Good friends and a solid base to stand on

 Spent time today with my good friend Kim, worked on sealing up the entrance point for cats getting under her home and damaging the duct work to her central air conditioner. And I didn’t do much else here. But the laundry is washed and I will hang the load out to dry in the morning.

Work has me winning points with my supervisors but it’s sure not helping my hands. I do know I can go to  a personal injury law group and have them help me fight but right now I think i am able to put that off for right now.

Time seems to escape me

      Or I am not willing to put into writing my life and my thoughts anymore.   I’ve found myself isolating myself, the small details of my life and my thoughts.  I’m not sure just why but my personal privacy has become so very important to me, including my thoughts, my hopes, my fears and just where all my mind goes wandering.

      But my life is actually going ok, yes, there are a few issues that I will be dealing with as time goes, and the old house sure needs work and I need to put more effort into having a cleaner and more tidy home,  I am still not dealing with all the stuff I moved out of the antique oak china hutch and antique chest of drawers that moved to Versailles and son Ben’s new home.  He would have eventually inherited them and he and Lora can use them now and really did have more need of them than I did.  But I still need to sort out and put away things and have put off doing that, for the most part.  My upstairs needs serious cleaning and put into order, the single bed went to Ben’s also so that’s created a mess on the retreat side of my Attic space.  The studio is a mess, between me and the cats, yes, we have a mess that needs tidying and I have 2 quilt tops planned and the fabrics for them so need to make time for those also and hopefully manage to create some order out of the chaos while I am making at least 1 of them.

     Work is now 2nd shift and I do like the balance my life has now but the job I bid to is now causing major hand problems, neuropathy in both hands and gee, like hundreds of others before me, I am finding some problems with our nursing department and even more issues with the ‘company doctor’, first appointment was in plant, and a nurse practitioner who either thought I am very stupid or is very unqualified herself.  I plan to ask Danny, our 2nd shift Safety head to attend the next appointment and I don’t plan to be sweet, nice and tolerant.  But I will choose my words carefully and that’s definitely something I am often very good at.  But in the meantime, my hands are having enough problems that I am not able to make long, enjoyable runs on my scooters or knit very much or do many of the very familiar hand tasks that sewing actually takes.  And the fact that my hand problems, caused by my job duties is maddening.  I have asked, repeatedly that open jobs be posted for bid, as required by our contracts so I could bid off the stomach flush job to other open/available (by our contract) jobs that I could do with less damage to my so very damn important hands.

      On the fun side of life, a guy I have some slight acquaintance with is back at the plant, maintenance job instead of tech service/quality control, and on 2nd shift and instead of keeping him at arm’s length, as i did years ago I am actually flirting some with him.  And we aren’t quite acting like silly teens in school, but ya, sort of like that.   And we text some. . . and when we can actually figure out how to spend some time together, not at work, ya, we are going to figure out if it’s just a spark that doesn’t work or if there’s something that we might like to work on, that also works for our own lives, goals and directions.  

      So, life has a good balance, it’s not perfect but I find great joy in small things, like the 2 tire garden this year, 1 zucchini plant has been removed, some sort of insect damage, but I am eating my own zucchini and the tomatoes are starting to ripen, 2 different types of cherry tomatoes and 2 jalapeños plants.  Not a big garden but maybe next year I will have 3 tires to plant in and play with.  And the Dragon fruit seeds did sprout and some lived and are now really growing well as the plants moved outside for the summer.

     That asking son Ben for a kitten last year for Mother’s Day has worked out, but not exactly how I wanted.  I didn’t close in around my shop building, all the people harboring/feeding feral and strays/dumped cats are gone, I missed that. . .  And ended up with 2 pregnant cats, who still live here, along with 2 kittens, now young adults that I couldn’t find homes for, 1 female, Rachel is probably 6+ years old and was definitely dumped/abandoned and she’s not even interested in escaping, she’s very glad to be my house cat and yes, I did shut down that kitten factory.  The other has to have been badly abused as she’s just terrified of humans, despite living here in the house for almost a year, she’s still afraid of me.  But she’s very house trained and other than not tame enough to catch, crate and pack to the vet to be fixed,  she’s no problem for me.  I would like to see her fixed as I am sure she’d be much less stressed without the continual heat cycles.  

     Working nights/2nd shift again is so much better for my mental health, for my creativity and for my getting things done here.  I still procrastinate way too much but am working on dealing with myself on that.   Finances are getting better, debt load is going down, and I am happier.

Another Thanksgiving coming

      It’s going to be cold here, and work is long hours and cold. I’m on the head table or pate meat more often than the job I own, shortage’s of humans but not as bad as last winter was.  My aging body is not impressed with our almost 10 hour days, we are at least 20-30 minutes over that 9.5 hour days we were supposed to be working with the new schedule.  I can’t change it so I am making practical use of the extra $ and more is going to savings and more is going to pay down debt load.

     It’s been over 17 years now since Miguel returned to Mexico and his family and life there.  My emotional heart still is still missing him but my brains know we made the correct choice, and I have worked to make my life here work, to continue working at this plant, to continue repairs and improvements on this old house.  

     He has many family members who are working in our plant, and we talk now, that’s a change from when he left and the lies and deceptions rocked my world.  But all these years I have imagined his life back home, the farm he loved and missed all the time living here in the USA, and his children, his parents and the family members still living in the area. 

   My dreams and imagination apparently is not his actual reality if 1 of his cousin’s comments yesterday are accurate, he mentioned drinking problems and a lot of what I am thinking could be arthritis, very painful legs limiting his mobility and depression.  He asked me about going down to visit and I explained just how wrong that would be for me.  We have had no contact for 16+ years and I have no right to invade his life and his corner of the planet. And I think the cousin understands that without Miguel contacting me, I would be very much in the wrong to just show up there, or even to write him.  

     We lived here together, this address hasn’t changed, I told cousin Joel he could tell Miguel that I would be glad to get a postcard from him and would write him a letter if I received a postcard.  I think he does understand the why it’s not acceptable, it would be wrong, an invasion of his life without Miguel himself inviting me. That even to contact him would be wrong.  Old values, old ethics, old social rights and wrongs.  

    But if invited to write, I would send him letters and even photos of this old house and of what has changed, not only with the house but with this town and the plant.  I miss him, we were lovers, and we were friends, partners and pals. 

     That kitchen range we spent several months looking and comparing to make the best ‘for life’ decisions on that appliance is now sitting outside and will move to my son’s place when he can get that done. My new electric range is in place, part of the needed wiring upgrade is done and I now have the parts to finish the job, the cold outside part will not be fun but it’s not a huge job.

     He would like the solar panels and the expansion up under that steep roof and the metal roof. And that very solid new foundation for the east 1/2 of the house would please him, but I don’t think he would feel comfortable working down in the utility space, but he wouldn’t be so worried about the house falling in on him.  And I bet that tankless water heater and hot showers for as long as he wanted would have him grinning big.

    It’s finally time to start the exterior work, he’s like that and I hope for an enclosed sun space on the front/west, he would probably try to claim part or all of that on sunny winter days, but then, me and the cats now living here will love whatever I am able to have built.

     My/our $14,000 filthy renovation nightmare is on its 3rd mortgage and that’s getting paid off today, once the bank is open.  There’s still so much more to be done, from small nickel and dime stuff to some big, needs financing stuff.  But a few months this winter with no mortgage to pay and the long hours at the plant will help me pay down some of that debt load faster. As will the tax refund, and yes, I do start thinking about that this time every year and yes, by Christmas or New Year, at the latest, I have some rough figuring done and yes, I still deliberately overpay my federal and state income taxes.

     And, yes, despite the issues and problems and ‘everything’ my life works well, I am content and glad I have this life, glad I have some great memories of about 5 years with that man who now lives down in rural Mexico.  And he/his life will always be in my prayers that it’s good and he’s healthy and happy.  Because, for the most part, I have that, so, ya, I want that for those I care about.

Me and homo sapients

      Yes, I know I am a member of the species. But that doesn’t mean I enjoy being around very many of them.  And I am finding that the fewer I have to be around or deal with the more I like my life and the balance I have.

     Today was the first doll club meeting I have attended in a few months, UFDC convention 2022 was part of our discussions today, it’s being held less than 125 miles from me, in St. Louis and yes, I do go play down in the city, like to visit the city, have a favorite Airbnb I now stay at, same room, same streets, same restaurants and shops, so if I go to the convention I will Not stay at the hotel where it’s held but at my room in the Airbnb. I don’t want that almost $200/night hotel room, and I sure don’t want roommates. Especially not 3 other humans. Yes, it’s almost a year away but no, I will not change how I feel about that, the older I get, the less I want to deal with or be around a lot of people.

     Small groups are ok and the crowds at the Farmer’s market are a different thing, they are not a hotel full of mostly women, some who are very wealthy. Almost all who are living vastly different lives than my strange, single meat packing plant labor life.  

     Yes, I am doing the scooter rally this coming weekend but sticking with the 49cc gang for the Saturday ride, yes, I am an experienced rider, and yes, I will be on my own scooter with correct tire pressure for my weight, and yes, I have lost some confidence but mostly I want easy and relaxed and slower pace.

     Work beats me up, and I know I am doing a lot before the rally here, hot sun landscaping work for more scooter parking space, the plants that needed moved are moved, now to move sand/soil, level and set the pavers in place and rebuild the retaining wall, it will slope this time and I will scatter grass seed and rake it’ll and water now and then.  Hopefully I will have less mowing issues between shop and house, between upper patio and where the car parks.  

     And yes, I am buying another Vespa, yes, new and NO, I am not trading in any of the other rides. And yes, I will be financing that and will work on buying covers for scooters this fall, with all the overtime I may as well indulge in scooter goodies…

       This is not the life I expected when I was much younger, or when I bought this house, moved to this town and to work at that pork plant. But it is the life I have built for myself and built by myself. And I am very ok with this life and with what I am doing with this life.

Easter Weekend in the Corvid-19 plague era

     Yes, I know it's not being called a plague, it is a virus, and antibiotics will not work to treat it, too bad our current president is too stupid to understand that.
     It's after midnight so well past my bedtime but I let a phone call with my youngest son upset me, not so much my son but his father and health problems, which seem to be due to lack of taking care of his health.  And I am not to blame for that, no, Jake is not blaming me or commenting on his dad neglecting his health but it's adding burdens to Jake's young shoulders and that's what is bothering me.
     I think Sam has no problems with putting weight on Jake's shoulders, in expecting his son to be his 'fixer' in life.  Yes, I do realize that Jake too is making that choice, and I need to stay out of it.  But Jake is my son too, and I do not want him not living his life for years while he takes care of his dad, supports his dad and adult younger brother who needs to accept being an adult and become a self-responsible, self-supporting adult.
     And for some stupid reason, I am mad at myself for momentarily feeling guilty that I am not taking care of Sam so Jake doesn't have to.   But to be honest, many years ago, 1994 to be exact, Sam wanted either we divorce or I do everything his way, including let him have what my godfather had left me.  He was not content with me being farm labor, earning the paycheck at the chicken plant that was paying our living bills and helping pay ranch/farm bills but he wanted that inheritance with no agreement to repay it to me, or for me to have any involvement or say on how he spent/used it.
      It's been a very long road for me to become independent and have the backbone to stand up for myself, I do accept and understand that I was raised to be a doormat.  And I am not blaming anyone for that, blame will not fix or change it and my grandparents did the best job they knew how with raising 3 grandkids.  And they both sacrificed a lot for us, far more than they ever let us know.
     And I am glad Jake called and that the phone and I were in the same place for a change.  My smartphone spends most of the time on a shelf and often shut off, that is why it has a power button, so I can turn it off and ignore it. 
     And phone calls from Jake that end up talking about his dad or a couple other people usually end up with me having crazy, not fun nightmares.  Which is why I am here and not asleep in my bed.  I need to sort out my head so that I do sleep peacefully and not with nightmares that have woke me up crying.  I'm not going down that road, not tonight and I am not going to make myself miserable over Sam's health problems.  I am not the cause of them, and I am not obligated to feel guilty or to help take care of that man.
      Here we have our plant still working, management trying to prevent any of us getting or sharing Covid-19, trying to keep us employed and producing quality pork products, and that works well for me, both emotionally and financially. 
      Spring is here, my redbud trees have their very first flower buds, which means my volunteer seedlings have finally gotten old enough to make flower buds this spring.  And my volunteer oak sapling has survived the winter after I moved it this past fall and is slowly getting ready to put out leaves too.  2 of the scooters are out for riding season so I now have room to work on the vintage scooter.
      Debt is going down, the freezer has plenty of meat in it, and I have 2 doll dresses ready to start the hand smocking and these will probably be put up for sale on a doll group or 2.  I have enough fabric face masks to go all week with 3 every day.  They are not the best protection but they are far better than nothing.
     When I calm down and really look at my life and my choices and direction I find the balance and know I am ok and I will manage to make good choices, for my reasons and that work for me.  That I will continue to live my life as I need and want to, including taking care of my health and my actual responsibilities. 
      I know there is a lot that I cannot fix and that it's not my job to fix, and I know that I can't make choices for others.  I can't change what this Corvid-19 does to our nation, to the economy or prevent it from killing a lot of people, but I can try and not catch it and not spread it.  I can keep going to work as long as that is possible and I can keep paying my bills and contributing to the economy.
     So, it's Easter, a time of renewal and of rebirth, and time for me to get to bed, to start another day and get some things done here that need doing before work Monday.

Things I want and don’t really need

   That seems to sum it up, I want to eat my pizza at Pizza Hut, not being it home to eat.  But I don’t need to eat in the restaurant, but now that we cannot, I realize just how much that eating in that place, with that staff and who I was with was the really good part.  Not complaining about the quality of the food, but it’s the other stuff that I am really missing.
     I don’t know if we will ever get that old normal back after this pandemic ends, it will leave it’s mark on all of us, will make changes we don’t even see coming now.  It’s worse than many realize or want to accept and it will continue to get worse for the next week or next month or maybe even the next year.
    And I want the old normal back, and I want an e-reader.  No, I do not need 1, no, there’s no book right now that I am desperate to read and need the e-reader for that.  But I gave my Kindle away several years ago, and it was the right choice and to the right people. I do not want to give up my iBooks to have a kindle reader on my Apple products and I do not plan to use my darn smartphone for an e-reader.  I want a bloody damn new e-reader and I am Not going to use credit to buy it and have it NOW.  
     But that stimulus $$ will soon show up in my bank and I can buy it then and put the rest of the stimulus on high interest credit debt.  And I am going to buy more books in digital format and miss the real, with paper pages edition.  But it’s storage and space and looking at what I want and where I do not want to be once I retire.  And I already have a lot of books that I would end up packing in boxes, heavy boxes to move once again.  More books than the latest move, a lot more heavy books to move.  That’s why I want the e-reader and now.  So that I can work on adjusting my old brain to adapting to digital books, and be a bit more practical about the future and what really needs to matter.
    But right now, I just need to survive this pandemic and stay sane.

Happy Birthday Daughter

     It was 45 years ago today that you were born, and a Monday, and we were home in time for Thanksgiving.   And you were loved and wanted.  I have always loved you and wanted the very best for you.
     Your roads and decisions have not been the same as mine, we view so many things so very differently and have lived our lives so very different.  I hope you are happy, that the coming years bring you peace and happiness and joy.
     I don’t regret having you, or doing the best I could to be a good parent, I don’t mind the times I went without so you could have the very best I could provide and I have gotten through all the pain and hurt you have caused and moved foreword with my life.
     You told me to get out of your life and stay out years ago and I did that, and I continue to do that.  It’s been working well for me, and I haven’t found any reasons to try and build any bridges.  You chose to burn them down and I am and have been, for years, quite willing to leave it that way.
    But 45 years ago, you were the most important person in my life, and today, on your birthday I do wish you happiness.

Chasing dogs and depression

     I do not like chasing dogs, or being drug around by a large dog when trying to walk him and I don't like being woke up several times a night by a whining dog, who does not really need out to pee but does want my company.
     I do understand it's how his head works, it's his genetics and his raising and his breeding that is a huge part of my problems with the dog and with my growing depression here.  I can't change most of the problems, I cannot fix most of the problems and it's getting harder to live with the problems. 
     The shelters are overrun with dogs they cannot find placements for, and underfunded for their current dogs, so don't tell me to find a shelter that will take him.  And calls to local vets either go no response when I left messages or outright refusal to put this dog to sleep, he does not have enough health problems for them to consider it acceptable.  They refuse to accept that his aggressive personality, his weight, and strength create a safety problem for me and for others IF/When he is not confined.  And they refuse to consider that I might actually be trying to make the best choices for both this dog, who has never lived with anyone except me and my sons, and does not adapt or adjust easily and for me, who with some physical disabilities and aging issues, needs less problems and less trip hazards and less stress in her life.
     This is not a situation that a simple pill will fix, the solution is doing something permanent and that is mentally acceptable to me with this dog.  I can't just dump him out somewhere, I can't take a gun and shoot him, and I can't keep dealing with the dog. 
     That son that has to have dogs, that will not help teach a dog good social behaviors, that will not accept house rules for dogs is now far off in another state, which is some help, if only that he no longer comes through and encourages wild and behavior, crazy and unhappy dog problems and leaves behind the mess.  But it also means I cannot dump his problem dog back into his life and his living space.  It's a mess, the dog is a continual shedding, whining, unhappy dog that deeply wants to be velcro attached to a significant human and I just am not willing and cannot be that human.
     My holidays away have not helped, first I was gone in August to Michigan for a fiber festival, several nights away with a friend doing pet care, and then again in September for a scooter rally, both had me 3-4 nights away and the friend coming by to care for the dog.  He hates being alone, he hates not having a significant human close at hand, 24/7. 
     I have a full-time job and have to work to support that dog, myself, my bills and I am going to have a life and do some of the things that I enjoy, including trips that have me not home for several days at a time. And a dog whining off and on all night does not allow me to get my very needed sleep.  He will not change and I am at the end of being able to cope, and I will not lose my stability and let issues with a dog whose problems I did not create cause me to be so damn miserable and depressed as I have been this past week.
     It's time to buck up and face the fact that I cannot and will not continue to live with this dog.

20 years ago and more

    We buried my mother just a few short days before what would have been, should have been, her 63rd birthday.  Now, 20+ years later, it’s my 63rd birthday and I think back to my mother, who gave birth to me but didn’t do much of the raising of me.  That was done by her mother and her father, for a lot of reasons, some of them very good.
     But today I think of who she was, of what we never had, of those conversations we never had, of all we, for our own reasons, never managed to build a bridge across.  And I think of the person I have become in these past 20 years and all the times I wished I could share something with her, my dreams for this old house, my fears after the accident, my joy in the rides I take on my bikes. The pride I take in having and keeping a job and of building a good credit rating.
     I try to take better care of my health and my finances than what I saw in my mother and her choices, and I look at her life, as I saw it, what I saw it and try to make wiser choices.  But I wish we had been closer, that I had been able or willing to ask her some of the questions that I will never have any answers to.
     Today I am doing some things that need done, like laundry and some things that give me pride, like being able to sit on the landing at the top of the stairs to my attic studio/retreat with coffee, knitting, a book, and my iPad, all of which I have because of my own hard work, my pushing hard to return to work after a really bad vehicle accident.
    And as it’s Saturday, the bills that needed paid are paid and I have a grocery list, I will be taking that vintage scooter to do the shopping, and my purchases will be coming home in a market bag that I knit myself with my own pattern and designing.  A few other things on that list of what gets done this weekend, but done at my pace and as it suits me.
     And today I miss being able to call my mom, to probably prank her on the phone, cuz I usually did, on or near my birthday and hers.  And I wish I knew if she was ever proud of the person I was or would be proud of who I am now.

dreams or nightmares, sometimes they blend together

      And dealing with some of my family and their problems/issues drags me into restless activity, nightmares instead of quality sleep and being careless with my credit.  And a lot of talking to myself, the dog, parrots, the dolls, the knitting, the walls. . .   that sort of head balancing stuff.
      The fact is my grandparents did the best they could to raise 3 grandkids and did better than our mother would have done and far better than our father was capable of doing.    Yes, they made some really stupid things, but not out of malice or wanting me or any of us to have problems with life.
     But it's my life, once I left home, it became my responsibility to live, to make choices, to work out the problems with my decisions and some times to figure out why I made some of the decisions I was making that were not good, healthy or smart choices so that I could do a better job with those choices and with the direction they took my walk in life.
     I tried to do the best I could with raising my kids, it's not an easy job some times but I wanted to give them better guidance than I got, better able to know the doors were there and they could work towards and for anything they wanted their lives to be.  As they grew and as I saw choices they made were not good for a long term direction or life, I tried to tell or help them see why that was not a good choice.
     I want all my children and their children to have lives they like, to make decisions they are ok with living with, and to accept the results of those choices or do the work to change things if it does not work. 
     Right now my oldest granddaughter seems to have a huge mess in her life, and she's actually the one who has the most responsibility for that mess, her actions or lack of has caused the heartache and misery that she is now dealing with.  I want to jump in and do what I can to 'fix' things for her, to help her out but I know that I would be just as well off to take money out of the bank and set it on fire.
     And I know that some of my adding to credit debt with things I don't need is my subconscious way of having my finances so I can't afford to help her out in much of any way financially.  It did take me some time to sort that out, but it's my way of avoiding rather than facing things. 
     My daughter told me more than once that I was not willing to just tell her 'no' but I avoided or put off or went around and she was right.  Telling her 'no' usually ended up with her throwing raving temper tantrums, hounding and harassing me and saying and doing all she could to make me miserable.  And this sort of reaction to being told no was why I found ways to not have to say that word to her.  She would cry and scream and yell until she was sick and throwing up, and it worked well, I gave in and gave in and I walked around her jealousy and bad temper and gave in to her over and over.  No, we did not have a healthy relationship and we have both paid a high price for that.
     Now, I'm working on a healthy life and being mentally healthy too and that does mean keeping my finances in manageable condition, my bills paid on time, food in my house and gas in my vehicles and all that stuff.
     I have worked hard for this life here and to like who I am, to have some financial stability and good credit and I am not going to be drilling holes in my own boat, not for anyone and not to hide from anyone.  I will put up that wall, move my heart into that 'magic bubble' I mentally created when I was a child and needed a safe place.
     And I will accept that it's not my job to fix this mess.
   
   

That raffle scooter

    Last year’s Missouri Loves Company raffle scooter is now my Alta Dulce (sugar high) and I’m getting more confident with riding this shifty, vintage treasure.  And I’m investing some of that $ I earn at that pork plant on ‘stuff’ for this scooter, the correct tail light, the needed center stand, the missing back bumper, the correct rear view mirrors.
    A very unexpected treasure that I appreciate and am working to learn wha needs done to take good care of and to ride and enjoy this vintage Vespa scooter that I now own.  And yes, I am still grinning big.
     My life has had a lot of ups and downs, and I’ve worked hard to dig myself out of not only the results of my stupid/poor/impulsive choices and decisions but those others caused or brought into my life. Right now I can say my life is working well, and I work hard at making that life good and at appreciating my life, every day and knowing the rough or hard spots are something I can overcome.
     I waste money on stuff I don’t need but it’s also my money and bills get paid on time, I keep doing the stuff that needs done, my credit is ok, well, actually it’s better than ok.  And most of the time I’m content and occasionally even bouncing happy.
     Right now I get a bit pouty about being outbid on a doll I don’t need that’s up for sale on EBay, and if I don’t get the doll, my life will be ok, and if I do, that $ I could have used more wisely but again, it’s my earnings and my children are all grown adults and none of them are dependent on me for the roof over their heads, the clothing they wear or the food they eat.
     There are some empty spots in my life, and I am very single and live a solitary life in many ways, but it’s working for me.  It’s not how I thought I would be living many years ago when I thought about my ‘old age’ but it’s now just what works for me and I will not be changing that.
     It is really ok to be single, to not date, to spend my $ as I want/need and to be content and at peace with the person I have grown into.  And it’s ok if I pout about loosing out on an auction or get excited over winning a vintage Vespa scooter.

Time and changes

     Well, I managed to completely delete everything I had thought I saved before chasing down more coffee last night.  I guess that was because I needed to put more though and reflection on what I had written.
     I am very glad to be going to Michigan Fiber Festival, I went 12 years ago, took my oldest grandchild, unplanned but family problems and some separation and possible cooling down time was a good idea.  I don't know that it helped, but I know I made the right choices then, and I keep working on making them now.
     This trip I am going alone, unless you count a small doll as company, I plan to have some fun with photo shoots with the doll.  I also have a very small tent, will camp a bit 'rough' and have 4 nights, 3 classes and am so very excited about going.  But it's over 375 miles each way, a long and not fun drive, and no, there is no way I can take the weaving equipment, which I need for 1 of the classes I am taking and take the GTS.  I put a lot of thought into how I could manage that and no, there just is no way...scoots store and the drive is manageable, but will be Boring.
     I am not involved with my first born child and have very limited contact with her children, a choice of distance and knowing that at 1 time it was better for them, less conflict and less problems of head messing by their mother, now it's they are grown or almost grown and leading their own lives.  And the younger 3, whose dad and his family have done a great job of of parenting and supporting and of being good role models, are doing well, 2 off in college, the youngest will be heading that way soon.  Young adults who are making a lot of very good choices with their lives and who they associate with, where they go and what they do.
     I can't say the same for that oldest grand child, but I will say that it is her life and her choices, she is the one who is living them and either can find ways to make them work or understand that 'help' always comes with strings, some of those strings are acceptable and workable, some are not and it's up to an individual to make that decision.
      I have not been a good example always, I was not raised with some good examples on some issues/things/behaviors and I was raised to think I was not capable of getting and keeping a job, of managing money, of making good, intelligent choices.  It's nice that I did prove my grandmother wrong on my mental abilities, it came a little late, and I am glad my mother realized and understood that she did her share to contribute to my failing to believe in myself, and in my own rights to live my life by my own choices.
      I know I was too young and not ready when I had my first child, and it was a 'choice' I was pressured into making, oh, not an accidental conception, that was deliberate, it's that I was not wanting to start a family so young, I knew I was not ready for that, I was married but I wanted college and even had been saving up for that. 
      But I gave in to pressure, and I felt I didn't have a right to stand up for what I wanted, I thought that was selfish and bad, so I gave in.  and I continued to give in on so many things for so many years, just be a door mat, just try to conform, just do what he wanted.
     Now, I am living my life, my choices, it's my job and my paycheck and my house and I am very independent and very single and most of the time at peace with who I am and what I am doing.  I know now that not only can I NOT fix other people's lives, choices, problems but I am also Not Responsible for their decisions and I don't have to try and fix it, I do not have to sacrifice for them and I don't have to feel guilty for my choice and living my life for me.
     I do care about all those children, 4 of them, that I gave birth to, and did my best to parent, and I do accept they do not all see or understand that.  I hope they have lives that work for them and are doing well, but I also know they are all adults, wow, the oldest turns 44 this Thanksgiving season and the youngest is already 29.  And I just double checked the math on that, time has gotten away from me.
     Go fly, spread your wings, become what you need to become, ask if you need my help but do not slam me because I am also human and was not a perfect parent.  You can walk away, you can disown me, you can tell the world I was a failure or accuse me of abuse or of allowing it to happen.  It is your life and your choices and you live it, if those feelings, attitudes, lies make your life better, fine.  If they are why you use as excuses for why you are who you are or why you have screwed up your own life, well, that's actually not going to cause any damage in my life and I no longer let your words and actions cause me damage.  I've grown too and I've learned what strings to let go, which ones to cut.
      My life works and is a good life because I work to make it that. and it is very much My life.

Hurting heart and tiny empty spaces

     Today I lost 1 of my sun conures, Sunny, to old age.  The 3 all came to me as babies, Blue and Sunny were still needing hand fed, Feliz was the 1 I had to wait for an egg to hatch and the baby to make it past the 1st week.  So, they grew up in my home and have always been 'my kids'.  But they are old kids, all are over 18 years old now, that's very old for a Sun Conure, and pretty aged for a Quaker Parrot.
     I found him crumpled up on the cage floor, early this morning, I did wrap him in a clean cloth napkin and got a tiny bit of water in him, and knew he was not hurt or sick, but just dying, old age and no young berries for parrots or people.  He was comfortable, knew he was loved and died quietly, peacefully and now I grieve and wish I had got him more cinnamon graham crackers, and more Sunny Delight, his favorite food and drink. 
     For more than 18 years these 3 parrots have shared my life and home, they have been my companions through relationships failing, through jobs ending, moved with me 4 times and have coped with this old house and on-going renovations for 13+ years now.  Most of their lives has been lived in this renovation nightmare, and they have been the why some days work did get done and why I worked hard to get back to work after that damn accident.  Quality parrot food is not cheap, these are not cheap kids, their toys are not cheap and they have a rather pricey cage to live and play in.
     For me, they have been the only constant living beings in my life, I have never lived with any human as long as I have these parrots, not with my birth parents, not with my grandparents, none of my kids and I lived together, continuously, for so long.  And I sure have not been able to make any relationship last with any man anywhere close to as long as the Feathered kids and I have been a family.  So, ya, it really hurts to loose this small, loud, food throwing child, who grew old while I kept them the kids in my mind.
     I know he had a good parrot life with me, know he was a content parrot and will be missed by his cage mates and by me.  And I am working on accepting that Feliz is almost the same age, there might be 2 months difference in their ages but not much more than that.   I expect to outlive my parrots, which is far easier on them than if they outlived me but I'm sad an hurting.
       Right now I want to believe, like a small child, that they have souls and Sunny is now flitting around all the awesome beauty of a very natural heaven, not buildings and streets of gold, but trees and fruits and a safe world where he can fly free, where there are people he can go bug and steal sips of Sunny Delight from, and get to rob popcorn and shredded wheat from.  I don't want a heaven that doesn't have loud and happy parrots flitting about.  And I don't want to think about living in a house that has no parrots or only 1 sad and lonely old parrot. 
     But Blue and Feliz will probably be my last parrots, and Shadow might be my last dog, it's very hard on pets when the owner dies and no one is there to want them and take them.  And that is the reality of my life and my world.  They have me and I have them and I know that's just where it is.  Ben's still living here in Beardstown but has his own life and I rarely see him.  He's not going to take my dog or parrots, and I will be lucky if he pet sits for my vacation. 
     My rather solitary and single life really does work for me, and I like it, but today, loosing Sunny, I know the drawbacks, there is no one to comfort me, and there are a very few people I would even accept any comfort from, 1 is in Mexico, and Ben is busy doing that living his life stuff... ya, very short list. 
     So, I did the laundry and it's dry, folded and in the house, and I buried my much loved Sunny, under the south kitchen window, and I cleaned the bird cage tray, which needed done today and I cleaned the floor below the cage, another chore that was on today's list.  And I've hid in the studio, and worked on tweaking a doll pattern for a doll.  And I've cried, time and time again, and I will do more of that crying, but I know Sunny didn't suffer, his death was a natural process of life, and hes buried without a box or wrap, so that his body returns to the earth, not from where he was born but this sandy little town where we have spent most of his life. 
     And I will heal, and miss him and know that Feliz will probably be leaving me before I retire from the plant, Quakers are longer lived, but Blue has never been the only parrot, I don't know how he will adjust if/when that happens.  Another hill in life I will have to climb when I get there.
     I don't live the life that many I work with do, and I'm ok with that, I live the life that works for me, and I know right now I am shutting people out, both in the real world and in cyber land, but I grieve alone, I tuck into my space/home/thoughts and mourn alone, and that's been how I've done it all my life, from small losses as a child to the big ones, I pull into myself and grieve and mourn alone.  There is no sharing my pain, it's not an apple or an orange you can take and cut into pieces, it's a hurt inside that I just have to deal with, and think on and sort out and find a balance and acceptance of what I cannot change.
     There are so many people whose lives are not as comfortable as mine is, as financially stable as mine is, or as mine can be, it is still an old house needing work but it's a warm house in the winter, and cool enough to be comfortable, for us, anyways, in the summer and there is always food, in fact these parrots have always had expensive parrot pellets that are healthy and abundant, Mom makes sure of that and good water and even a water dish big enough to bath in.   We have a stable, safe and secure little world here in this old river town and this old house.  I've worked to provide that, for myself, my pets, my sons, and am glad I have been able to. 
     This afternoon is a bit easier than this morning was, and I know tomorrow will be a little easier but I do understand why people with emotional problems and mental issues often cut themselves, there's that part of me that thinks if I can give myself physical pain, it might lessen the emotional pain that Sunny's dying has given me.  I know it will not, and I am not going to deliberately hurt myself, if I even stub a toe, it will be an accident.  But, today, I really do 'get it' as to why people start doing that.
     I will stick with playing with my dolls and my knitting, it works for me and I know that no physical pain will ease the grief that Sunny dying has caused, not his fault, just part of caring for anything, especially anything living.
   

Dealing with life and other humans

     Most of the time I think my life is ok, that I have managed to achieve a good balance and most importantly, peace of mind and like who I am and how I live my life.  I made a job change in plant and that has been positive.  Less stress, less physically taxing and I work with 3 really great women.
     I am finally living alone, except for parrots and Shadow, which works well.  I still have a lot of work here on this old house that needs done and a lot of putting my stuff in order, getting rid of a few things and making my spaces work for me, and making my sewing studio more orderly and usable.
     Finances get really tight but I know that is my problem and I can resolve it and I do, not always as fast as I would like but at least it's my problem and not caused by someone else.  I have had plenty of that in the past and am very glad to not have some man sucking me dry, either financially or emotionally.
     I still procrastinate too many things and I am working on some of that, and on getting more tidy, in my bedroom and the kitchen mainly, at least for now.  And I still do not like conflict or dealing with people issues. 
      Single and no romantic, emotional involvements with any man works for me, and despite the pushing I feel from a guy I once was intimate with, I am NOT going down that road.  How he feels, or says he feels is not my problem and is not going to manipulate my personal time and what I do with my life, or how I feel about anyone.
     There is nothing wrong with me staying single, with me not having a love interest and with me wanting my time off work for my living, and for what I want to do and what I need to do.  I am not willing to make any efforts to have much of a relationship with a man, they just are not that necessary in my life.  And I sure do not want 1 in my bed or mauling my body.  I just do not need or want that and I do not have to subject myself to it.
     I did sell the much loved Rebel but also bought a used Vespa GTS that will work far better for me in the long run, and that is part of the financial bind I have put myself in, cost of plates, title and additional insurance costs. The LXV got a new tire, another financial ouch, and the rides both had oil changes and the GTS also got brake fluid changed, hub oil changed and since it has liquid cooled, that fluid also was changed.  Add in the parts costs for a USB outlet in the glove box so I can charge my cell phone, ya, I managed to really make my savings dwindle and my grocery budget non-existent, at least for right now.
     But I have vacation coming soon and am going to Michigan Fiber Festival and going Alone!  No, I am not taking that guy pal, although he wants to go and we have discussed it, but that was before his pace maker was replaced, with some surgical issues, like very low blood pressure, so low they could not safely put him under to do the surgery and that the weather and heat/humidity can be very high up in Allegan Michigan during August, there is very limited shelter for people with health issues up at those county fair grounds and I have NO desire to spend any of my very long planned for vacation and classes at the Fiber Festival complicated by someone else's health issue and I do not want to worry about them or have to deal with anyone for the amount of time I will be gone. 
     Jake has moved back to Colorado, first he helped his dad, Sam, move back there and then moved himself, and I hope life there works for him, and he finds his direction and is happy.  I know I don't have the answers for him and I love my youngest son, but he adds stress and complications to my world and helps Shadow be a problem dog.  Not what that dog needs, not what I need and Jake does not want a long term life here in central Illinois. 
     I did Ancestry DNA test and have been chasing down those 'dead bodies' to fill in that family tree stuff, and have found a lot of good and solid people on my father's side.  Growing up and hearing nothing but negative things about that man and his family, it has been good for my 'head' to find some really good people were his ancestors,  people every bit as worthwhile as Grandma's Littlefield line. 
And I am finding my Grandpa Noel's family, and so many, many ancestors.  I have Dutch Reformation, Quakers, Mennonites, Baptists, Methodists, Catholics and that list of church and religious affiliations will probably grow.  I have now 4 different people at least, that served in the Revolutionary War, and some immigrants.  Of course, all my ancestors came from some immigrants, I don't think there is any Native Americans in my tree, but it seems a lot of my DNA got here before this nation was founded and that has surprised me.  I knew Littlefields came here in 1638, but I had expected to find that more ancestors came here after that little war of Independence. 
     And it's time to shut things down, get some stuff ready for the morning and back to work, I am not going to let that silly old man's anything make waves in my pond, he is not my entertainment job, and he's not going to become my child to take care of, or gain any of what he wants out of me.  I just do not like his campground where he now has his camper, I don't want to watch tv at his house, hell, I don't want to watch tv, I am not wanting to have him keep me company on my vacation time and I don't want to chat on line with him any amount...got stuff I would rather be doing.

Life here in an old house

     At times it seems I will never get much done, and there are times I don't see much progress but this evening I am in my downstairs bedroom, in my office corner with my knitting, Netflix and a quiet house.   The bills that need paid are paid and work went well today.
     I bid to an easier (but dirtier, wetter) job in plant and am now qualified on that job and find it is getting easier on this old body every week and far less stress.  I come home with some energy to do something and not mad at the world.\
     And the world or at least my part of it seems lacking a few handy gadgets, looked all over for a coffee cup warmer and discovered I buy those sort of things on line now days....ok, so the 1 up in the sewing studio is old-yes, it did move from Missouri with me, yes, I have worked in this plant over 15 years now, but it still works.  I just want another 1 for my new office space, and it will be coming from Amazon. 
     And I have a book coming from there too, non-fiction and pre-order, it's to arrive here tomorrow and I do hope it's on time, figure I will be working on Jake's socks and reading it.
     I do have my classes I wanted at Michigan Fiber Festival, so that's taken care of, and I have August and vacation to look forward to.
     And I am getting a new laptop, that is ordered and the order processed today, I don't have a shipping notice yet or tracking but expect to see that soon and then will hopefully have Ben be handy to receive it and put it on my bed.   No, I have not told him, it's not his money/credit and not his business what I am getting.  He does live here and I do expect him to make sure any packages that arrive are taken care of for me, I do any that come for him or Jake.
     The downstairs bedroom is almost done, a few things left to do, including mix up a small amount of plaster to fill a few holes that I made trying to put some screws in for the new power bar to fasten on.  My office got a nice surge protected strip with 2 USB outlets also.  The printer and laptop are what plugs in so far, the desk light is in the regular outlet, the new cup warmer will go on the surge protector, so when I turn it off, that cup warmer is also off.
     We have Thumper again, and we are dealing with scabies again.  This will be the last time I keep Thumper, I can't keep having open sores on my hands from these very tiny mites, I am very reactive to them, and it's a serious problem that has to end.  Jake will not be happy but he's not in charge of my hands and my bills that won't be paid if I can't work because of my hands and scabies bites.
     Time for something to eat, get a shower and to bed.  Like looking forward to work once again, that is a plus.

Taking back my spaces in this house

     It's been a long haul with this old house, and at times, it has been made longer and harder by my adult sons, moving home, coming to stay a few weeks that ended up being years and 1 is still living or 'camping' here.
     But I have regained my downstairs bedroom, the needed repairs and repainting is not finished but I'm now sleeping in my room and am making progress with the remaining repair work and painting.  This evening I did some clean up work, have the top of my chest of drawers cleaned off and even moved some of my dolls back in. 
     It has been over 6.5 years since this was my room but I once again have use of my computer desk and my laptop is now residing there.  Granted, I still need to do the repairs in the corner where the old brick chimney was removed, and finish up the painting in this corner, then do some tweaking with the bookcase so it will integrate with the corner computer desk, and I also am putting in another electrical outlet in this corner, and will need a light, borrowing Ben's clip on 1 for now.
     The attic expansion project is still on going, but most of it is done, I now have a sewing studio and the dolls and I have a retreat--which is where that son is now camping...  and I want him camping, not settling in and putting down roots.  He's been back living at Mom's for close to 4 years this time, and is working now, has been since early June 2017, is paying on back bills and helping some here, the city utility bill is now his responsibility, he owns my old truck now, and has his own insurance.  I am finally the only person on my auto/bike insurance and the only 1 driving my car or running my bikes, which work nicely for me.
     Work is still hard, arthritis is slowly increasing as is my pain levels some days but I have won a bid to a job which should be a bit easier on my aging body.  But I keep working, keep earning a living and have the money I need to pay my bills and some days, even a bit extra.
     And this evening I have worked on removing some of the adhesive residue on my chest of drawers, from the move from Missouri, so it's cleaning I should have done years and years ago. 
     Last time around the computer corner was the southwest corner of the room, the west wall is an outside wall, and I decided that this time I will put myself away from that winter cold and be more comfortable. And I will get a small area rug for the computer area, so my feet don't get as cold in the winter and so the new computer chair, which I have not yet bought, will not damage the hardwood floor's varnish.
     The room now has actual doors, sliding doors with barn door style hardware, and gates to keep dogs out, as does the stairs.  Most of my shelving is going back up, but some will change locations, and the room is now pale pistachio. the trim is done in hedgerow olive, and the colors work well, I don't like the colors for fabrics, don't like olive much at all, but it works well with the wall color, so, yes, I do like it here, for the trim, for those shelf boards, it really works far better than white woodwork, no problem with all the different woods that are in here, and it's the green that worked best with the wall color, which works great to make the room feel clean, fresh, relaxing and peaceful.
     And I am going to Michigan Fiber Festival this August, it's been 12 years now since that first and only trip, and I am so looking forward to the festival, hoping to take a class or 2, will be going with a good friend, he's going for the trip and holiday, I'm going for the fibers and friends and fun.
     And now that the laptop is so much easier to use, I hope to blog more often and to get busy with that genealogy stuff I want to work on.  And once I have this room settled, stuff move down, around and in place, I should have a cleaner, more tidy and easier to work in sewing room, but it won't happen as fast as I want. 
     But spring is about here, it will warm up and bike riding season will be here, so riding will take some of that weekend time the old house has gotten lately. 

Cars, damn machines we seem to need.

       I admit I really, really liked my little Hyundai Accent, bought it new, got a really, really good deal on it and had it almost 10 years before some stupid ass, in a hurry to get to the bar before it closed, tried to pass me going out of the company parking lot.   That little red Mazda truck was the replacement, and it worked for me, in reasonable shape, and suited my needs and I liked it.  But that impatient and careless, thoughtless man in a hurry totally did in that truck, his own life and really, really changed mine.  Almost 8 years ago, yes, i keep track, it’s never very far from me, I live with the changes to my body and the life changes it has caused.
     And for all these years since I have lived with ‘just above junk’ vehicles, that I have kept repaired, taken care of, added to my debt load keeping running and not really liked but took care of.  Ben now has that truck, and he’s the 1 who damaged the front grill, with his own careless not paying attention at a Street intersection.  He’s supposed to be buying the truck from me but I have yet to see a penny on that $500 purchase price.
    I’ve had that 2005 Neon for almost 2 years now and put a lot of money, some of it credit with high interest, into that car, and it is ok, but it’s old and rusting and going to keep costing me and needing new parts and still will be something I can’t be confident to take a long trip in.  And it’s not a car I love, but it has met my needs and so far I’ve been able to afford the cost of repairs.  Yes, some of the first work on it went on credit and yes, the interest is just keeping me in poverty.
     So, I’ve pulled funds from my 401K and will pay down some of that debt, and I have been looking on line at new and near new used cars, not expecting or planning to buy anything until after my taxes were filed and I had my federal refund and had paid in what I expect to end up owing on my state income taxes.  Plenty of time to get my financial house in solid order and be ready for a new or nearly new car and the costs that would involve.
     But I’ve found a little red Fiat, 2016, under 18,000 miles, standard tranny and under $8,000, which I did check, is well below book on that car.  The carfax is good, it is a 2 owner car, with the 2nd and current owner being the dealership where it was traded in, less than 500 miles ago..  It has been kept serviced and it would suit me wants and needs.  This is not when I planned to be buying my new/near new car but I think I’m going to buy this little red buggy.
     I want a car that will meet my needs and wants in a car and last me for years and years.  I am really not hard on cars, those times other people run into or over me are hard on my cars, but I’m not abusive, and I do believe in maintenance and upkeep.  So, barring accidents, this little Fiat should make me a good little, very economic car for when it’s not bike season or I just need/want a car instead of taking 1 of the bikes.
     It might not seem smart or sensible to anyone else, but then, no one else is paying the bills here either, nor will they be.  And if/when I buy this little red buggy, I will put the Neon up for sale, with a reasonable and fair price and be glad to have bought it and have put the $ into having a dependable car that will haul more than 2 people.
     I don’t want something big, I don’t want to get a vehicle to make ‘family trips’ in, and I don’t want something easy for others to borrow, and I like shifting gears so this car with it’s standard tranny is just what suits me.  I think I’m buying a little red Fiat.

Dead and gone--the past is just that..

     There is no go back machines to go back into the past, mine, yours, any ones, and change what we did, how we reacted, which directions and which roads we took.  It's a done deal, and to move on, we learn to live with what cannot be changed, learn any lessons that we can and look to the future and step forward.
     Yesterday, at work, a co-worker reminded me about some of that past and a person who is a part of that past.  Good memories, painful memories, past memories, and a past time in my life, not a part of now, not a part of what I expect or want in my future, I learned about that connecting with someone from the past.  It didn't work out so well and it wouldn't if I was to even try this time.
     This life I have now, it works for me, and I work at making it work for me, not all my choices or decisions are the wisest or best, but I make the decisions and I do the work, and I fix the mistakes or work with the times I created a budget issue, I mend what I can, I fix what I can and I do the needed repairs as I can, to my finances, to my house and to my 4 modes of transportation.
     That guy who talked to me did mention something that made me smile, he said that guy from the past was glad I had a motorcycle again, told him that it gives me some freedom and peace.  Yes, it did back in those days, when that guy was not willing to take a ride with me, not brave enough, and riding now still sets me free, helps me unwind and find some balance and peace.
     As I look back and then turn to today and to the coming days, I will appreciate the good that others have brought into my life, and work on making sure I don't hang on to the bad, the trash and the hurting that they also brought into my life.
     This staying single, not dating works so very well for me, for who I am now, for who I like being.  I know it's not workable for everyone, but then, I'm not everyone and don't want to be.  And as I plan out a ride for Saturday, and the places I want to go, the 'landmarks' I want to find and roads and streets I want to get more familiar with, I am really glad I am riding again, and glad I have found some scooter groups to ride with and very glad I'm making plans for attending a scooter Rally in a couple weeks, the ride Saturday is a part of the prep for that, find the hotel where I have a room booked for 3 nights, find the Rally meet up location, find a few other places so they are easier to get to from the hotel I have booked at.
      To that guy, Mick, I might always miss you, but I can live with that, I wish you well, good health and happiness.  And I move on, and I will be at peace and like my funny life and the little world I have here.

Life and working on keeping it workable

     My iPad refuses to let me use the app for Blogger so I rarely set up and turn on the laptop, ya, I know, past time I quit fighting with Windows 10 and Microsoft.  But those little techie pads are so easy to use, almost anywhere.
     And I am chasing autoimmune issues and how best to keep them from making my living miserable and how to keep them as slowed down as possible.  Changes in what I eat, add 1 prescription med, add several supplements, get a 7-day pill box so I can set them up easy to take and remember to take all of them as needed/recommended.
     Summer is here, we, Ben and I, have a few plant to water but since neither of us are willing to pay huge water bills, we are letting nature take care of most of the landscaping/property and being glad it's small.  It doesn't look good but I am not going to pour gallons of water through this sand and silt and loads of money into trying to have a green lawn, I have neighbors who do that,
     The Vespa is waiting for parts, 1 is in, the fuel gauge stuff, shop is still waiting for the intake manifold, which is cracking.  All under warranty stuff, but that rubber intake manifold should not at less than 2 years from build to now be developing cracks.  I am riding it for work and small errands here in town and will run it down for the work, once the part are in and on a Saturday, there is no way I can afford to take a day off.
     Finances are snug right now and I have a bill for x-rays that is over $688 after my work insurance paid their part, and the local hospital wants it paid in 6 months, which I can't be sure of working into my budget, so I have financial papers to fill out and hope to work out a longer payment agreement.  I do understand the hospital wanting/needing paid asap, but I also have to work with the paycheck I get, the bills and cost of living I have and fit this new bill in.  But I will consider going to Springfield in the future for having any x-ray work done...I will no longer use the hospital or clinics in Rushville or attached to that hospital due to their cost that my insurance does not cover and their inability to do things correctly, like paperwork.
      The work on the old house is not getting done and I need to push myself harder on that, but Ben is finally working again, after close to 3 years of living back with Mom and Mom supporting him.  He now is buying part of the groceries and paying the city utility bill so that is help, but he's working odd hours, and I need to put more effort into turning the compost pile.  Just another thing I need to start dealing with.
     Jake has graduated with his bachelor's degree in history, 4 years of a lot of hard work, a lot of miles to commute, working to earn money, dealing with paperwork and stress and old vehicles that didn't like all the miles, but he kept at it and graduated with no debts and not too bad grade average.  He has joined the Army Reserve and is working on going in full time as officer, it seems to be what works for him and the direction he feels is best for his life, at this time.
     Illinois is about at junk bond rating, we will be seeing a big state income tax increase, we still have a huge, unpaid and no way to pay pension debt that has been building for 20+ years, that was a bad contract decision and now everyone living in this state is on the hook for a debt that should have never happened. It is a big part of why this state is doing so badly, why it is loosing people and businesses every month.  And why I tell people that if they have a way to move elsewhere, out of state, that is worth doing, it won't be fixed fast and at this time it's not even being dealt with.  I don't have a choice, unless I win a lottery, which is not going to happen but I will try and manage as best I can here and am trying to be better about my how I spend money and my priorities.
    And I am not making time for Clayville.org this season, I can't manage to be and do all that I want and so focus on what I need to do and what is on the top of my priority list, and that list changes as I need/want or re-assess my life and directions.   I just can't make evening business meeting on work nights that have me running hard to get there, and hard to get home and not enough rest and still work.  Blame autoimmune issues, blame a long drive there and back and say I was not happy about the politics and some issues that I could see both sides and felt both had some wrong and some right and I would not be drawn into.
     I am working to NOT isolate myself from everyone and so forth but am keeping to myself more, both at work and in my personal life, just not willing to care or be involved or it just doesn't matter.  Not my life, not my choices and not my problems seems to work well, but I still am political and need to write more letters, make a few more calls and so forth.  But I removed myself from some on line groups at Facebook, way too much negative and hate and not much thought and common sense.
    We have a poor choice in the White House, with a damaging administration, we have Republicans that are pushing legislation that is good for the very rich, corporations and destructive for the country as a whole.  Our president has no ability to work with our international relations, except maybe Russia, which is never in our best interest, the anger in the country grows, the problems grow and it will get worse before it gets better.  I could go on but it won't fix anything....be nice to have someone who actually does understand and has some interest and actually chases information and knows just how rocky our environment issues are, how unstable the world's populations are and how easy things could tip into a global war issue...
     But I will work to stay balanced, work to help keep a balance, work to reduce my own carbon footprint and make good choices, both with my actions and my posting and my mouth.  And I will work to keep my own life and finances as stable as I can, and hope for a better world in the coming future.

Working on that old house

     I thought, when I bought this old house, summer of 2004, that a 10 year plan for all the needed repairs and improvements I wanted was workable.  Now, it's January 14, 2017 and I am a very long way from done.  So, it's a long project, and work/investment in this house is not always top of my list.
     Tonight, around 9:40 makes the 7th anniversary of that damnable car accident that changed my life forever.  It's a wet, cold winter weekend, but the plant has no production for most of us this Saturday, a nice change but next Friday the paycheck will be smaller and car insurance needs paid soon, the truck still needs the plates renewed.
     But it looks like I will be priming that southwest end of the attic expansion project, finally.  The north end got finished, except for trim and such, last winter and it's a huge improvement.  So I will be glad to sand the last drywall mud later today, and then I can dust down, clean up some and prime.  Then have paint on the ceiling and walls area before the weekend is over.
     It's not always been an easy life here, and I have chocked up a few more poor choices along that road but most of the choices have been good, and despite all the costs, problems and issues, this old house was a good choice.  I can afford the small mortgage I currently have, pay extra every month on that, and I am able to keep affording the costs of the fixing and improving.  The worst utility/heat bill here has been under $300, and that is despite it needing exterior insulation and new siding, and the attic expansion with so little of it dry-walled for most of the past 4 years.
     Despite the pain and the permanent body damage, I went back to work at that pork plant, and over 6 years later, I am still working, despite carpal tunnel, despite sciatica and the blasted leg and foot damage to the right leg, and all the aging body issues.  I work labor and am proud of that, that I work, that I pay my bills and taxes and that I help support this town, this state and this country.
     I am just sick and mad over who our incoming president is, and think the Republicans in office are going to impoverish most of America while they get richer.  They are not making America Great Again, they have made us the laughing stock of most of the world and are going to be heading us towards becoming a 3rd world nation if they are not stopped.  Not something I thought I would ever live to see or want to see.
     But I am working on making my life work, on doing what I need to do and doing some of the things I really want to do with my life and really loving being single.  That works well for me, and I admit I get mad when some jerk or fool at work tells me I need a 'good man' in my life or that I need some 'loving'.  My private life is My business, and most of the people at that plant need to stay out of it, keep their stupid thoughts and comments to themselves and our union steward learned that this past week.
     My debt load is slowly going down, despite buying the Vespa last summer, my savings and 401K are slowly growing, my old house is improving, my yarn stash has grown and so has my doll collection.  I still get a 'buzz' when I hear hard rains on my metal roof, 3+ years of a leaking roof were long and hard but they did give me a huge appreciation for this metal roof.
     I knew that the steep roof hid a lot of space I could get use of, in time and now I have that studio in the north end I dreamed of.  It still needs some work but I was right to space those windows out to scatter the light and the track lighting for the overhead lighting was the right choice,  All those outlets along the north and south walls of this attic space means I have a lot more flexibility with what I need to plug in and where.  I have added a few, 1 is in that slanted ceiling behind what will some day be a 2nd bathroom, it will allow me to have lighting in my book nook, Some is along the stair well, very handy and convenient for many reasons.  And that framed in, exterior walls up bathroom space has gained a few, handy for both the studio and the south retreat.
     There is so much I can't change or 'fix' and I am better at accepting that and 'moving on' emotionally with what I can't change, But I miss Miguel still, and know that's something I cannot change.  He is why I am here in Illinois, and he helped with the down payment on this house and the early work, he's part of why the kitchen floor is ceramic tile and why I have 'cousins' in the plant.
     I know at least 1 of them lets him know how I am doing, but he and I are not in contact.  His life in Mexico needs no strings here, he needs a chance to make his life there full and wonderful.  Mine here is good, and I like it and I am content.  I don't have a life partner or companion but I am ok with that, Instead I have peace and get to chase a few dreams, do some things I never thought would be a part of my life, like the Vespa and Rebel and bike runs and a scooter rally or 2 I hope and plan to attend.  It's a case of making really good choices with the lemons in life.  They come, and you have a choice to make great lemonade, lemon scrub, lemon pie, find more uses for lemons or become a lemon.  
     Life here is good because I refuse to let it be bad, Miguel's lies and his return to Mexico did not ruin my life, a rough spot but I got through it and am stronger because of it.  That car accident did not make my life bad, but it did make me harder, tougher and meaner, but I can live with that and make it work for me.
      So, today, this weekend, I will see the paint on the walls and ceiling of part of that southern retreat I first talked with Miguel about.  He would love it, once it's done, he would love the big screen tv the space already has, he'd want that bathroom done as fast as possible and a mini fridge for handy beer, and it would be his hideout.
     Instead, it will be my retreat, and movies I like, not sports and Spanish/Mexican programs.  There won't be a mini fridge but bookshelves, a day bed and display shelves for my things.  It will be a woman's area, with lighting for my sewing and knitting and usually a very quiet space.  It would have made him a great tv hideout area.  But that is past dreams and I live in a very real world, and it's my retreat, and will meet my needs and wants.  I had it for a few years but now it's time to have those walls become finished walls, for that ceiling to have seams finished and paint, the walls done, and plan to trim the window and some other woodwork.
     And I am ok with the way my old house plans have changed and adapted to how my life has changed, we are making progress, me and this old house.  People might not see the progress but I know it's there, the outside will get some work come spring, but I don't live outside, so that ugly siding is not top of the list.  The dormer will get metal siding and sofits, and the front porch roof get supported, the old foundation pulled out, some sill plate work done and a new porch foundation built, probably wood with concrete footings, and hopefully the metal roofing comes out of under the house and that porch roof finally gets metal, the left overs from the roof and any that needs bought to finish the job.
    Slow progress but paid for progress.  When it warms up I plan to get that contractor foam in a box and go around the interior of the foundation and foam that gap between the foundation and that insulation sheeting.  I know it will be a pain to do it but I also know it will make a big difference in how warm the area under the house is and how much warmer the house stays.  It will be worth the cost and effort but it won't show except on the utility bills and the floors staying a bit more comfortable in the winter.  A little thing, but it works for me.
     And that's what my life has become, what works for me, what I can live with, what I can or will do.  It might seem self-centered to the outside world but since they are not living it, are not paying the costs for it, I don't much care about their opinions any more.