The rewards of staying employed and sticking it out through the rough times.

     Tomorrow will be the anniversary of my first day at this plant, 13 years ago.  I have it off as a paid vacation day, and will hopefully be getting some things done here at home.  I am still working on this old house that I bought/financed in July 2004, it now has a solid foundation and a good metal roof, a dormer addition and that unused area below the roof and above the 9+ foot ceilings has become living space, still a work in progress but the north end has the Sheetrock finished and painted and I have a great sewing area that I am still working on setting up and settling in with.

   The south end is the retreat, where I am currently sleeping, and I am getting ready to finish drywall work in that area, but have no idea when that small space between the 2 will go from a storage area into a small but very handy 2nd bathroom.

     I survived the problems of marriage to an illegal who was still legally married in Mexico, he returned, I got a divorce, and picked up the pieces.  I won't say I moved on, but I will say I have worked to make my life what I want and what I need.

     I survived a wicked car accident, the fault of the other driver, and I got through the insurance issues with that, a very dishonest contractor, the bills for that, the very long 8 months and 17 days off work and I got through the involvement with a man from the far past, whose honesty about finances was very lacking.  

     My credit rating has gone down, and up and down some and up again, but I am reasonably stable, I still am working full time, have benefits that come with that working and can afford luxuries in my life.  Yarns, fabrics, dolls and to replace my very aged iPad 3 with the newest iPad Pro 9.7, and the goodies that are made for it.  It is in shipping now and expected here Friday, the pencil is here now and the keyboard case comes tomorrow.  

     Tonight I have been working on stuff for a mattress to fit the little antique 'servant's' bed I picked up from a moving sale.  I made a covered mattress board this past weekend and after work picked up a foam mattress topper which I will use to make the mattress.  I have my cording for the edges made now and batting to wrap the foam in before putting on the muslin cover I will be making for it.  Then it will need custom sheets, mattress pad and in time, it will want quilts made to fit right. The bed is full length but all of 27 inches wide, from frame side to frame side and head and footboard are the same and almost 27 inches high.

     I would not have this house, or all the stuff inside this house, the truck and the car, and the little shop building that is not yet moved here, or be able to get that new iPad and the goodies IF I had not stuck it out, through the hard days, the pain, the hassles and harrassments, and all the other 'stuff' life has had.  

     It has not been an easy walk, but it is my walk and I am the one who had made it work, and I am the one who has paid the bills, made the decisions and will continue to do so.  I like feeling I own my own life, I did not feel that ownership with my marriages, or dating relationships, but single, not dating, I own my life, my time and my choices.

     And I know I will be watching finances closely to pay the debt load down once again but I do not regret the dolls I bought on 'plastic' money or the coming new iPad. But, again, my life and my choices and I make them work for me.

old house renovations and insanity

     Last winter it was the kitchen and get actual cupboards, cabinets and a real, working sink I liked, real counters and a real big refinance the almost paid off mortgage.  I survived that, I still have trim work to finish but it might actually get done this winter. 
     But I had that sewing space in the attic to retreat to and hide out in.  Now, the attic is the work in progress, just over a month so I cannot actually claim it has been that long.  I am already going insane, ready to abuse my co-workers over petty things, stressed and want to beat on that son that is again living with me, living supported again by me.. who is doing a lot of that work to finish dry walling and tape, mud and finish all the drywall except the inside of the future bathroom area.
     He finds time to game, to watch anime on the tv I own, with the internet service I pay for, shower in the water I pay for, using the towels I own, the shampoo and such I also buy.  But he has a hard time getting much work done up in that attic space, where I also have my only sleeping space, done.
     Jobs that should take a week or so are taking 2-3 weeks to do that area, and they get done because I go work on them, and I push him to get stuff done while I am at work, earning that money that is supporting the both of us.
      Yes, today I am whining and bitching and just venting.  Yes, I could ask him to move out, and he would, with no anger or raving, and go, where, he would not say, but he would leave...  in time to probably be back under my roof, living off me. 
     Getting a job and keeping it, staying employed with an income does not seem important to that more than 30 years old son, and that too, frustrates and upsets me.  I know I cannot make him be any different, he chooses his own path an lives his own life his way, for the most part.  But I see it as he is throwing hi life and time and abilities away, and that bothers me.
     I know I don't have much control over my adult children and how they choose to live their lives, where they live, who they spend time with, but I can still be bothered about their choices and look to see where I might have gone wrong or failed them while raising them.
     This morning I will touch up some areas with drywall mud, it has been primed and that helps show up spots that need a bit more attention. While that is drying I can start the cut work, paint with a brush the edges and corners that I can't get painted with the roller.  The electrical outlet that needed replaced can get wired in, and paint around them so they can be once again fastened into the box and ready for that breaker to get turned back on.  The ceiling will get painted and then the buttercup yellow on the walls, and the large peg board will get fastened back where it goes, 1 less item in the way, a tiny dent in all the mess and clutter that my sewing studio is and will be for weeks still.
      My much used and needed old truck is sitting at the repair shop and has to have the transmission rebuilt, I want that old truck and need use of a truck for several more years, so fixing it is my choice.  But I also pulled my savings and instead of that little wood shop/hobby shop, bike storage building I had planned and had funds for, I bought a car, 11 years old, $1800 for the car and over $1100 now for taxes, plates, new tires, brake work, transmission lines work, vacuum leak, seat covers....and I am still going to be paying over $40/key to have keys programmed and cut as the car came with only 1 key and 1 remote.  The wrong remotes were ordered, my error, they are now on their way back to seller, the key blanks are here and waiting, I do have 1 new remote that is correct and Ben programmed it, a very simple task with the remote that has the right transponder codes.
      And that is another irritation to add to my life.  The car is nice but it has a huge amount of electronics and so much stuff under the engine hood I have no idea what I am looking at and sure cannot do much of the work.
       I still have my taxes to file and will claim that son on my return, it has been over a year since he has been living off/with Mom again..I think I finally have all the stuff I need, will have to check on line with my 401Ks as I moved them with the change in plant ownership.  I do have the stuff from cashing out my pension and have to do some reading up on that 10% penalty stuff for cashing it before I turned 59.5, the form has some exemption marked but I do need to read and make sure, if I owe that 10%, I want it paid this tax filing and have it behind me.
      And the attic is a huge energy loss until it is finished, and ugly, and disorganized, and having the ceilings finished and the walls done, the sewing studio finished and orderly, storage organized and very usable will be a huge improvement and will last far longer than the disorder and mess it takes to get to that place.  I can cope, not exactly sure how, but know I am able to survive this house a mess stuff, this no place to hide and read, watch Netflix, or listen to music, no place to sew.
      I know that this winter I am able to afford the cost of all the needed materials and some of the just wanted stuff, that the entire attic expansion has not been a huge cost, but has made a huge improvement on my quality of life and will continue to do so for all the years I am able to live here.  These are the things I need to think of and hang on to when the mess and how long it takes starts to make me crazy, depressed and just irritated at that lazy adult living here.  The mess does not bother him as much, and he does not have any huge real reason to push himself to get more of the work done while I am out earning a living.  I wish he would feel, inside, that it matters to do all he can here, in as timely manor as he can, but he won't, I cannot make him feel that way and I can either ask him to leave, or find ways to cope and know I do get much needed and 'free' help on this old house renovations, if I can just survive the cost of that 'free' help I have living here.
      So, now that the coffee maker has been cleaned and rinsed out very well, and coffee made, it is time to get that first load into the dryer, get some coffee and into old house work clothes and go play in my sewing studio, the sooner I get busy up there the sooner this area will be done so we can move things and the next area can be worked. Change the piles and mess around, and find a way to cope and live through another few more weeks of attic mess, bug and push and then we will be to doing the dormer area or starting on the south end.     

The 6th Anniversary of that car accident.

     And I made it through the long work day, chatted with pal Kim after work and drove home in that Neon I bought this past Saturday from a Craig's List seller.  And thought about that accident some today while I was working. And how it has changed my life and changed me.

     It took a long and painful recovery before I returned to work, and there has been some rough days just to stay working but I keep winning that battle.  It took a long time to get the insurance settlement but I put it, or most of it to good use/work in my life.  

     I never came to love that truck I bought as a replacement for my red Mazda truck that I did love very much, but I have taken good care of it, and will continue to do so.  It is currently at the shop to get the transmission rebuilt and will come home to semi-retirement as the old house jobs truck.  I appreciate it, and have put a lot of funds into it, it is old and rusting but has served me well.

     The same old house, and it keeps slowly improving, and I keep being glad I bought it and live here. The same plant, now with a different company to work for, some changes made there and more coming as the new company works to tweak us into their company and their way of doing things. 

     A milder winter than the past 2 have been, working day shift instead of a split shift, working production instead of store room clerk, but day's work for me, now.

     A quieter life than back before the accident and a bit more careful with money, some payroll savings and investments for my future, and a life that has the possibility of going on disability before I am retirement age, not something I ever considered before that Buick crossed the center line in heavy traffic and I knew we would be hit head on and there was damn little I could do to minimize that accident.

     No going back, no changing the past, just adjust and live with what I cannot change, do what I can to have the life I want and that works for me and appreciate each and every day.  At times, it gets hard to find that bright spot, that high point in the day, but if I look, if it matters enough, I can always find a positive thing, a bright ray of light and a reason to know I am blessed.

     6 years have gone by, a lot has changed, I have changed, but there is not sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, first, it does not fix anything, second, I just am not good at that self pity stuff, and most of all, I am tough, hard and mean.  It was my life, and some man with marriage problems managed to get himself killed and really did a number on my little, much loved red truck, on my son and on his gal pal, and on my right leg and my brains.  

     He is dead, and I live on, brain has a few glitches, keep the chemical balance right and it has far fewer glitches.   The right leg and foot is not screaming mad at me as often has it was the first couple years, but that does not mean everything is better, some things will never 'get better' but I make life work and I make that foot and leg work also.

     I lost some precious dreams, can't actually blame that car accident for that, but it was involved.  And I found what really matters, and I learned just how strong and tough I can become.   And how very valuable my independence is to me.  

     And I will make this year a good year in my life, and keep moving forward with my life and with what works for me, my way and in my time frame.

Starting the New Year right is

      I slept in, until after 6 am, which here is sleeping in, my alarm goes off now at 4:15 am.  And the bed has clean sheets, the load of laundry is in the dryer and my peg board has been cleared off so it can be removed.  The north baseboard heater gets removed, that under windows area gets drywalled, maybe a bit of primer, and the heater goes back on so I can turn the power back on to those heaters.  They are connected and on the same breaker so the job means only small plug in heaters in the attic until the north one is back on the wall, wires connected and breaker turned back on.
     We work a full 8 hours tomorrow, overtime, and I am very glad to have it, as that old truck will be costing me several thousand dollars to repair.  But still, a better choice for me and my long term financial needs, goals and dreams.  And I will be nice to Jake's jeep while I have the loan of it.  And not go any place unless I have to...I really do not like that jeep or driving that jeep.
     The attic retreat, the south end, is a real mess, but not everything from the north end is moved in there, so the whole attic area is a jumbled disaster.  No, probably not quite that bad but I will be glad to make some visible progress today.  I know the area has to be done in sections, this house is just too small to move every thing out, do all the walls and ceilings and then get everything moved back in and out where it belongs.  I will not rent storage for the job, and I do not yet own that hobby/wood/bike building I hope to have built and moved here this winter.  And I would not want to pack some things down the stairs, out to the building and then back up again so even IF I did have the little shop building, not everything would be moving out so I would still have a disaster area to live with.
     We are seeing some of those changes at the plant, some job changes, some money/costs tightening that I had been expecting.  The new owners will change some things to how it is done in their other plants, some or most might work well here, and I am not management so it is not my headache.  I do own my job boxing stomaches, have made it clear to my immediate supervisor that having 'the boss' back has that woman giving me orders, telling me what all I do or did wrong and I did tell the real boss that I am the box girl and I see no reason for that to change or for overtime to be paid to the other woman again so she can waste company time.
     But I want a new doll, right now I want the new American Girl of the Year to  play with.  And I own several dolls that size so do not need another one and there are far more important things along with credit debt to pay down and a huge shop bill coming for the work my truck has to have.

Another Christmas and I am still glad I gave up all that commercial hype.

     I do get it that a lot of people enjoy the season, and that merchants and their suppliers depend on this huge spending frenzy to help keep in the black.  But it is ok if some of us choose to not play, that does not mean we do not believe in God, or that we do not have faith, but, really, a long list of pagan rituals dressed up for church reasons and commercial reasons do not have to center my life.

     I don't have depression problems, or anger issues, I just don't want to play the game, just do not need that gift giving, that money spending or that guilt tripping.

    Instead, here the meal is in the slow cooker, some progress on the drywall work in my attic area will get done and I will very gladly work for overtime tomorrow and not complain about 2 paid days off, and overtime on a Saturday.

     My old truck has major transmission problems, which will cost a very big bucket of money to fix, but the fix is a better choice than a vehicle change at this time.  It is parked at the shop, a key and note in the box for my awesome mechanic, and I will stop in after work Monday to see what the costs will be and the time frame.  In the meantime, son Jake has lent me his jeep so I have transportation and will be fine.

     We have had a mild winter so far, and hopefully son Ben and I will make good progress on the attic work today as I know we are expecting colder temps and winds, so having that area drywalled will really help.  It will be several weeks before I have my sewing corner set back up, but it will get done, and a friend gifted me with 10 feet of good countertop so I will be building in a great sewing table with some storage beneath and able to set up and use several machines without a battle.

     I think I can still go ahead with the plans to have a small building built for my wood working tools, winter storage for the scooter and Rebel but no space for anyone else to rent or otherwise get me to store any of their things here.  I have too much stuff belonging to my sons as it is now.  I am not the free storage place and I will not become that.

     The ownership change at the plant is starting to show in small ways, we better ship up and do what jobs we are paid for or be walking out the door.  I am glad. I never had bad work habits, and at my advanced age, I sure will not be gaining them.  And taking the job bid to boxing stomaches was a good choice for me, and if offered the set up before we start, I will take that overtime.  

     The truck having major and very costly transmission problems has changed my position on any overtime offered, I will take it and be very glad for it, this will change my plans some, will put me back in debt more than I had hoped, and I will not be making the progress with debt pay down I had expected or planned to be making.

     But my sewing space work will be on the budget and we will keep working at the labor part until it is done and my sewing space set back up, cleaner, better organized and more energy efficient than it has been.

     I know how to roll with most of the ups and downs life has, and how to find another working game plan, what to push, pull or just set aside.  So I will be ok, will manage and will be putting more of my tax refund into debt pay down than I had planned but it will work out.  

     And I have loads of fabrics and yarns to play with so have plenty of entertainment here at home, plenty of dolls to sew for and will be fine.

Not tonight, I refuse to deal with anything.

     I lost or never had a copy of the letter to the plant for accommodations for handicapped that I did over 4 years ago, so will need to compose a new 1 for the new company, but not tonight.  

     I have several sewing projects that need work, but not tonight, things just are not working well and I am not that fond of my seam ripper, just not tonight.

     Yes, there is always knitting waiting for me, but not tonight, not even the sock I started Monday evening, it can wait, there will be another day to work on it.

     I know I need to plan out what bills get paid Friday and what the priority list is for that paycheck, but not tonight, it just is not w good night t deal with finances, which are doing ok, but this is not the night to work on them, another night will make better decisions and the calculator will probably like me better.

      I am just going to give up and go to bed early, everything that needs my attention will be there tomorrow or Thursday, life is ok here but I am just not even going to try and deal with things, I let that stupid letter become a mountain and so now I will just leave it and everything else alone and they can shrink back to real size and be easy to deal with.

And a New chapter begins

    I was not planning to start many new chapters in my life, at my age but life has ways of changing things for a person.  And since Cargill sold the entire pork division to JBS, many people are starting new chapters in their lives, at least if they wish to keep working in the same location.
     I did pick up and fill out and turn in the paperwork to start 401K plans with the new employer, who also uses Vanguard so hopefully I will not go many paychecks before I am putting money into 2 401K plans, 1 pretax and the other is after.. And I have called Vanguard about rolling my Cargill accounts over into the new ones, once those are set up so that is all lined up, at least as much as I can line it up. 
     I went on line and did the stuff I could do for my Cargill pension, I can cash that out and since the pension from Con-Agra is locked and I will have it to draw once I reach 65, I did not want to have another locked when using the funds to pay down debt is a smarter choice at this time.  That paperwork is on it's way back to wherever it has to go, hopefully filled out correctly with everything needed so it can be processed and the certified check sent to me asap.  I might have that by the first week in December.
      Plans do include buying a reasonable sized utility building for a wood shop and setting it up to be a working wood shop and a place for the scooter and Rebel to live in the winter.  I need to have the maple tree cut down, it is slowly dying and needs removed anyway, and then decide on which building, mark out the location and make plans to put in gravel and 6x6 lumber for it to sit on and I think I will need to do 3 'foundation beams' but it will depend on which way the floor joices are laid out in the building.  I do know the door needs to face the house, and I need to remember the very small redbud tree that is already planted so the building is not on top of that and will allow it some growing room.
     We worked today, first Saturday in a very long time and we are hearing there will be production every Saturday and we might work 10 hour days every other week, with night shift working 10's on the alternate weeks.  The money will be good but the hours will beat many of us to pieces. 
     I do have some vacation time coming up and will be attending the BJD convention down in St. Louis next weekend, my first time to go but am joining doll friends down there who will make sure I don't get lost.  I am looking forward to the time away and the fun.
     We are still battling bed bugs some here, we/Ben thinks 1 hitched a ride on his clothing when he was doing some minor carpentry work for a friend, it had been several weeks since either of us had been bitten but we are spraying chairs, beds, floors and starting the war once again.  This has not been a fun battle, the damn bugs are so tiny I can't usually see them and have yet to see a hatchling or baby but sure have been bitten a few times by what Ben says is newly hatched. 
     Our weather is staying mild for this time of year, I am glad as need to do some work under the west side of the house to deal with some air gaps before we have a lot of cold winds and manage to keep putting that job off.  But the old house is making a bit of progress and I hope to have funds for more drywall for the attic area, would like to get all the drywall done in my sewing area, I know that would make it easier to keep clean and also more comfortable, I do have drafts on the north east corner that remind me I need to get the work done.
     So, most of the time I am content and like my little life, and I know it works for me.  It is not the life I thought I would have when I was much younger but it is what I do have and what I have made for myself.  And I just cannot see a reason to get involved with a dating relationship at this time, or any time soon, if ever.  I can daydream such silly things while I am working those very boring jobs in a meat packing plant but sure do not want to start dating any one.
     So, I hope those people in my past have good lives and are happy and so forth and I will be content to live here and do my own thing.  That reaching back into the past to touch base with someone did not work out so well 6 years ago.  Not the fault of my car accident but that accident and the possibility of a settlement that might be in the reach of someone, who had money problems he was not honest about, ya, I can see where I looked like a nice, ripe plum just ready for plucking.
      I don't think most of the people I knew when I was in my early 20's would even pick me out of a crowd, and they sure would not think to find me here, in a small river town, working labor in a meat processing plant or living the solitary life I am living.  I have changed, found my way, built my own security and self belief, become a strong and independent person, a far change and a very long way from the young and really naïve woman child I was when I was 20 or even 26. 
   But I think about that man from the Jessie L Brown, and the way he smiled and made me laugh, and wish his world has been a good one and he is doing well with his life.  And life does move on, and we have gone such different directions, I have gone so far, and it took me so long to find who I really am and to become strong enough to stand my ground and live by my choices and not by the orders and direction or to suit other people.
     But it is getting time for me to turn in, my days start very early even when I am off work, my internal clock seems to not be able to tell it is a 'sleep in' day.