Into March and on with life

It's my Friday off and I didn't end up going to Springfield with pal Darrell for his shoulder surgery so that means I had early coffee with Larry and then we did his blood work thing up in Rushville. I then ran some errands and now am home with my feet up and Kid's enjoying Mom home.
Ben's stuff is gathered up and ready to go somewhere besides my bathroom and living room, Jake's stuff needs to be put in the storage area still but I need to do some making room work before it can move.
The state tax return came and my Kindle and a skin for it has been ordered, I want a cover but will wait a bit for that, can come up with something here for a while until it's on the budget. I did also price checking on car insurance and can't change that at this time, maybe in a year I will be a better insurance risk.
The house is staying clean while I am gone, or the mess doesn't get worse and that is a nice change, I have no idea where Ben is but he's an adult, I just would like the jeep keys to turn up so I can get Andy's blankets out of my way.
Jake's buying the jeep from his dad and for now it's living in my yard, I am so not happy about the whole situation but know Jake's doing what he feels is best and I can live with the jeep here IF I have keys so I can move it out of my way now and then to mow and so forth.
Foot is doing very well, that should scare me but I think I will just appreciate how much less pain I am having and how much better I am walking.
I have bid for a frock room job and hope to get the opening, it will pay less per hour but think long term it will be so much better for me and I will have Sundays free again so that means I can attend church some and also doll club meetings IF I do get the job.
Money is so very tight here, I can't afford to keep supporting/housing/feeding Ben. It's time he was self supporting and time for me to get with putting my financial house into better order and also my house cleaner, my life in better shape.
This Larry thing is good for both of us, we aren't looking too far down the road but we are comfortable with each other. I know that I can't move away from my little house and what I am working on here, not even a few blocks away and that's his home, his place, his space and he needs it that way. So, we get to know the streets between here and there, we fit our time together when we can and we don't worry about who talks or what others think. He's widowed, I am divorced, our kids are all adults so it's our choices and lives, not theirs to live.
I did pass all my truck license tests in plant so now can get more comfortable and experience with both the scissor lift and the stand up trucks. So, that's a weekend work project, have the license so now am not violating company rules to use/practice with them.
And the birds are making noise and need their cage cleaned so I will get that done..and find something to do, sure would like to be getting Jake's things out of my sewing space...maybe next days off, I can start the make space job before work and have it done by Thursday..if weather co-operates and I get with it. It would be nice to get my sewing space back once again.
And I have a box I want down in the storage area and out of my way here too.

The start of March

The snow has almost all melted away, the creeping charlie is growing every day. I have so much to do and life has been crazy lately. Jake had leave and it was a great leave compared to the last one.
Now I am trying to move Ben out and get my life going my way once again. I have old house projects planned, garden and flower bed work planned and soon it will be warm enough to get started.
I also have a new playmate to enjoy. He's more than just a playmate but I am not ready to say a lot about how I feel. It's not what I expected or wanted to walk into my life and now I see what happens as we get to know each other better.

Foot is tolerating work better but I plan to bid on the up-coming frock/equipment job and hope I can get it. The pay is less per hour but it should be safer and easier on my foot and less co-worker stress for the most part.

And the state does have my tax return in process so I hope in a week or 2 to see my refund paid into my bank account so I can buy the roses I want and the Kindle e-reader I want. Between the 2 of them I will spend about all that refund but I am going to be pleased with the roses I am getting and I will use the e-reader alot.
We are talking camping soon, Larry owns a new(to him) 5th wheel, it replaces what he used to have and it's nice. I can give up tent camping if that's what it takes to have camping trips with Larry.
6 months ago I didn't know if I could even keep my job and I knew there would never be any man that could become important. Now I am adding new roads to that road map for my life I have been re-drawing and I know I can do my job and earn my way in life.
There are still a lot of things I need to work out, the insurance settlement and getting my 2nd son moved out and keep him moved out are high on the list here.
but life has far more joy and happiness than I expected to ever have again.

bad dreams...

I don't remember what I dreamed last night, just small bits and pieces and I woke up feeling stressed and unhappy. And I am not sure why my dreams were so disturbed, nothing that I watched on tv should have caused a problem and nothing has happened in the real world I am living in,
Work is going ok, I am glad I was able to go back to work after the accident, and some shifts get hard but I do like my job and most of the people there. My foot gets miserable some times, but I'm not often taking anything for pain so that's good.
Winter is long and hard this winter, we've had more snow than I have seen for years but I have managed to shovel what I needed to and Ben and Tamara helped with this last storm. But I'm not depressed with winter or the cold.
So I don't know why or what rattled my sleep and walked through my dreams--or I know who/what but I will sort it out and get my balance and composure back. My life here is good, there is balance and peace.
My finances are slowly getting better, it will take a long time but I am making progress and I am making progress with the house, not fast but a bit at a time. I'm not going to let the past and anyone from the past screw up my head, especially those that share my blood and genetics.
I did the best I knew how to be a good parent, I wasn't perfect but my kids are now all adults and living their own lives. I am not making any of their choices, nor am I responsible for their lives.
Like most parents, I want the best for my kids, and want them to be happy with their own lives, but I know they have to do the living of those lives, making the choices and dealing with the results of those choices.
Now, it's my life here, and my paychecks to make decisions with, and to support my self, and I do have a lot of stuff that I don't have to have, I buy things I want, I add to my doll collection and have techie toys that I don't need. It's a single and indulgent life in ways but it is my life.
And I am not going to let dreams or the past mess up my head nor am I going to let some sort of guilt trip crawl into my head either.

Snow and vacation time

I admit I am counting down the days until I am back at work. But I did get a doll dress made that I had cut out last fall. I did get the first estimate on replacing my roof, will want as many as I can get and then to check on rep of the bidders.
I did have a good day with Julie here yesterday. Ben's been here all week and has tinkered with Jake's damaged laptop. Appears that the LCD screen is damaged but rest of computer functions fine..so with something for a screen, Ben is gaming to his heart's content on Jake's computer--
I am coping ok, phone call from what was probably a collection agency for Mike Ferrin this week was a surprise, did not expect to have such calls coming here. I am not surprised about a collection agency wanting to contact him, just that they would have my phone # in connection with him.
Not a problem for me, Ben is the 1 who answered the phone and he also was surprised that anyone would call here for that person.
I do a lot of thinking and sorting out my head with time off work, my regular days off, and this vacation time. I still feel I am in a 'holding pattern' in some ways, but know my life is moving forward, or that time is, and I will get by and survive.
People and things don't matter to me as much as they did before the accident, I've pulled away emotionally from the world in some ways, and that has both it's good points and some probably negative ones.
I do look forward to spring and working my flower beds and garden, it does a lot of positive things for my soul and heart. This year I will get dormant oil and do my plum trees and the roses, this year I will buy some bug spray and use it carefully, this year I should not be so handicapped and unable to take care of my tiny bit of ground here.
I want to see the pampas grass started along the outside of the berm, and move the roses and replace them with Robin Hood Roses as they will get taller and make a tighter, higher hedge.

I will get through the winter and through the insurance settlement, I will get through the management changes at work, the changes in supply/warehouse department and I will not let this accident or Mike's deception mess up my life and head.
But I will also guard myself more than I did before, that trust issue is shot to pieces and at this time I have no reason to want to fix it. I am better off not trusting other people for the most part, depending on only me works far better than picking up myself after someone lets me down or messes my life up.

A new year and figuring it out

So, it's getting close to the end of the first week of the new year. And getting close to the first anniversary of the car accident that has changed my life so profoundly. I am working on adjusting to all the changes, and still figuring some of them out.
Physically I have a lot more changes than are noticeable, the amount of pain, how it is affecting movement and attitude. How it has changed me in ways I didn't know it would change me.
Harder, more bitter, and more anger about the causes of the accident. It was not just Mark Young at fault, his state of mind was a direct result of his marriage problem and his argument with his wife about his adultery.
I have a harder attitude at work, and in some cases/situations, that is an improvement. Gwenn and Dave D no longer make much waves in my mental world with their petty attitudes or snippy, nasty little comments. I have not told them to go to hell but they sure do know they don't matter a lot to me and I don't cower at their disapproval or negative attitudes.
And I find it quite entertaining that they are both dis-pleased with who has the purchasing manager job and the new warehouse supervisor job. Bot of them applied for both of those openings and neither were qualified, but they are going to nit-pick the 2 people who did get those openings.
Maintenance has a very good opinion of Megan, the new dept. head and I have a lot of trust in their judgment, many of them have had Megan as their dept. head. Julie W, has a good history of supervisor in some challenging departments and I think she is more capable of dealing with warehouse, supply and the equipment/frock room people than Gwenn and Dave want to give her credit for. Jealous and sour grapes is a big part of their problems.
I am going to say they are right in their assessment of Tina T and what little work she manages to do and get done. We have had some changes in time schedules and job duties and it will be interesting to see if Tina T starts to get done what is now her job responsibilities.
Dating is a huge change, my attitude about relationships, what I need and want has changed with the changes in me this accident has caused. I am not willing to put much into a relationship nor do I want anyone taking up much of my off work time and I sure don't want someone taking up any space here in my home and adding to the work load here for me.
Mike Ferrin's deceptions about financial matters hurt me some financially, and emotionally sure added to the lack of trust in other people, especially men that I do have. He lied from the very beginning about some huge financial problems and obligations that were and are his and that could have resulted in me being impoverished for the rest of my life.
I have made some terrible financial choices in my adult life, and almost all of them have come about because of the man I was involved with at the time those decisions were made. Men have greatly benefited from those relationships and I have ended up footing the bills for that.
I am no longer willing or able to continue to be so very stupid about men and about money. I am not concerned about their poverty or money problems. I also will not get involved with anyone that could become a problem that way.
So, it suits me to have a very not too involved 'thing' going with Carl M. And what is or isn't going on between us is far more our business than people at plant realize. They can talk and speculate all they want. We will manage to get along and do what works for us despite their help and supervision and so forth.
I am ok with the person I have become with this accident, but I know some other are not as happy, mostly because I am not doing anything for them now, I am not willing to do anything for them now, I will not make time for them in my life...gee, too bad, I cannot take care of my own responsibilities and some of theirs.
I am looking at tax refund time and making a small dent in some of the debt load. I won't gain much but I will gain about $100 less per month to pay out so that can go to some of the huge credit debt so it goes down a bit faster.
I am looking forward to the doctor appointment and insurance visit after that and hope to see this accident settlement by construction time this spring. And I hope to see enough from the settlement so that the house can get the needed roof work without a loan.
This week I have a good paycheck and will put it to good use, know I need to be very practical for several years as I dig my way out of debt and work on repairs and improvements my old house needs.
I no longer feel guilty about having a self centered life, about me and what I want and need being the center of my life and what I do, how I spend my money and time. I have spent most of my 54 years doing for others first alot of the time, but I have no husband, and my children are all adults now, my parents are gone so I am on my own. And my responsibilities and my needs can come first and will.
Kid is my indulgence and spoilt and catered to pet, and the birds have me, but everyone else can go fend for themselves. I will choose who I spend my time with, and what I do for others. And I am not going to be able to fit into my time anyone or anything that don't suit me

That wish list stuff

I don't do that commercial Christmas stuff, walked away from that 'crap' many years ago. I will eat the mid-winter feast meal, this year Cargill is doing our dinner on a Tuesday so I actually get to have my Christmas dinner. And the gift from the plant was a very nice sized ham and a really great sweatshirt fleece blanket in a very friendly gray that Kid and I will enjoy.
D.H. has backed off and now now longer tries to get me to do something after I get off work Sundays and I think he has finally accepted that I am not dating him, I am not going to Springfield or Jacksonville with him and that I don't want drug into any of the plant issues he's involved in, having or whatever.
It's cold, and I am not enjoying some of that, but I will survive. So far it's not been too bad in supply but some of my co-workers have set the area heater on 100, I turned it down, turned off the small electric heaters and was comfortable all shift. I was also busy and got things done that needed done.
I was spending some out of plant time with a maint. guy when I started that royal blue work sweater, now the replacement is done and I'm considering some time with that same guy again.
He does understand that I am still getting life back on solid ground, that I don't have much time or much 'me' to put into a relationship but he's ok with that. He also has done some things that hit me as making it obvious that he is interested in me...and we will both get some flack/teasing/comments about it. And he knew he would be 'opening the door' to talk and speculation on what's going on between us...plenty of audience to that coffee delivery and the comments he made. Including his supervisor. It's ok, I can handle the waves.
Jake's back at home base, talked to him last night, that was great, he sounds good, happy, talking about his leave, doesn't know when it will be yet. Loves me, had some of his hand knit socks stolen, some wore out.
The new work sweater had it's first trip through the washing machine and dryer. I did turn it wrong side out and I did remove it from the dryer before it was completely dry. I love the sweater, think I need several more that weight and do have the purple 1 started, planning to use a pattern by Alice Starmore for that 1 but we all know I will adjust it to fit me better or tweak it to suit me more.
Don't have much of a wish list, 1 month of everyone working in supply/warehouse being considerate, and doing their job and doing it right would be nice. Less pain in the right foot would really be appreciated as would more patience with myself.
Sister L is still hurting from her surgery, still having daily migrains, still looking for mr right, I am glad I don't have her life, am glad I am emotionally stronger, and manage my life different than she is doing her life. She may pass for many years younger than she actually is but I don't see it lasting if she continues drinking and being dis-satisfied with her life. I thought she and her husband had got it figured out, how to keep a marriage working, but after 24+ years of marriage, they are now divorced.
I will gladly keep my old house and damaged foot, it's a life I can work with and some things, some days are just gold, coffee delivered today, the patience some of the maint guys have when I have to move a lot of stuff with the fork truck before I can get to the racks and barrels of oil down.
The dog reeks when he passes gas, and he wants to cuddle, wants my attention when I am trying to read my e-mail, crowds me sleeping, takes up a lot of my bed, but he also loves me with few demands, just as I am, on my good days and on my bad ones too.
I do so love my life, love that feeling I get when I put on a sweater I knit, especially when it's 1 I designed too. 3 out of 5 of my hand knit sweaters are my own design/creation. Love wrapping up in the new blanket and watching tv with that dog. I do know I still have a lot of issues to work out, sort out, deal with.
I know I have a ways to go when I find myself crying over sad spots in Star Trek Voyager episodes. Or sad spots in movies. I don't cry over my life but I am far too easily moved to tears over fictional things. I am not going to try to 'get help' with any emotional issues or 'depression' as I know there is nothing in my life that would be 'fixed' by anti-depressants, I have a lot that needs dealt with, taken care of, and some is just time and you have to live through that 'time' stuff

Winter is here

And we have gotten real cold, at least for this area. I lived through much colder out west, but I was younger then and didn't have a metal plate and 5 screws in 1 leg. I am not whining but life here is not all cake and ice cream. I try to not moan or whine where many people can read it or where my venting can get waves going that I don't want to deal with.
Some of my co-workers suck when it comes to doing their work duties, I do not expect it to get a lot better with the new dept head and I doubt if having our very own warehouse supervisor on 2nd shift will make huge changes, nor will security cameras in the warehouse but the gate might be kept shut like it should be more often.
And looking back, I have to wonder just how stupid and desperate that guy from the past thought I was??? Ok, so I had some fun out west, at a time I really wanted an escape from being here, from dealing with the accident and I wanted something to believe in, someone who gave me a bit of 'happy ever after' even when I could see that he could not bring it about.
So, a year later, I walk with a real obvious limp some days, and hurt a lot, and live with that hurt. and I just don't want some man feeding me any lines/lies/crap again. I don't want to hear much about their problems, I won't fix things for anyone, and I don't want to share my house, my bed or my paycheck with anyone except the dog and birds, and the birds do not get to share that bed.
I also think Suzi has her doll outfits way overpriced and that green sweater she has up for sale has a serious cable screw up on it, it's not acceptable workmanship for the price she is asking. I know she is very talented and creative, but she's not designing much original stuff, purchased patterns for both the sewing and knitting and not a huge amount of tweaking with them...
but I am also not creating much, for sale or for myself...
Taking some time off knitting or slowing down some on it, wrists and lower arms are getting painful at times, and I know I have pushed hard with my sweater. It will get done, I will be wearing it soon but it's not a life and death thing..the world does not end if I don't get it done Now..but I would like to be wearing it to work Saturday or Sunday..and impress that guy in the boiler room I flirt with.
We have been involved before, and we might again do some of that adult stuff, and for now, we are comfortable with things as they are..it's too cold to play or run back and forth between where he lives and where I live and our different work schedules...
and I need to head for bed, get that spoilt dog out for a last potty break and then tuck in the warm and clean bed that is waiting for us...