Men, dating, on line dating web sites and that stuff in general

I admit to looking now and then at on line dating sites, am not willing to date people who work at the plant, don't see dumping the friendship with Larry at this time and have to be honest,the old house projects, both inside and outside hold more interest for me than a potential romance.

I admit to liking my very solitary lifestyle, plenty I enjoy doing alone and if I want company, I can usually find either Larry or a gal pal or son to keep me company.  And I like time alone, a lot of time alone.   I can read, watch what I want to watch, Downton Abby is my current enjoyment. I have time to sew and knit, plan out projects and see progress on them.

And my finances seem to be more stable.  Not getting rich, not even getting out of debt very fast but making ok progress on reducing the debt load, progress on this old house and progress on me.

I think tweaking me is and always will be an on-going project.  I need to find ways to get more organized and more tidy, I need to have better control of my temper, and of my spending impulses.

The weather this winter has been colder with more snow than in the past 10 winters I have been in Illinois and that too has added to my restless moods.  But I got exercise shoveling snow, and I helped my neighbors south of me, so that was good too.

Think there are a lot of good people out there, single and looking to meet someone, hope they find each other, know I am really not 1of them, know I don't want involved with any one, but do look now and then and dream.

Think I am happier dreaming about moving to the Faroe Islands than dreaming about a relationship, both occupy my mind while I do those jobs at the plant that now earn my living, and dating is less fun to dream about than becoming part of a small village on a rocky island in the North Sea.

Not blaming men for this, just accepting the reality of my life, this old house and what I really want for my life and for my future.

The house will be a long and slow project, but it is my project, and I don't want it taken over by someone else, and I sure do not want to loose the roof over my head due to the problems of some other person, not of my doing.  So, alone works for keeping the house and my stability as secure as I can make it, and that seems to be far more secure than I have found life with a man to be.

But I think it is great that 1 of my cousins is taking a holiday with her husband to celebrate their 25th anniversary.  And I like it that friends from childhood are still married to each other, despite all the rough times their lives have had, people I know do make marriage work.

But I don't want marriage, or live together or even a lot of time with anyone right now, I want stable finances and progress on my projects planned for this summer.

Working on that "me" project

Being back on the kill floor and a brainless, for the most part, job means that I have time again to dream and also to nit-pick my life and all the crappy choices I have made over the past 55+ years.

Being single, staying single and only a friendship, a very limited one with 1man seems to be working for me, at least far better than some of the past choices.

And I am working on controlling my using plastic cards to indulge and waste money that I later never seem to get paid off, high interest rates and way too much credit debt.  But I am making a bit of progress, not as much as I want.  But I am saving and have a 401K now to go with that Con-Agra pension I will hope to get every month.  

The house progress seems to be at a stop, I had hoped to see more drywall up but Jake and I did not communicate well with the 3 day weekend I had last month and so I lost that great work time.  But I will see outside progress this spring or early summer and plan to get some drywall, help to get it up into the attic and then help as needed to get it on the south end wall and some more of my ceiling heat loss area.

I am knitting on my 6th sock for the brace, but neglecting the doll clothes sewing that I should be working on and I will hope to make some doll sewing time this coming weekend.  I am tired, have been tired most of the week, but we are not working this Saturday and I plan to sleep later than 5 am if Shadow will let me.

Well, I am falling asleep and need a few things done first so better be done here and get with that before bed stuff.

Bitter cold and ugly outside

I have been in IL for 11 winters now, and this is the coldest winter I have seen here.  But the house is not too cold and the most recent utility bill is less than this time last year, despite it averaging at least 7 degrees colder than this time last month.
I still have a lot of drywall work to do in the attic and 2 windows in the kitchen to replace so I won't complain about the utility bill.  I know it will slowly improve and it is not as bad as many.  The old house has made a lot of progress in the years I have owned it, and it has a long way to go, but I gain a bit as I can afford to and as I have help.
I like my life here, my singleness and lifestyle here.  I work long and hard hours now on days at the plant and like it better than I did the frock room.  The pay is better most of the time also and I don't have the bickering women to deal with.
I am finding time to sew for my dolls and hope to sell some of my work, have most of my tax work done and plans for a survey on the property and get it legally recorded.  I want to try and start work on fencing the north, east and part of the south so I have a more dog safe place here and also deal with the property line issue between my property and the property on the north.
Life here is not perfect but I keep making it work, make the choices that are best for me, and work on letting go of the garbage from the past.
The dog is growing and at almost 8 months old, needs to be spanked a lot more if he was a child, he whines, he bullies, he pitches dog fits if he can't have his own way and he gets time out in his crate.  Living through the next few months with him will be challenging but I know part of his acting up is the cold weather. It has become too cold for the dog to enjoy outside, but it took getting down to 10 above and winds for that to happen.
Jake is doing ok with school and life and the current girlfriend, who is often here.  I like her and enjoy her company so have no complaints.  We all need to put a bit more effort into house work some days and the dishes grow into mountains far too often but we survive.

Living my dream life

Work has moved me out of hourly management and back to production and I am on day shift, the first time in many years I have worked days on a steady basis and I am liking that.  The work is harder, I hurt more and have far less stress and am much happier.  My income is similar so that works well also.
Yes, this is my dream, small stuff, progress on this old house, small perks like a planned trip down to KY for a couple days next month while I have vacation time.  Plans to enjoy the National Quilt Museum and just an escape out of town with my friend Larry to break the winter, if the weather and roads are good the week I am scheduled off on vacation.
The old house projects make little progress most of the time but the debt load is going down every month and I am down to under 26 more house payments.  I plan to sell my lot in MO and think those funds will cover most or all the costs for the concrete work on the back patio I want/need.
The grass has made progress, at least most of the sand is covered in something growing and I added some more day lilies and Robin Hood roses this fall with plans for more of both in the spring.  In time the roses should make a nice hedge between the edge of my south side and the street so the house feels more private.  I have accomplished that in the back with pampas grass along the alley and the south side of the back yard area.  And native day lilies also help fill in that and hold the sand with little care or attention.
Jake has helped some with drywall in the attic area so most of the ceiling has drywall, still have slopes to do on both sides of the south end and both south and north end walls need done but do have 1 sheet on the north end.
Right now the drywall jack is tucked away and I have no plans for more drywall work until warmer weather or I can afford and get some help.  Mostly I am just too tired and often work 6 day work weeks and just hurt and do not want the battle.  Move stuff out of the way, get Jake to help, put up a bit of drywall, clean up, put everything back so I can continue to live up here in the attic and not go nuts.  Ya, prep work and after work is more time and work than getting that sheetrock fastened to the ceiling or wall area.
Really miss living alone but know Jake will have a good start on his education with the time he is here, some money saved up and I like him, LOL but not the loud or the mess that adult sons seem to bring with them.
I am working on thinning out stuff I don't need, from books and patterns to clothes and such so that my small space is workable and enjoyable and if I don't need it, won't use it, can't use it, then it can leave.  Or in the case of many of my books, the library is a far better place as they have more shelf space and far more people can use the woodshop and home repair books and such. 
I wonder how Mike Ferrin is doing, he did comment on a post I made on Facebook but he can't be found with a search so he is hiding out, which I find funny.  Not sure if he thinks it matters much to me or if it his creditors he is hiding from but he has nothing to fear from me.  We walk different roads and we sure look at some things I consider very important different.  But I can say that about several other people I know and dated in the past.
It has been almost 11 years since I came here, for a job and because of a man.  He has been gone from this area and my life for most of those years but I settled in and have made myself a good life with a good job and an old house that really works well for me.
Not saying God has not kept his eye on me, or that He has not given me plenty of opportunity and  choices but it is my hard work and my making good choices that has gotten me to where I am right now.  In my own home that I can afford to heat, with job security, something being put away to help with my old age, ok credit and lots of nice stuff to enjoy.
Material goods abound here, and some of them sure are not needed, enjoyed, yes, glad I bought them, yes but I do not need both an iPad and a Nexus7.  There is the very old desktop computer and the not so old Toshiba laptop, the iTouch and the Kindle, 3 sewing machines and a serger.  Plenty of yarns and fabrics and lots of dolls and books.  Food in the house and money in the bank, maybe not much but still, money and gas in the tank of my paid for and well maintained old truck. 2 paid for Honda rides, the Metro and the Rebel, under covers and waiting for warm weather and both are in very good condition and great fun, good on gas.
Yes, a great life, the only petty gripe I often have is over slow internet and I will not pay a higher price until the very old phone lines serving this house, this town, this area are updated.  Paying a higher internet bill will not deal with those problems and I will continue to have poor service until the phone companies update their blasted wiring.

Getting another dog, taking a mini vacation

        We, Jake and I are miserable in a house without Kid, and I know he can't be replaced but we need another dog in our lives.  We both did some on line looking and this weekend, since I have 3 days off, I will be going to Paducah KY to bring back a puppy, Chesapeake Retriever and Weimaraner cross that both Jake and I think will grow into a great companion.
       I still have not gotten a Nexus 7, and I still keep wanting one, but life sure gets in the way, LOL, ended up with Jake taking my truck yesterday so I could not run to Jacksonville and buy one. Today I ended up working later than I expected so I didn't have the time after work to run to Jacksonville and Staples.
     The mail brought another insurance bill, good thing I did not spend the money on a Nexus or add it to my already huge credit debt.
       The work shift with Barb gave us a chance to talk, I did tell her about my problem with credit and buying myself stuff, to reward me, to comfort me, and messing up my finances and adding to credit debt.She talked about the years before she and Thomas were married, raising her kids alone and in poverty.
       She wants bedroom furniture, a good mattress and a bed frame, dressers to put their clothes in, with dresser tops to put things on, her little things, his stuff.
       I am going back to production with our frock room jobs ending, she is taking the lay-off and unemployment and I think she is putting herself and her family back into the poverty they left behind in Detroit, all those years ago when they put their clothes in plastic bags and got on a bus to come down south for jobs in a pig plant.
      I will get by, I will worry about about money and qualifying for another job in plant but I will do ok.  I hope that Barb and her family do ok too, but they have to live their own lives and go the direction that they feel is best.
     Hell, I can't even find a way to talk to the man I have been dating for over 2.5 years and get him to understand that our relationship is not good for me, his house is not healthy for me, and I am not going to sit around and watch t.v and do nothing and I want and need more intelligent conversation in my life.
    But, I am going to enjoy my little holiday and Jake and I will spend time teaching each other what puppies should not be chewing up and hopefully teach this pup some better manners while he is small so he's not a huge horse knocking people over at the door.
     My old house needs a huge amount of work still but I now have privacy film on the windows so i can enjoy having the curtains pulled back and not feel anyone is spying on me and prying into my life.  I will get some help and get some of the drywall up on the south end, 4 sheets are here and paid for.  I will  work on the front door and the problems and drafts with that.  And the outside work is making progress, rains have helped but I walked around in the back and the weed and feed have knocked the weeds back some, I have to give the grass a fighting chance.
And it's getting later and later and I still need to pack a few things for an overnight trip so better get with that and clothes laid out for tomorrow, might even get the dishes washed tonight so they are out of the way tomorrow.  I am looking forward to my road trip, it will be a bit of a long drive for me, alone on the way down but I will have the new family member on the way back home.

Hurting

I really do understand people/cultures who practice self-mutilation as a part of their grieving process. I don't know if it helps but when you hurt so much inside, it just seems right that some of that suffering and pain show on the outside.
We lost my silly dog, Kid, an accident while he was on an outing with Jake and Ben.   All preventable, if only, but there is no Turing back the clock on this past Saturday and doing anything different.
Kid is dead, buried, gone and I have to find a way to accept, deal with and adjust to that.  As does Jake, whose bed Kid almost always shared.  The house is so empty, birds are their usual loud selves but without Kid, it is an empty house.  No more battles about who goes out the door first, no more nose poking and dog nudging and digging me out of bed early in the morning to take him out for potty call.  No more nose pushing aside the curtain on the south living room window so he could watch traffic or watch me mow.
Lost my yard work, flower bed supervisor, my hard black tail beating on me, huge feet in the way,  big dog crowding me through doorways, supervisor for long soaks in the tub with a book.
Glad I was already scheduled for Monday and Tuesday off work, already had flower bed clean up on the plans so am getting that done, along with dividing day lilies, some to go on Kid's grave.
Jake has put in at least 1 application for dog rescue, Lab/Weimaraner breed, I put in a call to someone raising them, puppies all sold.
We know that no other dog will be Kid, but we know his breeding was a big part of what made him such a great dog for both of us.
I just want my Kid back, under foot, in the way, sucking up attention, nudging me to pet him or take him out so he could potty, sniff everything, chase the cats that live around here.
Caught up on laundry, worked on outside/fall clean up and garden chores, grieved, and drew farther away from the world.
Got privacy film up on 2 more windows and on the window in the front door, have enoug left I will probably start on bathroom windows, at least the lower half.  I want the curtains pulled back so I have the light in, but it is not to watch the street, I could care less who is driving by, but I miss having the light in, and miss seeing my flower beds and such.  The film will shut out the view into the house but allow me to have the light, see, and enjoy my own home more.
Finishing up a pair of socks for Jake, got 1 started for mr and might get the mate cast on before I shut down for the night.  Trying to not cry myself to sleep tonight, sleeping with my old bear again, doing a lot of talking to God and think God is okay with me feeling I don't want to go to heaven if there is no dogs there, if I don't have Kid waiting for me there.  Right now, the idea of a heaven without dogs doesn't seem to be any place I could ever be willing to visit, much less be stuck with staying.

working on life here

Finding balance most of the time, trying to keep my life working, the finances working and like who I am and what I am doing.
Still have some issues with the man stuff, not sure about what to do with who I date, and what time I spend with him, know I want to keep my life going in directions that work for me, that I can manage and be happy.  He is a good man but there are small things that add up to me getting more and more distance. 
I love having a bike again, it gives me a lot of freedom, emotionally.  And I do like my life, even when it has rough spots and issues.  The house needs so much work, the debt load is high, the landscaping is a neglected mess, the son leaves the house a disaster at times.  But it is all workable.
I would like to manage my finances better than I am doing now, but the debt load is going down, I am working hard to Not use my Credit for stuff I can wait on, making payments as big as I can on all the debts, including utilities, round up is the key for that.
Moods are staying more stable, but I have a long list of stuff I need to do, should get done and that list is not shrinking very much. But, at least I am not being depressed, and I am doing good with cutting out snacking on candy, and not making M&Ms a meal.  So, I have dropped a few pounds in the past 6 months and that is a good thing.
 Did start a membership at a singles web site but not ready to make it a paid membership, but might in the future.  Not sure if that is something I want or not but I am thinking about what I do want sometime down the road.  I know that having Jake live here does fill some of the companionship needs in my life but he will be here only for a while.
I do like feeling that I own my own life and am in charge of it, and know that staying single has a lot more that than any committed relationship and I sure don't need a sex life or scratch an itch now and then stuff.