday and we might work 10 hour days every other week, with night shift working 10's on the alternate weeks.  The money will be good but the hours will beat many of us to pieces. 
     I do have some vacation time coming up and will be attending the BJD convention down in St. Louis next weekend, my first time to go but am joining doll friends down there who will make sure I don't get lost.  I am looking forward to the time away and the fun.
     We are still battling bed bugs some here, we/Ben thinks 1 hitched a ride on his clothing when he was doing some minor carpentry work for a friend, it had been several weeks since either of us had been bitten but we are spraying chairs, beds, floors and starting the war once again.  This has not been a fun battle, the damn bugs are so tiny I can't usually see them and have yet to see a hatchling or baby but sure have been bitten a few times by what Ben says is newly hatched. 
     Our weather is staying mild for this time of year, I am glad as need to do some work under the west side of the house to deal with some air gaps before we have a lot of cold winds and manage to keep putting that job off.  But the old house is making a bit of progress and I hope to have funds for more drywall for the attic area, would like to get all the drywall done in my sewing area, I know that would make it easier to keep clean and also more comfortable, I do have drafts on the north east corner that remind me I need to get the work done.
     So, most of the time I am content and like my little life, and I know it works for me.  It is not the life I thought I would have when I was much younger but it is what I do have and what I have made for myself.  And I just cannot see a reason to get involved with a dating relationship at this time, or any time soon, if ever.  I can daydream such silly things while I am working those very boring jobs in a meat packing plant but sure do not want to start dating any one.
     So, I hope those people in my past have good lives and are happy and so forth and I will be content to live here and do my own thing.  That reaching back into the past to touch base with someone did not work out so well 6 years ago.  Not the fault of my car accident but that accident and the possibility of a settlement that might be in the reach of someone, who had money problems he was not honest about, ya, I can see where I looked like a nice, ripe plum just ready for plucking.
      I don't think most of the people I knew when I was in my early 20's would even pick me out of a crowd, and they sure would not think to find me here, in a small river town, working labor in a meat processing plant or living the solitary life I am living.  I have changed, found my way, built my own security and self belief, become a strong and independent person, a far change and a very long way from the young and really naïve woman child I was when I was 20 or even 26. 
   But I think about that man from the Jessie L Brown, and the way he smiled and made me laugh, and wish his world has been a good one and he is doing well with his life.  And life does move on, and we have gone such different directions, I have gone so far, and it took me so long to find who I really am and to become strong enough to stand my ground and live by my choices and not by the orders and direction or to suit other people.
     But it is getting time for me to turn in, my days start very early even when I am off work, my internal clock seems to not be able to tell it is a 'sleep in' day.

Battling the bug problems here. dry and put away again

     Well, it looks like the city is trying to help with the outside bug issues, some, anyway.  They have the code informer out looking for issues on private property that could help harbor and add to the bug problems, like standing water in things like old tires, and tall grasses and weeds, clutter and junk.  All well and good, they are ruffling feathers and keeping posts on the local forum entertaining at times.
     Here at home I have gotten to the vet for flea dope for Shadow, 6 applications which will get us into winter, and $88 for the costs of that.  And it appears that either from my work bag, containing bandanas, hair nets, and such or from the current house son and his out and about visiting people, we are now battling an infestation of bed bugs.  Oh, how nice, and if that adult son had been far more open, blunt, honest about the bug problems he was having down stairs, they might have been being dealt with before they became a problem upstairs.
     Instead he just went elsewhere for several weeks, and only when I caught up with 2 sons about their mess in MY downstairs bedroom did he come home to tackle the mess and discuss the bug issue.
     So, I am spending the money I hoped to restock cupboards this vacation on flea and bed bug bombs and sprays, doing huge amounts of cleaning, laundry and trying to bake my pillows and such soft goods in my truck the next day or two.  I now have a bombing schedule on the white board, and will be bombing every weekend for weeks, which means the birds and their cage go outside to the patio, bombs get set off, I spend 2 hours with the dog on a chain and unhappy, the birds outside and not happy and me sitting with them knitting or reading and watching the clock.  After 2 hours I am in the house to open windows, start house airing, spray areas with flea and bedbug spray and then back outside for 2 hours
      After that 2nd waiting outside time, I get to come in and start wiping down kitchen counters so stuff I took out can come back in, like my iPad and knitting and snacks.  Then I go up and wipe down and clean the bird area, they come in, get back into small pet tote, and get madder, the cage again is taken  apart so it can go back upstairs, clean food and water and the mad birds get back home.  Loads of kitchen stuff to wash and put away again and loads of laundry to wash and dry again.
      This will need done every weekend four more times, skip a weekend and the next weekendshould be the last time until we get infested again by what is becoming a common household problem.  I am glad I have been on vacation this week and did have extra money to buy part of the needed bombs and spray

Dealing with huge changes here.

I     I have been here over 12 years now, and have adjusted to change after change, and keep making my life work, keep paying my bills, supporting myself and at times, others.  And I am just fine with that, had expected to work here, at this plant until I was too disabled or old enough to retire, work for Cargill Meat Solutions, slowly pay down debt, build up some retirement benefits, put a bit in 401K, and just keep this little pattern going.

    But it seems Cargill is selling the entire pork division, including our plant, and so, I will be seeing changes, a new name to the place I work, more paperwork to do, change in who puts my paycheck into my checking account and hopefully who puts my deductions into all the places I have them going, from taxes to savings.

     So, all of us at the plant will be changing who we work for, or will be choosing to leave.  I am going to accept the job I am promised by the sales agreements, and deal with all the paperwork that will take, when the time comes.  Hopefully, once it is done, I will feel my life settle back into the rythem and patterns that I have been working to have my life be.

     I want to continue to work, continue to pay down debt, continue to work on this old house, play with my dolls, sew, knit, read my choice of books and live my funny little quiet life I treasure so much.

And this is the life I have built, day by day, and the financial stability I have created, no one has given it to me.  I have worked for and earned it.  And I have a right to keep it as stable as I can.

     I have sure failed at marriage, and had men fail me too, but I have managed to make my life work, without a man helping to pay the bills, or messing up my life.  And it works here, and I am happy, or most of the time I am happy and content.

     It took me a very long time to get this stable, both financially and emotionally, mentally but I have gotten there and am not going to let the plant ownership change rock that or any person rock that.  I am too old to want to play that game and I don't miss the company or attentions of a man, nor do I miss their attitudes, issues and wants and needs.  Maybe that is part of aging, I am not too worried about it, I sure don't need romance, and if I want some, there are silly books and movies handy to entertain me without causing my finances or my emotions any hardship.

     This past year has really settled out for me, I ended dating and started real living my life, my way, for my wants and needs.  I am more stable, my financial world is more solid, my old house has made some very needed progress and I am doing what I want or need to with my off work time.

     But I do wish we would see less rain and some good motorcycle riding time on weekends, and less biting bugs that seem to attack me every time I walk out the door.

Rains and then more rains

     Well, things are growing well, and it is challenging to weed at Clayville.org due to wet ground, the lawn here gets mowed as I can get to it, Monday after work and needs it again already.  But a metal roof keeps my home dry, my attic space is making very slow progress but I manage to use and enjoy my attic area.

     Work is going ok, about 39 hours a week right now, sometimes a bit more and I am making progress, slow, but still progress paying down the medical bills and making a tiny dent in the credit debt.  Life has a good balance for me, most of the time and I refuse to let much rock my little world.

     I did sell 1 of the tan Izzy dolls, she shipped out Thursday and should be received tomorrow/Saturday.  The funds paid for another Wiggs doll I won on eBay, a pants pattern for SD size dolls, a wig for the coming Gracie doll and a payment on credit debt so that worked nicely for me. 

     I am watching another Wiggs doll, the same sculpt as the one I won but I think the face up is about the ugliest I have seen yet.  This is at least the 3rd time I have seen this very ugly and overpriced doll up for sale.  The sculpt is a lovely face, face painting can take a face from nice to amazing or take a lovely face and turn it ugly, and no upper eye lashes really helps that ugly out.

     And I am sewing, working on pants, a pattern I have had for ages that will fit the dolls I finally own.. I made the cap this week and think it went well but need shank buttons for the top where the crown pieces all meet up.  Right now I have knickers ready for the leg bands to be hand finished, turn them right side to and put fasteners on and see how they fit.  I want to tweak this pattern to fit the 3 different Wiggs dolls I have.  The shirts, vest, jacket and cap need little or no changes but the waist and hips and leg length go from a 43 cm doll to 45 to 53.  If it stays wet this weekend I will be glad for a project to keep me entertained.

     Well, past bedtime, way past my bedtime.

Walking through the past in my mind

Been doing some of that recently and will admit Sam going back to the Phillipines again is part of the why.  His wife is buried there, he did so much more to make that marriage work and to make her happy than he ever did in ours.  

No, I am not jealous, hurt, yes, some, and puzzled as I saw how she treated him, at times.  Physical and verbal abuse, financial ruin, shattered dreams, but she was of far more value to him than I ever was.  This does not make me less of a person, but I am puzzled as to the why.

I work hard here to have a life that I am content with, my life, my own way, solitary, because that works best for me.  

I refuse to see myself as a failure, and refuse to let my past determine my future or my worth.  But there are times I walk through memories and become sad, and times I am angry, but that never lasts long, the sad lasts longer.  But not lonely, I don't feel lonely or needing another human to fill any space or make me of more value.

I just do not understand humans, I know I am also human but the species puzzles me, makes me feel I am not really a part of them, and that I don't want to be, not if I have to be like them, think and act like them.  And I don't think we are getting to be nicer beings, or kinder, or take better care of our small planet.  I cannot change others, so I will be content with working on me, and on liking who I am and on liking this small and quiet life I am living.

I don't envy many others and never for very long, don't envy Sam being able to afford his trip to the Phillipines, or LuAnn and Randy with their trip to UK, and I hope that Sam finds what he is looking for, or does what ever it is that he needs to do.  And I sure do not want him sad, or lonely or in my life.

I built my life around him and his wants and needs, once, and he knew it and used it and walked all over me, until there was nothing much left of me, for him and for my then very young sons.

It has been 21 years now, since we separated and divorced, long years, some of them rough, hard, but I put me back together, different person that I was before I met him, but stronger and smarter and more sure of what I need, who I am and how to make my life work so I keep liking who I am.

So, some days I get a bit sad, a little puzzled, but I get through it, might not figure out some of that puzzle but do work through enough that it no longer makes waves in my emotional pond, and my world is stable and I am at peace again.

Mother's Day.....

      For me it was a wet day with rains coming, sons here for a meal and time to sew on part of the UFDC stuff for the event our local doll club is sponsoring this year.

       I did get a surprise Facebook message from someone I have had no contact with for almost 30 years.  The past is long past, my life here in Illinois works well for me, because I work hard and make good choices and do what it takes to have a life I like.  

     And since I have been a mother for a lot of years, and those children that have a genetic link to him are grown and have been for a long time, it is rather late to tell me Happy Mother's Day.  His life, and what he does, where he is, has no connection to me and my life and I plan to keep it that way.

     Here, I have a house I have provided for myself, and stuff I have worked to pay for, ok credit, not great, but ok credit.  Not much in the bank and plenty of bills and debts to pay on, but a good job to earn that money, and occasionally a bit for play.

     My sewing space is a work in progress but I have a place to sew and good sewing machines, a good work table for cutting fabrics, a workable ironing board, not great but at least I can iron what needs ironed.  I sure have a lot better life than what that man provided for me, and no raving temper fits, no pot smoking, no foul and abusive attitude.   

     He taught me to drive, and taught me some about bikes, and body work on vehicles, how to take apart, clean and reassemble a carb.  But I have come a very long way from those days, from the girl I was when I first met him, from the woman I was when I gave him a second chance.

     I am not someone he knows, or someone who has any place in his life, we walk very different roads and there is no place for him on the road I walk now.  I am not mad or angry or even curious about the message.  

     Life here is not what I ever dreamed I would be living many years ago but it is working well for me, I am aging and ok with that.  I am not well off, but I don't skip meals to pay the utility bill, and I don't have bill collectors hunting for me or the law looking for me.

     The house dog is making progress on manors and behavior issues, and knows I love him.  The people at work know I will show up on time and do my job, to the best of my ability and I have become a valuable member of Pleasant Plains Historical Society.  

      Ya, my little life here does just fine, and I do shut out anyone who will not add value, quality or would damage my little world.