Going home

Right now, somewhere between MN and CA, Sam, James, Angelo, Bugs and Joanah are taking Cynthia on her final trip home.  I lost track of time, don't remember when she passed away, know Jake is more calmed down, know Ben has let go of a tiny bit of anger and resentment but my life had some major re-evaluation with the massive stroke and complications, and eventual long drawn out death of my sons step mother.

I shifted my priorities, thought over friendships, relationships, work and my time. Made a few changes, shifted a few things, sorted out some of my values and priorities and now, as they head to a funeral and look at picking up their lives, adjusting to all the changes it makes when you loose someone who is the core figure/force in several lives.  

I sit and deal with laundry and think about the huge air draft and damage our house dog has done to the front door, look at the plans for my landing from the kitchen door to the new patio, too big to be called steps, too small to be a deck, as I look out at our wet day ending, I think about how my life has changed in the past 16+ years since my ex husband married a mail order bride.

I would not recommend it, after seeing what that marriage has done to his finances and to his relationship with his older 2 sons, but it is his life, and I do not and did not have to live with much of what went on, clearly I managed to move out of reach.

An old house, 11+ years in the same meat packing plant, the same small river town, even the same phone number for almost 12 years.  A bit boring probably but this life works for me and I like it.  I like this old house, despite the work it needed before the dog added front door frame damage.

And I like where I work and most of the management, most of the people I work around and know they do not impact my life very much, I don't have to let them be part of more than my work days.

I tried but couldn't get Cynthia to accept that I existed and that I was a very involved part of the lives of those boys, she thought she was getting motherless orphans and instead got Maggie's boys.  Who came with their bonding to their mom, not something she expected and not something she could find a way to accept.

I am working on not having my head so set in stone that I cannot adjust or am not willing to flex a bit on some issues and with some things.  But, I do have to be true to myself and I do have to like myself, and that does mean being who I want to be, doing what matters with my time and my life.

It is not a rich and wonderful life, and it would not suit many but it fits me and I manage the rough spots and manage to tweak what needs tweaked, and I treasure and value every minute of each and every day that I have.

Life and getting through it

I m trying to pay debts done, work on this old house, keep the bills paid on time and cruising EBay is not a good way to keep things going in a stable manor.
I have plenty of dolls and looking at dolls that I would not be happy with once they were here and I could sure add to the credit debt that is way higher than I like now.  I just want stuff, or want to buy myself stuff or am feeling a bit down and do stupid things when I am down and being moody.
Life here is good and it works for me, even on the days I make or almost make poor choices with credit. But for now, I shut down the web page and found something else to do instead of drooling over dolls I don't need and most likely would regret putting on a credit card after it was done.
Life here is quiet and the phone is not ringing, I think Larry is stepping back, I do like him but I don't have the ability to make the space/place for him in my life that he deserves in a relationship.   I need to walk my own road, do the stuff that makes my life work and meets my needs in so many ways.
The water heater has a new lower element so will keep working for a few more years, I have a job that pays the bills and gives me some extra now and then.  I have the scooter and Rebel to ride, the flax at Clayville is drying and I will probably be removing the seeds this coming weekend. Ya, life here is good and I will try and not mess up the budget with dolls or other stuff

Pain and awake in the night

Boy, this has not happened for a long time, enough pain/discomfort that i am not sleeping good and am awake in the night to get something for pain and tea.
But i am ok with it, know the aspirin will kick in and i can sleep late.  I had a good Friday with production off work due to , disease killing baby pigs.  Cargill cannot buy pigs for our plant if the pigs did not live to grow up, so we will see some short weeks, which i have paid vacation days to use for.
The boys are in MO with their dad, visitation is today/Saturday, but i am not expected/required/need to attend so will stay on my side of the river.   Sam and her sons will take her body home for burial and mine will not be going.  Then Sam and her sons will figure out their life and what to do.
Pal Kim and I ended up going to Springfield to play, we found her needed case for her free Kindle Fire HD, at Tuesday Morning, I found a grill cover for my new grill at Menard's for under  $16, and sandals and a huge dog bone for the dog at Scheels and then to our favorite all you can eat stop.
The mowing did not get done but it will and i probably will run to Clayville and check the flax and do some weeding.  and I will bind off the socks I have been making for pal Julie.
Normal little life here, help gone for the weekend so no landing started, spent money on myself that did not need to be spent, and had a good day, ya, that works for me, single and in charge of my own life.

A death and life changes

My ex husband married a woman from the Phillipines and let me know, often, back before he married his 'mail order bride' and after they were married how much better a wife she would be than I was.  She would be harder working, she would be more thrifty about money, she would be far more content with his life style and she would help him build the ranch better.

They have had over 16 years of marriage now, and she has passed away today, at 50, complications from a massive stroke she suffered this past winter.

They have a son who is 14 now, and he worried about leaving her a widow with a child not yet grown.  Now, it is him, at 68, left to finish raising that boy.  

The ranch, sold, debts paid off, a big move to the Phillipines where life was not good, her family often stole from them and it took a loan from our youngest son for him to return to the States, with their son. She had already returned so she could work and build up her social security benefits.  Or so the story I was told goes.  They were not in the Phillipines 2 years before returning to the USA, broke, and it only took her a few months to start building up credit debt again, in about 2 years she has built that debt up to $20,000 or more.  This does not include the 1/2 million or so in medical bills.

She drove my sons away, or at least she did 1, and the other hung on, despite her abuse.  They call her the witch and think she has ruined their father's life.  They thought he would go first and then they would tell her just how badly they hated her and so forth.  Now, they have gone to try and help support their dad and be there for him, because they love him.

I thought his getting married again would free me of the guilt trips he often dumped on me, and I would get my life back.  I wanted his marriage to work, to be good for both of them, for her to love him and be better for him than I was.  I failed to measure up to those marks he put for me, but I wanted her to surpass them, I thought she was so brave to come so far, to such a different world to make a new life.

She hated me, before she even married him, she hated me, and she was jealous of me, silly stuff, that jealousy, it made no sense to me.

I prayed for her happiness, and for her healing after the stroke, and for more than the past month, for her recovery or easy passing, not a long and slow, drawn out dying that she has gone through.

In time, I hope my sons find forgiveness for her, and that Ben finds forgiveness for his dad, he is holding grudges still.

I pray that their dad and younger brother, her older son and his family, all get through this very hard time, that they find the closure they all need and the road ahead they need to walk.

And every day, I thank God for my life here in central IL, for all the healing I have had since the car accident almost 4.5 years ago.  I am thankful for my job, and the people I work with, for the old house I live in, the friends I have, the balance my life usually has.

I think they deserved better than what their lives became but I know it was not an accident or natural disaster or someone else, but their own choices, their credit debt alone makes my credit and mortgage look like a hill of beans, easy to get over or sort out.

Choices, we make them and we live with the results. I know, since her stroke I have been working on better life choices, better financial choices, better direction for my long term happiness and know slow and steady will get this old house in better shape, the debt load shrinks a bit at a time and I am doing things with my non work time that really matter to me, that make me feel good about myself and about the future.

Off to bed, my day starts early, and my life goes on, mostly quiet, probably boring for many people but it works for me, I like who I am and I do know I didn't fail that marriage, we had problems, partly because of a huge ranch relocation and he would not work on the problems he was having with depression and adjusting to a new location, and he would not work on our problems, it wa my problems and his way or the highway.

I deserved better than that, and was a better wife than he admitted, and more careful about money, harder working, I lived for his dreams and for his life, I made it be my dreams and my life.  Now, I live my life, and treasure it every hour of every day.

Busy weekends

I had different plans for my 3 day weekend than reality has given me.  Hopes of more drywall on the attic ceilings turned into a long drive to Columbia MO and back home Friday and today it was some weeding in the flax patch, a lesson on making brooms, register the Rebel, mow the lawn, off to Jacksonville with Jake and Ben, collect the girlfriend, watch How to train your dragon 2, home to take Ben out to pizza and up to Rushville where he is currently living, home to wash 2 loads of laundry, the first is in the dryer.

I hope my Sunday is quiet and I get some sewing on my Clayville clothing done.  I need my 2nd shift ready for the hand work and I need my cap and bonnet ready for the hand woke and made to fit my small head.  I need my waist pockets done and ready to wear/use.

With most of the other work done, with the laundry already well started, I hope Sunday is an easy and lazy day for me.

The cap still needs cut out, the shift sleeves need cut shorter by at least 2 inches, but it should not be hard to have most, if not all the machine work done.

And the trip to Columbia was the right thing to do. I took Jake down to spend some time with his dad. Sam is down at University Hospital, where the much hated stepmother is in cardiac ICU, and in very bad shape.  I don't know if I ever hated her, but I sure hated the damage she did to my sons and to the relationship they had with their dad.  I sure do not hate her for what she has done to Sam or his ranch or his financial situation.  I think he had a huge part in bringing that about or in allowing it to happen.

I am not bitter or jealous but I am practical and honest.  Sometimes those scales in life do balance out, and sometimes a person does get what they have earned, the bad and ugly along with the good.

And I thank God often for the good life I have, and for helping me through my ups and downs in life, for all the blessings and for helping me not hang on to hate, anger and bitterness.

It is way past my normal bedtime and I am falling asleep.

 

Sewing day but would have rather

I had a lot of small sewing stuff that really needed done or at least started so I worked all day in the sewing studio and would have loved to be out on the Rebel, but that does not get my sewing projects done or even started.
I now have stuff cut out to sew for my Clayville outfit and will stat working on them this week.  I also made a needle book for my small sewing kit, made the fabric case for that and made the bobbin lace bobbin holder/roll that just needs the tie string or ribbon added.  And I have 2 pair of bobbins wound with thread to start practicing with.  I have the lace board that came with the low budget kit covered and has both sides done so will be very usable, I hope and the fabric clothes made that you cover the form/pillow with. 
Last night I was up way too late watching YouTube videos on bobbin lace, so am ready to start making my first practice pricking.  But not tonight.
The scooter needs a clean air filter and that is ordered.  Jake and I spent time in Springfield Saturday and I spent too much money but I will make the budget work, have 2 pair of smaller jeans, $24+tax, some sewing stuff I could have waited on, a new mower on my Lowes card, but I did think and spend carefully.  I know the summer will be very snug financially but I will manage. 
Life here is ok, place is mowed, the rain will help everything, including the weeds grow, the sewing studio is a bit more tidy and I feel good about the progress I made on my sewing project list.
Now it is time to shut down and get to sleep as we have an early start in the morning and a long work day to get through.

People from the past

I once loved a young man, built my dreams and life around him and he and drugs pulled my world apart, shattered my dreams, I was a messed up wreck for a very long time, and even believed I was the one who failed.  

And years went by, we got back together, another child was conceived and born and drugs were still a part of his life, and making a mess of my life, the lives of my children and destroying any chance any of us had for a deceit life, a good future.  His parents helped me move myself and my children over a mountain pass, to a place where I had friends and could pick up the pieces and find a way to build my life again, he made the choice to deny being the father of my new baby, chose to throw away that child and the chance to have any part in that baby's life.

Many years have gone by, that baby boy will soon turn 29, it has been over 28.5 years now, and never once has my son asked about the man who fathered him, to see photos or know any details about that sperm donner, because he was that, not a father.

Yesterday through Facebook I was asked about helping him contact my son, that far ago past trying to reach out and touch my life and that of my now adult son.  Stupid how that managed to upset me, shake my foundations, depress me, and totally piss me off.  I will not help that old man, who still, no doubt smokes pot and might still play with other stuff, contact me or my son.  And if asked, I will not help that child I gave birth to get in touch with that man.  

That is a road I will not walk, I cannot control what others do, but I can control what I do, and the choices I make in my life.

This life here in central Illinois is my life, no one built it for me, no one has paid the bills for it, I have done it, and paid the price.  I am the one who has worked long and hard hours at meat packing plants for the paychecks and the benefits that have built this life, and bought the stuff I have in this life, from my house to my bike and scooter, from the table I made, with some help, to the IPad I am using to write this, my hard work has paid the bills.

I know many think pot is not such a big deal, but it is here, keep it out of my house, vehicle, property and my life.  And if you mess with it, I will keep you out of my life, my right of choice, and my right to exclude drugs, drinking, porn and a few other things from my life.

I am not in charge of the lives of other people and their choices, but I do have the right to the choices in my life and in what and who is a part of my life.  And I have the right to live my life in peace with the balance I have achieved, and worked hard for.