Rains and then more rains

     Well, things are growing well, and it is challenging to weed at Clayville.org due to wet ground, the lawn here gets mowed as I can get to it, Monday after work and needs it again already.  But a metal roof keeps my home dry, my attic space is making very slow progress but I manage to use and enjoy my attic area.

     Work is going ok, about 39 hours a week right now, sometimes a bit more and I am making progress, slow, but still progress paying down the medical bills and making a tiny dent in the credit debt.  Life has a good balance for me, most of the time and I refuse to let much rock my little world.

     I did sell 1 of the tan Izzy dolls, she shipped out Thursday and should be received tomorrow/Saturday.  The funds paid for another Wiggs doll I won on eBay, a pants pattern for SD size dolls, a wig for the coming Gracie doll and a payment on credit debt so that worked nicely for me. 

     I am watching another Wiggs doll, the same sculpt as the one I won but I think the face up is about the ugliest I have seen yet.  This is at least the 3rd time I have seen this very ugly and overpriced doll up for sale.  The sculpt is a lovely face, face painting can take a face from nice to amazing or take a lovely face and turn it ugly, and no upper eye lashes really helps that ugly out.

     And I am sewing, working on pants, a pattern I have had for ages that will fit the dolls I finally own.. I made the cap this week and think it went well but need shank buttons for the top where the crown pieces all meet up.  Right now I have knickers ready for the leg bands to be hand finished, turn them right side to and put fasteners on and see how they fit.  I want to tweak this pattern to fit the 3 different Wiggs dolls I have.  The shirts, vest, jacket and cap need little or no changes but the waist and hips and leg length go from a 43 cm doll to 45 to 53.  If it stays wet this weekend I will be glad for a project to keep me entertained.

     Well, past bedtime, way past my bedtime.

Walking through the past in my mind

Been doing some of that recently and will admit Sam going back to the Phillipines again is part of the why.  His wife is buried there, he did so much more to make that marriage work and to make her happy than he ever did in ours.  

No, I am not jealous, hurt, yes, some, and puzzled as I saw how she treated him, at times.  Physical and verbal abuse, financial ruin, shattered dreams, but she was of far more value to him than I ever was.  This does not make me less of a person, but I am puzzled as to the why.

I work hard here to have a life that I am content with, my life, my own way, solitary, because that works best for me.  

I refuse to see myself as a failure, and refuse to let my past determine my future or my worth.  But there are times I walk through memories and become sad, and times I am angry, but that never lasts long, the sad lasts longer.  But not lonely, I don't feel lonely or needing another human to fill any space or make me of more value.

I just do not understand humans, I know I am also human but the species puzzles me, makes me feel I am not really a part of them, and that I don't want to be, not if I have to be like them, think and act like them.  And I don't think we are getting to be nicer beings, or kinder, or take better care of our small planet.  I cannot change others, so I will be content with working on me, and on liking who I am and on liking this small and quiet life I am living.

I don't envy many others and never for very long, don't envy Sam being able to afford his trip to the Phillipines, or LuAnn and Randy with their trip to UK, and I hope that Sam finds what he is looking for, or does what ever it is that he needs to do.  And I sure do not want him sad, or lonely or in my life.

I built my life around him and his wants and needs, once, and he knew it and used it and walked all over me, until there was nothing much left of me, for him and for my then very young sons.

It has been 21 years now, since we separated and divorced, long years, some of them rough, hard, but I put me back together, different person that I was before I met him, but stronger and smarter and more sure of what I need, who I am and how to make my life work so I keep liking who I am.

So, some days I get a bit sad, a little puzzled, but I get through it, might not figure out some of that puzzle but do work through enough that it no longer makes waves in my emotional pond, and my world is stable and I am at peace again.

Mother's Day.....

      For me it was a wet day with rains coming, sons here for a meal and time to sew on part of the UFDC stuff for the event our local doll club is sponsoring this year.

       I did get a surprise Facebook message from someone I have had no contact with for almost 30 years.  The past is long past, my life here in Illinois works well for me, because I work hard and make good choices and do what it takes to have a life I like.  

     And since I have been a mother for a lot of years, and those children that have a genetic link to him are grown and have been for a long time, it is rather late to tell me Happy Mother's Day.  His life, and what he does, where he is, has no connection to me and my life and I plan to keep it that way.

     Here, I have a house I have provided for myself, and stuff I have worked to pay for, ok credit, not great, but ok credit.  Not much in the bank and plenty of bills and debts to pay on, but a good job to earn that money, and occasionally a bit for play.

     My sewing space is a work in progress but I have a place to sew and good sewing machines, a good work table for cutting fabrics, a workable ironing board, not great but at least I can iron what needs ironed.  I sure have a lot better life than what that man provided for me, and no raving temper fits, no pot smoking, no foul and abusive attitude.   

     He taught me to drive, and taught me some about bikes, and body work on vehicles, how to take apart, clean and reassemble a carb.  But I have come a very long way from those days, from the girl I was when I first met him, from the woman I was when I gave him a second chance.

     I am not someone he knows, or someone who has any place in his life, we walk very different roads and there is no place for him on the road I walk now.  I am not mad or angry or even curious about the message.  

     Life here is not what I ever dreamed I would be living many years ago but it is working well for me, I am aging and ok with that.  I am not well off, but I don't skip meals to pay the utility bill, and I don't have bill collectors hunting for me or the law looking for me.

     The house dog is making progress on manors and behavior issues, and knows I love him.  The people at work know I will show up on time and do my job, to the best of my ability and I have become a valuable member of Pleasant Plains Historical Society.  

      Ya, my little life here does just fine, and I do shut out anyone who will not add value, quality or would damage my little world.

  

Words, thoughts

My labor, meat packing plant job allows me a lot of thinking time, day dreams, lottery dreams, old house plans, financial issues and my life, the past and where I am now and where I would like to be.

Emotionally, mentally, I have come a very long ways since I was 17 or 28 or even 40.  I am more confident, have more sense of self value and will no longer be what others want me to be.

But it took a lot of mistakes, poor choices and being stupid to get to this place.  Not a road I would like anyone to walk, but I made it to here.  I am stable, my finances are not good but they are livable and will slowly get better.

I am staying single, and I am not dating, no time to waste on relationships I do not want or need.  This is my time, and I am running my life my way, not to suit someone else or meet their needs and wants.  The advantage of being self supporting and divorced with children grown is that i can make this choice and there is nothing wrong with my living my life for me and for what matters to me.

Enough of me, my time, my needs was set aside to meet the needs and wants of others for many years, my children, while they were growing up, the men I picked for relationships, even the friends, all seemed to end up on the top of any and all lists while I kept putting myself down at the bottom.

That does not happen now, if something or someone seems on the top of the list, it is because that suits me needs or wants, and I have solid reasons.

Clayville suits me, my wants and needs, so it gets up on that important list, a few humans matter enough to make my list, some of the time, as it suits me.  But I make the list, and I adjust it as I need or want to, my call and my reasons.

I work full time, hurt a lot but I work, that earns the money that pays my bills and buys me the stuff I have.  It is my stuff, to do what I want with, my house, my toys, my books and so forth.  And I can do what I want with those things, as it suits me.  I am working on some of that, so I don't have things I don't use that can be better used elsewhere, like the tiller going to Clayville.  And some things I want to gift where they will have value and meaning, like a couple Sasha dolls to a collector in our club and the inherited silver to my cousin, Rena, it is her maternal bloodline also and she will see they are treasured and valued where I really do not have anyone to hand them on to that will treasure and value them for the family/blood connection they have.

And I am going to enjoy my off work time with doing things that make me feel good about me, about life and make me happy or feel of value.  I have spent too much of my life not feeling of value or with people who told me I was not worth value or appreciate me.  That makes a very good reason to not date.

And I pray that all my children like their lives and the choices they make in those lives, they are all adults now, and can take care of themselves, be responsible for the choices they make and the results of those choices.  I did the best I knew how to be a parent, I know I did not always make the best or right choice, but I tried.  And that is all a person can do, try to do the best they can.  I can't be friends with all my children but I am ok with that, they have the right to choose who they want in their life and I have come to terms with not being close.  I cannot change the past, and I am not willing to be the whipping boy for things I didn't do, or poor choices made by others.  Nor will I beat myself up over someone deciding I just never were the mother they wanted.  

My daughter told me to get out of her life and stay out.  I discovered that works well for me, i do love her and wish her a good life, but I can live just fine with no contact.  And she can change that if she ever wants to, it was her choice, and anytime she wants to be in touch with me, I am easy to find.

My oldest son told me he has disowned me, and I am ok with that too.  He certainly has that right, and lives a long way from my small river town, and that works nicely here.  I hope his life is happy, that he is doing what he wants with his life, I know I am content and like my life here.

The other 2 sons manage to like and accept me for the person I am, and that works nicely, it also explains why I am closer to my younger sons than my older 2.  But they came when I was more stable, and they had more stable parenting, even after their dad and I divorced.  And my financial situation was more stable, so, yes, the life I could help provide those kids with was better.

And now, as I am close to turning 59, I am really ok with me and what I am doing with my life and I am looking at the future and liking that future, and am working to make it a stable one.

Mid-March madness

     Well, it is the middle of March already and it is warming up some, the trees are showing signs of springs and my silly daffies have buds coming up, to go with their frosted leaves.  I did get started with raking up the dog poo and winter debris, the flower beds all need a lot of work and the pampas grass needs cut down, I hope I can burn again this spring, once I have the grass down.

     And I did some moving things up in the attic, this year my air cond. unit will be on the south end so I have more and better set up sewing area.  The fabrics are still a disorganized mess, but my working space has improved some.  And I am sewing!

     Work is going ok, it looks like I will be staying on the trimming necks job, it is easier on my old body than what I was doing, I can come home bloody for less pain and less tired at the same pay.  My hand has healed up well, not perfect but it could have been a lot worse and several of us are far more careful about how and where those wizard knives are when not in use.

     The budget and finances are very, very tight right now but I can improve that with some very careful managing my spending.  It will improve as the medical bills get paid off and gone and as credit debt goes down.  I need to manage my impulse spending, and am working on that.  I know it is my head issues and I need to work on some of them but I am gaining.

   But NOT dating, not having a 'love/sex/whatever' thing is working well for me, both head wise and financial. And I am liking my life better and my home.  And doing what I want and enjoy with my off work time, that is a huge plus.  This is a step I should have taken many years ago, and I figured out many years ago I did not need a man to make my life complete, and could sure live without the sex.

     I think part was the social push to be in a relationship, like if you want to be normal, you need a relationship.  And I now am quite happy to be the abnormal person, at work, here where I live, this small old town, and in the world in general.  Plenty of people out there, those that want a relationship can surely go find one, I am not a part of that.

     I do not want to share my home, or my finances, or my toys, tools and treasures.  I do not need someone to 'meet my needs' and I am sure not willing to meet theirs.  Yes, my head is a bit screwed up and I have some issues and problems, but none of those keep me from earning a living, paying my bills, getting the trash out in a timely manor, cleaning up after myself and my pets.  I am not generally a danger to anyone else and certainly not to myself.  

     I don't have blue days as often or pity parties, I don't hate life or the world and my tiny flashes of green envy don't last long, and I sure would not trade my life, even with all the mistakes, poor choices, and other damage and garbage, for any one else's life.

     I am able to spend my off work time doing either what I need to do, what I want to do, or what my body needs me to do, and sometimes that means down and get little or nothing done after work.

Tend to my little place, my aging body, which, at times, means pushing past a bit of pain to keep all the  ability to move and do things I can.

     I love having a sewing space with 2 sewing machines set up to use, I don't have to change thread or settings on projects or can work on 2 different things, like piecing a quilt and sewing a doll outfit.  The goal is to someday be able to have at least 3 machines up and all on the same level, so it is easier to move from 1 to another.  And more possible to help someone learn a bit and still get something done I want to do at the same time.

     Now that it is warming up I need to get the wiring work done in the future bathroom space and get a sheet of drywall up there, the batt insulation can then go under the house for storage, and every sheet of drywall installed makes 1less to do and the house just a tiny bit more energy efficient, and I like that part too.  The lower the utility bill here is, the more paycheck that can pay down debt, cover my cost of living, allow a bit of play money.

     And today I will put the scooter battery on the charger and charge it up some.  It really needs replaced but if it will take some charge, I can always kick start the scooter.  It also needs a new, cheap Walmart milk crate because the last one died.  I need to remember to replace those every couple years as they sun damage and there is no way I will have a car port/garage/bike shelter any year soon.

     But the load of laundry is ready for the dryer, the sun is up, the light frost is almost gone outside and I have sewing waiting for me in my studio, which I love. So, refill my coffee cup and off to enjoy my Sunday.

the silly or foolish choices i make

I know my income is limited, that I have a lot of financial responsibility and now medical bills to pay on to go with all the other stuff.  And I do work on that making practical, good long term choices with my money and credit and with my life.

     But I ALSO make some foolish or stupid decisions and use my credit poorly, which is why I have so much credit debt and make so little progress getting it paid down, paid off and getting out of debt. I know progress on this old house goes far slower because of the credit debt and the dolls, but I STILL add to my doll collection and use credit to do that.

     So, now I have a doll head off to a face painting artist to redo her face, because I messed up her factory original paint, and I am talking a $600 doll, not something I picked up at WalMart.  And I have another of that very same doll in shipping to me, that I might keep or sell or trade, but I seem to have her named already in my head, so that does say something about me keeping her tidy and safe in her box and packing until I have her sold or traded.

     And I have another sewing machine coming, not a bad buy for Bernina, less than $100, inluding the shipping and I will get the Singer tidied up and put it up for sale, keeping my Berninas as I can swap feet about on them and they will allow me to move a project more easily from machine to machine with little or no difference in the stitching or seam widths.  

     I choose to cut out some of the things others have, like tv service, meals out, and movie rentals, trips I do not need to make, vacations away from home, but I will have my old house, my yarns, fabrics, sewing machines and my dolls.  

     There are some real solid reasons to not be dating, my finances and time are spent more to my liking and needs, my house gets better attention and I am much happier.  I dont want to argue, fight, or lie to some man about how I spend the money I earn or how much I have spent on a doll or yarns or fabrics.  I have hopped through hoops to please a man, or tried to be what they wanted me to be and that sure did not work well.

     So, now I live this little life here in this small, old river town, work in the local meat packing plant, live in an old house that had a lot of neglect and some poor choices in repair or improvements in the long past, and I have few friends here, and I like my life that way.  I tend to like the company of my dog, birds and dolls better than most humans.

     I am waiting for 2 dolls actually, 1 is a preorder and will come in the summer or early fall, but the one that will come soon is a duplicate of the one I should have NOT bought on Ebay 3 weekends ago but did as soon as I saw the BIN for the doll at a price, including shipping for less than the seller paid for the doll when she preordered her, many months ago.

     The extra dolls from that shipment went up for sale last Saturday, very limited in number and I had NO valid reason to even be checking on them.   But I signed in early, refreshed the page several times, put the doll in my cart, changed my mind, removed her, put her back in and paid for her.  All deliberate choices, and I cannot blame anyone or make excuses.  I did it while looking at the tan Izzy by Kaye Wiggs I just got and had made an outfit for, knowing what I was adding to my already debt load.

And no matter how many times I say that I will sell or trade her, that is not a sure thing and I know, in my small little head, I have her named.

  So, now I will soon be up to 3 Bernina sewing machines and still need a lot of drywall in my attic space, and have plenty of medical bills to make payments on, am on light duty due to an accident at work that has 26 stitches in the back of my left hand, so that helps cut my paycheck, I am on 36 hour weeks until I am released and back on my job on the kill floor.

     So, while on light duty, I spent $600 in credit on a doll I do not need and already own and on another sewing machine, and have paid $50 to have my big ger Bernina serviced and now have my Nova ther to pick up Saturday and a Bernette 430 that should be shipped and here by the end of next week.

     And to be honest, I am not depressed or worried about my actions and I am not going to try and excuse or justify them.  It is my life and it is my earnings and my problem, and I will get bills paid, and I will make the compromises I need to where and when I have to. I know some of the recent spending choices have not been wise or smart or financially sound, but it is, after all, my life and I am the only one living it.  So, I will deal with the cost of the choices, and admit I did not expect to win the 430 on eBay for the low amount I put as my maximum bid.  I will use it and be glad I have it and sell the Singer I picked up at an estate auction almost 2 years ago.

    And my state tax refund paid the cost of the artist painting my Izzy's face for me and I will make payments out of my savings named slush funds for the dolls I probably should not have bought but did anyway.  and life goes on, now to tell my son that there is a package coming that he might need to watch and sign for.

Done with taxes for this year

For the first time in more than 20 years I have not bought tax software and I am not doing taxes for any one else but I will lend a hand to my sons and a couple friends.

My federal return paid down some debt and let me get caught up on a few things, like groceries and household supplies.  My state return will be going on credit card debt, have way too much of that and buying dolls has not helped, but it is my money, my life and my problems if I over spend.

Right now I should be working on some doll quilts for a friend, she will be going to UFDC this year, as usual but I won't be going.  And she will attend a dessert, I am paying the fee for that and doing doll quilts for hostess gifts so she doesn't have to come up with something.  She is very busy with doll stuff for things she is involved with so I decided I could use up some fabrics and batting I have on hand and do small doll quilts for her.

I won a bid to an easier job in the plant than what I had been doing, have been training on it a week now and am making progress, but I need to be more firm with the women who are doing that job but do not own the job, I need to spend more time doing the job to learn it and not standing watching them, they would have me just stand and watch most of the shift if I was willing.  Today I had a watch in my pocket so kept track of time and made sure I did the job for anywhere from 30 minutes to over an hour at a stretch, they both are good at asking if I am tired after about 5 minutes.  I can not learn a job if I do not do the work, and I did win the bid and have the right to learn how to do the job, qualify on it and own it.

It has not been a really bad winter here but this month has been cold and windy and colder, so I have done plenty of whining.  But the house is comfortable most of the time, I can afford the heat bills and I am slowly working on the medical bills that my being so run down cost me, along with over a month off work with NO pay.

I will pay what I can on those medical bills but some of the debt comes first, as does groceries.  I do know that the medical bills need paid off as quickly as I can get it done, but it is just going to take months on some of them.  I am not willing to put every penny I can scrape up on those bills, I will not cut back on some things, and life will survive it.  But the sooner the medical bills are paid off, the happier I will be, I have no idea right now just how many separate accounts they are, the hospital up in Rushville has quite a few, that way they can charge me and my insurance more, but this will be the last time I see any doctors there or go there for any testing, it has added quite a bit more to what I end up paying and of course, cost my insurance more also.  I learned and I will not be sent there again.

But I do have a doll on preorder and I do have 1 I got from eBay that should arrive here Friday, if the tracking is correct.  And no clothes for her, but need to finish some other things before I play, commitments I made, that matter to me.  So,maybe I can fit a doll outfit in this weekend if I get busy tonight and tomorrow after work.