People from the past

I once loved a young man, built my dreams and life around him and he and drugs pulled my world apart, shattered my dreams, I was a messed up wreck for a very long time, and even believed I was the one who failed.  

And years went by, we got back together, another child was conceived and born and drugs were still a part of his life, and making a mess of my life, the lives of my children and destroying any chance any of us had for a deceit life, a good future.  His parents helped me move myself and my children over a mountain pass, to a place where I had friends and could pick up the pieces and find a way to build my life again, he made the choice to deny being the father of my new baby, chose to throw away that child and the chance to have any part in that baby's life.

Many years have gone by, that baby boy will soon turn 29, it has been over 28.5 years now, and never once has my son asked about the man who fathered him, to see photos or know any details about that sperm donner, because he was that, not a father.

Yesterday through Facebook I was asked about helping him contact my son, that far ago past trying to reach out and touch my life and that of my now adult son.  Stupid how that managed to upset me, shake my foundations, depress me, and totally piss me off.  I will not help that old man, who still, no doubt smokes pot and might still play with other stuff, contact me or my son.  And if asked, I will not help that child I gave birth to get in touch with that man.  

That is a road I will not walk, I cannot control what others do, but I can control what I do, and the choices I make in my life.

This life here in central Illinois is my life, no one built it for me, no one has paid the bills for it, I have done it, and paid the price.  I am the one who has worked long and hard hours at meat packing plants for the paychecks and the benefits that have built this life, and bought the stuff I have in this life, from my house to my bike and scooter, from the table I made, with some help, to the IPad I am using to write this, my hard work has paid the bills.

I know many think pot is not such a big deal, but it is here, keep it out of my house, vehicle, property and my life.  And if you mess with it, I will keep you out of my life, my right of choice, and my right to exclude drugs, drinking, porn and a few other things from my life.

I am not in charge of the lives of other people and their choices, but I do have the right to the choices in my life and in what and who is a part of my life.  And I have the right to live my life in peace with the balance I have achieved, and worked hard for.

Vacation week and making progress

I have put my house and property low on the priority list way too often in the past few years, a poor choice but I also have dealt with a lot of life changes in the past 4+ years and my share of depression and life out of balance stuff.

So, now I am getting finances back on track, my old house and very small lot back on track and my life back on track.  That means my wants and needs are top of that list, being at my place is high on my list and my time for Clayville.org and Pleasant Plains Historical Society is high on that list.

No, I'd don't want to go camping right now, have work here that is far more important to me and that seeing the progress here, investing my week of paid vacation time into my place matters and more importantly, really makes me happy.

That car accident really fouled me up, the deception about finances from someone I thought was very honest really rocked my head and world.  I made some poor choices and was very financially careless during that accident recovery, and then spent several years feeling I would never dig my way out of the pit I dug, that it didn't matter, and that I didn't matter.

Long, rough road but I got through that and will honestly say that the trips out west and the dreams of a future with that man did help me get through a very black, very scary time in my life.  So, scales of life have balanced out, and I am building once again for my future, my way, and with my priority list.

The south end of the attic gained a lot of drywall this past week, that will help with both heating and cooling, the patio is done and paid for, I hope to start the work for a landing in 3 weeks, should have funds for some lumber by then.

The door will have to come out, down to the rough opening and custom door be ordered so I need to be ready to either pay for that or able to afford financing it before the door is taken out.  The opening will be covered with plastic and plywood but I love that door window and will miss it every day I have plywood and no window to let in light and let me look at my east lawn/back yard/new patio.

The old truck is going to cost me a very big shop bill, not the oil change, low rear tire issue and no cool air stuff but the rusted away shackles holding the very needed rear springs and the rusting away front part that also is needed to hold truck running gear to the rest of it.  I am glad Bruce caught it, am glad I have had this week off work so truck could live down at the shop and glad I have good credit.  I have asked Jake to pay his June rent a bit early so that could go to Bruce on the shop bill and will figure out what I do about the rest.  I can run an account at the shop but hate to do that as know Bruce has to keep his finances snug too, so his employees have paychecks and the benefits they deserve and earn.

I want to learn (and always have) bobbin/pillow lace making and cannot afford the bottom of the line kit at this time, that makes me down and then I have to remind myself of all the great stuff I do have to play with and of all the blessings in my life and know that I can afford that kit in a few months, or maybe bid on EBay for the 1up right now.  

So, time to get work clothes on and start work outside, looking forward to seeing improvements outside before the day is over, that thought makes me smile.

Last Saturday of this month

This has not been a bad month but I feel like my brains have been on auto pilot or in a fog most of the time, especially with money and bills being paid.  It is a very good thing I pay them with a trackable means so I can go check if I did make that payment.

And my hard earned savings is taking a huge hit this coming week, or so I hope, this coming week.  The much needed/wanted  13.5x21.5 foot patio pour is finally getting to the top of my concrete concractor's schedule, He hopes to be framing up Monday.  So, $1989 for the job, part from the lot I sold in MO, the rest is savings, which I have because I work, and because I have automatic withdrawals into 2 savings accounts, every week, 1for long term and the other is usually referred to as 'slush funds'. 

So, the patio job will be paid for, and then I hope to slowly afford the materials for the landing, which I have yet to figure out on paper, and then I can take out the current back door, rip it down to the rough frame again, and take accurate measurements to order a correctly fitting new kitchen door.  And live with plywood and plastic over the opening from when I rip out the old door until the new one is installed.  But, hey, it will be great to go in and out, once done, and it will mean no more packing groceries and everything else around to the front porch.

The patio will get the glider that is currently on the bike patio, once the bags of mulch are off that, and in time, a picnic table or something like and a grill.  I also want 1 of those clay pot outdoor fireplace things, so I can burn up the twigs and small stuff like that.  And a small child's wading pool for Shadow to play in.

The old house progress here goes so very slowly most of the time, and if have not put the house first as often as I should have, but I am working to do more of that, less wasting money, more long term planning for what I want my life to evolve into, this house to turn into, goals once again, solid ones I can build to and reach.

I need to build my life, my way, and not just exist, day to day, or just 'go with the flow', but I am making some progress with that.  I feel like I am back tracking a huge amount when I see my savings balance drop so much, so fast, but then remind myself, it is a huge step in old house progress, and every week my savings gets money, it will grow again, and the 401K stuff keeps growing, the debt load keeps shrinking, next tax refund might pay off what is left of the mortgage by then.  Credit debt goes done slowly, but every month it is a bit less, so, stability is gained.

But I still wish I had won a terrific new grill for my patio instead of a huge new flat screen tv, which I will set up and enjoy after Jake moves out, he can help me finish up the shelf project and get the 55 inch tv out of the corner of a closet and onto the shelf before he leaves with the current living room tv.

Tired and a bit blue

Work has issues, rotation does not go well this week due to manning issues, not in my control and I need to work on not letting the situation and the people make waves in my pond.  I like it when I have smooth days, we rotate in a tidy and timely manor and the pace stays steady.  That is not this week, at least not so far.

But the kitchen floor is still clean, I mopped it twice this past weekend, and I have swept the living room floor and upstairs so that is house chores done, at least for now.

The sun is out but it is not very warm, but I need to get someone to come mow and my hostas are coming up.  The roses are starting to leaf out some but I am not seeing any signs of life from any pampas grass clumps.  I worry that I might have lost all of me and it will take several years to get something else growing that will create a living privacy fence for me.

Still no word from the concrete contractor, wish I would hear something soon and see that patio pour done.  I might call him later this week.

Mike Ferrin is now teaching some beginning pottery classes, involved with some Vet. organization and made me a yarn bowl, it arrived yesterday and brightened my wet, cold and gloomy day.  I now have it living on the kitchen bench with my current sock project and it is nice to not be chasing the ball of yarn.

I don't have any real reasons to feel sad and blue so I will blame it on chemical balance, maybe too much pain from work, or the wet and cold weather we keep having.

My life really is very good, finances are snug but I am making progress with the house, with the debt load and still managing to stay fed and keep gas in my truck.  The house is quiet, ok, so the dog is not exactly quiet but no tv and no video games, no heavy political conversation I do not want drug into.  I am not lonely and do not want company or conversation or entertainment, I am doing the heel on the 2nd sock of the long, dark socks I am knitting.

I need several pair of long socks for my Clayville wear and we know I will knit, not buy them.  This first pair is from some more of the yarn left over from Jake's sweater, and in time I will buy yarn in gray to knit another pair.  I do not want white socks, I know how fast they will be dingy looking with me wearing them and weeding the garden or any other outside things I will be doing.

So, I don't want playmates, or tv or conversation, maybe some music, a bit more to eat, work a bit on the sock, read a bit while I knit and get to bed early will help me.  

Open jobs are posted tomorrow, the high point of my Wednesday at the plant, I hope to find something that will suit my body better than what I am doing and on day shift kill floor as I know my body will not tolerate the cold of the cut floor and I do not want to go back to working 2nd shift.

I know part of my problem is being so tired and hurting so much, so hopefully I can change that by bidding to a job that suits my old body better.

But I am working and earn more than I would have coming in if I was on disability, and I am happier than if I was on disability, and I will get through this blue spot.

glitchy Sunday

Today was just 1 of those days when things get done but everything you  do had a snag or glitch or issue.  o, not a bad  day but 1 that did not flow well or run smooth.  The laundry and dishes are all done, most of laundry  is put away, 1 dog leash is mended, the 2nd is ready to sew the hand strap back together, Shadow had managed to chew through both of the chain leashes, on the webbing hand loop.  Easy to fix but it would be nice if he would decide everything he can get in his mouth does  not need in his mouth or  chewed up.
The 2nd pair of drawers fit right so i no longer need to tweak that pattern and once the handwork is done, I can move to the next pattern to  adjust.  But it would have been nice to get the handwork done today, guess I should be glad I did make some progress.
I ran to Rushville to bring Ben here to help me with some tech work, Jake did not let me know a friend called while I was gone, she needed some help with a knitting problem so I ended up trying to  help her by phone instead of in person, which never goes as well.
But it was a good weekend, and I made progress on that list of stuff I want or need to do, the house is quiet and the lunch bag is packed for work, weather is better, stuff outside is growing and I am ready for another week at work.

Open, empty back lawn

Jake and Darcy helped me with clean up and burning the yard waste Sunday, now my back lawn/ yard looks so open and empty.  With the pampas grass cut down I have no privacy from the street and alley, the grass had not yet greened up, the day lilies are slow to show up this year so it is a big empty space with no privacy.

In time I will have it fenced and that will help some in the spring and I know it won't be long before things green up and start to grow.  It just take time and warmer weather.

Work is going ok but coming home is not.  Jake living here is livable but his girlfriend staying here most of the time is not.  Talking calmly to Jake about it has not changed things, I like her but I do not want her staying here all the time.  I don't even want her here every weekend.  Or all week and back at her parents on weekends.  I like it best when I am the only human living here, I tolerate Jake living here but know it is short term and he tends to leave me alone, does not chatter at me when I come in from work.

I will not be run out but I admit to hiding upstairs and being not happy about it.  I want my house back, I want no young women staying here most of the time and I want to get up to quiet, I want to come home to quiet, and I want people to go home where they belong.  It they do not want to live at home, then they can go work enough hours to pay rent and get their own place.  Not occupy my home, not make me feel crowded in my own place.

Humans, please go find your own place, nicely, quietly, please just go and leave me to my little old house alone, birds and dog may stay.

Winding down, a long day

But work was over 8 hours, good for that paycheck that will be short 2 days. And I have the batteries back in the Rebel and the scooter and took the scooter to get dog food.

Shadow has been working on pushing to see just how bad he can be and still live.  This dog has a lot of growing pains, as he grows, we have the pains and today he was pushing hard to see just how bad he could be.  Out of the yard and not come to me, jump up on me at the table, he is taking stuff from the table when we are out of the kitchen, found my new tube of Carmex on the living room floor. He has also deliberately peed on the floor, his ' in a snit' thing he does when he can't have his way.  

So, he can sleep in his crate, he is safe, the kitchen floor has been mopped 2times tonight and I am just stressed out with the dog, with a human or two, with things in general.

Tomorrow is the quilt show, the doll club meeting and I need to pick up the concrete patio blocks and some for the retaining wall so I can get that started.  Going 1 more patio block deep, 16" so I can fence across to the southeast corner of the house, with gates to get the bike and scooter in and out.  I need enough depth so the Rebel will fit without having to be at an angle and I need the change done before I start seeing contractors here for bids on the concrete patio pour that I hope/plan to have done this spring/summer.

I hope to see the survey done this coming week, the deposit has been paid and that check cleared my bank, and then I get to start figuring the fencing and what that will cost, as I can afford the materials and do the work.  At least it is a job that can be done in sections.

I really need to keep finances snug and make smart money choices so I can afford that fencing and some drywall and so forth, debt load will not go down very fast but as long as I can pay some over the minimum I will have to be ok with that.  Priorities, the house payment, the fencing and keep nibbling down that debt load, keep adding to the 401K, keep working on my small and boring life.

I am not bored with it but it sure would not make a book any one would pay to read.  I like this town and I like the house I have, might like a location away from such busy streets but at least I can get in and out when the streets are covered in snow.

A back patio and the kitchen door working will help, and fencing will help, along with some planned landscaping and a outdoor fabric "wall" on the south side of the big patio will give me an area where I feel I have some privacy.

But I know I live where anyone who wants to, can keep an eye on my life, and on my coming and going, make me feel spied on, make me feel like I am stalked.  Bugs me but then, I know that is part of why it is done, like tinkering/messing with the Passports was done more to irritate and bug me than to really help me out.  The Passports moved home and have been sold, the scooter and Rebel stay here and I tarp/cover them for weather protection.  My solution to that entertainment, but I don't know yet how I will deal with the spy game or if I will just work on tuning it out for the most part.  It is a good way for a man to become someone I used to spend time with, instead of someone I spend time with but he  has not figured that one out.

Oh, well, petty issues, every one has a few in their lives to deal with and I have dealt with worse.