Good friends and a solid base to stand on

 Spent time today with my good friend Kim, worked on sealing up the entrance point for cats getting under her home and damaging the duct work to her central air conditioner. And I didn’t do much else here. But the laundry is washed and I will hang the load out to dry in the morning.

Work has me winning points with my supervisors but it’s sure not helping my hands. I do know I can go to  a personal injury law group and have them help me fight but right now I think i am able to put that off for right now.

Time seems to escape me

      Or I am not willing to put into writing my life and my thoughts anymore.   I’ve found myself isolating myself, the small details of my life and my thoughts.  I’m not sure just why but my personal privacy has become so very important to me, including my thoughts, my hopes, my fears and just where all my mind goes wandering.

      But my life is actually going ok, yes, there are a few issues that I will be dealing with as time goes, and the old house sure needs work and I need to put more effort into having a cleaner and more tidy home,  I am still not dealing with all the stuff I moved out of the antique oak china hutch and antique chest of drawers that moved to Versailles and son Ben’s new home.  He would have eventually inherited them and he and Lora can use them now and really did have more need of them than I did.  But I still need to sort out and put away things and have put off doing that, for the most part.  My upstairs needs serious cleaning and put into order, the single bed went to Ben’s also so that’s created a mess on the retreat side of my Attic space.  The studio is a mess, between me and the cats, yes, we have a mess that needs tidying and I have 2 quilt tops planned and the fabrics for them so need to make time for those also and hopefully manage to create some order out of the chaos while I am making at least 1 of them.

     Work is now 2nd shift and I do like the balance my life has now but the job I bid to is now causing major hand problems, neuropathy in both hands and gee, like hundreds of others before me, I am finding some problems with our nursing department and even more issues with the ‘company doctor’, first appointment was in plant, and a nurse practitioner who either thought I am very stupid or is very unqualified herself.  I plan to ask Danny, our 2nd shift Safety head to attend the next appointment and I don’t plan to be sweet, nice and tolerant.  But I will choose my words carefully and that’s definitely something I am often very good at.  But in the meantime, my hands are having enough problems that I am not able to make long, enjoyable runs on my scooters or knit very much or do many of the very familiar hand tasks that sewing actually takes.  And the fact that my hand problems, caused by my job duties is maddening.  I have asked, repeatedly that open jobs be posted for bid, as required by our contracts so I could bid off the stomach flush job to other open/available (by our contract) jobs that I could do with less damage to my so very damn important hands.

      On the fun side of life, a guy I have some slight acquaintance with is back at the plant, maintenance job instead of tech service/quality control, and on 2nd shift and instead of keeping him at arm’s length, as i did years ago I am actually flirting some with him.  And we aren’t quite acting like silly teens in school, but ya, sort of like that.   And we text some. . . and when we can actually figure out how to spend some time together, not at work, ya, we are going to figure out if it’s just a spark that doesn’t work or if there’s something that we might like to work on, that also works for our own lives, goals and directions.  

      So, life has a good balance, it’s not perfect but I find great joy in small things, like the 2 tire garden this year, 1 zucchini plant has been removed, some sort of insect damage, but I am eating my own zucchini and the tomatoes are starting to ripen, 2 different types of cherry tomatoes and 2 jalapeños plants.  Not a big garden but maybe next year I will have 3 tires to plant in and play with.  And the Dragon fruit seeds did sprout and some lived and are now really growing well as the plants moved outside for the summer.

     That asking son Ben for a kitten last year for Mother’s Day has worked out, but not exactly how I wanted.  I didn’t close in around my shop building, all the people harboring/feeding feral and strays/dumped cats are gone, I missed that. . .  And ended up with 2 pregnant cats, who still live here, along with 2 kittens, now young adults that I couldn’t find homes for, 1 female, Rachel is probably 6+ years old and was definitely dumped/abandoned and she’s not even interested in escaping, she’s very glad to be my house cat and yes, I did shut down that kitten factory.  The other has to have been badly abused as she’s just terrified of humans, despite living here in the house for almost a year, she’s still afraid of me.  But she’s very house trained and other than not tame enough to catch, crate and pack to the vet to be fixed,  she’s no problem for me.  I would like to see her fixed as I am sure she’d be much less stressed without the continual heat cycles.  

     Working nights/2nd shift again is so much better for my mental health, for my creativity and for my getting things done here.  I still procrastinate way too much but am working on dealing with myself on that.   Finances are getting better, debt load is going down, and I am happier.

Another Thanksgiving coming

      It’s going to be cold here, and work is long hours and cold. I’m on the head table or pate meat more often than the job I own, shortage’s of humans but not as bad as last winter was.  My aging body is not impressed with our almost 10 hour days, we are at least 20-30 minutes over that 9.5 hour days we were supposed to be working with the new schedule.  I can’t change it so I am making practical use of the extra $ and more is going to savings and more is going to pay down debt load.

     It’s been over 17 years now since Miguel returned to Mexico and his family and life there.  My emotional heart still is still missing him but my brains know we made the correct choice, and I have worked to make my life here work, to continue working at this plant, to continue repairs and improvements on this old house.  

     He has many family members who are working in our plant, and we talk now, that’s a change from when he left and the lies and deceptions rocked my world.  But all these years I have imagined his life back home, the farm he loved and missed all the time living here in the USA, and his children, his parents and the family members still living in the area. 

   My dreams and imagination apparently is not his actual reality if 1 of his cousin’s comments yesterday are accurate, he mentioned drinking problems and a lot of what I am thinking could be arthritis, very painful legs limiting his mobility and depression.  He asked me about going down to visit and I explained just how wrong that would be for me.  We have had no contact for 16+ years and I have no right to invade his life and his corner of the planet. And I think the cousin understands that without Miguel contacting me, I would be very much in the wrong to just show up there, or even to write him.  

     We lived here together, this address hasn’t changed, I told cousin Joel he could tell Miguel that I would be glad to get a postcard from him and would write him a letter if I received a postcard.  I think he does understand the why it’s not acceptable, it would be wrong, an invasion of his life without Miguel himself inviting me. That even to contact him would be wrong.  Old values, old ethics, old social rights and wrongs.  

    But if invited to write, I would send him letters and even photos of this old house and of what has changed, not only with the house but with this town and the plant.  I miss him, we were lovers, and we were friends, partners and pals. 

     That kitchen range we spent several months looking and comparing to make the best ‘for life’ decisions on that appliance is now sitting outside and will move to my son’s place when he can get that done. My new electric range is in place, part of the needed wiring upgrade is done and I now have the parts to finish the job, the cold outside part will not be fun but it’s not a huge job.

     He would like the solar panels and the expansion up under that steep roof and the metal roof. And that very solid new foundation for the east 1/2 of the house would please him, but I don’t think he would feel comfortable working down in the utility space, but he wouldn’t be so worried about the house falling in on him.  And I bet that tankless water heater and hot showers for as long as he wanted would have him grinning big.

    It’s finally time to start the exterior work, he’s like that and I hope for an enclosed sun space on the front/west, he would probably try to claim part or all of that on sunny winter days, but then, me and the cats now living here will love whatever I am able to have built.

     My/our $14,000 filthy renovation nightmare is on its 3rd mortgage and that’s getting paid off today, once the bank is open.  There’s still so much more to be done, from small nickel and dime stuff to some big, needs financing stuff.  But a few months this winter with no mortgage to pay and the long hours at the plant will help me pay down some of that debt load faster. As will the tax refund, and yes, I do start thinking about that this time every year and yes, by Christmas or New Year, at the latest, I have some rough figuring done and yes, I still deliberately overpay my federal and state income taxes.

     And, yes, despite the issues and problems and ‘everything’ my life works well, I am content and glad I have this life, glad I have some great memories of about 5 years with that man who now lives down in rural Mexico.  And he/his life will always be in my prayers that it’s good and he’s healthy and happy.  Because, for the most part, I have that, so, ya, I want that for those I care about.

Me and homo sapients

      Yes, I know I am a member of the species. But that doesn’t mean I enjoy being around very many of them.  And I am finding that the fewer I have to be around or deal with the more I like my life and the balance I have.

     Today was the first doll club meeting I have attended in a few months, UFDC convention 2022 was part of our discussions today, it’s being held less than 125 miles from me, in St. Louis and yes, I do go play down in the city, like to visit the city, have a favorite Airbnb I now stay at, same room, same streets, same restaurants and shops, so if I go to the convention I will Not stay at the hotel where it’s held but at my room in the Airbnb. I don’t want that almost $200/night hotel room, and I sure don’t want roommates. Especially not 3 other humans. Yes, it’s almost a year away but no, I will not change how I feel about that, the older I get, the less I want to deal with or be around a lot of people.

     Small groups are ok and the crowds at the Farmer’s market are a different thing, they are not a hotel full of mostly women, some who are very wealthy. Almost all who are living vastly different lives than my strange, single meat packing plant labor life.  

     Yes, I am doing the scooter rally this coming weekend but sticking with the 49cc gang for the Saturday ride, yes, I am an experienced rider, and yes, I will be on my own scooter with correct tire pressure for my weight, and yes, I have lost some confidence but mostly I want easy and relaxed and slower pace.

     Work beats me up, and I know I am doing a lot before the rally here, hot sun landscaping work for more scooter parking space, the plants that needed moved are moved, now to move sand/soil, level and set the pavers in place and rebuild the retaining wall, it will slope this time and I will scatter grass seed and rake it’ll and water now and then.  Hopefully I will have less mowing issues between shop and house, between upper patio and where the car parks.  

     And yes, I am buying another Vespa, yes, new and NO, I am not trading in any of the other rides. And yes, I will be financing that and will work on buying covers for scooters this fall, with all the overtime I may as well indulge in scooter goodies…

       This is not the life I expected when I was much younger, or when I bought this house, moved to this town and to work at that pork plant. But it is the life I have built for myself and built by myself. And I am very ok with this life and with what I am doing with this life.

Easter Weekend in the Corvid-19 plague era

     Yes, I know it's not being called a plague, it is a virus, and antibiotics will not work to treat it, too bad our current president is too stupid to understand that.
     It's after midnight so well past my bedtime but I let a phone call with my youngest son upset me, not so much my son but his father and health problems, which seem to be due to lack of taking care of his health.  And I am not to blame for that, no, Jake is not blaming me or commenting on his dad neglecting his health but it's adding burdens to Jake's young shoulders and that's what is bothering me.
     I think Sam has no problems with putting weight on Jake's shoulders, in expecting his son to be his 'fixer' in life.  Yes, I do realize that Jake too is making that choice, and I need to stay out of it.  But Jake is my son too, and I do not want him not living his life for years while he takes care of his dad, supports his dad and adult younger brother who needs to accept being an adult and become a self-responsible, self-supporting adult.
     And for some stupid reason, I am mad at myself for momentarily feeling guilty that I am not taking care of Sam so Jake doesn't have to.   But to be honest, many years ago, 1994 to be exact, Sam wanted either we divorce or I do everything his way, including let him have what my godfather had left me.  He was not content with me being farm labor, earning the paycheck at the chicken plant that was paying our living bills and helping pay ranch/farm bills but he wanted that inheritance with no agreement to repay it to me, or for me to have any involvement or say on how he spent/used it.
      It's been a very long road for me to become independent and have the backbone to stand up for myself, I do accept and understand that I was raised to be a doormat.  And I am not blaming anyone for that, blame will not fix or change it and my grandparents did the best job they knew how with raising 3 grandkids.  And they both sacrificed a lot for us, far more than they ever let us know.
     And I am glad Jake called and that the phone and I were in the same place for a change.  My smartphone spends most of the time on a shelf and often shut off, that is why it has a power button, so I can turn it off and ignore it. 
     And phone calls from Jake that end up talking about his dad or a couple other people usually end up with me having crazy, not fun nightmares.  Which is why I am here and not asleep in my bed.  I need to sort out my head so that I do sleep peacefully and not with nightmares that have woke me up crying.  I'm not going down that road, not tonight and I am not going to make myself miserable over Sam's health problems.  I am not the cause of them, and I am not obligated to feel guilty or to help take care of that man.
      Here we have our plant still working, management trying to prevent any of us getting or sharing Covid-19, trying to keep us employed and producing quality pork products, and that works well for me, both emotionally and financially. 
      Spring is here, my redbud trees have their very first flower buds, which means my volunteer seedlings have finally gotten old enough to make flower buds this spring.  And my volunteer oak sapling has survived the winter after I moved it this past fall and is slowly getting ready to put out leaves too.  2 of the scooters are out for riding season so I now have room to work on the vintage scooter.
      Debt is going down, the freezer has plenty of meat in it, and I have 2 doll dresses ready to start the hand smocking and these will probably be put up for sale on a doll group or 2.  I have enough fabric face masks to go all week with 3 every day.  They are not the best protection but they are far better than nothing.
     When I calm down and really look at my life and my choices and direction I find the balance and know I am ok and I will manage to make good choices, for my reasons and that work for me.  That I will continue to live my life as I need and want to, including taking care of my health and my actual responsibilities. 
      I know there is a lot that I cannot fix and that it's not my job to fix, and I know that I can't make choices for others.  I can't change what this Corvid-19 does to our nation, to the economy or prevent it from killing a lot of people, but I can try and not catch it and not spread it.  I can keep going to work as long as that is possible and I can keep paying my bills and contributing to the economy.
     So, it's Easter, a time of renewal and of rebirth, and time for me to get to bed, to start another day and get some things done here that need doing before work Monday.

Things I want and don’t really need

   That seems to sum it up, I want to eat my pizza at Pizza Hut, not being it home to eat.  But I don’t need to eat in the restaurant, but now that we cannot, I realize just how much that eating in that place, with that staff and who I was with was the really good part.  Not complaining about the quality of the food, but it’s the other stuff that I am really missing.
     I don’t know if we will ever get that old normal back after this pandemic ends, it will leave it’s mark on all of us, will make changes we don’t even see coming now.  It’s worse than many realize or want to accept and it will continue to get worse for the next week or next month or maybe even the next year.
    And I want the old normal back, and I want an e-reader.  No, I do not need 1, no, there’s no book right now that I am desperate to read and need the e-reader for that.  But I gave my Kindle away several years ago, and it was the right choice and to the right people. I do not want to give up my iBooks to have a kindle reader on my Apple products and I do not plan to use my darn smartphone for an e-reader.  I want a bloody damn new e-reader and I am Not going to use credit to buy it and have it NOW.  
     But that stimulus $$ will soon show up in my bank and I can buy it then and put the rest of the stimulus on high interest credit debt.  And I am going to buy more books in digital format and miss the real, with paper pages edition.  But it’s storage and space and looking at what I want and where I do not want to be once I retire.  And I already have a lot of books that I would end up packing in boxes, heavy boxes to move once again.  More books than the latest move, a lot more heavy books to move.  That’s why I want the e-reader and now.  So that I can work on adjusting my old brain to adapting to digital books, and be a bit more practical about the future and what really needs to matter.
    But right now, I just need to survive this pandemic and stay sane.

Happy Birthday Daughter

     It was 45 years ago today that you were born, and a Monday, and we were home in time for Thanksgiving.   And you were loved and wanted.  I have always loved you and wanted the very best for you.
     Your roads and decisions have not been the same as mine, we view so many things so very differently and have lived our lives so very different.  I hope you are happy, that the coming years bring you peace and happiness and joy.
     I don’t regret having you, or doing the best I could to be a good parent, I don’t mind the times I went without so you could have the very best I could provide and I have gotten through all the pain and hurt you have caused and moved foreword with my life.
     You told me to get out of your life and stay out years ago and I did that, and I continue to do that.  It’s been working well for me, and I haven’t found any reasons to try and build any bridges.  You chose to burn them down and I am and have been, for years, quite willing to leave it that way.
    But 45 years ago, you were the most important person in my life, and today, on your birthday I do wish you happiness.