Human issues and God

I absolutely believe in God, or the existence of something far beyond my human understanding that exists, and is involved with our tiny human lives.  I do believe in the birth and death of Jesus, and that of the teacher called Budda.

I believe in a final judgement of a soul, after it has moved on from the body it resides/ resided in.  And I believe in reincarnation.

I believe in forgiveness and in forgiving but I think that some sort of rules are in force here.  If I deliberately hurt or harm, or cause harm, attempt to cause harm to someone, it only by repenting of my actions and Asking Them for that forgiveness do balance or start to correct that wrong, their forgiving me, once I am dead does not fix this wrong with God or the world, but if the issue troubles that person, their forgiving me after death can make them more comfortable.  It does not gain the dead anything, they are still accountable for their actions and get to sort it out with God.

Death is not an automatic clean slate wipe for the soul, and if I see no reason to forgive the dead, that does not make me a bad person, their sins are not weighing on my soul, mine are.  And if what wrong they did me is long past and I have lived years beyond the reach of that person, good for me.

I do believe that God is firmly in charge of those scales of justice and can sleep well, knowing it is with God first I keep my life in balance.

No, I am not forgiving some nasty, mean bit of humanity, but I am also not letting their past actions make any waves in my emotional pond.  They were not worth packing around in my load of emotional garbage I pack around.  Their actions eventually got them terminated from our mutual place of employment, solved my being harassed by them and in time I relocated in another state.

So, no, this death makes little waves in my pond.  I am thankful to now be employed where our management takes swift action to stop harassment long before it has much of a start and where no one tells me I need a better sense of humor when I ask management to put a stop to my being harassed in the work place.

The rough and rocky road I walk.

The kitchen is close to done, some trim work and painting, the counters to come and be installed, me to plumb the new sink, so that is looking better.  The mortgage papers are signed and Tuesday I pick up the check and will have Lowe's paid off and some on the rest of my debt load.

But I am not working, and have no income, have a heart condition and am chasing medical tests and the leave/disability pay paperwork and trying to make sure this medical issue does not cost me my much needed and much liked job in a place I like to work, with good pay and benefits.

In the meantime, I do not see the cardiologist again until 1/7/2015, all the tests should be done by then and I will learn what has been found and hopefully get on a treatment plan that will allow me to be back at work and a stable life with a manageable health condition.

I have managed to get the allergies and asthma into a very controlled and livable issue and I have managed to get the physical damage from the car accident into a livable life and working again with very livable pain levels so I believe I can conquer this health issue too.

But the days get long, I have plenty of small jobs here I can work on, both old house, cleaning and sewing, mending, knitting, designing for the dolls, sewing for the dolls so there is plenty here to entertain me with little or no cost.

But I miss work, miss the job, the people, the routine and balance it gives my silly little life.  I will manage but it will take time and effort, pouting and feeling sorry for myself will not fix a thing, action, positive thought, planning will.

But I had my first dinner guests in my kitchen, Sam, who came to see Jake and bring over a car, and Jake's girlfriend and her mother.  The potatoes and chicken went into the grill, Ben helped with a lot of quick house cleaning and kitchen tidying up, Jake bought the chicken and made sure his dad didn't get too lost and we survived.

Next time I want a working kitchen sink and the counters installed, a bit more planning time and to not be feeling sick from the stress test I had yesterday.

But, we did ok, no one starved, we all had clean dish ware to eat from, and Shadow survived being chained outside so we humans did not have to battle or trip over him.

How Jake managed to get his dad to drive over here, alone is amazing, Sam hates long drives, roads he does not know, but he made it with little problem.  I would like to route him back the way I usually run but as Jake will be going with him, Jake is buying the little car Sam drove over, nice looking and makes me wish I could afford it.

But the house is quiet, the weather is staying mild, the old house is looking better and I feel a bit more positive about my life now than I did when I headed to bed last night.

Damn all theives, everywhere

Ya, I know, I have a huge attitude about thieves, and especially people working jobs where their employer expect them to be trusted and so do customers.  Right now my big issue is with the delivery service that delivered my new kitchen cabinets to my home.  2 youngish men, both white, according to my son who was home to accept that delivery last week, Thursday.
One was outside most of the time, and when in my home, only helping move larger cardboard boxes into the designated location area, corner of the kitchen where those cabinets end up installed.  The other man, the 1 who was in the kitchen most of the time, the man with the metal clipboard with storage area, ya I have 1 of those that is plastic.  He is probably the person who stole my iPod Touch, 5th generation, special edition red, engraved on the back, wearing a Journey's End skin from DecalGril, and a shock protective hot pink cover.  The iPod, which was on the small shelf by my charging station was certainly home, where it lives, in my kitchen when I left for work Thursday morning.
I have that 'find my missing device' app activated, and phone calls were made to Lowes, to KraftMade cabinets and a call back to me from the delivery company and a long conversation twice now with a very polite and nice sounding woman.  This does not return my missing and much missed device, this does not keep that man from stealing from others but I hope hie get caught, and I hope he looses his job, that his life gets miserable and that he learns that stealing from homes of people or businesses he is delivering to is a very bad choice.
But I know I can replace the device, and I have been busy changing a lot of passwords, to all those apps that are in my passcoded, locked device that I hope he got very little $ from selling or will never be able to make usable.
I plan to keep it logged on my Apple account, and I do not plan to set things to erase the data on that device, so, maybe lifting that bright pink Apple device will not work out so well in his life.  I want his life to become very miserable.
And I have the same attitude about the 2 people at our plant who were terminated recently for stealing food from our cafeteria, we earn enough to pay for that food, and the much poorly paid employees of our cafeteria contractor get reamed over those food losses.  That stuff is all figured out and someone in their management knows how short the sales are, their employees get harassed by their management and held at fault for something they really cannot prevent.  So, no, I don't feel bad for that woman who has worked the plant as long or longer than I have or the man that was also caught.  They knew they were stealing and they knew if caught, and proven the company policy is termination.
So, now that I have vented, and whined, I will continue to live my good life, hope the cabinet installer is here tomorrow and makes good progress, the counter company will be here next Friday and I will be off work on a paid vacation day to be here, they are measuring and I have decisions to make on the counters.
Once that has a bill, I can get with my bank and all the kitchen costs end up rolled into a new mortgage, and my life settles back into a quiet winter routine with work, old house projects and my dolls, sewing, knitting and reading books.
And I will daily check for a location on my missing Touch and daily ill wish that man who stole it from my home.
Jake is right when he says my weapon of choice is a heavy battleax.

Late night thoughts

I should have tucked in and been asleep hours ago but am enjoying my quiet attic space and a book instead.
the weather is getting colder, I think fall will be short and winter long and hard this year but the kitchen should be warmer and I am going to plastic the outside of the front door.  And hope to deal with the draft problem, that huge gap between the door edge and the frame.  It will take some work and I will whine and complain while I do the job but it will get done.
And  I should get most of the ceiling trim done in the kitchen, the new top on the corner shelf done so that big tv I won this past spring will have a place to go.
every day  i can count my many blessings and realize how happy i am and how goof my life is.  So, no matter the problems with the old house, I will find a road that works.

The renovator's nightmare

I have had an ongoing relationship with this old house for over 10 years now.  It gets a lot of the money I earn, it needs more than I can give it, there are days I think it hates me, but it is my home and my sanctuary from the world.

The last owners were living examples of filthy white trash, and when they finally got out, the house was crawling with cockroaches and reeking from urine and feses, but I could finally start working on cleaning it up and repairs.  

It was months before I could move in, and even then, after several thousand dollars and many long and hard man hours of work, I washed dishes in plastic tubs and had no kitchen cabinets and counters.

Several years down the road, I refinanced the original loan and had half the foundation replaced.  And in the summer I hand dug the trench for waterline, sand is easy to dig but it wants to keep sliding back in too. 

And then the roof began to leak, and that got worse and worse, but I could not afford to refinance, not just yet.  About 3 years of leaking roof later I was in a bad car accident and I still had to deal with a leaking roof.

But the other driver at fault had good insurance, I pushed hard to get my life back and go back to work, that took 8 months and 17 days.  And a long wait on the settlement from the insurance, and living with a still leaking roof.

The settlement put central air and a new roof and a battle in small claims court with a rather dishonest roofing contractor.  It cost me a lot more in legal fees than I won, but he lost and he did have to pay his lawyer and me.

And I put a lot of work into the sub floor and the knee walls and paid for work to be done, now that little 1900 house with 4 rooms has an attic which is still being worked on, still needs a lot of drywall and some other work but someday will get finished.

But I battled with the bank to refinance once again, this time to buy this old house a very handicapped friendly kitchen.  And last night the cabinet installer was here to do needed measurements and tonight I put the first coat of primer on the new drywall, tomorrow I will start the painting.

And as soon as all the paperwork is to Lowes for the cabinet order, I will do my part, the bank will finance this as a builder's loan and the cabinets will get ordered.  It might be late December before the kitchen is done but I will be glad to go to work so.i can pay the bills, and keep working on this old house.

Whining about old houses and men in suits

The loan officer was just thrilled to help refinance my mortgage, and pushed for me to borrow more than I planned to borrow.  My credit, at least with the bank, is excellent, 10+ years and never late with a single payment...

So then comes the man in a suit to turn up his nose at my old house, and he comes while I am on vacation with the house a torn up mess, Jake nose deep on his laptop (doing schoolwork) and Ben and I are playing with my truck.  Ya, it was not running and no truck means no building supplies....

So, he thinks the place is ugly and a mess, worth the loan but I should be made to use the funds as he  thinks is the best use.  Do remember that this man does not live here and he is not going to be making the payments on that loan.

I am not putting cheap vinyl siding on this place, it needs the old asphalt siding removed, the old clapboard siding repaired and then house wrap, insulation and siding. Stucco is top on my wish list for that siding but I could consider other options.  Throwing a quick and cheap siding job and then making payments on it for far longer that it will last is not on my list.

The suit thinks my kitchen floor needs to be leveled, which means tearing out the ceramic tile Mick and I put down, putting plywood sub floor down and shimming/tweaking it to get a flat, level floor and then what? I have some cheap vinyl flooring installed that will not hold up long but I will be paying for it too for years to come.  And I should put in cheap cabinets and counters, never mind how long they will last, and he just put over$17,000 into doing his kitchen.

But my loan officer does not agree with the suit, and so I will probably get to refinance and put in the kitchen I want to pay for, and do the other things my way.

It is annoying, he is right that nothing here is done, and that the current siding looks terrible but last I checked, I do not live outside the house, and I have all new windows, except for those current big holes with plastic over them.

The metal roof, all those Pella windows, the drywall and work in the attic, the stairs, wiring, central air and drywall was not done with any loans, and I have not paid a lot for the labor, a lot of my sweat and some of my blood, and plenty of what I earn working in a pork processing plant has made the mortgage payments and put all the improvements into this house and will continue to do so.

And the suit can do as he pleases with his home and his money, and leave this grumpy old woman alone with her renovation project.

Old house progress

I spent my vacation week trying to make some progress on this old house, getting the last old windows out, the damaged kitchen door out and repairs done so all are ready for replacements.  I opened up the wall between the kitchen and living room with shelving from the back of the bench height to about a foot below the ceiling.  They still need trimmed out and another cost of paint but I like what they have done for both spaces.

I put peg board in between the studs on the wall between the kitchen and laundry area, the first has the keys and charger cords, all handy and off the pot rack.  The other 2 spaces will be used to hang the coffee cup collection.  I doubt if they will all fit but I will get some of them out of a box and enjoy seeing them here.

It is becoming my home, my house, done to suit my wants and needs, the open shelves between the kitchen eating area and the living room.  The new kitchen windows and in time, the new cabinets and counters.

And I will find time to clean the grasses out of the flower beds again, it needs done several times a year and I am behind on that again.

I am tired of sharing the house with my much loved son but know he and I will manage a little longer.  It is livable most of the time but I look forward to my home to myself and going back to sleeping in my downstairs bedroom, and having my living room back

Going home

Right now, somewhere between MN and CA, Sam, James, Angelo, Bugs and Joanah are taking Cynthia on her final trip home.  I lost track of time, don't remember when she passed away, know Jake is more calmed down, know Ben has let go of a tiny bit of anger and resentment but my life had some major re-evaluation with the massive stroke and complications, and eventual long drawn out death of my sons step mother.

I shifted my priorities, thought over friendships, relationships, work and my time. Made a few changes, shifted a few things, sorted out some of my values and priorities and now, as they head to a funeral and look at picking up their lives, adjusting to all the changes it makes when you loose someone who is the core figure/force in several lives.  

I sit and deal with laundry and think about the huge air draft and damage our house dog has done to the front door, look at the plans for my landing from the kitchen door to the new patio, too big to be called steps, too small to be a deck, as I look out at our wet day ending, I think about how my life has changed in the past 16+ years since my ex husband married a mail order bride.

I would not recommend it, after seeing what that marriage has done to his finances and to his relationship with his older 2 sons, but it is his life, and I do not and did not have to live with much of what went on, clearly I managed to move out of reach.

An old house, 11+ years in the same meat packing plant, the same small river town, even the same phone number for almost 12 years.  A bit boring probably but this life works for me and I like it.  I like this old house, despite the work it needed before the dog added front door frame damage.

And I like where I work and most of the management, most of the people I work around and know they do not impact my life very much, I don't have to let them be part of more than my work days.

I tried but couldn't get Cynthia to accept that I existed and that I was a very involved part of the lives of those boys, she thought she was getting motherless orphans and instead got Maggie's boys.  Who came with their bonding to their mom, not something she expected and not something she could find a way to accept.

I am working on not having my head so set in stone that I cannot adjust or am not willing to flex a bit on some issues and with some things.  But, I do have to be true to myself and I do have to like myself, and that does mean being who I want to be, doing what matters with my time and my life.

It is not a rich and wonderful life, and it would not suit many but it fits me and I manage the rough spots and manage to tweak what needs tweaked, and I treasure and value every minute of each and every day that I have.

Life and getting through it

I m trying to pay debts done, work on this old house, keep the bills paid on time and cruising EBay is not a good way to keep things going in a stable manor.
I have plenty of dolls and looking at dolls that I would not be happy with once they were here and I could sure add to the credit debt that is way higher than I like now.  I just want stuff, or want to buy myself stuff or am feeling a bit down and do stupid things when I am down and being moody.
Life here is good and it works for me, even on the days I make or almost make poor choices with credit. But for now, I shut down the web page and found something else to do instead of drooling over dolls I don't need and most likely would regret putting on a credit card after it was done.
Life here is quiet and the phone is not ringing, I think Larry is stepping back, I do like him but I don't have the ability to make the space/place for him in my life that he deserves in a relationship.   I need to walk my own road, do the stuff that makes my life work and meets my needs in so many ways.
The water heater has a new lower element so will keep working for a few more years, I have a job that pays the bills and gives me some extra now and then.  I have the scooter and Rebel to ride, the flax at Clayville is drying and I will probably be removing the seeds this coming weekend. Ya, life here is good and I will try and not mess up the budget with dolls or other stuff

Pain and awake in the night

Boy, this has not happened for a long time, enough pain/discomfort that i am not sleeping good and am awake in the night to get something for pain and tea.
But i am ok with it, know the aspirin will kick in and i can sleep late.  I had a good Friday with production off work due to , disease killing baby pigs.  Cargill cannot buy pigs for our plant if the pigs did not live to grow up, so we will see some short weeks, which i have paid vacation days to use for.
The boys are in MO with their dad, visitation is today/Saturday, but i am not expected/required/need to attend so will stay on my side of the river.   Sam and her sons will take her body home for burial and mine will not be going.  Then Sam and her sons will figure out their life and what to do.
Pal Kim and I ended up going to Springfield to play, we found her needed case for her free Kindle Fire HD, at Tuesday Morning, I found a grill cover for my new grill at Menard's for under  $16, and sandals and a huge dog bone for the dog at Scheels and then to our favorite all you can eat stop.
The mowing did not get done but it will and i probably will run to Clayville and check the flax and do some weeding.  and I will bind off the socks I have been making for pal Julie.
Normal little life here, help gone for the weekend so no landing started, spent money on myself that did not need to be spent, and had a good day, ya, that works for me, single and in charge of my own life.

A death and life changes

My ex husband married a woman from the Phillipines and let me know, often, back before he married his 'mail order bride' and after they were married how much better a wife she would be than I was.  She would be harder working, she would be more thrifty about money, she would be far more content with his life style and she would help him build the ranch better.

They have had over 16 years of marriage now, and she has passed away today, at 50, complications from a massive stroke she suffered this past winter.

They have a son who is 14 now, and he worried about leaving her a widow with a child not yet grown.  Now, it is him, at 68, left to finish raising that boy.  

The ranch, sold, debts paid off, a big move to the Phillipines where life was not good, her family often stole from them and it took a loan from our youngest son for him to return to the States, with their son. She had already returned so she could work and build up her social security benefits.  Or so the story I was told goes.  They were not in the Phillipines 2 years before returning to the USA, broke, and it only took her a few months to start building up credit debt again, in about 2 years she has built that debt up to $20,000 or more.  This does not include the 1/2 million or so in medical bills.

She drove my sons away, or at least she did 1, and the other hung on, despite her abuse.  They call her the witch and think she has ruined their father's life.  They thought he would go first and then they would tell her just how badly they hated her and so forth.  Now, they have gone to try and help support their dad and be there for him, because they love him.

I thought his getting married again would free me of the guilt trips he often dumped on me, and I would get my life back.  I wanted his marriage to work, to be good for both of them, for her to love him and be better for him than I was.  I failed to measure up to those marks he put for me, but I wanted her to surpass them, I thought she was so brave to come so far, to such a different world to make a new life.

She hated me, before she even married him, she hated me, and she was jealous of me, silly stuff, that jealousy, it made no sense to me.

I prayed for her happiness, and for her healing after the stroke, and for more than the past month, for her recovery or easy passing, not a long and slow, drawn out dying that she has gone through.

In time, I hope my sons find forgiveness for her, and that Ben finds forgiveness for his dad, he is holding grudges still.

I pray that their dad and younger brother, her older son and his family, all get through this very hard time, that they find the closure they all need and the road ahead they need to walk.

And every day, I thank God for my life here in central IL, for all the healing I have had since the car accident almost 4.5 years ago.  I am thankful for my job, and the people I work with, for the old house I live in, the friends I have, the balance my life usually has.

I think they deserved better than what their lives became but I know it was not an accident or natural disaster or someone else, but their own choices, their credit debt alone makes my credit and mortgage look like a hill of beans, easy to get over or sort out.

Choices, we make them and we live with the results. I know, since her stroke I have been working on better life choices, better financial choices, better direction for my long term happiness and know slow and steady will get this old house in better shape, the debt load shrinks a bit at a time and I am doing things with my non work time that really matter to me, that make me feel good about myself and about the future.

Off to bed, my day starts early, and my life goes on, mostly quiet, probably boring for many people but it works for me, I like who I am and I do know I didn't fail that marriage, we had problems, partly because of a huge ranch relocation and he would not work on the problems he was having with depression and adjusting to a new location, and he would not work on our problems, it wa my problems and his way or the highway.

I deserved better than that, and was a better wife than he admitted, and more careful about money, harder working, I lived for his dreams and for his life, I made it be my dreams and my life.  Now, I live my life, and treasure it every hour of every day.

Busy weekends

I had different plans for my 3 day weekend than reality has given me.  Hopes of more drywall on the attic ceilings turned into a long drive to Columbia MO and back home Friday and today it was some weeding in the flax patch, a lesson on making brooms, register the Rebel, mow the lawn, off to Jacksonville with Jake and Ben, collect the girlfriend, watch How to train your dragon 2, home to take Ben out to pizza and up to Rushville where he is currently living, home to wash 2 loads of laundry, the first is in the dryer.

I hope my Sunday is quiet and I get some sewing on my Clayville clothing done.  I need my 2nd shift ready for the hand work and I need my cap and bonnet ready for the hand woke and made to fit my small head.  I need my waist pockets done and ready to wear/use.

With most of the other work done, with the laundry already well started, I hope Sunday is an easy and lazy day for me.

The cap still needs cut out, the shift sleeves need cut shorter by at least 2 inches, but it should not be hard to have most, if not all the machine work done.

And the trip to Columbia was the right thing to do. I took Jake down to spend some time with his dad. Sam is down at University Hospital, where the much hated stepmother is in cardiac ICU, and in very bad shape.  I don't know if I ever hated her, but I sure hated the damage she did to my sons and to the relationship they had with their dad.  I sure do not hate her for what she has done to Sam or his ranch or his financial situation.  I think he had a huge part in bringing that about or in allowing it to happen.

I am not bitter or jealous but I am practical and honest.  Sometimes those scales in life do balance out, and sometimes a person does get what they have earned, the bad and ugly along with the good.

And I thank God often for the good life I have, and for helping me through my ups and downs in life, for all the blessings and for helping me not hang on to hate, anger and bitterness.

It is way past my normal bedtime and I am falling asleep.

 

Sewing day but would have rather

I had a lot of small sewing stuff that really needed done or at least started so I worked all day in the sewing studio and would have loved to be out on the Rebel, but that does not get my sewing projects done or even started.
I now have stuff cut out to sew for my Clayville outfit and will stat working on them this week.  I also made a needle book for my small sewing kit, made the fabric case for that and made the bobbin lace bobbin holder/roll that just needs the tie string or ribbon added.  And I have 2 pair of bobbins wound with thread to start practicing with.  I have the lace board that came with the low budget kit covered and has both sides done so will be very usable, I hope and the fabric clothes made that you cover the form/pillow with. 
Last night I was up way too late watching YouTube videos on bobbin lace, so am ready to start making my first practice pricking.  But not tonight.
The scooter needs a clean air filter and that is ordered.  Jake and I spent time in Springfield Saturday and I spent too much money but I will make the budget work, have 2 pair of smaller jeans, $24+tax, some sewing stuff I could have waited on, a new mower on my Lowes card, but I did think and spend carefully.  I know the summer will be very snug financially but I will manage. 
Life here is ok, place is mowed, the rain will help everything, including the weeds grow, the sewing studio is a bit more tidy and I feel good about the progress I made on my sewing project list.
Now it is time to shut down and get to sleep as we have an early start in the morning and a long work day to get through.

People from the past

I once loved a young man, built my dreams and life around him and he and drugs pulled my world apart, shattered my dreams, I was a messed up wreck for a very long time, and even believed I was the one who failed.  

And years went by, we got back together, another child was conceived and born and drugs were still a part of his life, and making a mess of my life, the lives of my children and destroying any chance any of us had for a deceit life, a good future.  His parents helped me move myself and my children over a mountain pass, to a place where I had friends and could pick up the pieces and find a way to build my life again, he made the choice to deny being the father of my new baby, chose to throw away that child and the chance to have any part in that baby's life.

Many years have gone by, that baby boy will soon turn 29, it has been over 28.5 years now, and never once has my son asked about the man who fathered him, to see photos or know any details about that sperm donner, because he was that, not a father.

Yesterday through Facebook I was asked about helping him contact my son, that far ago past trying to reach out and touch my life and that of my now adult son.  Stupid how that managed to upset me, shake my foundations, depress me, and totally piss me off.  I will not help that old man, who still, no doubt smokes pot and might still play with other stuff, contact me or my son.  And if asked, I will not help that child I gave birth to get in touch with that man.  

That is a road I will not walk, I cannot control what others do, but I can control what I do, and the choices I make in my life.

This life here in central Illinois is my life, no one built it for me, no one has paid the bills for it, I have done it, and paid the price.  I am the one who has worked long and hard hours at meat packing plants for the paychecks and the benefits that have built this life, and bought the stuff I have in this life, from my house to my bike and scooter, from the table I made, with some help, to the IPad I am using to write this, my hard work has paid the bills.

I know many think pot is not such a big deal, but it is here, keep it out of my house, vehicle, property and my life.  And if you mess with it, I will keep you out of my life, my right of choice, and my right to exclude drugs, drinking, porn and a few other things from my life.

I am not in charge of the lives of other people and their choices, but I do have the right to the choices in my life and in what and who is a part of my life.  And I have the right to live my life in peace with the balance I have achieved, and worked hard for.

Vacation week and making progress

I have put my house and property low on the priority list way too often in the past few years, a poor choice but I also have dealt with a lot of life changes in the past 4+ years and my share of depression and life out of balance stuff.

So, now I am getting finances back on track, my old house and very small lot back on track and my life back on track.  That means my wants and needs are top of that list, being at my place is high on my list and my time for Clayville.org and Pleasant Plains Historical Society is high on that list.

No, I'd don't want to go camping right now, have work here that is far more important to me and that seeing the progress here, investing my week of paid vacation time into my place matters and more importantly, really makes me happy.

That car accident really fouled me up, the deception about finances from someone I thought was very honest really rocked my head and world.  I made some poor choices and was very financially careless during that accident recovery, and then spent several years feeling I would never dig my way out of the pit I dug, that it didn't matter, and that I didn't matter.

Long, rough road but I got through that and will honestly say that the trips out west and the dreams of a future with that man did help me get through a very black, very scary time in my life.  So, scales of life have balanced out, and I am building once again for my future, my way, and with my priority list.

The south end of the attic gained a lot of drywall this past week, that will help with both heating and cooling, the patio is done and paid for, I hope to start the work for a landing in 3 weeks, should have funds for some lumber by then.

The door will have to come out, down to the rough opening and custom door be ordered so I need to be ready to either pay for that or able to afford financing it before the door is taken out.  The opening will be covered with plastic and plywood but I love that door window and will miss it every day I have plywood and no window to let in light and let me look at my east lawn/back yard/new patio.

The old truck is going to cost me a very big shop bill, not the oil change, low rear tire issue and no cool air stuff but the rusted away shackles holding the very needed rear springs and the rusting away front part that also is needed to hold truck running gear to the rest of it.  I am glad Bruce caught it, am glad I have had this week off work so truck could live down at the shop and glad I have good credit.  I have asked Jake to pay his June rent a bit early so that could go to Bruce on the shop bill and will figure out what I do about the rest.  I can run an account at the shop but hate to do that as know Bruce has to keep his finances snug too, so his employees have paychecks and the benefits they deserve and earn.

I want to learn (and always have) bobbin/pillow lace making and cannot afford the bottom of the line kit at this time, that makes me down and then I have to remind myself of all the great stuff I do have to play with and of all the blessings in my life and know that I can afford that kit in a few months, or maybe bid on EBay for the 1up right now.  

So, time to get work clothes on and start work outside, looking forward to seeing improvements outside before the day is over, that thought makes me smile.

Last Saturday of this month

This has not been a bad month but I feel like my brains have been on auto pilot or in a fog most of the time, especially with money and bills being paid.  It is a very good thing I pay them with a trackable means so I can go check if I did make that payment.

And my hard earned savings is taking a huge hit this coming week, or so I hope, this coming week.  The much needed/wanted  13.5x21.5 foot patio pour is finally getting to the top of my concrete concractor's schedule, He hopes to be framing up Monday.  So, $1989 for the job, part from the lot I sold in MO, the rest is savings, which I have because I work, and because I have automatic withdrawals into 2 savings accounts, every week, 1for long term and the other is usually referred to as 'slush funds'. 

So, the patio job will be paid for, and then I hope to slowly afford the materials for the landing, which I have yet to figure out on paper, and then I can take out the current back door, rip it down to the rough frame again, and take accurate measurements to order a correctly fitting new kitchen door.  And live with plywood and plastic over the opening from when I rip out the old door until the new one is installed.  But, hey, it will be great to go in and out, once done, and it will mean no more packing groceries and everything else around to the front porch.

The patio will get the glider that is currently on the bike patio, once the bags of mulch are off that, and in time, a picnic table or something like and a grill.  I also want 1 of those clay pot outdoor fireplace things, so I can burn up the twigs and small stuff like that.  And a small child's wading pool for Shadow to play in.

The old house progress here goes so very slowly most of the time, and if have not put the house first as often as I should have, but I am working to do more of that, less wasting money, more long term planning for what I want my life to evolve into, this house to turn into, goals once again, solid ones I can build to and reach.

I need to build my life, my way, and not just exist, day to day, or just 'go with the flow', but I am making some progress with that.  I feel like I am back tracking a huge amount when I see my savings balance drop so much, so fast, but then remind myself, it is a huge step in old house progress, and every week my savings gets money, it will grow again, and the 401K stuff keeps growing, the debt load keeps shrinking, next tax refund might pay off what is left of the mortgage by then.  Credit debt goes done slowly, but every month it is a bit less, so, stability is gained.

But I still wish I had won a terrific new grill for my patio instead of a huge new flat screen tv, which I will set up and enjoy after Jake moves out, he can help me finish up the shelf project and get the 55 inch tv out of the corner of a closet and onto the shelf before he leaves with the current living room tv.

Tired and a bit blue

Work has issues, rotation does not go well this week due to manning issues, not in my control and I need to work on not letting the situation and the people make waves in my pond.  I like it when I have smooth days, we rotate in a tidy and timely manor and the pace stays steady.  That is not this week, at least not so far.

But the kitchen floor is still clean, I mopped it twice this past weekend, and I have swept the living room floor and upstairs so that is house chores done, at least for now.

The sun is out but it is not very warm, but I need to get someone to come mow and my hostas are coming up.  The roses are starting to leaf out some but I am not seeing any signs of life from any pampas grass clumps.  I worry that I might have lost all of me and it will take several years to get something else growing that will create a living privacy fence for me.

Still no word from the concrete contractor, wish I would hear something soon and see that patio pour done.  I might call him later this week.

Mike Ferrin is now teaching some beginning pottery classes, involved with some Vet. organization and made me a yarn bowl, it arrived yesterday and brightened my wet, cold and gloomy day.  I now have it living on the kitchen bench with my current sock project and it is nice to not be chasing the ball of yarn.

I don't have any real reasons to feel sad and blue so I will blame it on chemical balance, maybe too much pain from work, or the wet and cold weather we keep having.

My life really is very good, finances are snug but I am making progress with the house, with the debt load and still managing to stay fed and keep gas in my truck.  The house is quiet, ok, so the dog is not exactly quiet but no tv and no video games, no heavy political conversation I do not want drug into.  I am not lonely and do not want company or conversation or entertainment, I am doing the heel on the 2nd sock of the long, dark socks I am knitting.

I need several pair of long socks for my Clayville wear and we know I will knit, not buy them.  This first pair is from some more of the yarn left over from Jake's sweater, and in time I will buy yarn in gray to knit another pair.  I do not want white socks, I know how fast they will be dingy looking with me wearing them and weeding the garden or any other outside things I will be doing.

So, I don't want playmates, or tv or conversation, maybe some music, a bit more to eat, work a bit on the sock, read a bit while I knit and get to bed early will help me.  

Open jobs are posted tomorrow, the high point of my Wednesday at the plant, I hope to find something that will suit my body better than what I am doing and on day shift kill floor as I know my body will not tolerate the cold of the cut floor and I do not want to go back to working 2nd shift.

I know part of my problem is being so tired and hurting so much, so hopefully I can change that by bidding to a job that suits my old body better.

But I am working and earn more than I would have coming in if I was on disability, and I am happier than if I was on disability, and I will get through this blue spot.

glitchy Sunday

Today was just 1 of those days when things get done but everything you  do had a snag or glitch or issue.  o, not a bad  day but 1 that did not flow well or run smooth.  The laundry and dishes are all done, most of laundry  is put away, 1 dog leash is mended, the 2nd is ready to sew the hand strap back together, Shadow had managed to chew through both of the chain leashes, on the webbing hand loop.  Easy to fix but it would be nice if he would decide everything he can get in his mouth does  not need in his mouth or  chewed up.
The 2nd pair of drawers fit right so i no longer need to tweak that pattern and once the handwork is done, I can move to the next pattern to  adjust.  But it would have been nice to get the handwork done today, guess I should be glad I did make some progress.
I ran to Rushville to bring Ben here to help me with some tech work, Jake did not let me know a friend called while I was gone, she needed some help with a knitting problem so I ended up trying to  help her by phone instead of in person, which never goes as well.
But it was a good weekend, and I made progress on that list of stuff I want or need to do, the house is quiet and the lunch bag is packed for work, weather is better, stuff outside is growing and I am ready for another week at work.

Open, empty back lawn

Jake and Darcy helped me with clean up and burning the yard waste Sunday, now my back lawn/ yard looks so open and empty.  With the pampas grass cut down I have no privacy from the street and alley, the grass had not yet greened up, the day lilies are slow to show up this year so it is a big empty space with no privacy.

In time I will have it fenced and that will help some in the spring and I know it won't be long before things green up and start to grow.  It just take time and warmer weather.

Work is going ok but coming home is not.  Jake living here is livable but his girlfriend staying here most of the time is not.  Talking calmly to Jake about it has not changed things, I like her but I do not want her staying here all the time.  I don't even want her here every weekend.  Or all week and back at her parents on weekends.  I like it best when I am the only human living here, I tolerate Jake living here but know it is short term and he tends to leave me alone, does not chatter at me when I come in from work.

I will not be run out but I admit to hiding upstairs and being not happy about it.  I want my house back, I want no young women staying here most of the time and I want to get up to quiet, I want to come home to quiet, and I want people to go home where they belong.  It they do not want to live at home, then they can go work enough hours to pay rent and get their own place.  Not occupy my home, not make me feel crowded in my own place.

Humans, please go find your own place, nicely, quietly, please just go and leave me to my little old house alone, birds and dog may stay.

Winding down, a long day

But work was over 8 hours, good for that paycheck that will be short 2 days. And I have the batteries back in the Rebel and the scooter and took the scooter to get dog food.

Shadow has been working on pushing to see just how bad he can be and still live.  This dog has a lot of growing pains, as he grows, we have the pains and today he was pushing hard to see just how bad he could be.  Out of the yard and not come to me, jump up on me at the table, he is taking stuff from the table when we are out of the kitchen, found my new tube of Carmex on the living room floor. He has also deliberately peed on the floor, his ' in a snit' thing he does when he can't have his way.  

So, he can sleep in his crate, he is safe, the kitchen floor has been mopped 2times tonight and I am just stressed out with the dog, with a human or two, with things in general.

Tomorrow is the quilt show, the doll club meeting and I need to pick up the concrete patio blocks and some for the retaining wall so I can get that started.  Going 1 more patio block deep, 16" so I can fence across to the southeast corner of the house, with gates to get the bike and scooter in and out.  I need enough depth so the Rebel will fit without having to be at an angle and I need the change done before I start seeing contractors here for bids on the concrete patio pour that I hope/plan to have done this spring/summer.

I hope to see the survey done this coming week, the deposit has been paid and that check cleared my bank, and then I get to start figuring the fencing and what that will cost, as I can afford the materials and do the work.  At least it is a job that can be done in sections.

I really need to keep finances snug and make smart money choices so I can afford that fencing and some drywall and so forth, debt load will not go down very fast but as long as I can pay some over the minimum I will have to be ok with that.  Priorities, the house payment, the fencing and keep nibbling down that debt load, keep adding to the 401K, keep working on my small and boring life.

I am not bored with it but it sure would not make a book any one would pay to read.  I like this town and I like the house I have, might like a location away from such busy streets but at least I can get in and out when the streets are covered in snow.

A back patio and the kitchen door working will help, and fencing will help, along with some planned landscaping and a outdoor fabric "wall" on the south side of the big patio will give me an area where I feel I have some privacy.

But I know I live where anyone who wants to, can keep an eye on my life, and on my coming and going, make me feel spied on, make me feel like I am stalked.  Bugs me but then, I know that is part of why it is done, like tinkering/messing with the Passports was done more to irritate and bug me than to really help me out.  The Passports moved home and have been sold, the scooter and Rebel stay here and I tarp/cover them for weather protection.  My solution to that entertainment, but I don't know yet how I will deal with the spy game or if I will just work on tuning it out for the most part.  It is a good way for a man to become someone I used to spend time with, instead of someone I spend time with but he  has not figured that one out.

Oh, well, petty issues, every one has a few in their lives to deal with and I have dealt with worse.

Men, dating, on line dating web sites and that stuff in general

I admit to looking now and then at on line dating sites, am not willing to date people who work at the plant, don't see dumping the friendship with Larry at this time and have to be honest,the old house projects, both inside and outside hold more interest for me than a potential romance.

I admit to liking my very solitary lifestyle, plenty I enjoy doing alone and if I want company, I can usually find either Larry or a gal pal or son to keep me company.  And I like time alone, a lot of time alone.   I can read, watch what I want to watch, Downton Abby is my current enjoyment. I have time to sew and knit, plan out projects and see progress on them.

And my finances seem to be more stable.  Not getting rich, not even getting out of debt very fast but making ok progress on reducing the debt load, progress on this old house and progress on me.

I think tweaking me is and always will be an on-going project.  I need to find ways to get more organized and more tidy, I need to have better control of my temper, and of my spending impulses.

The weather this winter has been colder with more snow than in the past 10 winters I have been in Illinois and that too has added to my restless moods.  But I got exercise shoveling snow, and I helped my neighbors south of me, so that was good too.

Think there are a lot of good people out there, single and looking to meet someone, hope they find each other, know I am really not 1of them, know I don't want involved with any one, but do look now and then and dream.

Think I am happier dreaming about moving to the Faroe Islands than dreaming about a relationship, both occupy my mind while I do those jobs at the plant that now earn my living, and dating is less fun to dream about than becoming part of a small village on a rocky island in the North Sea.

Not blaming men for this, just accepting the reality of my life, this old house and what I really want for my life and for my future.

The house will be a long and slow project, but it is my project, and I don't want it taken over by someone else, and I sure do not want to loose the roof over my head due to the problems of some other person, not of my doing.  So, alone works for keeping the house and my stability as secure as I can make it, and that seems to be far more secure than I have found life with a man to be.

But I think it is great that 1 of my cousins is taking a holiday with her husband to celebrate their 25th anniversary.  And I like it that friends from childhood are still married to each other, despite all the rough times their lives have had, people I know do make marriage work.

But I don't want marriage, or live together or even a lot of time with anyone right now, I want stable finances and progress on my projects planned for this summer.

Working on that "me" project

Being back on the kill floor and a brainless, for the most part, job means that I have time again to dream and also to nit-pick my life and all the crappy choices I have made over the past 55+ years.

Being single, staying single and only a friendship, a very limited one with 1man seems to be working for me, at least far better than some of the past choices.

And I am working on controlling my using plastic cards to indulge and waste money that I later never seem to get paid off, high interest rates and way too much credit debt.  But I am making a bit of progress, not as much as I want.  But I am saving and have a 401K now to go with that Con-Agra pension I will hope to get every month.  

The house progress seems to be at a stop, I had hoped to see more drywall up but Jake and I did not communicate well with the 3 day weekend I had last month and so I lost that great work time.  But I will see outside progress this spring or early summer and plan to get some drywall, help to get it up into the attic and then help as needed to get it on the south end wall and some more of my ceiling heat loss area.

I am knitting on my 6th sock for the brace, but neglecting the doll clothes sewing that I should be working on and I will hope to make some doll sewing time this coming weekend.  I am tired, have been tired most of the week, but we are not working this Saturday and I plan to sleep later than 5 am if Shadow will let me.

Well, I am falling asleep and need a few things done first so better be done here and get with that before bed stuff.

Bitter cold and ugly outside

I have been in IL for 11 winters now, and this is the coldest winter I have seen here.  But the house is not too cold and the most recent utility bill is less than this time last year, despite it averaging at least 7 degrees colder than this time last month.
I still have a lot of drywall work to do in the attic and 2 windows in the kitchen to replace so I won't complain about the utility bill.  I know it will slowly improve and it is not as bad as many.  The old house has made a lot of progress in the years I have owned it, and it has a long way to go, but I gain a bit as I can afford to and as I have help.
I like my life here, my singleness and lifestyle here.  I work long and hard hours now on days at the plant and like it better than I did the frock room.  The pay is better most of the time also and I don't have the bickering women to deal with.
I am finding time to sew for my dolls and hope to sell some of my work, have most of my tax work done and plans for a survey on the property and get it legally recorded.  I want to try and start work on fencing the north, east and part of the south so I have a more dog safe place here and also deal with the property line issue between my property and the property on the north.
Life here is not perfect but I keep making it work, make the choices that are best for me, and work on letting go of the garbage from the past.
The dog is growing and at almost 8 months old, needs to be spanked a lot more if he was a child, he whines, he bullies, he pitches dog fits if he can't have his own way and he gets time out in his crate.  Living through the next few months with him will be challenging but I know part of his acting up is the cold weather. It has become too cold for the dog to enjoy outside, but it took getting down to 10 above and winds for that to happen.
Jake is doing ok with school and life and the current girlfriend, who is often here.  I like her and enjoy her company so have no complaints.  We all need to put a bit more effort into house work some days and the dishes grow into mountains far too often but we survive.