We, Jake and I are miserable in a house without Kid, and I know he can't be replaced but we need another dog in our lives. We both did some on line looking and this weekend, since I have 3 days off, I will be going to Paducah KY to bring back a puppy, Chesapeake Retriever and Weimaraner cross that both Jake and I think will grow into a great companion.
I still have not gotten a Nexus 7, and I still keep wanting one, but life sure gets in the way, LOL, ended up with Jake taking my truck yesterday so I could not run to Jacksonville and buy one. Today I ended up working later than I expected so I didn't have the time after work to run to Jacksonville and Staples.
The mail brought another insurance bill, good thing I did not spend the money on a Nexus or add it to my already huge credit debt.
The work shift with Barb gave us a chance to talk, I did tell her about my problem with credit and buying myself stuff, to reward me, to comfort me, and messing up my finances and adding to credit debt.She talked about the years before she and Thomas were married, raising her kids alone and in poverty.
She wants bedroom furniture, a good mattress and a bed frame, dressers to put their clothes in, with dresser tops to put things on, her little things, his stuff.
I am going back to production with our frock room jobs ending, she is taking the lay-off and unemployment and I think she is putting herself and her family back into the poverty they left behind in Detroit, all those years ago when they put their clothes in plastic bags and got on a bus to come down south for jobs in a pig plant.
I will get by, I will worry about about money and qualifying for another job in plant but I will do ok. I hope that Barb and her family do ok too, but they have to live their own lives and go the direction that they feel is best.
Hell, I can't even find a way to talk to the man I have been dating for over 2.5 years and get him to understand that our relationship is not good for me, his house is not healthy for me, and I am not going to sit around and watch t.v and do nothing and I want and need more intelligent conversation in my life.
But, I am going to enjoy my little holiday and Jake and I will spend time teaching each other what puppies should not be chewing up and hopefully teach this pup some better manners while he is small so he's not a huge horse knocking people over at the door.
My old house needs a huge amount of work still but I now have privacy film on the windows so i can enjoy having the curtains pulled back and not feel anyone is spying on me and prying into my life. I will get some help and get some of the drywall up on the south end, 4 sheets are here and paid for. I will work on the front door and the problems and drafts with that. And the outside work is making progress, rains have helped but I walked around in the back and the weed and feed have knocked the weeds back some, I have to give the grass a fighting chance.
And it's getting later and later and I still need to pack a few things for an overnight trip so better get with that and clothes laid out for tomorrow, might even get the dishes washed tonight so they are out of the way tomorrow. I am looking forward to my road trip, it will be a bit of a long drive for me, alone on the way down but I will have the new family member on the way back home.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
Hurting
I really do understand people/cultures who practice self-mutilation as a part of their grieving process. I don't know if it helps but when you hurt so much inside, it just seems right that some of that suffering and pain show on the outside.
We lost my silly dog, Kid, an accident while he was on an outing with Jake and Ben. All preventable, if only, but there is no Turing back the clock on this past Saturday and doing anything different.
Kid is dead, buried, gone and I have to find a way to accept, deal with and adjust to that. As does Jake, whose bed Kid almost always shared. The house is so empty, birds are their usual loud selves but without Kid, it is an empty house. No more battles about who goes out the door first, no more nose poking and dog nudging and digging me out of bed early in the morning to take him out for potty call. No more nose pushing aside the curtain on the south living room window so he could watch traffic or watch me mow.
Lost my yard work, flower bed supervisor, my hard black tail beating on me, huge feet in the way, big dog crowding me through doorways, supervisor for long soaks in the tub with a book.
Glad I was already scheduled for Monday and Tuesday off work, already had flower bed clean up on the plans so am getting that done, along with dividing day lilies, some to go on Kid's grave.
Jake has put in at least 1 application for dog rescue, Lab/Weimaraner breed, I put in a call to someone raising them, puppies all sold.
We know that no other dog will be Kid, but we know his breeding was a big part of what made him such a great dog for both of us.
I just want my Kid back, under foot, in the way, sucking up attention, nudging me to pet him or take him out so he could potty, sniff everything, chase the cats that live around here.
Caught up on laundry, worked on outside/fall clean up and garden chores, grieved, and drew farther away from the world.
Got privacy film up on 2 more windows and on the window in the front door, have enoug left I will probably start on bathroom windows, at least the lower half. I want the curtains pulled back so I have the light in, but it is not to watch the street, I could care less who is driving by, but I miss having the light in, and miss seeing my flower beds and such. The film will shut out the view into the house but allow me to have the light, see, and enjoy my own home more.
Finishing up a pair of socks for Jake, got 1 started for mr and might get the mate cast on before I shut down for the night. Trying to not cry myself to sleep tonight, sleeping with my old bear again, doing a lot of talking to God and think God is okay with me feeling I don't want to go to heaven if there is no dogs there, if I don't have Kid waiting for me there. Right now, the idea of a heaven without dogs doesn't seem to be any place I could ever be willing to visit, much less be stuck with staying.
We lost my silly dog, Kid, an accident while he was on an outing with Jake and Ben. All preventable, if only, but there is no Turing back the clock on this past Saturday and doing anything different.
Kid is dead, buried, gone and I have to find a way to accept, deal with and adjust to that. As does Jake, whose bed Kid almost always shared. The house is so empty, birds are their usual loud selves but without Kid, it is an empty house. No more battles about who goes out the door first, no more nose poking and dog nudging and digging me out of bed early in the morning to take him out for potty call. No more nose pushing aside the curtain on the south living room window so he could watch traffic or watch me mow.
Lost my yard work, flower bed supervisor, my hard black tail beating on me, huge feet in the way, big dog crowding me through doorways, supervisor for long soaks in the tub with a book.
Glad I was already scheduled for Monday and Tuesday off work, already had flower bed clean up on the plans so am getting that done, along with dividing day lilies, some to go on Kid's grave.
Jake has put in at least 1 application for dog rescue, Lab/Weimaraner breed, I put in a call to someone raising them, puppies all sold.
We know that no other dog will be Kid, but we know his breeding was a big part of what made him such a great dog for both of us.
I just want my Kid back, under foot, in the way, sucking up attention, nudging me to pet him or take him out so he could potty, sniff everything, chase the cats that live around here.
Caught up on laundry, worked on outside/fall clean up and garden chores, grieved, and drew farther away from the world.
Got privacy film up on 2 more windows and on the window in the front door, have enoug left I will probably start on bathroom windows, at least the lower half. I want the curtains pulled back so I have the light in, but it is not to watch the street, I could care less who is driving by, but I miss having the light in, and miss seeing my flower beds and such. The film will shut out the view into the house but allow me to have the light, see, and enjoy my own home more.
Finishing up a pair of socks for Jake, got 1 started for mr and might get the mate cast on before I shut down for the night. Trying to not cry myself to sleep tonight, sleeping with my old bear again, doing a lot of talking to God and think God is okay with me feeling I don't want to go to heaven if there is no dogs there, if I don't have Kid waiting for me there. Right now, the idea of a heaven without dogs doesn't seem to be any place I could ever be willing to visit, much less be stuck with staying.
Friday, September 6, 2013
working on life here
Finding balance most of the time, trying to keep my life working, the finances working and like who I am and what I am doing.
Still have some issues with the man stuff, not sure about what to do with who I date, and what time I spend with him, know I want to keep my life going in directions that work for me, that I can manage and be happy. He is a good man but there are small things that add up to me getting more and more distance.
I love having a bike again, it gives me a lot of freedom, emotionally. And I do like my life, even when it has rough spots and issues. The house needs so much work, the debt load is high, the landscaping is a neglected mess, the son leaves the house a disaster at times. But it is all workable.
I would like to manage my finances better than I am doing now, but the debt load is going down, I am working hard to Not use my Credit for stuff I can wait on, making payments as big as I can on all the debts, including utilities, round up is the key for that.
Moods are staying more stable, but I have a long list of stuff I need to do, should get done and that list is not shrinking very much. But, at least I am not being depressed, and I am doing good with cutting out snacking on candy, and not making M&Ms a meal. So, I have dropped a few pounds in the past 6 months and that is a good thing.
Did start a membership at a singles web site but not ready to make it a paid membership, but might in the future. Not sure if that is something I want or not but I am thinking about what I do want sometime down the road. I know that having Jake live here does fill some of the companionship needs in my life but he will be here only for a while.
I do like feeling that I own my own life and am in charge of it, and know that staying single has a lot more that than any committed relationship and I sure don't need a sex life or scratch an itch now and then stuff.
Still have some issues with the man stuff, not sure about what to do with who I date, and what time I spend with him, know I want to keep my life going in directions that work for me, that I can manage and be happy. He is a good man but there are small things that add up to me getting more and more distance.
I love having a bike again, it gives me a lot of freedom, emotionally. And I do like my life, even when it has rough spots and issues. The house needs so much work, the debt load is high, the landscaping is a neglected mess, the son leaves the house a disaster at times. But it is all workable.
I would like to manage my finances better than I am doing now, but the debt load is going down, I am working hard to Not use my Credit for stuff I can wait on, making payments as big as I can on all the debts, including utilities, round up is the key for that.
Moods are staying more stable, but I have a long list of stuff I need to do, should get done and that list is not shrinking very much. But, at least I am not being depressed, and I am doing good with cutting out snacking on candy, and not making M&Ms a meal. So, I have dropped a few pounds in the past 6 months and that is a good thing.
Did start a membership at a singles web site but not ready to make it a paid membership, but might in the future. Not sure if that is something I want or not but I am thinking about what I do want sometime down the road. I know that having Jake live here does fill some of the companionship needs in my life but he will be here only for a while.
I do like feeling that I own my own life and am in charge of it, and know that staying single has a lot more that than any committed relationship and I sure don't need a sex life or scratch an itch now and then stuff.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Bikes and boys
20 years ago I bought my Honda Nighthawk, had 2 young sons who went to the bike shop with me and I told them that when they got old enough they could learn to ride on Mommy's bike. And 1 of them did, and also laid it down more than once and managed to run it out of oil, ruining the motor.
Now, once again, I have bought a motorcycle, same engine and transmission as that Nighthawk, different frame, and those 2 sons are still around. But this time, they are adults and if they take the state motorcycle safety class, get their license, I will let 1 of them ride the new bike, but not for long and not often.
Figure if people want to ride motorcycles, people should buy and support motorcycles, not part of the 'mom job' when the sons are adults. I am paying for the bike, and the parts, the insurance and I am doing the work on this bike, do not want or need sons or others to help or meddle.
I did take that safety course and my paperwork should be here in 2 weeks and not only does it get me the legal stuff, it also gets me 15% discount on my bike insurance.
And after some work, I have the bike running, rough in lower gears but that is a start. Next is a new air filter and some tweaking on the carb.
And the keys to both my scooter and my bike go to work with me, truck is here for Jake to use while his jeep is in the shop, Ben is just visiting and has no vehicle privilege in this house.
I am not too old or too crippled for a small motorcycle, and I am not too old to appreciate what my working can buy. Like my life most of the time, like living alone but don't object to Jake living here, Ben is just visiting and it has been long enough, he needs to go, no idea where he is staying but at 28, he is an adult and needs to be responsible for his own life, and not have Mommy taking care of, supporting him.
And, no, he cannot ride my bikes, he can get a job and figure out how to buy his own.
Now, once again, I have bought a motorcycle, same engine and transmission as that Nighthawk, different frame, and those 2 sons are still around. But this time, they are adults and if they take the state motorcycle safety class, get their license, I will let 1 of them ride the new bike, but not for long and not often.
Figure if people want to ride motorcycles, people should buy and support motorcycles, not part of the 'mom job' when the sons are adults. I am paying for the bike, and the parts, the insurance and I am doing the work on this bike, do not want or need sons or others to help or meddle.
I did take that safety course and my paperwork should be here in 2 weeks and not only does it get me the legal stuff, it also gets me 15% discount on my bike insurance.
And after some work, I have the bike running, rough in lower gears but that is a start. Next is a new air filter and some tweaking on the carb.
And the keys to both my scooter and my bike go to work with me, truck is here for Jake to use while his jeep is in the shop, Ben is just visiting and has no vehicle privilege in this house.
I am not too old or too crippled for a small motorcycle, and I am not too old to appreciate what my working can buy. Like my life most of the time, like living alone but don't object to Jake living here, Ben is just visiting and it has been long enough, he needs to go, no idea where he is staying but at 28, he is an adult and needs to be responsible for his own life, and not have Mommy taking care of, supporting him.
And, no, he cannot ride my bikes, he can get a job and figure out how to buy his own.
Monday, June 24, 2013
trucks, bikes and sons
I now own 1 '94 Ford Ranger and 3 Honda bikes, '81 Passport, 2008 Rebel and the '13 Metro, all need the oil changed, I am working on carburetors on 2 of the bikes, which means they also have no gas in the tank, and my truck has about 1/4 of a tank, it had over 1/2 the last time I drove it.
Son Jake's jeep is in the shop, he is running my truck, I don't mind except he does not like putting much gas in vehicles, think he got that from his dad.
Son Ben wants to ride my bikes and meddles if he is here and I have a bike project/maintenance job going, he also is very good at burning the gas I paid for and not replacing it.
So, this am I need to run to J-ville for bike parts and gee, there is my pickup, finally home and gee, not much gas, Metro is too small to run that far and back in a reasonable time, and I am Not happy Mommy...but I will get gas $ from Jake, be very happy he is the current 'at home' son as he does NOT want to ride, meddle with or otherwise have anything to do with My Honda rides.
I do have the Passport up for sale, and I do owe $$$ on the Rebel, but the Metro is almost paid off, and the $ I save on gas running here in town is great, so life will get better, I will resolve the carburetor problems, replace a gas line or 2, get bikes back together and gas in their tanks and I will get gas $ from Jake this morning. The sun is out and I have a good life, despite the bike issues, the nearly empty gas tank in my truck issue and work issues. My finances are not good, but they are livable and most of the time I am happy, would be happier if 2 or 3 of those bikes were running this week, like in the next day or so...
Son Jake's jeep is in the shop, he is running my truck, I don't mind except he does not like putting much gas in vehicles, think he got that from his dad.
Son Ben wants to ride my bikes and meddles if he is here and I have a bike project/maintenance job going, he also is very good at burning the gas I paid for and not replacing it.
So, this am I need to run to J-ville for bike parts and gee, there is my pickup, finally home and gee, not much gas, Metro is too small to run that far and back in a reasonable time, and I am Not happy Mommy...but I will get gas $ from Jake, be very happy he is the current 'at home' son as he does NOT want to ride, meddle with or otherwise have anything to do with My Honda rides.
I do have the Passport up for sale, and I do owe $$$ on the Rebel, but the Metro is almost paid off, and the $ I save on gas running here in town is great, so life will get better, I will resolve the carburetor problems, replace a gas line or 2, get bikes back together and gas in their tanks and I will get gas $ from Jake this morning. The sun is out and I have a good life, despite the bike issues, the nearly empty gas tank in my truck issue and work issues. My finances are not good, but they are livable and most of the time I am happy, would be happier if 2 or 3 of those bikes were running this week, like in the next day or so...
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
screwed up my finances
can't blame anyone for this one, I did it all on my own, standing in the rain, bidding on a 2008 Honda Rebel, motorcycle that will need work, that has a huge debt load on my paid off credit card, no funds for the DMV costs like sales tax, title and plate fee and I have NO valid license for running a bike this size.
It is sitting on my bike patio with the tank on the glider, the seats, it has 2, in the house, the carb gasket kit waiting for pickup in Jacksonville and me knowing I am going to be starving and struggling for months if not longer over this indulgence.
She's different build than that Nighthawk I had and loved so much and rode so much, Ben will not be riding this bike, Jake doesn't worry about Mom, knows her love of such thing and thinks she manages to keep her finances on track, I won't tell him different at this time.
Today is the panic and stress day, but I will get through this, get the bike running and licensed, insured and get that valid license for enjoying it out on the roads.
I did put the Passport up for sale, for a lot less than I paid for it, and if/when it sells, that will help a huge amount, and I need to write up ad for work that puts the radial arm saw, band saw and wood planer up for sale and try and get them sold and out of the house. Selling them was on the plans anyway.
I will pull from savings, keep a tight budget, scramble to be practical and thrifty and get through this.
A bit of work and this new ride will take me out of town, just running the roads to escape, to enjoy and to be me, like the smaller bikes here in town but have missed the bigger bike.
I didn't think, after the accident I would ever get back to where a road bike was possible but I am to that place, healed, gained back far more of ME than I ever thought I could, know I am not the woman I was before that damn car accident, but I am far better, stronger than I was a year ago and far harder and tougher than I was before the accident.
But, my life is also far more about me and what I want and were I want to go with that life, more self centered and more selfish, and I am ok with that.
So, I will shuffle, and push the funds, will whine and grouse but all in all, I will get through it and be ok with where I am taking my life and with who I am.
Today is a bit of a down day, but it won't last long, did get part of the do list done, will not sweat the stuff that did not get done, know I manage my life so it works out, and pull through the messes, get things back on track and working.
Jake will get his jeep out of the shop and quit running my truck, I will get the laundry done, the dog fed, the Passport sold, the new bike licensed and running and I will enjoy the summer.
It is sitting on my bike patio with the tank on the glider, the seats, it has 2, in the house, the carb gasket kit waiting for pickup in Jacksonville and me knowing I am going to be starving and struggling for months if not longer over this indulgence.
She's different build than that Nighthawk I had and loved so much and rode so much, Ben will not be riding this bike, Jake doesn't worry about Mom, knows her love of such thing and thinks she manages to keep her finances on track, I won't tell him different at this time.
Today is the panic and stress day, but I will get through this, get the bike running and licensed, insured and get that valid license for enjoying it out on the roads.
I did put the Passport up for sale, for a lot less than I paid for it, and if/when it sells, that will help a huge amount, and I need to write up ad for work that puts the radial arm saw, band saw and wood planer up for sale and try and get them sold and out of the house. Selling them was on the plans anyway.
I will pull from savings, keep a tight budget, scramble to be practical and thrifty and get through this.
A bit of work and this new ride will take me out of town, just running the roads to escape, to enjoy and to be me, like the smaller bikes here in town but have missed the bigger bike.
I didn't think, after the accident I would ever get back to where a road bike was possible but I am to that place, healed, gained back far more of ME than I ever thought I could, know I am not the woman I was before that damn car accident, but I am far better, stronger than I was a year ago and far harder and tougher than I was before the accident.
But, my life is also far more about me and what I want and were I want to go with that life, more self centered and more selfish, and I am ok with that.
So, I will shuffle, and push the funds, will whine and grouse but all in all, I will get through it and be ok with where I am taking my life and with who I am.
Today is a bit of a down day, but it won't last long, did get part of the do list done, will not sweat the stuff that did not get done, know I manage my life so it works out, and pull through the messes, get things back on track and working.
Jake will get his jeep out of the shop and quit running my truck, I will get the laundry done, the dog fed, the Passport sold, the new bike licensed and running and I will enjoy the summer.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
finding a way to deal with what I can't change
So, I find myself buying or looking at buying things that I don't need and that the budget really should not stretch for, so I need to think out the issues and problems in my life and deal with them, so need to list them and start sorting out what can be done, what needs changed and what I need to find ways to adjust to.
I want to be happy with my life and with who I am so now need to sort out why that is not where I am in my small world and my head.
So, now I have to face some things that I have been trying to hide from, and ya, I do have a few ideas of what those things are so guess it's not that hard to know where to start.
I don't have someone to talk things out with, and I don't have a close friend or partner in life, and I don't have a good relationship with the man I date, I just have a 'get by' one.
Work has some issues but I know they are not at the heart of my real problems and they are not the WHY I am buying myself stuff that is not on the budget. I will work out the work issues, some will resolve themselves if I just let them and ya, I am smart enough to do that.
So, Maggie, deal with what you can, find the ways to accept what you cannot or will not change and get the budget back on track, be happy with all the goodies, toys, dolls I have,
I want to be happy with my life and with who I am so now need to sort out why that is not where I am in my small world and my head.
So, now I have to face some things that I have been trying to hide from, and ya, I do have a few ideas of what those things are so guess it's not that hard to know where to start.
I don't have someone to talk things out with, and I don't have a close friend or partner in life, and I don't have a good relationship with the man I date, I just have a 'get by' one.
Work has some issues but I know they are not at the heart of my real problems and they are not the WHY I am buying myself stuff that is not on the budget. I will work out the work issues, some will resolve themselves if I just let them and ya, I am smart enough to do that.
So, Maggie, deal with what you can, find the ways to accept what you cannot or will not change and get the budget back on track, be happy with all the goodies, toys, dolls I have,
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