I do not like chasing dogs, or being drug around by a large dog when trying to walk him and I don't like being woke up several times a night by a whining dog, who does not really need out to pee but does want my company.
I do understand it's how his head works, it's his genetics and his raising and his breeding that is a huge part of my problems with the dog and with my growing depression here. I can't change most of the problems, I cannot fix most of the problems and it's getting harder to live with the problems.
The shelters are overrun with dogs they cannot find placements for, and underfunded for their current dogs, so don't tell me to find a shelter that will take him. And calls to local vets either go no response when I left messages or outright refusal to put this dog to sleep, he does not have enough health problems for them to consider it acceptable. They refuse to accept that his aggressive personality, his weight, and strength create a safety problem for me and for others IF/When he is not confined. And they refuse to consider that I might actually be trying to make the best choices for both this dog, who has never lived with anyone except me and my sons, and does not adapt or adjust easily and for me, who with some physical disabilities and aging issues, needs less problems and less trip hazards and less stress in her life.
This is not a situation that a simple pill will fix, the solution is doing something permanent and that is mentally acceptable to me with this dog. I can't just dump him out somewhere, I can't take a gun and shoot him, and I can't keep dealing with the dog.
That son that has to have dogs, that will not help teach a dog good social behaviors, that will not accept house rules for dogs is now far off in another state, which is some help, if only that he no longer comes through and encourages wild and behavior, crazy and unhappy dog problems and leaves behind the mess. But it also means I cannot dump his problem dog back into his life and his living space. It's a mess, the dog is a continual shedding, whining, unhappy dog that deeply wants to be velcro attached to a significant human and I just am not willing and cannot be that human.
My holidays away have not helped, first I was gone in August to Michigan for a fiber festival, several nights away with a friend doing pet care, and then again in September for a scooter rally, both had me 3-4 nights away and the friend coming by to care for the dog. He hates being alone, he hates not having a significant human close at hand, 24/7.
I have a full-time job and have to work to support that dog, myself, my bills and I am going to have a life and do some of the things that I enjoy, including trips that have me not home for several days at a time. And a dog whining off and on all night does not allow me to get my very needed sleep. He will not change and I am at the end of being able to cope, and I will not lose my stability and let issues with a dog whose problems I did not create cause me to be so damn miserable and depressed as I have been this past week.
It's time to buck up and face the fact that I cannot and will not continue to live with this dog.
Sunday, October 6, 2019
Saturday, July 6, 2019
20 years ago and more
We buried my mother just a few short days before what would have been, should have been, her 63rd birthday. Now, 20+ years later, it’s my 63rd birthday and I think back to my mother, who gave birth to me but didn’t do much of the raising of me. That was done by her mother and her father, for a lot of reasons, some of them very good.
But today I think of who she was, of what we never had, of those conversations we never had, of all we, for our own reasons, never managed to build a bridge across. And I think of the person I have become in these past 20 years and all the times I wished I could share something with her, my dreams for this old house, my fears after the accident, my joy in the rides I take on my bikes. The pride I take in having and keeping a job and of building a good credit rating.
I try to take better care of my health and my finances than what I saw in my mother and her choices, and I look at her life, as I saw it, what I saw it and try to make wiser choices. But I wish we had been closer, that I had been able or willing to ask her some of the questions that I will never have any answers to.
Today I am doing some things that need done, like laundry and some things that give me pride, like being able to sit on the landing at the top of the stairs to my attic studio/retreat with coffee, knitting, a book, and my iPad, all of which I have because of my own hard work, my pushing hard to return to work after a really bad vehicle accident.
And as it’s Saturday, the bills that needed paid are paid and I have a grocery list, I will be taking that vintage scooter to do the shopping, and my purchases will be coming home in a market bag that I knit myself with my own pattern and designing. A few other things on that list of what gets done this weekend, but done at my pace and as it suits me.
And today I miss being able to call my mom, to probably prank her on the phone, cuz I usually did, on or near my birthday and hers. And I wish I knew if she was ever proud of the person I was or would be proud of who I am now.
But today I think of who she was, of what we never had, of those conversations we never had, of all we, for our own reasons, never managed to build a bridge across. And I think of the person I have become in these past 20 years and all the times I wished I could share something with her, my dreams for this old house, my fears after the accident, my joy in the rides I take on my bikes. The pride I take in having and keeping a job and of building a good credit rating.
I try to take better care of my health and my finances than what I saw in my mother and her choices, and I look at her life, as I saw it, what I saw it and try to make wiser choices. But I wish we had been closer, that I had been able or willing to ask her some of the questions that I will never have any answers to.
Today I am doing some things that need done, like laundry and some things that give me pride, like being able to sit on the landing at the top of the stairs to my attic studio/retreat with coffee, knitting, a book, and my iPad, all of which I have because of my own hard work, my pushing hard to return to work after a really bad vehicle accident.
And as it’s Saturday, the bills that needed paid are paid and I have a grocery list, I will be taking that vintage scooter to do the shopping, and my purchases will be coming home in a market bag that I knit myself with my own pattern and designing. A few other things on that list of what gets done this weekend, but done at my pace and as it suits me.
And today I miss being able to call my mom, to probably prank her on the phone, cuz I usually did, on or near my birthday and hers. And I wish I knew if she was ever proud of the person I was or would be proud of who I am now.
Sunday, June 2, 2019
dreams or nightmares, sometimes they blend together
And dealing with some of my family and their problems/issues drags me into restless activity, nightmares instead of quality sleep and being careless with my credit. And a lot of talking to myself, the dog, parrots, the dolls, the knitting, the walls. . . that sort of head balancing stuff.
The fact is my grandparents did the best they could to raise 3 grandkids and did better than our mother would have done and far better than our father was capable of doing. Yes, they made some really stupid things, but not out of malice or wanting me or any of us to have problems with life.
But it's my life, once I left home, it became my responsibility to live, to make choices, to work out the problems with my decisions and some times to figure out why I made some of the decisions I was making that were not good, healthy or smart choices so that I could do a better job with those choices and with the direction they took my walk in life.
I tried to do the best I could with raising my kids, it's not an easy job some times but I wanted to give them better guidance than I got, better able to know the doors were there and they could work towards and for anything they wanted their lives to be. As they grew and as I saw choices they made were not good for a long term direction or life, I tried to tell or help them see why that was not a good choice.
I want all my children and their children to have lives they like, to make decisions they are ok with living with, and to accept the results of those choices or do the work to change things if it does not work.
Right now my oldest granddaughter seems to have a huge mess in her life, and she's actually the one who has the most responsibility for that mess, her actions or lack of has caused the heartache and misery that she is now dealing with. I want to jump in and do what I can to 'fix' things for her, to help her out but I know that I would be just as well off to take money out of the bank and set it on fire.
And I know that some of my adding to credit debt with things I don't need is my subconscious way of having my finances so I can't afford to help her out in much of any way financially. It did take me some time to sort that out, but it's my way of avoiding rather than facing things.
My daughter told me more than once that I was not willing to just tell her 'no' but I avoided or put off or went around and she was right. Telling her 'no' usually ended up with her throwing raving temper tantrums, hounding and harassing me and saying and doing all she could to make me miserable. And this sort of reaction to being told no was why I found ways to not have to say that word to her. She would cry and scream and yell until she was sick and throwing up, and it worked well, I gave in and gave in and I walked around her jealousy and bad temper and gave in to her over and over. No, we did not have a healthy relationship and we have both paid a high price for that.
Now, I'm working on a healthy life and being mentally healthy too and that does mean keeping my finances in manageable condition, my bills paid on time, food in my house and gas in my vehicles and all that stuff.
I have worked hard for this life here and to like who I am, to have some financial stability and good credit and I am not going to be drilling holes in my own boat, not for anyone and not to hide from anyone. I will put up that wall, move my heart into that 'magic bubble' I mentally created when I was a child and needed a safe place.
And I will accept that it's not my job to fix this mess.
The fact is my grandparents did the best they could to raise 3 grandkids and did better than our mother would have done and far better than our father was capable of doing. Yes, they made some really stupid things, but not out of malice or wanting me or any of us to have problems with life.
But it's my life, once I left home, it became my responsibility to live, to make choices, to work out the problems with my decisions and some times to figure out why I made some of the decisions I was making that were not good, healthy or smart choices so that I could do a better job with those choices and with the direction they took my walk in life.
I tried to do the best I could with raising my kids, it's not an easy job some times but I wanted to give them better guidance than I got, better able to know the doors were there and they could work towards and for anything they wanted their lives to be. As they grew and as I saw choices they made were not good for a long term direction or life, I tried to tell or help them see why that was not a good choice.
I want all my children and their children to have lives they like, to make decisions they are ok with living with, and to accept the results of those choices or do the work to change things if it does not work.
Right now my oldest granddaughter seems to have a huge mess in her life, and she's actually the one who has the most responsibility for that mess, her actions or lack of has caused the heartache and misery that she is now dealing with. I want to jump in and do what I can to 'fix' things for her, to help her out but I know that I would be just as well off to take money out of the bank and set it on fire.
And I know that some of my adding to credit debt with things I don't need is my subconscious way of having my finances so I can't afford to help her out in much of any way financially. It did take me some time to sort that out, but it's my way of avoiding rather than facing things.
My daughter told me more than once that I was not willing to just tell her 'no' but I avoided or put off or went around and she was right. Telling her 'no' usually ended up with her throwing raving temper tantrums, hounding and harassing me and saying and doing all she could to make me miserable. And this sort of reaction to being told no was why I found ways to not have to say that word to her. She would cry and scream and yell until she was sick and throwing up, and it worked well, I gave in and gave in and I walked around her jealousy and bad temper and gave in to her over and over. No, we did not have a healthy relationship and we have both paid a high price for that.
Now, I'm working on a healthy life and being mentally healthy too and that does mean keeping my finances in manageable condition, my bills paid on time, food in my house and gas in my vehicles and all that stuff.
I have worked hard for this life here and to like who I am, to have some financial stability and good credit and I am not going to be drilling holes in my own boat, not for anyone and not to hide from anyone. I will put up that wall, move my heart into that 'magic bubble' I mentally created when I was a child and needed a safe place.
And I will accept that it's not my job to fix this mess.
Monday, April 22, 2019
That raffle scooter
Last year’s Missouri Loves Company raffle scooter is now my Alta Dulce (sugar high) and I’m getting more confident with riding this shifty, vintage treasure. And I’m investing some of that $ I earn at that pork plant on ‘stuff’ for this scooter, the correct tail light, the needed center stand, the missing back bumper, the correct rear view mirrors.
A very unexpected treasure that I appreciate and am working to learn wha needs done to take good care of and to ride and enjoy this vintage Vespa scooter that I now own. And yes, I am still grinning big.
My life has had a lot of ups and downs, and I’ve worked hard to dig myself out of not only the results of my stupid/poor/impulsive choices and decisions but those others caused or brought into my life. Right now I can say my life is working well, and I work hard at making that life good and at appreciating my life, every day and knowing the rough or hard spots are something I can overcome.
I waste money on stuff I don’t need but it’s also my money and bills get paid on time, I keep doing the stuff that needs done, my credit is ok, well, actually it’s better than ok. And most of the time I’m content and occasionally even bouncing happy.
Right now I get a bit pouty about being outbid on a doll I don’t need that’s up for sale on EBay, and if I don’t get the doll, my life will be ok, and if I do, that $ I could have used more wisely but again, it’s my earnings and my children are all grown adults and none of them are dependent on me for the roof over their heads, the clothing they wear or the food they eat.
There are some empty spots in my life, and I am very single and live a solitary life in many ways, but it’s working for me. It’s not how I thought I would be living many years ago when I thought about my ‘old age’ but it’s now just what works for me and I will not be changing that.
It is really ok to be single, to not date, to spend my $ as I want/need and to be content and at peace with the person I have grown into. And it’s ok if I pout about loosing out on an auction or get excited over winning a vintage Vespa scooter.
A very unexpected treasure that I appreciate and am working to learn wha needs done to take good care of and to ride and enjoy this vintage Vespa scooter that I now own. And yes, I am still grinning big.
My life has had a lot of ups and downs, and I’ve worked hard to dig myself out of not only the results of my stupid/poor/impulsive choices and decisions but those others caused or brought into my life. Right now I can say my life is working well, and I work hard at making that life good and at appreciating my life, every day and knowing the rough or hard spots are something I can overcome.
I waste money on stuff I don’t need but it’s also my money and bills get paid on time, I keep doing the stuff that needs done, my credit is ok, well, actually it’s better than ok. And most of the time I’m content and occasionally even bouncing happy.
Right now I get a bit pouty about being outbid on a doll I don’t need that’s up for sale on EBay, and if I don’t get the doll, my life will be ok, and if I do, that $ I could have used more wisely but again, it’s my earnings and my children are all grown adults and none of them are dependent on me for the roof over their heads, the clothing they wear or the food they eat.
There are some empty spots in my life, and I am very single and live a solitary life in many ways, but it’s working for me. It’s not how I thought I would be living many years ago when I thought about my ‘old age’ but it’s now just what works for me and I will not be changing that.
It is really ok to be single, to not date, to spend my $ as I want/need and to be content and at peace with the person I have grown into. And it’s ok if I pout about loosing out on an auction or get excited over winning a vintage Vespa scooter.
Sunday, August 12, 2018
Time and changes
Well, I managed to completely delete everything I had thought I saved before chasing down more coffee last night. I guess that was because I needed to put more though and reflection on what I had written.
I am very glad to be going to Michigan Fiber Festival, I went 12 years ago, took my oldest grandchild, unplanned but family problems and some separation and possible cooling down time was a good idea. I don't know that it helped, but I know I made the right choices then, and I keep working on making them now.
This trip I am going alone, unless you count a small doll as company, I plan to have some fun with photo shoots with the doll. I also have a very small tent, will camp a bit 'rough' and have 4 nights, 3 classes and am so very excited about going. But it's over 375 miles each way, a long and not fun drive, and no, there is no way I can take the weaving equipment, which I need for 1 of the classes I am taking and take the GTS. I put a lot of thought into how I could manage that and no, there just is no way...scoots store and the drive is manageable, but will be Boring.
I am not involved with my first born child and have very limited contact with her children, a choice of distance and knowing that at 1 time it was better for them, less conflict and less problems of head messing by their mother, now it's they are grown or almost grown and leading their own lives. And the younger 3, whose dad and his family have done a great job of of parenting and supporting and of being good role models, are doing well, 2 off in college, the youngest will be heading that way soon. Young adults who are making a lot of very good choices with their lives and who they associate with, where they go and what they do.
I can't say the same for that oldest grand child, but I will say that it is her life and her choices, she is the one who is living them and either can find ways to make them work or understand that 'help' always comes with strings, some of those strings are acceptable and workable, some are not and it's up to an individual to make that decision.
I have not been a good example always, I was not raised with some good examples on some issues/things/behaviors and I was raised to think I was not capable of getting and keeping a job, of managing money, of making good, intelligent choices. It's nice that I did prove my grandmother wrong on my mental abilities, it came a little late, and I am glad my mother realized and understood that she did her share to contribute to my failing to believe in myself, and in my own rights to live my life by my own choices.
I know I was too young and not ready when I had my first child, and it was a 'choice' I was pressured into making, oh, not an accidental conception, that was deliberate, it's that I was not wanting to start a family so young, I knew I was not ready for that, I was married but I wanted college and even had been saving up for that.
But I gave in to pressure, and I felt I didn't have a right to stand up for what I wanted, I thought that was selfish and bad, so I gave in. and I continued to give in on so many things for so many years, just be a door mat, just try to conform, just do what he wanted.
Now, I am living my life, my choices, it's my job and my paycheck and my house and I am very independent and very single and most of the time at peace with who I am and what I am doing. I know now that not only can I NOT fix other people's lives, choices, problems but I am also Not Responsible for their decisions and I don't have to try and fix it, I do not have to sacrifice for them and I don't have to feel guilty for my choice and living my life for me.
I do care about all those children, 4 of them, that I gave birth to, and did my best to parent, and I do accept they do not all see or understand that. I hope they have lives that work for them and are doing well, but I also know they are all adults, wow, the oldest turns 44 this Thanksgiving season and the youngest is already 29. And I just double checked the math on that, time has gotten away from me.
Go fly, spread your wings, become what you need to become, ask if you need my help but do not slam me because I am also human and was not a perfect parent. You can walk away, you can disown me, you can tell the world I was a failure or accuse me of abuse or of allowing it to happen. It is your life and your choices and you live it, if those feelings, attitudes, lies make your life better, fine. If they are why you use as excuses for why you are who you are or why you have screwed up your own life, well, that's actually not going to cause any damage in my life and I no longer let your words and actions cause me damage. I've grown too and I've learned what strings to let go, which ones to cut.
My life works and is a good life because I work to make it that. and it is very much My life.
I am very glad to be going to Michigan Fiber Festival, I went 12 years ago, took my oldest grandchild, unplanned but family problems and some separation and possible cooling down time was a good idea. I don't know that it helped, but I know I made the right choices then, and I keep working on making them now.
This trip I am going alone, unless you count a small doll as company, I plan to have some fun with photo shoots with the doll. I also have a very small tent, will camp a bit 'rough' and have 4 nights, 3 classes and am so very excited about going. But it's over 375 miles each way, a long and not fun drive, and no, there is no way I can take the weaving equipment, which I need for 1 of the classes I am taking and take the GTS. I put a lot of thought into how I could manage that and no, there just is no way...scoots store and the drive is manageable, but will be Boring.
I am not involved with my first born child and have very limited contact with her children, a choice of distance and knowing that at 1 time it was better for them, less conflict and less problems of head messing by their mother, now it's they are grown or almost grown and leading their own lives. And the younger 3, whose dad and his family have done a great job of of parenting and supporting and of being good role models, are doing well, 2 off in college, the youngest will be heading that way soon. Young adults who are making a lot of very good choices with their lives and who they associate with, where they go and what they do.
I can't say the same for that oldest grand child, but I will say that it is her life and her choices, she is the one who is living them and either can find ways to make them work or understand that 'help' always comes with strings, some of those strings are acceptable and workable, some are not and it's up to an individual to make that decision.
I have not been a good example always, I was not raised with some good examples on some issues/things/behaviors and I was raised to think I was not capable of getting and keeping a job, of managing money, of making good, intelligent choices. It's nice that I did prove my grandmother wrong on my mental abilities, it came a little late, and I am glad my mother realized and understood that she did her share to contribute to my failing to believe in myself, and in my own rights to live my life by my own choices.
I know I was too young and not ready when I had my first child, and it was a 'choice' I was pressured into making, oh, not an accidental conception, that was deliberate, it's that I was not wanting to start a family so young, I knew I was not ready for that, I was married but I wanted college and even had been saving up for that.
But I gave in to pressure, and I felt I didn't have a right to stand up for what I wanted, I thought that was selfish and bad, so I gave in. and I continued to give in on so many things for so many years, just be a door mat, just try to conform, just do what he wanted.
Now, I am living my life, my choices, it's my job and my paycheck and my house and I am very independent and very single and most of the time at peace with who I am and what I am doing. I know now that not only can I NOT fix other people's lives, choices, problems but I am also Not Responsible for their decisions and I don't have to try and fix it, I do not have to sacrifice for them and I don't have to feel guilty for my choice and living my life for me.
I do care about all those children, 4 of them, that I gave birth to, and did my best to parent, and I do accept they do not all see or understand that. I hope they have lives that work for them and are doing well, but I also know they are all adults, wow, the oldest turns 44 this Thanksgiving season and the youngest is already 29. And I just double checked the math on that, time has gotten away from me.
Go fly, spread your wings, become what you need to become, ask if you need my help but do not slam me because I am also human and was not a perfect parent. You can walk away, you can disown me, you can tell the world I was a failure or accuse me of abuse or of allowing it to happen. It is your life and your choices and you live it, if those feelings, attitudes, lies make your life better, fine. If they are why you use as excuses for why you are who you are or why you have screwed up your own life, well, that's actually not going to cause any damage in my life and I no longer let your words and actions cause me damage. I've grown too and I've learned what strings to let go, which ones to cut.
My life works and is a good life because I work to make it that. and it is very much My life.
Saturday, July 28, 2018
Hurting heart and tiny empty spaces
Today I lost 1 of my sun conures, Sunny, to old age. The 3 all came to me as babies, Blue and Sunny were still needing hand fed, Feliz was the 1 I had to wait for an egg to hatch and the baby to make it past the 1st week. So, they grew up in my home and have always been 'my kids'. But they are old kids, all are over 18 years old now, that's very old for a Sun Conure, and pretty aged for a Quaker Parrot.
I found him crumpled up on the cage floor, early this morning, I did wrap him in a clean cloth napkin and got a tiny bit of water in him, and knew he was not hurt or sick, but just dying, old age and no young berries for parrots or people. He was comfortable, knew he was loved and died quietly, peacefully and now I grieve and wish I had got him more cinnamon graham crackers, and more Sunny Delight, his favorite food and drink.
For more than 18 years these 3 parrots have shared my life and home, they have been my companions through relationships failing, through jobs ending, moved with me 4 times and have coped with this old house and on-going renovations for 13+ years now. Most of their lives has been lived in this renovation nightmare, and they have been the why some days work did get done and why I worked hard to get back to work after that damn accident. Quality parrot food is not cheap, these are not cheap kids, their toys are not cheap and they have a rather pricey cage to live and play in.
For me, they have been the only constant living beings in my life, I have never lived with any human as long as I have these parrots, not with my birth parents, not with my grandparents, none of my kids and I lived together, continuously, for so long. And I sure have not been able to make any relationship last with any man anywhere close to as long as the Feathered kids and I have been a family. So, ya, it really hurts to loose this small, loud, food throwing child, who grew old while I kept them the kids in my mind.
I know he had a good parrot life with me, know he was a content parrot and will be missed by his cage mates and by me. And I am working on accepting that Feliz is almost the same age, there might be 2 months difference in their ages but not much more than that. I expect to outlive my parrots, which is far easier on them than if they outlived me but I'm sad an hurting.
Right now I want to believe, like a small child, that they have souls and Sunny is now flitting around all the awesome beauty of a very natural heaven, not buildings and streets of gold, but trees and fruits and a safe world where he can fly free, where there are people he can go bug and steal sips of Sunny Delight from, and get to rob popcorn and shredded wheat from. I don't want a heaven that doesn't have loud and happy parrots flitting about. And I don't want to think about living in a house that has no parrots or only 1 sad and lonely old parrot.
But Blue and Feliz will probably be my last parrots, and Shadow might be my last dog, it's very hard on pets when the owner dies and no one is there to want them and take them. And that is the reality of my life and my world. They have me and I have them and I know that's just where it is. Ben's still living here in Beardstown but has his own life and I rarely see him. He's not going to take my dog or parrots, and I will be lucky if he pet sits for my vacation.
My rather solitary and single life really does work for me, and I like it, but today, loosing Sunny, I know the drawbacks, there is no one to comfort me, and there are a very few people I would even accept any comfort from, 1 is in Mexico, and Ben is busy doing that living his life stuff... ya, very short list.
So, I did the laundry and it's dry, folded and in the house, and I buried my much loved Sunny, under the south kitchen window, and I cleaned the bird cage tray, which needed done today and I cleaned the floor below the cage, another chore that was on today's list. And I've hid in the studio, and worked on tweaking a doll pattern for a doll. And I've cried, time and time again, and I will do more of that crying, but I know Sunny didn't suffer, his death was a natural process of life, and hes buried without a box or wrap, so that his body returns to the earth, not from where he was born but this sandy little town where we have spent most of his life.
And I will heal, and miss him and know that Feliz will probably be leaving me before I retire from the plant, Quakers are longer lived, but Blue has never been the only parrot, I don't know how he will adjust if/when that happens. Another hill in life I will have to climb when I get there.
I don't live the life that many I work with do, and I'm ok with that, I live the life that works for me, and I know right now I am shutting people out, both in the real world and in cyber land, but I grieve alone, I tuck into my space/home/thoughts and mourn alone, and that's been how I've done it all my life, from small losses as a child to the big ones, I pull into myself and grieve and mourn alone. There is no sharing my pain, it's not an apple or an orange you can take and cut into pieces, it's a hurt inside that I just have to deal with, and think on and sort out and find a balance and acceptance of what I cannot change.
There are so many people whose lives are not as comfortable as mine is, as financially stable as mine is, or as mine can be, it is still an old house needing work but it's a warm house in the winter, and cool enough to be comfortable, for us, anyways, in the summer and there is always food, in fact these parrots have always had expensive parrot pellets that are healthy and abundant, Mom makes sure of that and good water and even a water dish big enough to bath in. We have a stable, safe and secure little world here in this old river town and this old house. I've worked to provide that, for myself, my pets, my sons, and am glad I have been able to.
This afternoon is a bit easier than this morning was, and I know tomorrow will be a little easier but I do understand why people with emotional problems and mental issues often cut themselves, there's that part of me that thinks if I can give myself physical pain, it might lessen the emotional pain that Sunny's dying has given me. I know it will not, and I am not going to deliberately hurt myself, if I even stub a toe, it will be an accident. But, today, I really do 'get it' as to why people start doing that.
I will stick with playing with my dolls and my knitting, it works for me and I know that no physical pain will ease the grief that Sunny dying has caused, not his fault, just part of caring for anything, especially anything living.
I found him crumpled up on the cage floor, early this morning, I did wrap him in a clean cloth napkin and got a tiny bit of water in him, and knew he was not hurt or sick, but just dying, old age and no young berries for parrots or people. He was comfortable, knew he was loved and died quietly, peacefully and now I grieve and wish I had got him more cinnamon graham crackers, and more Sunny Delight, his favorite food and drink.
For more than 18 years these 3 parrots have shared my life and home, they have been my companions through relationships failing, through jobs ending, moved with me 4 times and have coped with this old house and on-going renovations for 13+ years now. Most of their lives has been lived in this renovation nightmare, and they have been the why some days work did get done and why I worked hard to get back to work after that damn accident. Quality parrot food is not cheap, these are not cheap kids, their toys are not cheap and they have a rather pricey cage to live and play in.
For me, they have been the only constant living beings in my life, I have never lived with any human as long as I have these parrots, not with my birth parents, not with my grandparents, none of my kids and I lived together, continuously, for so long. And I sure have not been able to make any relationship last with any man anywhere close to as long as the Feathered kids and I have been a family. So, ya, it really hurts to loose this small, loud, food throwing child, who grew old while I kept them the kids in my mind.
I know he had a good parrot life with me, know he was a content parrot and will be missed by his cage mates and by me. And I am working on accepting that Feliz is almost the same age, there might be 2 months difference in their ages but not much more than that. I expect to outlive my parrots, which is far easier on them than if they outlived me but I'm sad an hurting.
Right now I want to believe, like a small child, that they have souls and Sunny is now flitting around all the awesome beauty of a very natural heaven, not buildings and streets of gold, but trees and fruits and a safe world where he can fly free, where there are people he can go bug and steal sips of Sunny Delight from, and get to rob popcorn and shredded wheat from. I don't want a heaven that doesn't have loud and happy parrots flitting about. And I don't want to think about living in a house that has no parrots or only 1 sad and lonely old parrot.
But Blue and Feliz will probably be my last parrots, and Shadow might be my last dog, it's very hard on pets when the owner dies and no one is there to want them and take them. And that is the reality of my life and my world. They have me and I have them and I know that's just where it is. Ben's still living here in Beardstown but has his own life and I rarely see him. He's not going to take my dog or parrots, and I will be lucky if he pet sits for my vacation.
My rather solitary and single life really does work for me, and I like it, but today, loosing Sunny, I know the drawbacks, there is no one to comfort me, and there are a very few people I would even accept any comfort from, 1 is in Mexico, and Ben is busy doing that living his life stuff... ya, very short list.
So, I did the laundry and it's dry, folded and in the house, and I buried my much loved Sunny, under the south kitchen window, and I cleaned the bird cage tray, which needed done today and I cleaned the floor below the cage, another chore that was on today's list. And I've hid in the studio, and worked on tweaking a doll pattern for a doll. And I've cried, time and time again, and I will do more of that crying, but I know Sunny didn't suffer, his death was a natural process of life, and hes buried without a box or wrap, so that his body returns to the earth, not from where he was born but this sandy little town where we have spent most of his life.
And I will heal, and miss him and know that Feliz will probably be leaving me before I retire from the plant, Quakers are longer lived, but Blue has never been the only parrot, I don't know how he will adjust if/when that happens. Another hill in life I will have to climb when I get there.
I don't live the life that many I work with do, and I'm ok with that, I live the life that works for me, and I know right now I am shutting people out, both in the real world and in cyber land, but I grieve alone, I tuck into my space/home/thoughts and mourn alone, and that's been how I've done it all my life, from small losses as a child to the big ones, I pull into myself and grieve and mourn alone. There is no sharing my pain, it's not an apple or an orange you can take and cut into pieces, it's a hurt inside that I just have to deal with, and think on and sort out and find a balance and acceptance of what I cannot change.
There are so many people whose lives are not as comfortable as mine is, as financially stable as mine is, or as mine can be, it is still an old house needing work but it's a warm house in the winter, and cool enough to be comfortable, for us, anyways, in the summer and there is always food, in fact these parrots have always had expensive parrot pellets that are healthy and abundant, Mom makes sure of that and good water and even a water dish big enough to bath in. We have a stable, safe and secure little world here in this old river town and this old house. I've worked to provide that, for myself, my pets, my sons, and am glad I have been able to.
This afternoon is a bit easier than this morning was, and I know tomorrow will be a little easier but I do understand why people with emotional problems and mental issues often cut themselves, there's that part of me that thinks if I can give myself physical pain, it might lessen the emotional pain that Sunny's dying has given me. I know it will not, and I am not going to deliberately hurt myself, if I even stub a toe, it will be an accident. But, today, I really do 'get it' as to why people start doing that.
I will stick with playing with my dolls and my knitting, it works for me and I know that no physical pain will ease the grief that Sunny dying has caused, not his fault, just part of caring for anything, especially anything living.
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Dealing with life and other humans
Most of the time I think my life is ok, that I have managed to achieve a good balance and most importantly, peace of mind and like who I am and how I live my life. I made a job change in plant and that has been positive. Less stress, less physically taxing and I work with 3 really great women.
I am finally living alone, except for parrots and Shadow, which works well. I still have a lot of work here on this old house that needs done and a lot of putting my stuff in order, getting rid of a few things and making my spaces work for me, and making my sewing studio more orderly and usable.
Finances get really tight but I know that is my problem and I can resolve it and I do, not always as fast as I would like but at least it's my problem and not caused by someone else. I have had plenty of that in the past and am very glad to not have some man sucking me dry, either financially or emotionally.
I still procrastinate too many things and I am working on some of that, and on getting more tidy, in my bedroom and the kitchen mainly, at least for now. And I still do not like conflict or dealing with people issues.
Single and no romantic, emotional involvements with any man works for me, and despite the pushing I feel from a guy I once was intimate with, I am NOT going down that road. How he feels, or says he feels is not my problem and is not going to manipulate my personal time and what I do with my life, or how I feel about anyone.
There is nothing wrong with me staying single, with me not having a love interest and with me wanting my time off work for my living, and for what I want to do and what I need to do. I am not willing to make any efforts to have much of a relationship with a man, they just are not that necessary in my life. And I sure do not want 1 in my bed or mauling my body. I just do not need or want that and I do not have to subject myself to it.
I did sell the much loved Rebel but also bought a used Vespa GTS that will work far better for me in the long run, and that is part of the financial bind I have put myself in, cost of plates, title and additional insurance costs. The LXV got a new tire, another financial ouch, and the rides both had oil changes and the GTS also got brake fluid changed, hub oil changed and since it has liquid cooled, that fluid also was changed. Add in the parts costs for a USB outlet in the glove box so I can charge my cell phone, ya, I managed to really make my savings dwindle and my grocery budget non-existent, at least for right now.
But I have vacation coming soon and am going to Michigan Fiber Festival and going Alone! No, I am not taking that guy pal, although he wants to go and we have discussed it, but that was before his pace maker was replaced, with some surgical issues, like very low blood pressure, so low they could not safely put him under to do the surgery and that the weather and heat/humidity can be very high up in Allegan Michigan during August, there is very limited shelter for people with health issues up at those county fair grounds and I have NO desire to spend any of my very long planned for vacation and classes at the Fiber Festival complicated by someone else's health issue and I do not want to worry about them or have to deal with anyone for the amount of time I will be gone.
Jake has moved back to Colorado, first he helped his dad, Sam, move back there and then moved himself, and I hope life there works for him, and he finds his direction and is happy. I know I don't have the answers for him and I love my youngest son, but he adds stress and complications to my world and helps Shadow be a problem dog. Not what that dog needs, not what I need and Jake does not want a long term life here in central Illinois.
I did Ancestry DNA test and have been chasing down those 'dead bodies' to fill in that family tree stuff, and have found a lot of good and solid people on my father's side. Growing up and hearing nothing but negative things about that man and his family, it has been good for my 'head' to find some really good people were his ancestors, people every bit as worthwhile as Grandma's Littlefield line.
And I am finding my Grandpa Noel's family, and so many, many ancestors. I have Dutch Reformation, Quakers, Mennonites, Baptists, Methodists, Catholics and that list of church and religious affiliations will probably grow. I have now 4 different people at least, that served in the Revolutionary War, and some immigrants. Of course, all my ancestors came from some immigrants, I don't think there is any Native Americans in my tree, but it seems a lot of my DNA got here before this nation was founded and that has surprised me. I knew Littlefields came here in 1638, but I had expected to find that more ancestors came here after that little war of Independence.
And it's time to shut things down, get some stuff ready for the morning and back to work, I am not going to let that silly old man's anything make waves in my pond, he is not my entertainment job, and he's not going to become my child to take care of, or gain any of what he wants out of me. I just do not like his campground where he now has his camper, I don't want to watch tv at his house, hell, I don't want to watch tv, I am not wanting to have him keep me company on my vacation time and I don't want to chat on line with him any amount...got stuff I would rather be doing.
I am finally living alone, except for parrots and Shadow, which works well. I still have a lot of work here on this old house that needs done and a lot of putting my stuff in order, getting rid of a few things and making my spaces work for me, and making my sewing studio more orderly and usable.
Finances get really tight but I know that is my problem and I can resolve it and I do, not always as fast as I would like but at least it's my problem and not caused by someone else. I have had plenty of that in the past and am very glad to not have some man sucking me dry, either financially or emotionally.
I still procrastinate too many things and I am working on some of that, and on getting more tidy, in my bedroom and the kitchen mainly, at least for now. And I still do not like conflict or dealing with people issues.
Single and no romantic, emotional involvements with any man works for me, and despite the pushing I feel from a guy I once was intimate with, I am NOT going down that road. How he feels, or says he feels is not my problem and is not going to manipulate my personal time and what I do with my life, or how I feel about anyone.
There is nothing wrong with me staying single, with me not having a love interest and with me wanting my time off work for my living, and for what I want to do and what I need to do. I am not willing to make any efforts to have much of a relationship with a man, they just are not that necessary in my life. And I sure do not want 1 in my bed or mauling my body. I just do not need or want that and I do not have to subject myself to it.
I did sell the much loved Rebel but also bought a used Vespa GTS that will work far better for me in the long run, and that is part of the financial bind I have put myself in, cost of plates, title and additional insurance costs. The LXV got a new tire, another financial ouch, and the rides both had oil changes and the GTS also got brake fluid changed, hub oil changed and since it has liquid cooled, that fluid also was changed. Add in the parts costs for a USB outlet in the glove box so I can charge my cell phone, ya, I managed to really make my savings dwindle and my grocery budget non-existent, at least for right now.
But I have vacation coming soon and am going to Michigan Fiber Festival and going Alone! No, I am not taking that guy pal, although he wants to go and we have discussed it, but that was before his pace maker was replaced, with some surgical issues, like very low blood pressure, so low they could not safely put him under to do the surgery and that the weather and heat/humidity can be very high up in Allegan Michigan during August, there is very limited shelter for people with health issues up at those county fair grounds and I have NO desire to spend any of my very long planned for vacation and classes at the Fiber Festival complicated by someone else's health issue and I do not want to worry about them or have to deal with anyone for the amount of time I will be gone.
Jake has moved back to Colorado, first he helped his dad, Sam, move back there and then moved himself, and I hope life there works for him, and he finds his direction and is happy. I know I don't have the answers for him and I love my youngest son, but he adds stress and complications to my world and helps Shadow be a problem dog. Not what that dog needs, not what I need and Jake does not want a long term life here in central Illinois.
I did Ancestry DNA test and have been chasing down those 'dead bodies' to fill in that family tree stuff, and have found a lot of good and solid people on my father's side. Growing up and hearing nothing but negative things about that man and his family, it has been good for my 'head' to find some really good people were his ancestors, people every bit as worthwhile as Grandma's Littlefield line.
And I am finding my Grandpa Noel's family, and so many, many ancestors. I have Dutch Reformation, Quakers, Mennonites, Baptists, Methodists, Catholics and that list of church and religious affiliations will probably grow. I have now 4 different people at least, that served in the Revolutionary War, and some immigrants. Of course, all my ancestors came from some immigrants, I don't think there is any Native Americans in my tree, but it seems a lot of my DNA got here before this nation was founded and that has surprised me. I knew Littlefields came here in 1638, but I had expected to find that more ancestors came here after that little war of Independence.
And it's time to shut things down, get some stuff ready for the morning and back to work, I am not going to let that silly old man's anything make waves in my pond, he is not my entertainment job, and he's not going to become my child to take care of, or gain any of what he wants out of me. I just do not like his campground where he now has his camper, I don't want to watch tv at his house, hell, I don't want to watch tv, I am not wanting to have him keep me company on my vacation time and I don't want to chat on line with him any amount...got stuff I would rather be doing.
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